Is my boyfriend being unfair or is it me?

LegacyUser

I am so upset and I really need some impartial advice. My boyfriend and I are together 8 months and we are set to move in to a new apartment together next month. I love him dearly and he says he loves me but I am regularly feeling rejected and unloved by him and I'm struggling to accept if these feelings are justified or if I am being unreasonable.
One of the issues is he often rejects my offers to meet up and do things. He's either too tired, meeting a friend, playing soccer, going to the pub etc. He did this twice this week. I haven't seen him since last Sunday when he arrived to my house at 1.20am drunk. He was meant to come over at around midday that day but started drinking with his friends and ignored me.
Same thing today, we were meant to go to the park as we haven't seen eachother in a week. He told me at 12 that he'd be over soon. I called him at two and he said he'd be another hour or so. By 4pm there was still no sign of him. I have called him 5 times since then and he hasn't answered. I know calling that much is OTT and to be honest I feel terrible about it because it just isn't 'me' but I am here at home again waiting for him. I could have met my friends today if I knew this was going to happen. I am so hurt. I can't stop crying, everytime he does this it hurts more and more. I don't know how to let him know so that he'll take me seriously. Everytime I say it he says sorry but then does it again. Can he really love me if this is how our relationship is? I'm beginning to doubt everything and my heart is broken thinking about it all. I just wish he'd answer me and tell me what the story is. I feel like such a loser being here crying on my day off but I feel like this is really unfair.

downwesht

Sorry to say but I think your relationship has run it's course.Give him the road and save your caring nature for someone who will appreciate it and not treat you as a doormat.

MagicMarker

Don't under any circumstances move in with this guy. You need to get rid of him and find someone who knows the meaning of the word respect.

B.A._Baracus

So you are second best to going to the pub, playing soccer or him meeting his friends? .. thats not a good sign and it's not you. It's clearly him. Don't second guess yourself on this one.

I don't know you or him, I am just some random bloke but whilst reading your post I said to myself "He's only bloody using her" - So my two cents for what it's worth is that you being stringed along. If you are interested in someone or something you make the time.

Not to get to personal too, but you say he was meant to come over last Sunday at midday but only showed up at 1.20am drunk... he wanted a bit of sex, right? Aka, when it suited him to come over.

Stavro Mueller

I'm sorry hun but I can't see this getting any better. You're only 8 months together and in that time he has demonstrated time and time again that you play second fiddle to him and his mates and his drinking. That 1.20 a.m. visit - that sounds so much like a booty call it's not funny. I also don't like that he's ignoring your calls, not bothering to let you know if his plans have changed, doesn't seem all that pushed about seeing the girl he supposedly loves and is moving in with....

You've spoken to him but all he has done is turned around and continued as before. Do you really think that this going to get better? Honestly?

Incidentally, who was it that suggested you move in together?

December2012

You waited in for him today, you gave him a chance.

What you have to weigh up is whether it not you're happy to do this again.

Personally I wouldn't wait around again, instead go out and see your friends.

Chara1001

Sorry OP, but you're not overreacting or being unfair here.

Its only 8 months, this is the honeymoon period, the time you see each other in the best light. You're being taken for granted at the outset, its not going to improve living together.

Thirteen hours late to meet you and arrives for a booty call instead?

Don't do it OP

Don't move in

judgefudge

Hey OP, hope you're ok.

To be honest I agree with all the above posts. He's knows this is something that hurts you and yet he continues doing it. He can't care that much. I know that probably hurts to think but there's no point lying to yourself. He has shown no respect.

You shouldn't have to lie around crying over some guy all day, you should have been out with your mates. And if this is happening at 8 months then it doesn't look good for the future.

The way I see it this relationship can end in two ways. It can drag on for another year or so with you always feeling worthless and your self esteem sinking lower and lower. Or you can decide now that you deserve more and walk away. The second option will mean there will be considerable more pain in the immediate future, but I think less pain overall. If that makes sense.

Good luck x

thefeatheredcat

You're not a priority to him. And he's treating you like crap.

When someone makes you feel insecure in yourself, leaves you waiting, only shows up when it suits them and not when arranged (and not cancelled with a reason but fobbed off with an open ended un-arranged time that is convenient to them), leaves you wondering or worried for no reason, ignores you and generally leaves you feeling unhappy, miserable, unloved, uncared for, rejected, you only have 2 options: stay as you are and be repeatedly rejected and left feeling miserable all the time until you are just a bundle of insecurity crying all day every day waiting on him, being unhappy because of him or end the relationship, gather back your confidence, your self esteem, your security within yourself and move onwards and upwards.

