BF suicidal don't know what to do

katakana

Hi,

I'm writing here as I don't know how to handle this, the situation is quite complicated. Basically the reason he is saying he wants to end it all is me in a round about way. Although it is not my fault. I'll try and explain. . .

3 years ago I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. We were told that we shouldn't leave having a family any later than me being 30. (I'm about to turn 28). I at that point had just started studying in Scotland, currently I have 2 years left of my course (but I may move back to Ireland if necessary).
The long distance and my illness has put a massive strain on our relationship. He has always had problems with money and has disliked his job, even though he works harder than anyone I know.

A few weeks ago I had my third surgery. The doctor explained that my bowel has been infiltrated by the endo and the lower portion of it essentially destroyed, so I need a bowel resection and may have a permanent colostomy bag. He also thinks I have adenomyosis (endo growing in the wall of my womb) causing some of the pain and the only way to deal with this is to have a hysterectomy.

Whilst the surgery is essential for my health, we haven't had children, so that has been taken into consideration; the doc explained he could delay the surgery if the progression of the disease was halted. He can give me further hormone treatment to shut down my ovaries for up to a max of two years and then if I get pregnant that can also keep the disease at bay. So if we ever want to have kids the latest we can start trying is just under 2 years from now.

We have wanted to get engaged for the last 3 years. Between me being in and out of hospital and being gazumped by close friends/family 5 times it just hasn't happened. 3 couples close to us in the last 6 months have got engaged and it's been like being in a queue trying to find a space. From my personal perspective its immensely painful because these people get to enjoy their relationship without pressure and hospitals. They get to get engaged and plan weddings without time constraints.

Over the last 6 months we've had so many arguments, because any time weddings and/or babies are brought to the fore I get really emotional.

To get back to my boyfriend and why he's feeling as he is. He went around jewellers yesterday and was knocked back for credit on a ring. He went to work this morning and then started texting me to tell me about this and that he was worthless and he wants to kill himself, I deserve better etc.

I have no idea how to cope with this. My family are insistent upon marriage before children, there has been an entire rift caused already as my cousin had a baby outside marriage. They have offered to lend him the money but he won't take it. I can't imagine how he feels.

On the one hand he's had 3 years notice of how serious this is, we've been together 5 years in total and whilst he dithers I'm having to go through further procedures and potentially be more harmed. I've a house in ireland and have invested over 20k in renovating, I had wanted to move to Scotland permanently but I did this so at least when I was home we could be together and I needed some progression from what our relationship was like in my early twenties.

I can accept that he has very little money and that he doesn't come from the same sort of background as me. I can't understand why he is letting me suffer like this and why he can't see that he's jeopardising my chance at any sort of life.

He's left all this so last minute that motherhood is much less likely and he wants me home permanently so that means giving up the degree/career I wanted too. Why does he take so much and then become like this when he has to do anything in return?

I realise this is turning into a thread about me more so that what's going on with him. I'm trying to get a lot of this out of my system before I have to speak to him because now he is feeling suicidal about it I won't be able to express anything about how I feel.

What on earth do I do about this?
All the romance has been sucked out of everything, I miss him so much. Things were better the last few days and then he goes into a jewellers and we're back to square -10. I feel for him so much because I know he loves me and wants to provide, he sees all his mates who are younger have proposed and that it's difficult for me to be out with that company. I honestly have started to wonder if he's even ready for this or if it is what he wants. I think he loves the thought of it but that maybe it scares him. He's 31 though and if he wanted me wouldn't he not just get on with it?

I've had to have discussions with him along the line of are you up for kids in the next two years or not, because if you're not its not fair to drag me on into this. . . . I feel awful. The girlfriend part of me knows that what he needs is to just have the relationship we've always had with no change and talking about the future as a distant spectacle. But that's not very fair on me at all. Even if I shut up about it - it's everywhere in our social circle and pretending that I'm ok when I'm not isn't really normal is it. I'm so scared and I think he is too. I feel so sorry that he hasn't got the money he wants. I hate to see him so unhappy. He comes out saying he wants to kill himself and that he's never been so unhappy in his whole life. Stuff like that it gets to me, I try so hard and nothing or how far I move mountains changes anything.

I don't understand why he is being like this and I don't know how to help him whilst taking care of myself at the same time. I'm so tired and I don't think I want anything more than what is normal out of life, I don't see why he needs to let it affect him like this.

Sorry it's been so rambling, I just don't know what to do.

R.D. aka MR.D

I'm sorry to hear about your illness. It must be very difficult for you.

I also feel bad for your boyfriend. From reading your post, it seems like you feel like he owes all of this to you. But in reality he doesn't. He can walk away at any time.

It seems like he is trying really hard to keep you happy.

Have you considered not being so conventional in your approach. Would i be right in saying you are better off than him financially? Why don't you just buy your own ring if you really need to have one.

Your illness must also be really difficult for him and it is commendable that he is staying with you.

username123

Theres a lot in your post so Ill just try to address some points.

First, I am sorry to hear of your medical issues and of your boyfriends mental health issues.

You havent actually stated anywhere how either of you feel about having children - is this something you both want? Even if it is biologically impossible for you, then adoption is always an option also? What I am reading suggests that you feel (and he feels) that you are in a massive pressure cooker - but have you thought of alternatives?

Another thing that strikes me is this - someone who is honestly worried about what their parents think of them getting pregnant probably isnt ready to have a baby. You are your own independent person. So what if you are not married and you have a baby? Your parents do not have your medical issues or indeed, your free will. I heartily suggest you accept that now you are close to 30 years of age you cannot live your life for your parents. I cannot stress that enough.

Same on the engagement thing. Why are you even paying attention to what other people are doing. If you want to get engaged, get engaged. If you want to pay for a nice ring, pay for it. I dont understand all this holding off because of hospitals and other people. Just do it if thats what you want to do.

Both of you seem to expect an awful lot from the other person. He wants you home, no degree etc.. You want him to make a commitment. He feels depressed and worthless and you resent him for feeling this way. Id say he feels that he is being forced into fatherhood too quickly and guilty if he doesnt want to go along with it right now immediately because if he doesnt then you are stuck up the creek without a paddle etc....

Under the circumstances I think that both of you would be best just taking a step back. No relationship under so much strain will handle also bringing an engagement, marriage and baby (in that order) into it.

Could you take even a 2 or 3 month break of just not talking about or trying to plan around your illness and just try to enjoy a "normal" relationship without those kinds of pressures? Im sure you are reading this thinking "I CANT DO THAT I DONT HAVE TIME ETC" but if the doc is saying things can be delayed for 2 years and then further delayed with pregnancy - there is time to take a couple of months out to try to relax and calm everything down?

katakana

Hey RD,

Of course I feel bad for my boyfriend too, I've been on the phone to him on and off all morning and have rung advice lines, posted on forums such as this because I'm worried about him.

