how do I get out?

allie_upe

I am a 30 year old female with a2 year old son. I have been in a mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship for 5 years... It has come to that final point where I know for the sake of my cold and self esteem, that I need to leave. But I don't know where to start..
I am left alone, so that he can do whatever he wants nearly everyday of the week... Alcohol is also a factor...4- 6 pack of tall cans a night..
If I do something nice for him, there is never a thank you and always a complaint and a response of how it could have been better... Not to toot my own horn, but I am attractive, i'm smart, and used to be a confident woman...how can I get that Back? How do I leave without feeling like i'm ruining my son's life.

moy83

allie_upe wrote: »

I am a 30 year old female with a2 year old son. I have been in a mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship for 5 years... It has come to that final point where I know for the sake of my cold and self esteem, that I need to leave. But I don't know where to start..
I am left alone, so that he can do whatever he wants nearly everyday of the week... Alcohol is also a factor...4- 6 pack of tall cans a night..
If I do something nice for him, there is never a thank you and always a complaint and a response of how it could have been better... Not to toot my own horn, but I am attractive, i'm smart, and used to be a confident woman...how can I get that Back? How do I leave without feeling like i'm ruining my son's life.

You certainly won't be ruining your sons life by leaving an abusive relationshop .

ectoraige

People learn how to act in relationships mostly through their own upbringing. You are more likely to ruin your sons life by keeping your son in this environment. Little boys should be brimming with love, not learning how to abuse. Your leaving is as much for him as for yourself.

Ask yourself one question: Imagine you were a single mother happily bringing up your son, and you were given the chance to instead be mentally and physically abused by this 'man'; which would you choose? Don't resist change when it's the right thing to do.

CommanderC

allie_upe wrote: »

I am a 30 year old female with a2 year old son. I have been in a mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship for 5 years... It has come to that final point where I know for the sake of my cold and self esteem, that I need to leave. But I don't know where to start..
I am left alone, so that he can do whatever he wants nearly everyday of the week... Alcohol is also a factor...4- 6 pack of tall cans a night..
If I do something nice for him, there is never a thank you and always a complaint and a response of how it could have been better... Not to toot my own horn, but I am attractive, i'm smart, and used to be a confident woman...how can I get that Back? How do I leave without feeling like i'm ruining my son's life.

You are ruining your son's life by staying in the relationship.

LegacyUser

I left an abusive relationship when my daughter was 3. I really wish I would have left earlier. 4 years later, I'm in love and I'm married a great man who loves me and my daughter unconditionally. He is the best dad my daughter will ever know. We have 1 year old boy. Life can't be happier. You are smart, you need to make a smart move. Its just getting worse if you stay any longer. You and your son deserve better.

OP, It's brilliant that you've made the decision you need to leave.
Please contact one of the resources on this post http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=70677159&postcount=3 such as womens aid, they will have experience in this and will know exactly how to advise and help.

anmhi02

Nomorepain wrote: »

I left an abusive relationship when my daughter was 3. I really wish I would have left earlier. 4 years later, I'm in love and I'm married a great man who loves me and my daughter unconditionally. He is the best dad my daughter will ever know. We have 1 year old boy. Life can't be happier. You are smart, you need to make a smart move. Its just getting worse if you stay any longer. You and your son deserve better.

I have to agree with this....I also was in the exact same position and regret r every day that I didn't leave sooner. Please please please get out of that place andbuild a happier healthier life for you and you're child. You both deserve better....much better !! No good can come from the situation you're in now and most likely it will get worse. It will be hard leaving at first ...makes no bones about that, but it will be so so so much better in the long run.
Good luck with it and I really wish you and your little dote all the love luck and happiness you can find.....you sound like you deserve it xx

eviltwin

You can't begin to get back your confidence until you are out of that situation. It takes time, your confidence didn't go overnight so it will take time to repair but its not impossible.

Please contact Womens Aid and talk to someone who can help you move forward. There are support groups and dedicated counselling services around the country too you might benefit from.

The fact that you have decided to get out and can see your relationship for what it is, thats great. So many women never reach that point. You have and that alone is a huge victory. Its not easy starting over especially with a child, your partner will have access and you will have to still have him in your life but Womens Aid can give you advice on how to do this without putting yourself at further risk.

Well done on posting and I wish you and your little boy all the best in the future xx

lmos

I am two years down the line, having left an abusive relationship. My children are quite young, I didnt want to teach them that life is like this. I left...never thought I woulc/could but I did. I look after them 99% of the time. They recently got their school reports and have done astounding well in all areas. I am so proud, I know its all my hard work, and I made the right decision in leaving that horrible destructive environment. They are happy, well adjusted children, even though I find it very tough at times, being alone, I know even better is to come. It takes courage but life can only get better once you free yourself. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OP, I'm sorry to hear you are stuck in this situation.

Just supporting what other poster said, please get in contact with the helplines for domestic abuse.

I was hit by an ex and contacted them and they were absolutely lovely and understanding.

At the time I didn't tell anyone what happened cos I was so ashamed (!) and I was also afraid if I went back with the ex all our friends would know. But these ladies at the helpline were so incredibly understanding and supportive, it took me a few phone calls, I cried like a child on the phone and they gave me so much insight and tips to make me stronger.

Best of luck, you have a life full of happiness ahead of you, do not be afraid to embrace it.

ifElseThen

If he's abusive to you and consuming that much booze each night, then what exactly would your son be missing out on. I'm guessing he is not a super dad. In an ideal world, every child would have a good father figure, but he is not that.
Move away from him and remember that once your son has you, he has a best friend and all the love that he needs.
No child should ever have to see physical violence in the home.
Talk to your family too if possible and see if they can help you move out temporarily until you get yourself sorted...

Check out http://www.cosc.ie to find local services