Someone I know at Aware meeting

LegacyUser

I have had experiences of depression for most of my adult life and I started going to Aware meetings about three years ago and I found they helped a lot. Sometimes I felt like a bit of a moaner there but I tried not to go overboard. Just having a group of people to talk to was a great help to me.
However now something really awkward has happened as somebody I know from a social group I am joined in has started coming to the meetings. He is not somebody known to my family or friends or locality and I have nothing personally against him (he is actually a really sound guy) but I don't feel comfortable talking about my comdition while he is there.
He is fully entitled to come to the meetings and I fully respect that.
I got a bit of a shock when I first saw him come in to the meeting but I continued to come. However I didn't talk about myself when I was there. I think the facilitators noticed this and don't know why (they don't know that that I know him).
I have decided not to come to the meetings anymore because I don't think he is going to stop coming.
At tonight's meeting I did something fairly stupid; I parked outside and waited to see if his car would come. When I though the coast was clear I drove in to the car park but just as I got out of the car to go in to the meeting I saw a car coming. I thought it might be him so I got back in the car. He didn't get out so I waited a while and eventually drove off.
I had a quick glance at his car and it was him. I think he saw me so it makes a bad situation even worse. Stupid thing to do on my part I know.
I know someone is going to say it isn't a problem for him so why should it be a problem for me?Well I know but it's just the way I am. I also know Aware meetings are confidential and it's not that I am worried he will talk to someone about me.
The meetings are a huge loss to me as I live by myself and I've recently moved to a new job in which I work on my own. I have little or no human contact during the week so I am really depressed this has been taken away from me. I used to look forward to the meeting every week. I could go to a different group but I have got used to this one.
Also I don't think I can go to that social group anymore. It's a right mess.

thefeatheredcat

You have established trust and being able to be open, relate and share your experiences and feelings with a group you are familiar with and have been involved with for a long time. That hasn't changed except with a person coming along that has rattled you that you feel uncomfortable talking.

Maybe he isn't sure about you or opening up either, because he knows you? He could be equally apprehensive in talking, if he hasn't already participated.

I don't think you should give up going. I think it's a matter of making yourself feel more comfortable and getting more comfortable and relaxed with this guy's presence and redefine the connection you have in knowing him from that social group to this Aware meeting. Maybe all you need is time to get comfortable?

I think you should let the facilitators know that you know him from something else. They probably will have picked up that you're quieter and less relaxed and less comfortable and you need their help to bridge the gap in how you felt before and how you feel now and getting comfortable with this guy being present. Let them in the loop that you know him, while they can't exactly turn either you away, it could effect others in the group who also might pick up on it or make others feel less confident in talking. If the facilitators know, at least they might not make you feel more awkward or uncomfortable and there will be less pressure on you to feel like you ought to be talking. I think you need to have the time to adjust and feel comfortable with this guy and you'll be able to talk again like you did before. While neither of you are obligated to talk, both of you could be feeling the same thing, he could be sitting there wanting to talk but unnerved by your presence and lacking the confidence because he knows you but it doesn't sound like either one of you have acknowledged eachother in Aware?

The last thing you should do is leave; you won't be helping yourself in any way and backtracking your own progress.

There was a social group I was trying out as something to do for myself, went there on my own not knowing anyone, really enjoyed myself met some nice people. Went back the following week. An ex I was involved with some years before who I had had dealings with quite recently before going to that social group for the first time (and was still really angry at over various issues) turned up, and turned out he was a regular there. It was typical, anything I liked and got into he turned up and ruined for me and I just felt uncomfortable because I wanted nothing to do with him and either felt like I had to create this awkwardness in being polite but ignoring him, having to tolerate him or leave. It was too much for me, I couldn't enjoy myself and felt tense and had put my guard right back up and withdrew. While I felt care free and confident and happy the first week, seeing him there just made me feel anything but. I left and I regret it. I should have stuck it out and said to hell with him. I would have benefited in the end.

I didn't have anything to lose though, I had only just started going, had met nice people alright but hadn't established anything with anyone, hadn't given and gained trust with others but even still I should have given myself more of a chance in going. It kind of made it too easy just to chuck it in. Had I been there for some years, it would have been harder but I still would have felt the same and definitely would have regretted leaving whatever I would have established there for the sake of someone making me uncomfortable.