He keeps saying how much he wants to do this and I'm being as supportive as I can be. I have provided a place to live and used the entirety of an inheritance to do so. I would provide a ring if I wasn't a student with an income less than half of what he has. If he can afford a ps4 he can afford a ring. Maybe I do feel a bit like I am owed what he's promised, because I've believed in him and feel intensely vulnerable because of everything I've emotionally put into this, there is a lot on the line for me.

Essentially our relationship timeline has been sped up because of the endo. We're under so much pressure medically and it is hard for both of us to have to get everything together sooner than we originally wanted. We want to be able to have a 'normal' relationship and to be able to enjoy the milestones of engagement/getting married in their own right even though we're in a rush for pregnancy.

I've spoken to him and apparently he had wanted it all sorted before us going on holiday so I said to be more realistic, and if it took a little longer then nps I care more about him feeling well than being proposed to on a beach!

This has been so difficult for both of us, I've had 3 major surgeries, 5 unpleasant investigative procedures, 10 consultants, steroids, hormone enforced menopause etc in 3 years. It has been horrendous for him to stand by and have to watch me go through this. So it is completely commendable that he is still with me. However in most relationships a partner becomes ill at some point, I wouldn't say that just because we are younger it would be the norm for him to up and leave me.

katakana

Hi 123,

We both definately want kids, we spend a lot of time with our nieces and genuinely enjoy it, I started a course as a mature student because I wanted to be a better provider. We talk about kids all the time, even down to cute babygrows and what school to send them too, we are probably more relaxed about it than managing to get engaged and married in a tight timeframe! We know what our options are for ivf and adoption and would plan to persue them in that order, cut off point for ivf is 38 and adoption less likely after that age, it sounds like lots of time but when you equate waiting lists into that and cost issues it isn't. It is like a pressure cooker, we hate not having the same freedom of choice as others our age, we hadn't initially wanted to have kids until I was around 33. We're both trying to adapt to all of this, it's a lot to process.

I know I can't live my life for my parents, it's not just them, I have a very close relationship with my family. My cousin's pregnancy resulted with my uncle disowning my grandmother, I won't go into it but it has not been an easy time in the family. From my own personal perspective I would like to be married before becoming pregnant.
You're totally right about the engagement, we need to stop worrying about other people, it's about us. You hit the nail on the head about the creek and paddle! I am worried he's feeling obligated, I really hope he can feel like he wants to go ahead of his own volition. I keep asking him is he sure this is what he wants and he says yes.
No matter what he is a hundred times more important to me than having some trinket.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how to take the strain off, how to bring it back to basics, it's like I said I want us to be able to enjoy the regular relationship milestones in their own right for us, because it isn't just to have a baby that we're doing this, we do love each other.

We are planning on turning off all phones when on hol and just relaxing. We do go through points of it just being normal. What tends to bring up conflict isn't ourselves, it's more when we go out and people stir it up. You know the usual 'how many years now? ahhh and no ring', or going on and on about babies. Sometimes you just want to go out and relax and not think about what you're stressing about.

Hannibal Smith

Have you thought of going to counselling together?. Theres a lot of outside pressure thats seeping into hour relationship. If yiu want to get engaged ...do it. It doesnt matter who got there first or how old they are. If you both want to move on with your relationship shut out outside noise and do it.

Healthwise you're under time constraints if you want a family. If its what you both want then go a head if you cant afford to get married. ..bypass that and to hell what the families think. If children is whwt you really want you'll regret not having them more than you'll regret hacking off family. Their feelings may change. ..you're ability to have children more than likely wont if you wait to long.

You feel hard done by because people are able to progress with their relationship s before you. ..if you feel that way about engagement. ..how will you feel if they start having families and it doesn't happen for you guys?

Thats why I suggest the two of you go to counselling together and discuss everything and get the proper tools to help you both move forward. Before you even think about f having a baby...work through yiur issues first

username123

katakana wrote: »

I am worried he's feeling obligated, I really hope he can feel like he wants to go ahead of his own volition. I keep asking him is he sure this is what he wants and he says yes.

The fact you recognise this is great. I suppose from his perspective its not even that he is afraid of the things he has to do but he is probably afraid of how he would be seen if he didnt do anything. I know if I were him I would feel trapped to a degree because someone elses happiness is dependent on how he behaves.

Ok - so you could break up with him and decide to go to a sperm bank and be a single mother - but realistically you probably wouldnt do that and he is thinking - if its not him then he ruins your chances of ever having children - and given what you have said above about wanting them - thats a really bad thing.

Poor guy - its a lot of pressure to be under. Its no surprise he is suffering with his mental health due to the strain.

Poor you as well, its hardly ideal for you to be the person responsible for that kind of pressure - obviously its not a position you ever wanted to find yourself in! Your own mental health is probably suffering too.

Counselling would be a good idea. As would learning how to tune out the world. So what what other people ask or think - its nothing to do with them. I will reiterate what I said originally - dont pay attention to other people.

Neyite

Ok, I understand what you are going through regarding your body clock. I've felt that pressure.

An engagement is a question. And an answer. So if he asks and you answer in the affirmative, you are engaged. Done.

So just plan the wedding. Forget what other couples are doing. They are living life to their deadlines. You have yours and that is all you should be focused with.

A wedding can be done for €150 quid - which if he had a couple of hundred is better to spend it on this rather than an engagement ring. Then you are married which takes the pressure from extended family out of the argument. (personally, I feel that you are an adult making your own choices and to hell with whoever wants to fall out with whoever they like -let them off. But its important to you so thats why I suggest this solution)

Down the line once you have had your children that you both want, you can plan a lovely ceremony with all the bells and whistles if you like. But for the moment, like everyone else has said, tune interfering relations and what others are doing and focus on you as a couple.

Its far more beneficial to ensure you are a rock-solid couple with stress and mental health issues dealt with for any babies you plan on having. Right now you need to stop it being about everybody else, and make it all about you and him.

katakana

hannibal
- You know you're the second person today to say about couples counselling, I'm getting some counselling to help me deal with things and I think he could really do with some proper support too. He's been very blokey about it though and refusing to go near the doc. I will mention couples and see if he'd be more up for that. I defo feel we both care most about having kids, wedding is possible financially it's just getting it all arranged in time, agreed we need to say feck it to the family interference more.
Very good point on others starting to have families. Do not know how to handle that one. His cousin got preg a while ago, he made big fuss that I had to hold it together. After 3hrs of babytalk around the table and hearing of the problems with her tubes and the miracle of it all (nobody knew about our probs) I wasn't dealing with it. I was very quiet, drinking quite quickly and excused myself, when his aunt followed and started talking about god I broke down. So I'm already not coping with it. We def need some help with this. I want us to be the strongest we can be for each other to manage this so we can just get on with our lives.

