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I don't think I can cope in this situation anymore.

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  • 19-06-2013 8:02pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 8


    I really did not want to talk to this, but I feel I am at my wits end. My family, in particular my mother, are constantly judging, scorning and reprimanding me for things I don't believe I am doing wrong. I was a very happy and bright person up until a few years ago until all of these feelings built up.
    My parents are highly overprotective and I feel constantly under surveillance. I am not an outgoing person, and I only have one good friend. I have tried to make new friends but my parents are so persistent in questioning both me and them that nearly everyone has been scared off. I invited a friend of mine to my house for lunch, and my mother was there. She was intent on embarrassing me, telling me to 'go pee' and when I tried to leave she screamed at me for wearing a jacket (apparently it was a warm day) in front of my friend. My friend let me know that he thought she was crazy, so at least I am not alone. I have not had friends over or gone out with friends for more than a year, because whenever I try to my parents guilt me into not going, and bombard me with rules and questions. I find it easier just to stay in the house all day.

    Also, my parents criticise me for staying in the house all day. I am not a sporty person but previously I have been forced into camps and clubs where I have tried to participate but have been bullied as a result of my non sportiness and what not.Whenever I tell my parents about this, I am told to grow up or to act normal like other teenagers. My mother criticises everything I do , eg. my hair is disgusting, why don't I dress smarter like other girls, I am a slobby blob etc. I am grateful for the things my parents provide me with but I feel mentally abused. I am screamed at for not wearing clothes that I have been newly bought (eg if I have not worn something for a week). I am also made feel guilty for not helping around the house, but I do try. When I try, it ends up being a screaming match for my mother who ends up pushing me out of the kitchen for not doing things right or normally. I am scorned for not knowing how to cook (although I don't like to try because when I spill something all hell breaks loose).

    My mother gets extremely upset when she goes into my room and finds clothes not hung up (i.e she cries and screams) and I usually just end up saying nothing. The arguments my parents put forward to back up their arguments are so ridiculous that I just can't even comprehend a counter argument. I tell my parents I need more independence (i.e let me do things myself) but they just laugh and say 'oh you're only 16, a child!'. I get confused because the next minute they are telling me to grow up. I have not got a doctor's diagnosis,but I am sure I have some form of bipolar or depression, from reading books from the library. It seems I have cyclothymia (mild form of bipolar) but when I try to express feelings my mother laughs at me.

    I feel like I am socially retarded because I have not been allowed to socialise, and I had hoped to go to college but to be honest I cannot see myself making it that far in life. If I did go to college I would be very grateful to my parents for paying for it but I feel that they would use this to emotionally blackmail me if I did not want to stay with them during holidays. Honestly I just feel sick of life and that scares me. I do not self harm but sometimes I take more painkillers than I should to sleep for longer. I do not like being up because I know that I will have to face my parents, but they usually scream or force me to get up. I see classmates and peers having fun and I just feel void and lonely.
    I love music and reading but lately that has not helped. I am a straight A student but I feel embarrassed to talk to teachers or friends about this. I used to feel very under pressure but now I just feel empty and I do not do anything. I have given up any interests I had and feel like I am just existing on a day to day basis. I'm sorry for the long post but I really feel like there is so much more that I feel upset about. I have mood swings but I feel like I need medication to sort this out, although my environment is part of the problem. I know that my parents love me but I feel they are quite ignorant in various ways. They have always been like this, but I feel that it is getting too much for me now. I know that I am only 16 but I would not ask for help in this situation if I believed that my age was the only problem here. I needed to write this somewhere, and if anyone has any advice I would be very grateful. Thanks for feedback in advance.


Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,327 ✭✭✭✭fits


    You need to get out of the house if you can. Would there be any opportunity for classes or camps in something that interests you? Like join a band or learn an instrument or creative writing? Anything at all that is your own interest.

    (Things do get better as you get older, college opens up a lot of opportunities)


  • Registered Users Posts: 8 null347


    fits wrote: »
    You need to get out of the house if you can. Would there be any opportunity for classes or camps in something that interests you? Like join a band or learn an instrument or creative writing? Anything at all that is your own interest.

    (Things do get better as you get older, college opens up a lot of opportunities)

    Yeah, I play guitar and am trying to start a band (I've got flyers, just need the courage to put them up). I'm trying to get out a bit more but I feel very detached from other people. That's what I'm hoping, I'd like to go to college in Dublin maybe. Thanks for the advice.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,327 ✭✭✭✭fits


    where do you live? General area. Is it a big town? Is there much going on? Growing up in a rural area can be tough if you're the more academic, quiet type. Don't give up your interests, and your studies as they're your ticket out of this. In two years time you will be much more free. (Do give up taking those painkillers though)


  • Registered Users Posts: 8 null347


    fits wrote: »
    where do you live? General area. Is it a big town? Is there much going on? Growing up in a rural area can be tough if you're the more academic, quiet type. Don't give up your interests, and your studies as they're your ticket out of this. In two years time you will be much more free. (Do give up taking those painkillers though)

    I live in Clare. Yeah, it's a big enough town. I live very close to it, which would be handy if I had any friends around. One or two close friends live in the countryside, so I don't see them much. That's what I'm betting on, I keep my head down during the school year so hopefully two years will fly.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Hi OP,

    You've a lot on your plate there don't you? I can see that you're stressed about the whole situation.

    Do you have an aunt or an uncle who might mediate between you and your parents for you?

    Have you talked to a dr yet about how you're feeling? That's a good place to start.