So what benefits you the most? Talking to your facilitators, letting them know that you know this guy from something else and aren't really comfortable talking and finding a way to adjust, or leaving and finding you have to start from scratch and lose out? I think the former, you stand to benefit the most.

Queen-Mise

Go back to the meetings.

It is the nature of meetings of that nature that you may/and more than likely probably will come across people you know or are in some way connected with. Ireland is just too small for true anonymity.

And there is probably a lot more connections to other people in the room, that you have, but you are not aware of.

You are further down the road and are denying yourself and others of your experience and may be able to help others.

username123

I can totally understand why you feel awkward about this.

I think that you should speak to the facilitators about it. No doubt they have experience with this situation.

Being blunt about it it boils down to 2 options:
1 - Accept the situation and continue to go to the meetings.
2 - Find another meeting.

Think hard about why you feel so uncomfortable. You didnt mind talking about your condition in front of people you knew from the Aware meetings. There is no reason for you to feel you cannot speak in the presence of someone you know from a different sphere of life. Easy for me to say eh? I used to go to Alanon meetings and a person I knew from a different area of life came to a meeting I was at. The thing is, the other person is going through similar worries upon seeing you. And they want their privacy respected just as much as you. They feel just as vulnerable about the things that they want to say as you do. In short - they need the anonymity just as much as you do to be able to open up properly.

My advice to you would be to continue to go to the meetings - and see how you feel after a few more weeks. If you can, acknowledge the person. Dont worry about the car park antics - anything could have been going on.

In the case of the person I knew at Alanon - they came to me and just expressed that they were surprised to see someone they knew. I was just open with them and said that they need never worry about speaking with me there, that they were as anonymous as anyone else once we were in that room. I actually deliberately spoke among the group myself the first time they were present as I wanted to break the ice for me as much as them - kind of extending the "Ill go first then it wont be as bad for you". I also knew that the first time at such a meeting is the hardest time, so for me, although it was hard to see someone I knew, I was on familiar ground. They were overcome by the stress of it being the start of their journey. In some ways their presence actually helped me move to a stage where I could talk more openly outside of those meeting as well as inside.

At the end of it all, we all go to whatever meeting we go to for a reason. No one is judging anyone else. And Ill bet if this guy read this thread he would feel awful that he had upset your mojo this way.

Anyway, given all the above, if you really cant hack it, go elsewhere. But I think it would be of more value for you to try to come to terms with the current situation first.

trio

Tell the facilitator. At least then they'll understand whats going on. They pick up on vibes big time.

If you say that you don't feel comfortable talking for a while they will support you, and not call on you for a while. So stay and listen, and over time decide what to do.

But keep this in mind. Yer man may feel the EXACT SAME. He knows you too! He may be sitting there bricking it cos you're there. He is also suffering from depression and worse, he is the New Boy in the group. Daunting.

LegacyUser

op i had the same at one someone i knew well was at the meetings. we both felt awkward i texted her and asked her if she wanted me to stop going but she was ok. we both told the facilators and they split us into smaller groups and emphazied the confidentiallity of the meetings. also it will be unfair to him if he realises you arent going because of him

LegacyUser

A lot of replies have suggested I tell the faciltators (s). I don't know about that, I don't want to make them feel awkward about something that they didn't cause (even though that's their job as a faciltator I know).
I don't think the other guy feels as awkward as he has spoken openly at the meetings while I've been there.
I suppose I could wait out and maybe he will stop coming and then I could go back but if I come back straight after he stops coming then it will look a bit suspicious.

Dave!

Why don't you speak to the guy? As you said - he's a really sound guy, so I'm sure he'll understand, and you might feel more at ease with him being there then. Has he spoken at the group at all yet? He probably feels awkward too.

I know how you feel OP - I haven't been in your kind of groups, but I've taken classes/courses where you share creative, & possibly personal, work that you've done, and the fact that I didn't know anyone there made it a lot easier to share. If there was someone there that I knew, even a really close friend, then I wouldn't have been able to immerse myself in it as much, and wouldn't have felt comfortable sharing anything.