123 - you have him sussed, he's worried about what others think, about letting me down, the works. I think he thinks it has to be the biggest spectacle ever, he is extraordinarily generous in present giving and to him this is the ultimate. I don't want him to feel trapped, I've said if he isn't up for it then thats ok but he needs to let me go if his heart isn't in it, which is fair enough isn't it?

if its not him then he ruins your chances of ever having children - and given what you have said above about wanting them - thats a really bad thing.

I think this has been on our minds a lot in the last 3 wks since surgery, we knew before that was the worst case scenario, but it wasn't confirmed. Living with 'now or never' is bizarre. I keep having to say babe it isn't me that's set the timer and I don't want to be asking these questions of you. I feel so bad about it as I didn't ask for it and I don't want to let him down in having kids either as I know he really wants them too.

Neyite
- I said yes october 2010 so he already knows what I'm going to say. I only want to do something small with people close to us. As long as he and the dress (lol) are there and I get to be his missus I don't care about anything else. We definately need to make it about me and him more, and I think that includes ousting the illness we've been working round as much as possible too.

dellas1979

Seems like you (and him) are strongly resisting change to what you expected on both your idealisitc life "timelines". Sounds like he's just woken up to this.

If you/he wanted to get married, in reality, and again not on idealistic idealisms of big rings and white horses, you/he would do it.

If you both wanted a child, you/he would do it. You are bringing a whole different kettle of fish in here by thinking about what other people think.

Its your life. Its his life.

Hows about starting by asking him what he wants/and you telling him what you want, in the most baring, realistic conversation.

PS: While I used big rings and white horses above, it does sound like you want it all (to me anyways). And, in life you learn that you cant. You need to slow down and breath. If you are giving the impression here of that, I can only imagine what the young fella is thinking "I cant afford a ring, I cant afford to get married, pressure about having a family immediately, medical worries, job worries, youre in another country".

December2012

Your cousins pregnancy may have resulted in granny disowning her/him and uncle not talking to her, but the main thing it resulted in ... A baby. A new family.

If you want to get married, then do it. It can be done cheaply and quickly and beautifully.

Just focus on your positive aspects of your relationship.

If you think your fiancé (he asked you to marry him, you said yes, he is not your boyfriend, he's your fiancé) is seriously suicidal, contact an organisation like Aware or The Samaritans to see the best way you can help him with that problem. Pieta House may also have some helpful tips.

katakana

oops duplicated post!

katakana

dellas
-[HTML]Seems like you (and him) are strongly resisting change to what you expected on both your idealisitc life "timelines"[/HTML]
I'd say this is strongly true. I didn't expect to need a colostomy or hysterectomy at 27, nor did I expect to begin a degree to then have family matters prioritised. I think wanting to better yourself as a provider before having kids is quite responsible, as to idealistic I don't know maybe.
But yes we're both struggling with having our lives dictated by doctors.
[HTML]Sounds like he's just woken up to this.[/HTML]
Mulling this over, could be true.
[HTML]If you/he wanted to get engaged, in reality, and again not on idealistic idealisms of big rings and white horses, you/he would do it.[/HTML]
Admittedly, on any of the occasions where it happened for someone close to us a few days before we were planning, we should have just said stuff it and gone ahead. We both felt a sense of disappointment for ourselves, sort of crest fallen, I think we've been through so much we wanted our time, it's human enough. As for the other times when I was taken into hospital, well he didn't really fancy proposing when I was in a ward.
[HTML]If you both wanted a child, you/he would do it. You are bringing a whole different kettle of fish in here by thinking about what other people think.[/HTML] Kids cost money, that we haven't got all of as we didn't anticipate the situation. Also if I'm to have major surgery straight after pregnancy my bf will need help to look after me and a baby (whilst working 70hr wk) So if you need family help then it really does matter what they think, well to a certain extent.

We have baring conversations like that all the time, and I keep asking him what he wants repeatedly because I don't want him to just be doing something because I want it.

[HTML]"I cant afford a ring, I cant afford to get married, pressure about having a family immediately, medical worries, job worries, youre in another country"[/HTML]

absolute nail on head about everything he's worried about, so how do I console him whilst attending to what I need too?

dellas1979

Yeah but the thing is OP, life never ever ever turns out like you expect it to.

Targets and ambitions that we set on our life are rarely met. Sometimes they happen later, if you keep trying. Sometimes earlier. Sometimes not at all. That doesnt mean we give up. Means we reevaluate.

Now, the thing is, you seem to be holding onto the control...the ideal...the timeline...and sort of forcing it (and you seem overly concerned about what people think and what other people are doing, and not focussed enough on what makes you and him happy)....and he is trying to make sense of it all - the pressure is not only on you now. Youre not holding the actual targets and ambitions in your sight, youre holding that same timeline. Its dangling infront of you, almost taunting you at this stage. The "what should have beens".

And that is not uncommon in someone who has been through so much and is facing decisions. You do have options, which is great. But you need to take the pressure off, at least to make the decisions. Not one person on this planet can make a decent decision with so much pressure on them (and he seems to be taking it really on his shoulders).

katakana

[HTML]Yeah but the thing is OP, life never ever ever turns out like you expect it to.[/HTML]

To be fair that's a bit harsh considering the circumstances. I am trying my best to adjust to this, as is he. We are in the process of reevaluating and are certainly not giving up.

This new timeline set by the doc is the maximum available. Having to take hormone treatment for any longer than 6 months gives me a high risk of osteoporosis and other problems so it isn't a decision I take lightly, I am putting myself in greater risk by increasing the time and wanting to have kids at all. The healthiest thing I could do for me would be to have section and hysterectomy surgery asap.

I have said to my partner -clearly- 'I would really like to have kids. Do you want to as well and to have them with me? Unfortunately I have to make some decisions now (ie. uni, ie. money etc) that all have to do with our relationship, so please can you let me know where I stand. If you aren't wanting the same things that is cool too.' I am not forcing anything, I'm just asking for some consideration.

I had surgery 3 weeks ago, do you honestly think in that amount of time I have been able to fully grasp what the actual targets now are to be able to hold them in my sight. Of course I'm upset about what should have been. It would have been easier to hear bad news if our relationship were more advanced. It's irritating after working so hard instead of being able to set up a secure career to provide and take some pressure off my partner, I have to get pregnant straight after my degree which will put more financial pressure on him. Of course I'm holding onto the timeline from before to some degree; the rug has been pulled from under us and we're trying to rebuild the floor.