I really urge you to reconsider the relationship, how you feel, how he treats you and why you feel the way you feel. Don't think about how much you love him or how he supposedly loves you, just work through what you are feeling and realise it's a direct result of how he is treating you. You're being made feel insecure and rejected because of his actions and behaviour towards you.

I would strongly suggest you don't move in with this guy, definitely not when you feel this way and when he's treating you badly, badly enough so that you think you're the one to blame and the one being unfair and unreasonable.

LegacyUser

Sadly I think you guys are right. My heart is broken right now. We met with my whole family today for a dinner and I thought it was lovely. He left shortly after to meet a friend, said he'd be an hour max and I am still waiting for him to come back. When I called him there was loud music and a party in the background. I cried again on the phone and I feel like an idiot. He asked me why do I treat him this way. I am so confused but I just wish he would see it from my point of view. I suspect his friends have probably told him I'm too much hard work. I know I'm not really, I don't mind him going out but he told me he'd be back. When I really pushed him he said he'd be here soon, that was 3 hours ago.

I am heartbroken. I really love him and I really want it to work. I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now.

Stavro Mueller

thanksfortheresponse wrote: »

Sadly I think you guys are right. My heart is broken right now. We met with my whole family today for a dinner and I thought it was lovely. He left shortly after to meet a friend, said he'd be an hour max and I am still waiting for him to come back. When I called him there was loud music and a party in the background. I cried again on the phone and I feel like an idiot. He asked me why do I treat him this way. I am so confused but I just wish he would see it from my point of view. I suspect his friends have probably told him I'm too much hard work. I know I'm not really, I don't mind him going out but he told me he'd be back. When I really pushed him he said he'd be here soon, that was 3 hours ago.

I am heartbroken. I really love him and I really want it to work. I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now.

I'm sorry but this just reinforces what everyone else on this thread has said. Not only is he demonstrating (again!) that you're a distant second to his social life but then he has the gall to turn around and blame you. Please stop thinking that you are the one who's being unreasonable and hard work. You're not. The only person who's in the wrong here is your boyfriend. He's getting the best of both worlds. He's out enjoying himself (and not including you very often by the looks of things) and coming back to you if and when it suits him. It's not unreasonable for you to want him to spend some time with you - why on earth would you be in a relationship if that wasn't the case?

If he had any respect for you at all, he'd be trying to make amends. Instead, he's continuing on as if nothing happened but now blames you for spoiling his fun. To be honest, I think he's only saying he loves you etc. to keep you sweet. It suits him to have you as a girlfriend/warm bed when it's convenient to him. Then the rest of the time you're an annoying inconvenience who's getting in the way of him and the lads and whatever else he's up to.

I know you love him and you want to this to work. It's time to accept that it's not going to work with this guy. It takes two people to make a relationship. He doesn't sound like he wants this to work at all. He's treating you like utter crap and has made absolutely no effort to change things. All the time, you're becoming more and more miserable. It's not right that you're finding yourself crying down the phone to him because he can't be bothered with you. Or that you're sitting around for hours on end with no idea if/when he'll bother to turn up.

December2012

I wonder is he trying to get you to dump him before the move so that he can be "the innocent guy".

Cee-Jay-Cee

I agree with all the above, he doesn't care about you in the slightest and I doubt if your even No.2 on hA list of priorities. It seems his friends, social life, beer and sport are more important.

Take this as a wake up call and finish it now. Do not listen to anymore promises from him as that will only serve to make him believe he can do anything he wants and all he has to so is apologise and yoll wipe the slate clean.

By the way I'm a fella and I think his behaviours is immature selfish and downright nasty. Your better off without him or at least until you are absolutely sure he understands and changes his ways but I certainly would postpone moving in with him till he proves he can act like an adult and. Not a spoilt selfish child.

It might help to show him this thread so that he can see its not just you over reacting to this.

Merkin

Sounds to me like he just hasn't the balls to dump you and is continuing to treat you like sh1t until you finally turn around and dump him. Give him what he wants, dump him.

