what more can I do?

hollster2

Hi all just thought id post to see what people think. So my kids dad had been depressed since last year and ive been his rock hes been like this for years because I thought they were just moods ive stuck by him.

So about three months ago I found out he was addicted to the xanax he got off the doctor and he was getting it off the street. He was getting valium to. It all started when he got back in touch with an old "friend" and it all went down hill from there. This guy was getting him the drugs when I found out I was devastated but I marched him straight to the doctor the next day.

He got a course to detox off them and he was back to his normal self. Until a few weeks later I noticed him losing weight again and the moods were back. He told me he started taking them again I was shocked.

Our situation is difficult weve 3 young kids and I didnt want this affecting them in anyway. They thought daddy was sick and tired all the time. So we eventually
decided to move away from the people he started taking them within the first place.


So over a month ago we moved we beautiful new house and I was supporting him getting off them. It wasnt easy as I had the medicine and hed be at me for extra ones. He was now on the highest xanax the purple ones.

He started changing again our finances werent good so this was getting us down and for weeks I tried to get him to rehab. I constantly got were full one place wanted over 6k.

one morning he was really aggitated so after school drop off I came home and he had smashed a cup off his head. I had to ring the doctor and he was sent somewhere I wont mention names but in one word its a kip. The same week I had to ring an ambulance he wanted to kill himself so he was brought somewhere else and I was getting afraid for mine and my kids safety.

So I rang this place and pleaded with them to find him somewhere and not to let him home. He was a danger to himself so they said theyd ring me back and I got the news I was dreading they sent him home in a taxi because he wasnt in there phsychiatric area which is digraceful and that he wasnt suicidal or a harm to anyone and gave him more tablets.

All through this hed been drinking which made it ten times worse. So he arrived home I was im my parents house down the road. Now they have been brilliant helping him through it more than his own waisters of parents. So he came to there house drunk and drugged up and started an argument which led to me dragging my dad in the door. he then went going and came back screwdrivers knives you and smashed up both there cars and every window in there house

All this happening while were all locked upstairs with kids terrified waiting for the garda which took 45 minutes.

Thet finally arrive but were great through everything. im devastated but hes never got in trouble in his life hes a great dad but got in with the wrong crowd hes now off everything and only remembering what happened he seems a changed man and is councelling and getting ready to go into rehab.
Hes seen the kids and said sorry welmany times can he say it hes now in his parents they were all around him a few weeks ago and now seem to think hes better ive been texting and talking to him and hes missing the kids terrible im trying to support him its hard though after what hes done and he keeps throwing it back in my face that im playing happy familys with my mum and dad the moods are too much im physically and mentally drained hes said now tonight he wont ring again and im so fed up doing my best to support him and its being thrown back in my face im worn out and dont know what to do?

( sorry its so long needed to get it off my chest)

Forgot to say at this stage he was on a depression tablets xanax 3 times a day librium 3 times a day and a sleeping tablet toxic mix

BerryBlue

All I can say is I'm really sorry what you are going through - it sounds like hell and you don't know what to do next. He sounds like a very sick man who needs lots of help, and it sounds like you need help too - you sound to me like you're very strong and have been doing the best you can and everything you can think of to get him help and to try to get him well. This is only my opinion - but I think you have to let what he says wash over you, when you feel like he's throwing it all back in your face & not appreciating the extent of everything you do for him - he's not 'himself', he sounds like he has many addictions and thats masking his true person - if he was well he wouldn't treat you like that. I'm sorry I've no great words of wisdom for you, I wish I had. I've been through similar nightmares and its put out there so much that help is available - just ask - but when you really need it, you can't find where it is. Just keep on trying to do your best for him.

The only piece of advice that i have is that you really need to start looking after yourself. Its a massive toll to care for someone who is ill/addicted, there is a really great group called al-anon - its for family/friends/children of alcoholics/addicts - anyone really who life is affected by it. I can't recommend it highly enough - it centers on you, and what your going through and its a massive relief to share that with people who can really relate to how difficult it is. Thats one option - I'm sure there are many more, but you do need to find something that can give YOU support.

hollster2

BerryBlue wrote: »

All I can say is I'm really sorry what you are going through - it sounds like hell and you don't know what to do next. He sounds like a very sick man who needs lots of help, and it sounds like you need help too - you sound to me like you're very strong and have been doing the best you can and everything you can think of to get him help and to try to get him well. This is only my opinion - but I think you have to let what he says wash over you, when you feel like he's throwing it all back in your face & not appreciating the extent of everything you do for him - he's not 'himself', he sounds like he has many addictions and thats masking his true person - if he was well he wouldn't treat you like that. I'm sorry I've no great words of wisdom for you, I wish I had. I've been through similar nightmares and its put out there so much that help is available - just ask - but when you really need it, you can't find where it is. Just keep on trying to do your best for him.

The only piece of advice that i have is that you really need to start looking after yourself. Its a massive toll to care for someone who is ill/addicted, there is a really great group called al-anon - its for family/friends/children of alcoholics/addicts - anyone really who life is affected by it. I can't recommend it highly enough - it centers on you, and what your going through and its a massive relief to share that with people who can really relate to how difficult it is. Thats one option - I'm sure there are many more, but you do need to find something that can give YOU support.