I agree we do have options but we need to get on with life to have the best chance. Or at least I do. You are definately right that it is more difficult to make decisions when under pressure, but I can't do anything to make it completely disappear. He chose to go to a jewellers by himself and only told me after, I didn't drag him there. I just want him to be happy and to get what he wants out of life, all I ask is there is some fairness towards me too. Life is tough, and sure whatever decision you make, no matter how decent, it never ever turns out like you expect it to :-)

seosamh1980

katakana wrote: »

Hi,
We have wanted to get engaged for the last 3 years. Between me being in and out of hospital and being gazumped by close friends/family 5 times it just hasn't happened. 3 couples close to us in the last 6 months have got engaged and it's been like being in a queue trying to find a space. From my personal perspective its immensely painful because these people get to enjoy their relationship without pressure and hospitals. They get to get engaged and plan weddings without time constraints.

I can't even comprehend this paragraph. You weren't gazumped by anyone, they got engaged, did they know you were planning on it? Even if they did, people are entitled to do whatever they want, as are you. It doesn't matter at all when you get engaged and who does around the same time, that sounds like a bad excuse.

katakana wrote: »

I said yes october 2010 so he already knows what I'm going to say. I only want to do something small with people close to us. As long as he and the dress (lol) are there and I get to be his missus I don't care about anything else. We definately need to make it about me and him more, and I think that includes ousting the illness we've been working round as much as possible too.

So, he asked, you said yes, excuse my ignorance but doesn't that make you engaged? At least that was how I got engaged. As has been mentioned a wedding can be done for €150, and a ring is nice but not necessary, so you're stalling by wanting a "proper" wedding.

Also if this was me and I wanted kids and had a deadline for it I'd be having the kids first, then getting married after if I wanted the big wedding, and if anybody dared to insult or disown me and I felt I owed them an explanation I'd tell them that some medical issues meant having kids sooner rather than later was necessary so you prioritised that. Although I really don't think you need to justify your actions to anyone or do things the way other people want you to. If my mother had her way I wouldn't "bother" getting married because it didn't work out for her, she nearly scoffs at the notion of marriage, but that's not stopping me doing it.

dellas1979

katakana wrote: »

[HTML]Yeah but the thing is OP, life never ever ever turns out like you expect it to.[/HTML]

To be fair that's a bit harsh considering the circumstances. I am trying my best to adjust to this, as is he. We are in the process of reevaluating and are certainly not giving up.

That is not harsh. That is reality. And ****ty things happen to nice people.

You still dont seem to be grasping what is going on (hence your partner flying off the handle/cant cope either) so no, you are not reevaluating or making decisions right now (you seem to think you are or that he should). Take what time you need to process it all, yes there is no doubting youve been through a lot, and finding it hard to cope, but if he is listening to what you are writing here, I cant blame him that he cant cope. Try listening to him rather than talking at him and take some of the pressure off.

katakana

seosamh1980 wrote: »

I can't even comprehend this paragraph. You weren't gazumped by anyone, they got engaged, did they know you were planning on it? Even if they did, people are entitled to do whatever they want, as are you. It doesn't matter at all when you get engaged and who does around the same time, that sounds like a bad excuse.

At christmas I told only two friends our exact plans and the seriousness of the entire situation etc. Within 4wks one of them got engaged. That particular couple are very competitive. She previously got upset because I got my boyfriend a better beer fridge than she had got her boyfriend. *yes seriously*. We don't want any hassle we just want to have our own time. As for the first instance it was family and I had to endure being made fun of at a family table with assertions that his 12 yr old neice would be the next to get married. I'm sorry but I didn't find it very funny. Sort of makes it difficult to still feel in the moment after that.

seosamh1980 wrote: »

So, he asked, you said yes, excuse my ignorance but doesn't that make you engaged? At least that was how I got engaged. As has been mentioned a wedding can be done for €150, and a ring is nice but not necessary, so you're stalling by wanting a "proper" wedding

It wasn't done officially and he wanted to get a ring. I realise weddings can be done cheaply and I do only want something small. After all we've been through, we can't even be intimate with each other as much as we want because its too painful, so after everything, is it so unreasonable for us to want to be able to plan a day that's a bit special for us, as I said 'We want to be able to have a 'normal' relationship and to be able to enjoy the milestones of engagement/getting married in their own right even though we're in a rush for pregnancy.'

seosamh1980 wrote: »

Also if this was me and I wanted kids and had a deadline for it I'd be having the kids first, then getting married after if I wanted the big wedding, and if anybody dared to insult or disown me and I felt I owed them an explanation I'd tell them that some medical issues meant having kids sooner rather than later was necessary so you prioritised that

As I said 'Kids cost money, that we haven't got all of as we didn't anticipate the situation. Also if I'm to have major surgery straight after pregnancy my bf will need help to look after me and a baby (whilst working 70hr wk) So if you need family help then it really does matter what they think, well to a certain extent.' By the way my cousin has endo too, which is why she rushed to have a baby, and that has made absolutely no difference.

katakana

dellas1979 wrote: »

You still dont seem to be grasping what is going on (hence your partner flying off the handle/cant cope either) so no, you are not reevaluating or making decisions right now (you seem to think you are or that he should). Take what time you need to process it all, yes there is no doubting youve been through a lot, and finding it hard to cope, but if he is listening to what you are writing here, I cant blame him that he cant cope. Try listening to him rather than talking at him and take some of the pressure off.

How am I not grasping what's going on?!?! In light of the seriousness of what the doc has said I may move home permanently, to focus on my relationship with my partner. But if he isn't ready to settle down what is the point of me doing that?

Yes we are under pressure by the docs timeline. Additionally my flatmate in Scotland has departed for timbuktu leaving me with her share of rent for 3 months (substantial). The landlord is taking legal action. If I am coming home I would mount opposition to their taking action, if not then I would handle it differently. I haven't asked for fireworks, or immediate rings or whatever, just for him to be straight with me and give me a clue as to what he wants because it affects me.

He isn't coping with things, you are spot on with all he is stressed about and I don't in any way want him to be upset or unhappy.

seosamh1980

As mentioned life doesn't always work out the way we want, so unfortunately you don't have the luxury of planning a wedding day the way you want it, if you want to fit it in asap before having kids. Others in life will get to spend as long as they want planning their dream day with loads of money, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. You'll probably think this is harsh too but it all just sounds like lots of excuses. If it was me I would really be leaving the planning of a fab wedding until after you've had a child/children, it can wait, babies can't in this situation.

Koptain Liverpool

I feel really sorry for your boyfriend. I think most of the blame here lies with you.
He asked you to marry him yet you're holding out for a ring despite the fact that you're well off and he can't afford one??

You need to get your priorities right. What's more important - having a baby that you say you want so much with someone you say you love or keeping your parents happy??

December2012

"Within 4wks one of them got engaged. That particular couple are very competitive"

Do you expect other people to stop their plans because of your situation?