He has no respect for you so stop putting up with his appalling behavior.

renofan

I'll probably get told off for saying this but he is an absolute pr!ck. No self respecting guy would treat a woman like this, tell him its over, try not waste time crying over him and remember you deserve better. Hope you find a fella who treats you right.

Stavro Mueller

Someone here once said that you shouldn't have to coax someone into going out with you. Too right! This is exactly what is going on here. Why should you be on the back foot feeling like you're the one who's little short of begging this guy to spend time with you? Believe me, if he genuinely did care for you, this wouldn't be an issue. I'd not bother showing him this thread either - I bet he'd twist things around and make you feel like you're wrong again. Even if you can't find the stomach to dump him just now, don't under any circumstances move in with him.

jdsk2006

Ooh my gosh op RUN..... what a toss pot. Cut that emotional drain out of your life asap and make space for a quality lad

judgefudge

December2012 wrote: »

I wonder is he trying to get you to dump him before the move so that he can be "the innocent guy".

It could actually be something like this. He's being so brazen about it... A lot of guys take the cowardly route because they don't have the balls to break up with someone. It's horrible and remember it's a reflection on him, not you.

thefeatheredcat

The reality is OP is that it isn't going to work. And it's not because of you, no, not at all, but because of his own behaviour which is no reflection upon you. Whatever his reasons for being an inconsiderate and terrible boyfriend, his own behaviour is a reflection of himself. Maybe as December suggested, he is trying to get you to dump him, so he doesn't have to. There could be a great truth to that, maybe he has cold feet about moving in with you and is too cowardly to actually be an adult and sit down and talk with you and instead is being childish and nasty.

This guy is unwilling to actually make time for you. He's ignoring you. So that means you're not really going to get a chance to talk about what it is your feeling as a result of how he's treating you. Even if there is a chance of that happening, it's more than likely it resulting in him turning the blame on you, saying you're the one at fault, that you're being needy and insecure......... but without ever realising or admitting or acknowledging that it is his behaviour that is causing you to feel this way. He's already asking you "why do you treat him this way" actually you are just responding to his behaviour rather than you behaving a particular way which he seems to be writing off as you being emotional and insecure for no particular reason.

Imagine if he was responding to your texts and calls, getting back to you, imagine if he did come back after dinner rather than going off to some party that you weren't invited to and being fobbed off.... you'd be happy right? You wouldn't feel like you're being rejected and ignored, you know what way things are and you'd feel a heck of a lot more secure.

I think you need to accept that if you can't talk with him about this, without him attacking you by him being defensive, and turning it around so that you're at fault (which you're not) then there's no relationship to make work.

Find yourself someone who won't treat you this way. You are worth more than this guy and the unhappiness and tears he is creating.

Emme

Get rid ASAP.

There is no way you should move in with this guy. If you do you'll end up being an unpaid maid while he goes out with the lads and does his own thing.

ShaShaBear

Don't even tell him it's over. Simply change your number and don't contact him again. It is very obvious he is trying to goad you into dumping him so that he can tell his friends he has no idea what he did and he can feel miserable. He might even have a girl in mind to move on to, and doesn't want her to see him as a guy that treats girls like crap and dumps them to move on to someone else/

Simply stop calling, stop texting, ignore any contact he makes. If he doesn't contact you either, it's very obvious he doesn't want to be around you. If he tries to twist it like he is already doing, ignoring him will likely blow him into a rage where he will tell you where to go (and in which case you have a lovely text message saying he broke up with you in case, like in my experience with it, his friends ask you why you dumped him.

LegacyUser

This guy doesn't know how lucky he is, there aren't enough girls like you out there OP and I hope you find someone that realises this.

bama

This guy sounds like a waster who only uses you for sex. On the plus side it is better that you find this out now and not when you invested more time and effort in the relationship and after moving in together. As one of the previous posters said under no circumstances should you move in with this yolk.

peace2804

Sorry OP but I don't see this relationship lasting a long time, it's ok if sometimes you decide to meet him and he'll tell you that he has football or something else planned, that's completely understandable, the thing is that he doesn't show you any respect whatsoever by coming late, promising to meet you at 12 and leaving you waiting in the park until 4 or so, this is a complete lack of respect and thus it kinda shows me that he doesn't care about you as much as you do c are about him, this is the way I see things.

How is the rest of the relationship? Have you tried sitting down and discussing these issues with him? If you haven't, then do, and if he still hasn't changed or at least made a great attempt to, then break up with him.