Thank you for you wonderful post I know I need to focus on myself and the kids ill look into alnon my son only 4 and hes afraid to be alone ill look into it straight away thank you! X

ibarelycare

OP I'm really sorry, I'm finding your post incredibly difficult to read because there is no punctuation

hollster2

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP I'm really sorry, I'm finding your post incredibly difficult to read because there is no punctuation

Well im sorry about that im not looking for someone to correct mu grammer im not really in a happy frame of mind amd cant concentrate properly but " thank you" for your insults cause I dont have that already in my life.

ibarelycare

hollster2 wrote: »

Well im sorry about that im not looking for someone to correct mu grammer im not really in a happy frame of mind amd cant concentrate properly but " thank you" for your insults cause I dont have that already in my life.

I wasn't insulting you. I just thought you might have more help if you used some full stops. I honestly couldn't follow what you were trying to say and it's possibly the same for others.

Queen-Mise

Sounds like you might be living with an addict (some problem anyway - I'll presume addict type behaviour). And that is utterly destroying for the loved one around them. [I did skim some the post, as found it hard to read].

First of, get YOU some support. You can't help the kids and your partner if you are also on the way to a nervous breakdown...
Naranon - is for the family and friends of addicts. Not really sure how many meetings are in this country. If you can't find one of them then definitely go to your local Alanon (family and friends of alcoholics) meeting.
There is no difference in how the family are affected in either situation.

Talk to the treatment centres yourself and get some advice. For example you have the Rutland in Dublin, Cuan Mhuire, Francis's Farm - I am mentioning these ones in particular as I know they have recovery programs for people from alcohol up to heroin (and are in Leinster area). So the staff there will be able to give you some good advice and suggestions on what you can do.

Also speak to your/his doctor and psychiatrist.


And lastly - you can't force him to get 'better' and to get help. We can support and suggest but we can't nag them into it or do the work for them.
So essentially we are helpless until the person decides they want to get help themselves. Or accept offers of help.

This is a really tough position to be in mentally. But as much as possible, separate yourself from the 'problem' behaviour. Don't get dragged in to the dramas, fights, etc.
There is a line from Alanon - 'Detach with Love' - you love the person but not necessarily their behaviours, actions etc.
For your own sanity get some help for yourself.

hollster2

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Sounds like you might be living with an addict (some problem anyway - I'll presume addict type behaviour). And that is utterly destroying for the loved one around them. [I did skim some the post, as found it hard to read].

First of, get YOU some support. You can't help the kids and your partner if you are also on the way to a nervous breakdown...
Naranon - is for the family and friends of addicts. Not really sure how many meetings are in this country. If you can't find one of them then definitely go to your local Alanon (family and friends of alcoholics) meeting.
There is no difference in how the family are affected in either situation.

Talk to the treatment centres yourself and get some advice. For example you have the Rutland in Dublin, Cuan Mhuire, Francis's Farm - I am mentioning these ones in particular as I know they have recovery programs for people from alcohol up to heroin (and are in Leinster area). So the staff there will be able to give you some good advice and suggestions on what you can do.

Also speak to your/his doctor and psychiatrist.


And lastly - you can't force him to get 'better' and to get help. We can support and suggest but we can't nag them into it or do the work for them.
So essentially we are helpless until the person decides they want to get help themselves. Or accept offers of help.

This is a really tough position to be in mentally. But as much as possible, separate yourself from the 'problem' behaviour. Don't get dragged in to the dramas, fights, etc.
There is a line from Alanon - 'Detach with Love' - you love the person but not necessarily their behaviours, actions etc.
For your own sanity get some help for yourself.

Thank you he has a second assesment cuan mhuire on thursday and hes also looking into one thats In dundalk. He seems ready for this now hes off everything for over 3 weeks so alls going well.

hollster2

ibarelycare wrote: »

I wasn't insulting you. I just thought you might have more help if you used some full stops. I honestly couldn't follow what you were trying to say and it's possibly the same for others.

Im sorry I shouldnt have jumped to conclusions. I was in a state writing it so I didnt think.

I fixed it the best I could its hard to on my phone.

dar100

hollster2 wrote: »

Thank you he has a second assesment cuan mhuire on thursday and hes also looking into one thats In dundalk. He seems ready for this now hes off everything for over 3 weeks so alls going well.

Both these addiction treatment centers are really bad, maybe try somewhere else, although they are both better than going nowhere.

hollster2

dar100 wrote: »

Both these addiction treatment centers are really bad, maybe try somewhere else, although they are both better than going nowhere.

Thanks but These are his last resort really everywhere else has been to full waiting lists 16 months which are not ab option.

dar100

hollster2 wrote: »

Thanks but These are his last resort really everywhere else has been to full waiting lists 16 months which are not ab option.

Yes needs must, well good luck to you both

dar100

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP I'm really sorry, I'm finding your post incredibly difficult to read because there is no punctuation

ibarelycare:pac:

hollster2

dar100 wrote: »

Yes needs must, well good luck to you both

Thanks very much appretiate everyones comments.