You are viewing other proposals through your prism - it's as if you're thinking that the done thing is that "I have to wait to get engaged so they should do".

That's not how things are - people get engaged because they want to get married. I can understand wanting to maximise enjoyment out if a lovely situation, but putting an engagement on hold this long for that reason would suggest that you are not thinking correctly.

If you want to get engaged, then get engaged. The world doesn't stop.

katakana

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

I feel really sorry for your boyfriend. I think most of the blame here lies with you.
He asked you to marry him yet you're holding out for a ring despite the fact that you're well off and he can't afford one??

You need to get your priorities right. What's more important - having a baby that you say you want so much with someone you say you love or keeping your parents happy??

He wanted to get the ring. I have less than half his amount of money coming in a year. We are in no way financially prepared for having a baby also I would need substantial help following serious surgery in future that my bf can not provide on his own, especially if we have a baby too. Ergo we need family on side for their help.

seosamh1980

After we got engaged 6 friends did within 4 months (3 more since then), and all 6 will be married by the time we get married, two in the same venue as us. Should we have called off ours, moved venue, sulked and changed our plan for our life, just because of the decisions of others? When other people get engaged/married has no bearing on when you do it, you don't seem to see that.

Re: finances, babies themselves don't cost that much until they go to school. People always say that you will find the money if/when you have to, or that they wouldn't let finances stop them having a baby, because if you wait until the right time to have a baby you'll never have one. The only finite thing in your situation is your fertility. Money, help with a baby, marriage, etc can all be worried about once you actually are pregnant/have a child, for now you're putting off the one thing that has a deadline.

katakana

December2012 wrote: »

Do you expect other people to stop their plans because of your situation?

No of course I don't, I just don't understand the oneupmanship, they hadn't planned to for some time and then as soon as she knew our plans they escalated theirs. Look its past history.

And no I don't think anyone should have to wait to get engaged once they have decided they want to because it has certainly done us no good whatsoever.

dellas1979

I'm trying to break this down for you, from what youve said:

Do you feel betrayed/angry/beyond upset at your condition and what decisions it is making you face up to: Yes.

Do you want a baby? Yes. It seems very important to you.

Does your partner want a baby? Yes. From what you say.

Will you need support after the baby is born (unmarried)? Yes. Youve adequate time to put something in place IF your family wont help you.

Does it matter what other people (including family) think? Hell, No. They should want you to be happy.

Did your cousin NOT have a baby because of her family's reaction? No. And Im sure she will never regret it.

Do you want to get married? Yes

Does your partner want to get married? Yes. He proposed to you.

Does it matter to you when you announce your engagement? Yes. Youre saying your friend is being compeditive, but you are being equally compeditive. You should concentrate on your own business/happiness/partner's happiness. See family question above.

Is it possible to get married in 6/12 months time without the whole shannigans of a huge white wedding/cost? Yes.

Is it possible in 7/13 months time to have a baby? Ill presume from what youve said yes.

December2012

Why do you think it's oneupmanship? Why do you even care why they got engaged?

People do not agree to marry another person to get one up on their friend. You don't know what their relationship was at, you're not in it.

You have too much on your plate right now to be living your life according to what other people do. Fair enough if you want to wait until you're in a more secure place financially before getting pregnant. The engagement is the start of the road. You don't need money to do it. You need love and commitment.

Koptain Liverpool

katakana wrote: »

He wanted to get the ring. I have less than half his amount of money coming in a year. We are in no way financially prepared for having a baby also I would need substantial help following serious surgery in future that my bf can not provide on his own, especially if we have a baby too. Ergo we need family on side for their help.

I hear what you're saying but I still think you need to have a good hard think about what's most important to you. Then discuss this with your partner and really talk about if both your wishes, plans and hopes are compatible. If keeping your parents happy tops your agenda fair enough. I really think from what you've said though that keeping your parents happy is over complicating things to too much of a degree. Things are only as hard as you make them.

LegacyUser

Looking from the outside in, it seems almost as though you have put up every possible obstacle to a future with this guy: you are engaged for 3 years and haven't told anyone (how do you think that makes him feel); you won't move forward with any wedding plans because other people are getting engaged; you've had a fair idea that there would be fertility issues all along, but are insisting on a wedding first - which you've stalled on for three years; and you moved away to do a course (was there no chance of doing an equivalent course here?).

If I were your fiancÃ႒႒©, I'd be feeling very rejected - and confused, because you are laying the blame at his door for all of the roadblocks that you've put up.

Are you sure that you even want a future with this guy?

iwantmydinner

OP, you've posted here looking for advice, but you don't seem to be taking any of the (frankly excellent) advice already posted onboard. Here's some more advice and I hope you start listening.

The situation is: you want a baby, and you need to get cracking because of your medical issues. You want to be married before having the baby. Your boyfriend is freaking out because he wants to buy you an engagement ring and can't afford one; you're resentful at the people in your circle who are getting engaged, married and pregnant and you feel as if you can't move on with your plans because their plans are getting in the way.

The solution is: the two of you need to sit down and re-align your priorities. Which is more important - the wedding or actually being married? Simplicity is key here. Get a nice, cheap ring tomorrow and ye could be married this time three months. Yes, it would be nicer for ye to be able to plan a special day but ye don't have the time or the money for it. Ye need to forget the traditional option and while yer at it, forget about what other couples are doing. They're doing things according to their schedules - ye need to just focus on yer schedule.

You might feel I'm being harsh, but I'm not, I'm just being blunt. It seems like you and your boyfriend are still very much wrapping yer heads around the new reality that your diagnosis has presented, which is entirely natural and understandable. Take a wee breather, ye have a lot to process. The couples counselling might be an excellent start. Everything will become clear and straightforward if ye allow yerselves a little bit of time and space to just get yer heads around what's in front of ye. Best of luck OP.

Chara1001

Hi OP,

I just want to say that from this thread, i have a lot of admiration for you. You seem stoic, brave, and practical in the face of adversity.
I am sorry to hear about you health and fertility issues, but you seem to be incredibly strong.

I don't like the way this thread is going. From what i understand, you are living with the health (and therefore time pressures) regarding pregnancy, you are all too aware of the pressure this places on your fiance and are trying to be strong for him as well as yourself, as he is under massive pressure now (the penny dropping as it were).

As many other posters said, its a really good idea to try to separate issues, your children are about you and your fiance- not about the rest of the family (even though i know you will need their help post birth and post op afterwards) but that is only for a short enough period of time. You seem to agree with the wedding issues that others have posted about- honestly OP, the amount of worries you have seems (to me) to have started you panicking, who cares about the timelines your friends have for their engagements or weddings? honestly- don't workaround them, make your own plans.

