Work Attraction - dangerous?

The Slice

I would love some opinions on the scenario that I am in at the moment and what is the best thing to do about this.

I have worked with a female collegue of mine for a number of years but only recently began to work closely, we are both early 30's and most importantly in long term relationships - we both get on really well as a work enviroment can allow by having a laugh, and generally enjoying each others company, over the last few weeks I have found myself more attracted to this person and have been very confused what to do, although I am aware there is a spark between us I wanted to make sure that she was also attracted, she gives all the signs like touching her neck repeatedly or paying with necklace when talking to me so I think she is, I feel really bad but cant seem to stop thinking about her of late, I love my girlfriend but at the same time would hate to think she is going out with me while I am thinking about another person. This women would have high morals so I am very confused as to why she would allow herself to be attacted to someone else than her boyfriend. I am pretty sure that she loves him as I do hear her talking about him, the funny thing is the only time she mentions him to me is in the context of " I was telling X what you were saying about".
I do feel like asking her what is going on between us, but that could cause a whole lot of issues regarding professionalism if she says nothing!!

Any opinions would be great!!

ted1

It's very natural for people to be attracted to others. There's a huge difference between attraction and compatability. Like Mila Kunis would be very attracted to me, but my lifestyle would drive her crazy;) and hence we are not together.

The question is are you willing to end the current relationship to attempt a date/ relationship with this other girl , likewise with her.

Your in a relationship and can not pursue another till your single.

Remember the far away hills are often greener.

The Slice

I wouldnt have thought I would have contemplated ending my current relationship however as my feeling are getting stronger for this person and the connection is growing it is becoming more of a possibility in my mind, although that is a far way off - probably would make things clearer if I knew exactly how the other person felt but dont want to leave myself open to unprofessionalism in the workplace - I think you meet people at certain times in your life and sometimes you connect regardless of if your in a relationship or not.

Big Bag of Chips

Just because you are in a relationship doesn't make you blind to the attractiveness of others. Of course you will still meet people you find attractive. And when you are in a situation like yours where you are close to this person on a daily basis, it can become confusing.

It boils down to whether you love your gf enough to realise that you need to concentrate more on your relationship with her, and accept that you are attracted to this other girl, so need to take a step back.

Or whether you want to leave your gf, and take a chance that this other girl likes you enough to leave her bf for you.

By the way, I don't think touching her neck, or playing with her necklace are strong enough signs that she wants to be with you. The fact she talks to you about her bf would also make me think that she is putting down her marker. I'm not saying she's not attracted to you. She probably is. But she seems to be choosing the option of accepting that but concentrating on relationship.

The Slice

Good post, its a very confusing situation and the fact that your in the persons company for the guts of the week makes it more difficult to just forget and concentrate on your own relationship, instead of thinking of someone else, which honestly I feel very guilty.

it would be a massive gamble and I am probably just getting my head turned and it could pass, there is an attraction and compatability (obviously a different scenario outside of work, could not get on at all), wonder have many people found themselves in a situation like this and how they worked it out - last thing I would do is cheat, need to get this resolved as soon as, as it is affecting my work and personal life at the moment.

MagicMarker

I hope you have something a little more concrete than her touching her neck and necklace, as you very well may be seeing something that's not there.

CaraMay

You seem to only want to leave your gf if this other girl is waiting for you. Does that not make you question the relationship anyhow?? In my mind, they should be two separate events - (1) breaking up with your gf because you live someone else and then (2) making a go of it with the new girl... No 1 should not be dependent on no2 and you are doing your gf a great disservice by staying when her while plotting to leave her, should the opportunity arise.

Lenmeister

MagicMarker wrote: »

I hope you have something a little more concrete than her touching her neck and necklace, as you very well may be seeing something that's not there.