Queen-Mise

dar100 wrote: »

Both these addiction treatment centers are really bad, maybe try somewhere else, although they are both better than going nowhere.

Now that is sh*te. I know a heck of a lot of people who wouldn't be alive only for Cuan Mhuire in particular. I don't know anything about the place in Dundalk.

Treatment centres all have different philosophies and use very different methods. Not liking the philosophy or the methods of a treatment centre does not make it bad.

What makes it bad - is people not getting sober or clean in them. I know lots of people who have gotten sober and/or clean in Cuan Mhuire. Again they can't force a person to stay clean and sober once you leave their doors.
Essentially it is the choice of the person whether they want recovery or not.

dar100

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Now that is sh*te. I know a heck of a lot of people who wouldn't be alive only for Cuan Mhuire in particular. I don't know anything about the place in Dundalk.

If you don't know Dundalk you can't really go calling my statement sh*te, can you?

The people are alive because they put in to their therapeutic work.

Treatment centres all have different philosophies and use very different methods. Not liking the philosophy or the methods of a treatment centre does not make it bad.

You are making an assumption that I don't agree with the philosophical underpinning of this particular model. I am aware of the modalities for addiction treatment in Ireland, I am also aware of a lot of the people who work/run them and their less than ethical reasons for doing so

What makes it bad - is people not getting sober or clean in them. I know lots of people who have gotten sober and/or clean in Cuan Mhuire. Again they can't force a person to stay clean and sober once you leave their doors.
Essentially it is the choice of the person whether they want recovery or not.

And that is why it is the person not the center

The people who run them make them bad, there is a reason why some of these places are not funded by the HSE and Local Drugs Task Force. Extremely unprofessional, with individuals who have been through the programme or similar 12 steps methods working there because they think been in recovery means they know what they are doing, they dont.

If you look at my initial posting you will see that I have suggested going into one of these places is better than staying out in the grips of addiction.

But again, a lot of these well meaning individuals often do more harm than good. Lack of self-awareness, poor training and confrontation is the norm in many of these places

Queen-Mise

dar100 wrote: »

The people who run them make them bad, there is a reason why some of these places are not funded by the HSE and Local Drugs Task Force. Extremely unprofessional, with individuals who have been through the programme or similar 12 steps methods working there because they think been in recovery means they know what they are doing, they dont.

HSE and Local Drugs Task Force for finance - are you joking? Alcoholics and addicts would be dying on the streets if they were waiting for funding of the HSE or Local Drugs Task Force.
There is a reason why Cuan Mhuire, Merchant's Quay and even Hazelden are all charities.

And the argument on the unprofessional nature of individuals is also ludicrous. There is a rigorous training program for anyone training to become a counsellor or to work in any of these places. Albeit the training for a lot of them is on the job, but they have external accreditation.
There is probably a higher percentage of recovering people than others working in the area but then that is the nature of this area - for example, grief counsellors, suicide support volunteers, cancer counselling volunteers - a lot of people become involved in these organisations because of personal experience.

dar100

Queen-Mise wrote: »

HSE and Local Drugs Task Force for finance - are you joking?

No I'm far from joking, any established treatment facility draws funding down from state bodies. When they do this they are held accountable to work from a framework and quality standards.


Alcoholics and addicts would be dying on the streets if they were waiting for funding of the HSE or Local Drugs Task Force.
There is a reason why Cuan Mhuire, Merchant's Quay and even Hazelden are all charities.

And the argument on the unprofessional nature of individuals is also ludicrous. There is a rigorous training program for anyone training to become a counsellor or to work in any of these places. Albeit the training for a lot of them is on the job, but they have external accreditation.

That statement is actually laughable, do you consider level 5 to diploma to be rigorous?? Some may have degrees, but the majority don't. Even those who have degrees are qualified in addiction, which has very little in the way of therapeutic interventions. A very large percentage of those with diplomas should not be let near a cat, never mind vulnerable clients.

Some of these people may seek external supervision, lots don't, especially those working in the capacity of Keyworker. Accreditation doesn't give you skills, knowledge and competencies. I assume that you are speaking of IAAAC??

This way of working is about drug use and behaviour change, yet a lot of the work centers on historical issues that have influenced drug use; i.e abuse, trauma, family of origin, co-morbidity etc etc. Addiction qualifications are not sufficient to be working with these presenting issues. I have seen a number of people damaged and needing further therapy after leaving some of these places.


There is probably a higher percentage of recovering people than others working in the area but then that is the nature of this area - for example, grief counsellors, suicide support volunteers, cancer counselling volunteers - a lot of people become involved in these organisations because of personal experience.

Yes, majority of these people are psychotherapists or training in the field, you cant compare addiction studies with counselling. In order to become a counsellor, you have to do a lot of work on yourself and know your process. I have no problem with people working in an area which they have personal experience of. But in these instances the likelihood of stuff been brought up for the worker is much higher than the average person, and if you don't know your process and have awareness you can hurt the client.