I feel for your fiance though, i really do, it sound as though he's a fantastic person but crippled under pressure- largely from himself i reckon- thinking what 'should' he be doing re ring etc.

you guys need to be just around each other for a bit- no reminding of time pressures, no expectations, no outside influences- just take a breather together. If this doesn't help you fiance, some counselling. He seems a lovely person- but he also has massive pressures on him. (not necessarily by you,OP but he from what you say, he sounds terrified the moment)- all these things that people get to talk about over the course of years, he has to resolve right now. But- so do you OP, but its not your fault either- far from it. So my advice is to talk- don't demand answers to large questions and to calm down, both of you.

OP if you really think he's suicidal, please get him to call the samaritans, the suicide prevention team, anything. Maybe the forthcoming months should be about him being looked after (don't mean that in a bad way OP but i think he's buckling under the pressure here)

CaraMay

Op firstly I'm sorry to hear you have been so unwell. I understand you desire to have kids sooner rather than later and your wish to be married first. I still don't understand why you haven't just slipped off, with your family and gotten married.

Aside from all that, your bf's very serious comment with regard taking his life has now put an entirely trajectory on the whole situation. Surely you cannot be thinking of having a baby with a man who admits he is suicidal? You really can't bring a child into a situation like this with someone who no longer wants to live. It would be very wrong.

Everyone who wants a baby sadly doesn't get one and while that's heartbreaking its also a part of life and people get over it and move on.

On the back of your bf's serious mental health issues, you really need to park this ... I understand the timelines involved but your bf should be more important to you than chasing this dream. He needs your help right now and it was be a total injustice to all involved to bring a child into this relationship.

Calhoun

katakana wrote: »

[HTML]Yeah but the thing is OP, life never ever ever turns out like you expect it to.[/HTML]

To be fair that's a bit harsh considering the circumstances. I am trying my best to adjust to this, as is he. We are in the process of reevaluating and are certainly not giving up.

This new timeline set by the doc is the maximum available. Having to take hormone treatment for any longer than 6 months gives me a high risk of osteoporosis and other problems so it isn't a decision I take lightly, I am putting myself in greater risk by increasing the time and wanting to have kids at all. The healthiest thing I could do for me would be to have section and hysterectomy surgery asap.

I have said to my partner -clearly- 'I would really like to have kids. Do you want to as well and to have them with me? Unfortunately I have to make some decisions now (ie. uni, ie. money etc) that all have to do with our relationship, so please can you let me know where I stand. If you aren't wanting the same things that is cool too.' I am not forcing anything, I'm just asking for some consideration.

I had surgery 3 weeks ago, do you honestly think in that amount of time I have been able to fully grasp what the actual targets now are to be able to hold them in my sight. Of course I'm upset about what should have been. It would have been easier to hear bad news if our relationship were more advanced. It's irritating after working so hard instead of being able to set up a secure career to provide and take some pressure off my partner, I have to get pregnant straight after my degree which will put more financial pressure on him. Of course I'm holding onto the timeline from before to some degree; the rug has been pulled from under us and we're trying to rebuild the floor.

I agree we do have options but we need to get on with life to have the best chance. Or at least I do. You are definately right that it is more difficult to make decisions when under pressure, but I can't do anything to make it completely disappear. He chose to go to a jewellers by himself and only told me after, I didn't drag him there. I just want him to be happy and to get what he wants out of life, all I ask is there is some fairness towards me too. Life is tough, and sure whatever decision you make, no matter how decent, it never ever turns out like you expect it to :-)

I honestly don't think this point was being harsh at all, i think this medical issue is clouding your judgement its like you have been told you can't have something after a certain point so your trying to cram it all in now before your ready.

If i was your partner, i don't think i would be suicidal but i would have serious reservations about our future. You are more concerned about what your family and friends think than your future together. I couldn't be with someone who puts family "tradition" or "rules" ahead of everything or letting family control my actions with threats of being cut off.

I personally think you guys have bigger issues than just the baby or wedding thing that this tight timeline is bringing to the surface, i do hope you take the time to address them or your goal could slip away.

However, If you do want to have a wedding this year its going to be a have to be a very basic affair, i got married this year spent way to much and it took at least a year to organize my brides perfect day. You don't have the time nor do i think you can afford the strain of arranging a big wedding, so if you are going to go ahead it needs to be cheap and cheerful and done in a registry office.

If you both agree to start trying, i would try while i was sorting the wedding. My own wife was 8 weeks along on our wedding day, the child will be born within wedlock (not that it matters) but most will be non the wiser .

I know my post is very critical OP but i am just concerned that this time pressure is pushing you down a path you are not ready for. My wife and i didn't get pregnant above by accident, we planned it as we were at a stage where we were ready to take our love for each other to the next level. Your not there with your partner, you have many issues including your own family you will need to resolve before you do get there.

I wish you the best of look with it and hope you can compromise with your partner to get what you both want.

YumCha

katakana wrote: »

I can't imagine how he feels.
I'm having to go through further procedures and potentially be more harmed
I've a house in ireland and have invested over 20k in renovating
I had wanted to move to Scotland permanently but I did this so at least when I was home we could be together and I needed some progression
I can accept that he has very little money and that he doesn't come from the same sort of background as me
I can't understand why he is letting me suffer like this and why

he's had 3 years notice of how serious this is
he can't see that he's jeopardising my chance at any sort of life
He's left all this so last minute that motherhood is much less likely
he wants me home permanently so that means giving up the degree/career I wanted too.
Why does he take so much and then become like this when he has to do anything in return?
I don't understand why he is being like this
I don't see why he needs to let it affect him like this

First off - I am sympathetic to your health problems - but right now your boyfriend is suicidal and you mostly seem to feel angry at him, that he's somehow 'doing' this to you.

There very well might be some things you could be justified in being upset at him for in the relationship (although I can't see how he's solely responsible for 'jeopardising your chance at any sort of life' or making 'motherhood much less likely') but now just isn't the time for it.

This isn't something either of you can just power through or 'just get on with' - and burying his depression and your resentment can't possibly lead to a good outcome. Please consider putting the brakes on until you're both in a better place - and talk to his friends/family etc. about getting him support - being blokey is not a good enough excuse right now.

ShaShaBear

Op.

I think you need to go home. How do you plan on coping through this surgery and doing a degree anyway? Apply for a deferral, or look for a similar course in Ireland and apply to transfer. I'm sure it can't be that difficult. When you get home, tell your partner you want him to come with you to a meeting with a solemniser to book your wedding. Book it. Get married. Have kids. Or book it, start trying for kids and you shoudln't be any more than 12 weeks along when the wedding comes around, and no-one will know any different. Buy a nice dress, they have some cracking ones in Oxfam and the like, if you know where to look.

