Meeting people (gaydar v "in the flesh")

LegacyUser

I'm 30, currently in a LTR for the last few years. Met him through gaydar. Things have kinda fizzled out.
Prior to that my longest relationship was 2 years. Long distance. Met in a pub - random chance sighting/attraction. Very "heteronormative".
Besides them, there have been a few guys from online but nothing special or long term.

I'm wondering about the whole gaydar versus meeting in person thing. First time introduction I mean. There is so much that is not communicated through text/picture/Internet, the shortfall is made up with extra images and text but does it bridge the gap?

That first time I met my ex. The excitement of the eye contact through the bar. The thrill of talking to him and him actually responding! Those few hours seemed like seconds. Total, instant infatuation. It's easy to understand why people believe in things like love at first sight, soul mates, etc having experienced that.
Meeting guys on gaydar.... it's never been the same. For me anyway. You "evaluate" them before messaging. You chat to them but the chemistry/pheromones are all your own as he's not there in person.
Which depresses the sh!t out of me. Gaydar and sites like it are so ingrained in the LGBT society that it is the norm. I've been on the scene in cork. Looking at pretty much the same faces for 5 years who know people by their gaydar profiles more than by real name or personality.

Am I completely nuts and on my own for thinking that sites like gaydar aren't conducive to starting a LTR? Does anyone else agree with me? Do people actually get chatted up by strangers in Dublin etc or is everyone on their phone ticking attendance off gaydar?

Annasopra

No

I dont think you are mad - a lot of people go on gaydar to look for sex. There are some people there looking for relationships as well but they are a minority.

Norderburse

Gaydar, Grindr, Manhunt etc. etc. It does get depressing sometimes. Wish I had a solution to give you, but can only nod my head in agreement ;-)

esposito

Unfortunately a lot of people use these sites/apps because they are:

a. afraid to venture into a gay bar/club
b. find it hard to tell if someone is gay or not in public ("straight-acting" guys)
c. as a result of b, many are discouraged from chatting up the person
d. are in the closet, and the only way of meeting other like-minded people is online

Sad but true.

In some ways, I think it's easier for more effiminate/camp guys to find a partner because they are more obvious to spot in public, "gaydar" is better etc. I think it's tougher for "straight-acting" guys like me

GoOnYouDirt

Thankfully! I thought Gaydar had taken over the world! I'm not on Gaydar Girls or any other site, never have been. But a lot of my male gay friends are OBSESSED with Grindr. I think the idea of it is very silly. I mean my friends have shown me they're different messages and stuff 99% being "hey man, i'm horny wanna meet?" I mean WOW!

NewCityBoy

Yeah I agree, I'm on gaydar myself and when I had an iPhone I was on gaydar and yeah the majority of people are just looking for the ride, myself included, but I am also looking for a relationship. I suppose those sites are handy if you just want to hook up like but they're not so great if you want to meet someone for a proper relationship.

I met my ex on grindr and he cheated on me after like 3 months, so tbh I don't think sites like that are great for starting LTR but for people like me that don't have any gay friends and don't get to go out on the scene, then there really is no other way

ewan whose army

Relationship - Ok!Cupid, eHarmony, Match

Hookup/NSA - Gaydar, Grindr etc.

floggg

NewCityBoy wrote: »

Yeah I agree, I'm on gaydar myself and when I had an iPhone I was on gaydar and yeah the majority of people are just looking for the ride, myself included, but I am also looking for a relationship. I suppose those sites are handy if you just want to hook up like but they're not so great if you want to meet someone for a proper relationship.

I met my ex on grindr and he cheated on me after like 3 months, so tbh I don't think sites like that are great for starting LTR but for people like me that don't have any gay friends and don't get to go out on the scene, then there really is no other way

Yes, because if one person you met on grindr cheated on you, they all will!

floggg

NoHopeLeft wrote: »

I'm 30, currently in a LTR for the last few years. Met him through gaydar. Things have kinda fizzled out.
Prior to that my longest relationship was 2 years. Long distance. Met in a pub - random chance sighting/attraction. Very "heteronormative".
Besides them, there have been a few guys from online but nothing special or long term.

I'm wondering about the whole gaydar versus meeting in person thing. First time introduction I mean. There is so much that is not communicated through text/picture/Internet, the shortfall is made up with extra images and text but does it bridge the gap?

That first time I met my ex. The excitement of the eye contact through the bar. The thrill of talking to him and him actually responding! Those few hours seemed like seconds. Total, instant infatuation. It's easy to understand why people believe in things like love at first sight, soul mates, etc having experienced that.
Meeting guys on gaydar.... it's never been the same. For me anyway. You "evaluate" them before messaging. You chat to them but the chemistry/pheromones are all your own as he's not there in person.
Which depresses the sh!t out of me. Gaydar and sites like it are so ingrained in the LGBT society that it is the norm. I've been on the scene in cork. Looking at pretty much the same faces for 5 years who know people by their gaydar profiles more than by real name or personality.

Am I completely nuts and on my own for thinking that sites like gaydar aren't conducive to starting a LTR? Does anyone else agree with me? Do people actually get chatted up by strangers in Dublin etc or is everyone on their phone ticking attendance off gaydar?

I'm really confused here.

Are you in the relationship or not?

You said you met your bf/ex on gaydar, and are/was in an LTR with him, yet don't think gaydar is conducive to an LTR?

Do you think it's gaydar 's fault you're LTR fizzled? And was it the pubs fault that your previous LTR didn't work?

Or could it be down to the people involved and that after 3-4 dates where you met generally isn't all that important any more?

LegacyUser

floggg wrote: »

I'm really confused here.

Are you in the relationship or not?

I'm in "the" relationship.

floggg wrote: »

You said you met your bf/ex on gaydar, and are/was in an LTR with him, yet don't think gaydar is conducive to an LTR?

BF, are and yup. Comparing my past experiences I don't think meeting through gaydar, or similar, gets a relationship off to the right start. I'm not blaming gaydar or saying that all meets from gaydar are doomed.

floggg wrote: »

Do you think it's gaydar 's fault you're LTR fizzled? And was it the pubs fault that your previous LTR didn't work?

nope. And nope. I don't blame anything outside a relationship for that relationships success or failure.

floggg wrote: »

Or could it be down to the people involved and that after 3-4 dates where you met generally isn't all that important any more?

what isn't all that important?

I was just making an observation from a very dark mood/frame of mind. I think meeting someone after getting in contact with them through the internet is harder work to get something long term out of it. I'm not exactly sure why but I assume its something to do with knowing bits from a profile and filling in the gaps with your desire/preference as well as the lack of "chemistry".
But for all that I've rarely seen people on the scene chatting each other up. I've seen people eyeing each other and stuff but rarely chatting up. I guess what I was hoping for was to be contradicted by others and their experiences.

NewCityBoy

I didn't say that and no need for the sarcasm

floggg

NewCityBoy wrote: »

I didn't say that and no need for the sarcasm

It wasnt sarcasm. I'm honestly confused as hell by your post and about the point you are trying to make.

Annasopra

floggg wrote: »

It wasnt sarcasm. I'm honestly confused as hell by your post and about the point you are trying to make.

I think perhaps you are confused by the OP and not Newcityboy?