Ya I was thinking something along the same lines. Don't confuse flirtatiousness with genuine and very friendly behaviour. This girl works with you all day so those things are natural to notice more than you would normally. Plus if she was that into you, she'd be doing a lot more I would imagine, getting touchy feely especially. But since you're in the workplace, it wouldn't be wise for her to do it with others around, so who's to say what she feels.

Based on the info you've given, I don't think you should be thinking she feels the same way. Like you say, if she doesn't feel that way things could get awkward and complicated. She knows you have a girlfriend, so what would she think of you suddenly asking if there's something between you two? You love your girlfriend and she loves her boyfriend, that's solid stuff right there. Do you want to leave your girlfriend on the off chance that this girl fancies you and might want to leave the boyfriend she loves for you? That's a serious gamble.

"obviously a different scenario outside of work, could not get on at all" - Surely that says so much right there. If you can't get on outside of work, what's the point? Work is work, but if you don't spark in normal environments, forget about it.

December2012

Mentioning her boyfriend usually means she's not interested in you, she is interested in him.

If a guy was flirting with me in work talking about my husband is one of the things I would do to show him he's barking up the wrong tree.

The Slice

The flirting ranges from staring into eyes for longer than normal for work enviroment, to making effort out of way to engage in conversation, no touchy feely behaviour as it is in work, I could be totally wrong though. Another collegue actually made a comment to me about us enjoying each others company which worried me that others may be talking

Excellent advice from all, really just needed to see this from someones persepective, alot to lose for both parties but still cant see whats going on stopping unless I step back from interaction when not needed and try and forget about it, easier said then done though.

CaraMay

I have a male friend in work, who is married and who I an super comfortable with but I don't fancy him. Because he is married I consider him off the market and it makes me even more comfortable with him. I would talk to him more than others and am just thinking now that maybe the way I act around him could be misinterpreted. I suspect she feels comfortable around you or even stressed around you. i fidget around my boss and certainly don't fancy him.There is nothing to indicate she fancies you.

You still haven't addressed the issue of your relationship.

missjm

I think you are very likely totally wrong. If she's mentioning her partner to you she is most likely reminding you that she is attached as you prolong your gaze into her eyes.
I often touch my neck and play with my jewelry, I hope half the company don't think I'm chasing them.
I think you want to sleep with her and want to believe she feels the same and no matter what anybody says here, you will try it regardless. I could be totally wrong. Just my hunch.

ladysarah

could you distance yourself from her at work? As you said yourself it is not fair on your oh. obviously be nice to the girl but less time spent together might help you see things clearer. good luck

The Slice

I can see why my inital post may seem like looking for a verification that this person is attracted to me so I can go ahead with trying to sleep with her.. but I can assure this is not the case - it is simply about a spark, connection that has been developing on a number of diffrent levels, although I would love to walk into work and for that to have disapeared it will not be the case, so need to be realistic and tackle this situation with respect for all involved.
Ive never had this occur before and I am very much in love with my partner, I know that the fact this situation has happened must mean I need to think if it is fair to be in my present relationship.

I am going to take a massive step back and only interact on a purely professional basis when needed, going to close the door on the personal talk etc and concentrate elsewhere, will see how that works this week and let all know how that goes.

ladysarah

well done. you seem very level headed!

jdsk2006

Yep, i gotta agree your taking the right strategy for the coming week.
That or you will brew a big pot of s*** for yourself op

beks101

The Slice wrote: »

I am very much in love with my partner

This is all you need to know.

You'll always be surrounded by attractive women, a few of whom you might "connect" with in a way that makes you think there could be something there.

I don't think I've had a single relationship where this hasn't occurred to me, I've met someone and I've thought, "God, under different circumstances..."

But that in itself is the point. There are no different circumstances, there's just you in a relationship with a woman you love, finding yourself attracted to someone else.

You either choose to remain committed to that relationship with the woman you love, or you choose to gamble it all on the chance that there might possibly maybe be, big question mark...something worth pursuing with someone you've known a relatively brief period of time, who is also in a committed relationship.

I know which one I'd choose.