Stop harrassing your boyfriend with the same question over and over and over again. If you believed him, you wouldn't need the answer dozens of times. Either you believe him or you don't. If you don't then you need to move on without him. If you do then you need to move on with him.

Harsh reality is that the only one running out of time here is you. So do something about it, and stop waiting for him to do it for you.

Lorna123

If the prospect of having children is causing all this anxiety on your part, suicidal talk on his, then maybe you should both forget about having children together and just concentrate on one another. You can use other methods for having children at a later stage.

I know you would be disappointed not to have children OP, but even though you might start trying it might still never happen. It doesn't happen for everyone. You could adopt if all else fails.

Which is more important to you, having children or having a good relationship. My advice would be to take things as you are both ready for them, don't rush anything, and if children don't happen then so bit it.

All this rushing to have children is spoiling the whole relationship. Children can be a blessing but don't forget that they also can bring a lot of trouble to a relationship. It is not all fun and games having children.

Really hope all of this works out for you.

homerjay2005

I don't get it wrote: »

Looking from the outside in, it seems almost as though you have put up every possible obstacle to a future with this guy: you are engaged for 3 years and haven't told anyone (how do you think that makes him feel); you won't move forward with any wedding plans because other people are getting engaged; you've had a fair idea that there would be fertility issues all along, but are insisting on a wedding first - which you've stalled on for three years; and you moved away to do a course (was there no chance of doing an equivalent course here?).

If I were your fiancÃ႒႒©, I'd be feeling very rejected - and confused, because you are laying the blame at his door for all of the roadblocks that you've put up.

spot on, the OP appears to only care about everybody apart from her boyfriend.

if your family are willing to disown you for having a baby outside of marraige due to medical constraints, then being blunt, they are not worth having in your life.

its time to make choices that are not made on keeping up with the jones or keeping others happy. OP sounds selfish as they come to be honest, she is adding up about 5 different permutations which all end up one simple solution - it doesnt work out like that.

given all the medical complications she has, there is no guarantee that pregnancy will be easy either. if this was me, what would i do? if having the baby was the first priority (and it appears that it is) id spend whatever money we had on getting the best medical advise possible to ensure a safe pregnancy and then, ensuring a healthy and steady upbringing of the child. the wedding can wait and the old fashioned relatives can do one.

ShaShaBear

homerjay2005 wrote: »

given all the medical complications she has, there is no guarantee that pregnancy will be easy either. if this was me, what would i do? if having the baby was the first priority (and it appears that it is) id spend whatever money we had on getting the best medical advise possible to ensure a safe pregnancy and then, ensuring a healthy and steady upbringing of the child. the wedding can wait and the old fashioned relatives can do one.

Can attest to this. I also suffer from endo, and have been told that conception will prove difficult, and unfortunately carrying to full term will not always be likely. It's time to decide what matters most OP.

katakana

First of all, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to this, I honestly didn't think that it would get so many responses, I'll try and respond to everyone in order.

seosamh1980 wrote: »

Should we have called off ours, moved venue, sulked and changed our plan for our life, just because of the decisions of others? . . .

All I can say is that if you yourself had celebrated with all of your friends on their engagements, and furthermore gone to many of those weddings and were still waiting for a proposal from the man you love, particularly if under similar medical strain, maybe you would feel upset, confused and emotional too. I'm not saying any of my feelings are correct, I've said this is very tough for us.
When we go to these occasions, people automatically launch into 'when will it be you', 'why isn't it', my partner gets upset, as do I. I want that to stop happening because I care about him and myself, so I'm going to work on focusing entirely on us and blocking out all this outside noise as suggested by so many.

seosamh1980 wrote: »

Money, help with a baby, marriage, etc can all be worried about once you actually are pregnant/have a child, for now you're putting off the one thing that has a deadline.

I do agree that having a more elaborate wedding can be worried about after. As for money and help with a baby. I do not want to bring a child into the world that won't have a decent life on my account, so I will be making sure that things are in order beforehand. Seeing my cousin struggle with no maternity leave, savings, job and her child in 4 different abodes before the age of two influences my thinking on this. A bowel resection and hysterectomy are no picnic so I'm afraid help myself and my partner would need following this and with the baby would have to be considered prior to getting pregnant.

katakana

Dellas1979 - your breakdown of everything really helped so thank you for that it did simplify thinking about things.

December2012 wrote: »

Why do you think it's oneupmanship? Why do you even care why they got engaged?

The reason why I am upset is that I poured my heart out to my friend about the medical aspect, told her our exact plans, when we were hoping to have an engagement party - the works. (as I am out of Ireland a lot there are only so many points in the year where it is possible for us to do this). Instead of us celebrating during that exact week it was them and that's fair enough. She nor I haven't mentioned the what I previously told her. And I will probably never trust her with any important information again. Her fiance is particularly. . . I don't know how to describe it, if someone gets something he has to get something better, bigger and overshadow them immediately. Why I'm upset is I trusted my friend and I shouldn't have.

My partner and I have talked and we are focusing on us and doing things according to what we need when we need it so that we are both happier.

katakana

Koptain Liverpool -
'really talk about if both your wishes, plans and hopes are compatible'
- this is all I have been doing with my partner when we've discussed the future since the surgery. I haven't demanded anything happening immediately. I've just asked him about what he wants.

I don't get it wrote: »

Looking from the outside in, it seems almost as though you have put up every possible obstacle to a future with this guy: you are engaged for 3 years and haven't told anyone (how do you think that makes him feel); you won't move forward with any wedding plans because other people are getting engaged; you've had a fair idea that there would be fertility issues all along, but are insisting on a wedding first - which you've stalled on for three years; and you moved away to do a course (was there no chance of doing an equivalent course here?).

If I were your fiancÃ႒႒©, I'd be feeling very rejected - and confused, because you are laying the blame at his door for all of the roadblocks that you've put up.

Are you sure that you even want a future with this guy?

Right can I say there has been not what you would call an official proposal, he has always wanted to get a ring. We separated the summer after as the long distance was too hard but got back together a few months later so that is a part in the delay. I committed to doing the course when we weren't together. It's a better course with better job prospects and I didn't know how serious the health issues were until 3 weeks before I left. I would love us to have been married and all by now. You're right I shouldn't have been bothered about others and just done our thing over the last few months. Before then there was no stalling as you say on my part. Its confusing when he says yes yes yes and acts no no no, if you get my drift, hence when it has got to this critical point I'm just asking for him to be straight with me.

I love him so much, he is my best friend. I can't bear to see him upset about anything and feeling so down on himself. Of course I want a future with him, both of us deserve to be happy which is why I've asked him about his feelings and I think he's interpretted this as everything needing to be done at once which is maybe why he's overwhelmed.

StillWaters

All of what I think has been said eloquently by other posters. I just want to pick up one small point where your partner got upset when he could not get credit to purchase an engagement ring.

Really, facing into a financially exhausting period as you guys possibly are, purchasing an engagement ring on credit is crazy! Pick one out from Argos or somewhere that he can buy with cash. Lots of us did that, and got 'the real one' years later when money wasn't so tight.

katakana

iwantmydinner
- I've posted here because my partner has been feeling down on and off lately, the most extreme case of this saying he felt suicidal after being rejected credit, which I think was kneejerk rather than serious.
- I want for us to both be happier and to be able to manage these issues in a more positive way
- I needed advice because I was scared for him and I wanted to be able to help him through this. I went into depth about the background with regard to myself and our relationship because it affects him and if I dealt with it better then it would help.
- we have talked about couples counselling, we've realised we need more support and to move past the past to have a positive future. Believe me the advice is being taken on board and it may take several more reads to think about it as there is a lot.

Your advice was really helpful so ty for that and I didn't think harsh at all, we're taking the approach that although things may not be the way we thought they would, we're not going to let it defeat us and are going to make the best of what we have which is actually quite a lot of good things going for us. We're focusing on getting us to a more positive place and what we really care about, which as I'm reading it from him is being happy and having a family when we're ready. We still want to make a commitment to each other, re ring: there's one in the family that if the band was changed would be grand, I've suggested it to him as it would take all pressure off financially and to see if that is the sole cause of his upset. What I'm more concerned about is that this could go a lot deeper and I'm worried about that, ie. that he may not be talking about all that he really feels. So more talking and prioritising to be done.

'It seems like you and your boyfriend are still very much wrapping yer heads around the new reality that your diagnosis has presented'
- absolutely nail on the head. I'm not even through recovery yet. We're definately getting support to help us, and I'm going to suggest maybe a break from stressing about what to do for a while.

Chara1001
- ty for your post, you are totally right that I have been sent into a panic about this, we both have. He is his toughest critic and he always wants to be able to give myself and anyone else he loves the world because he's incredibly kind. I came on here to ask for help as I'm not strong enough to give him all of the tools to deal with this as I'm embroiled in the situation myself. My no. 1 priority is him.

CaraMay
I would not dream of having a baby when my partner is so low, the soonest any baby would be happening is about two years and I would hope that by that point any negative feeling would be a very distant memory! Re. parking dreams as bf more important: I really do not want to be in the position of any more resentment growing between us due to missed out on dreams, so we're working on building our dreams together. Obviously at the moment he is the priority. Nobody's hopes should be eradicated on account of anyone else.

Calhoun
- this has totally brought many things to light for us and things are moving very fast indeed we would like to be more ready than what we are. We know that organising our perfect (but small) day could take a year or longer esp. with waiting lists etc.
- I know that this may sound very silly but this illness has hit me hard in the femininity stakes, part of me is so upset that I'm thinking well if I have to lose my womb in early 30s and might not be able to give my partner children at least we could have a nice wedding day. I know I need to move on from that, this thread has made me realise that, I'm just emotional about it.
- Thanks for your kindness, we are going to work on things, we're going to get there :-)

YumCha
- My point is I don't get what's complicated and why my bf is beating himself up so hard. He says he loves me, wants to get engaged, wants to get married. So borrow the money from my folks, use the ring already there, or wait a few months until you have the money. . . what's the big deal if a highstreet jeweller doesn't like you, they aren't me and I love you, so screw the jeweller, there's tonnes of options.
That's where my frustration is, the saying yes, but the acting no and over complicating things.
- re. making motherhood less likely. He knew the stakes 3 years ago and that I only had limited time which is now even more limited. My best shot was to try straight away; I waited for him and trusted in him.
- we are definately getting help and dealing with our issues.

ShaShaBear
- I've already asked for a transfer and think I may be coming home, I can't cope with being over there on my own, I can't even walk sometimes due to the pain and I miss my bf so much. Giving up the degree as it's cost me so much already and could do so much for us isn't really an option, but part time is available if I need to get preg sooner than current deadline (mri pending = headache). I know you're right about taking action, we're just scared. If I have to hear another doc go on about ovaries and everything being stuck together I might scream! Everybody with endo knows it hits the men who love us just as hard. I want to make sure he is taken care of too.
- re. miscarriage rate, conception all that jazz. I know the figures are scary, it's so daunting.
- for yourself I hope you're getting all the help you need and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this too. Here's hoping for painfree days lady, [hugs].

Lorna123
- we know it's not all fun and games. It's important to us to have kids and I think dealing with it happening earlier is a lesser evil than giving up and living with the disappointment - now that really will destroy us.

homerjay2005
I love my boyfriend very much, I'm not selfish; I'm an absolute mess mostly because of all of this. Your points re. pregnancy are very valid. As I have the most severe form miscarriage rate is about 40% so obviously we are quite scared about that too. We are very much in turmoil but are determined to work our way out of that.

seosamh1980

The soonest you'll have a baby is two years? Isn't that the end point when your doctor said kids should be had by? Why leave it until the window is about to close when you were told 5 years before that point? I don't get this tbh, you're going around in circles here.

katakana

StillWaters wrote: »

Really, facing into a financially exhausting period as you guys possibly are, purchasing an engagement ring on credit is crazy! Pick one out from Argos or somewhere that he can buy with cash. Lots of us did that, and got 'the real one' years later when money wasn't so tight.

Believe me I've suggested buying a cheaper one or using a family one and getting the 'real one' later myself!

katakana

seosamh1980 wrote: »

The soonest you'll have a baby is two years? Isn't that the end point when your doctor said kids should be had by? Why leave it until the window is about to close when you were told 5 years before that point? I don't get this tbh, you're going around in circles here.

To clarify:-
I have 2 years left of the degree, which is also the max time I can take hormone treatment to prevent the spread of the disease. I owe thousands in loan and it could make a real difference for us so we are loath for me to give up the degree. I'm due to have an MRI; if the damage is any worse than the doc thinks currently, I will need to get preg sooner than two years so will do degree part time to facilitate this. . . I'm not going around in circles. We are trying to build a secure life within which to raise a family if we possibly can. Though it is probably a case of sooner being better, which is something we're struggling with and working on.

katakana

Guys I'm calling it a day on this thread. Thank you all so much for all of your help, support and advice, a lot of it which we have already started to act upon; it's been really appreciated and helpful.

My sweetheart needs me right now, so I want to concentrate all of my energy on him and being with him. The brakes are going on whilst we try and be there for each other. We're getting extra support to deal with our issues and help prevent us from becoming so stressed out again, so we can move forward. I'm going to make sure he gets what he needs to feel better.

Neyite

I'll lock this for you so, OP. Let a mod know if you want it re-opened at any stage and the very best of luck to both of you.