    The dr may send you for family therapy - or therapy that the family all do. Not necessarily at the same room, more a "you talk to one therapist, the parents talk to somebody else, and it gets figured our". I'm not sure how that works to be honest, a friend did something like this with her teenage child.

    You're probably each stuck in a cycle of repetitive behaviour and don't know how to get out.

    For your part, try to help your life. Eg, pick up your clothes if that upsets your Mam, go meet friends in their homes, definitely work on your music, think positively of yourself, and treat yourself kindly.

    The sleeping tablets are a bad idea. They won't help you. Go see a dr.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8 null347


    Hi OP,

    You've a lot on your plate there don't you? I can see that you're stressed about the whole situation.

    Do you have an aunt or an uncle who might mediate between you and your parents for you?

    Have you talked to a dr yet about how you're feeling? That's a good place to start.

    The dr may send you for family therapy - or therapy that the family all do. Not necessarily at the same room, more a "you talk to one therapist, the parents talk to somebody else, and it gets figured our". I'm not sure how that works to be honest, a friend did something like this with her teenage child.

    You're probably each stuck in a cycle of repetitive behaviour and don't know how to get out.

    For your part, try to help your life. Eg, pick up your clothes if that upsets your Mam, go meet friends in their homes, definitely work on your music, think positively of yourself, and treat yourself kindly.

    The sleeping tablets are a bad idea. They won't help you. Go see a dr.

    I have relations but we're not close at all; due to distance and the fact that we don't really keep in contact with them. Funny you mention therapy actually, my mother has threatened me with it multiple times because in her eyes I'm not normal. I don't know how I would see a Doctor without my parents knowing.Yeah, it's definitely a vicious cycle. Thanks for your advice.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    null347 wrote: »
    I have relations but we're not close at all; due to distance and the fact that we don't really keep in contact with them. Funny you mention therapy actually, my mother has threatened me with it multiple times because in her eyes I'm not normal. I don't know how I would see a Doctor without my parents knowing.Yeah, it's definitely a vicious cycle. Thanks for your advice.

    Could you ask your parents if you could go to the dr? (I'm presuming you feel you couldn't go without them knowing because of payment issues)?

    As far as I know dr patient confidentiality applies to children under 16.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8 null347


    Could you ask your parents if you could go to the dr? (I'm presuming you feel you couldn't go without them knowing because of payment issues)?

    As far as I know dr patient confidentiality applies to children under 16.

    I'll try to, yeah because of payment and the fact that my mother especially feels entitled to be involved in everything, I would be afraid she would explode if I wanted to go to the doctor on my own. I'm actually 16 now, but I'm not sure if that matters or not. I would just be afraid that I would be guilted or frozen out by them if I did this. I will try to talk to them about it though.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    You could phone a teen counselling service to get some tips on how to broach this subject with your parents?

    Could you talk to a teacher, or your Dad?


  • Registered Users Posts: 8 null347


    You could phone a teen counselling service to get some tips on how to broach this subject with your parents?

    Could you talk to a teacher, or your Dad?

    Yeah, I think the teen counselling service would be a good idea.
    I've talked to a teacher (didn't turn out too well) and I don't feel comfortable talking to my dad at all. I'll look into the teen counselling.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,282 ✭✭✭thefeatheredcat


    OP your mother is the one with the problem here, not you.

    I'm actually confused by her behaviour reading your post. She sounds really jealous of you and constantly puts you down. It's not the sort of criticism that might give you a push forward, but a debilitating crushing type of criticism designed to crush your self esteem and self worth. She sounds overly controlling and s taking out her own issues out on you. It is beyond the run of the mill messy teen bedroom and arguments about cleaning up or going out or things; to me her crying and screaming is that bit irrational a response and out of control in response to clothes being left on the floor.

    You should be proud of your grades in school and your creative aspirations. But you definitely need to talk to someone about what is going on and how it is effecting you and how your mother's behaviour is effecting you. Taking a few extra paracetamol or other painkillers to help you sleep longer can escalate into swallowing a whole packet. But it's not a solution and as already said, isn't going to help you. It might for a while, but that can soon escalate to something else.

    Have you had a read of the sticky in this section about forum rules as it outlines a list of organisations and agencies and contact numbers that you can call? It would include details for Samaritans and they can be there for you if there's nobody else that you feel you can talk to about all this.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,487 ✭✭✭banquo


    null347 wrote: »
    Yeah, I play guitar and am trying to start a band (I've got flyers, just need the courage to put them up). I'm trying to get out a bit more but I feel very detached from other people. That's what I'm hoping, I'd like to go to college in Dublin maybe. Thanks for the advice.

    This sounds remarkably like my 16yo self! Don't worry, it's infuriating and stressful now, but get yourself off to college in a year or two and a whole new world will open up to you.

    In the meantime, you could take charge, tell your mum you want to talk about something, sit down together (scary and stressful as actually doing this would be for someone your age) and talking about everyone's behaviour and expectations.

    Oh, and I'm a graphic designer, if you need some flyers or posters designed (for free of course!) just PM me :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 8 null347


    OP your mother is the one with the problem here, not you.

    I'm actually confused by her behaviour reading your post. She sounds really jealous of you and constantly puts you down. It's not the sort of criticism that might give you a push forward, but a debilitating crushing type of criticism designed to crush your self esteem and self worth. She sounds overly controlling and s taking out her own issues out on you. It is beyond the run of the mill messy teen bedroom and arguments about cleaning up or going out or things; to me her crying and screaming is that bit irrational a response and out of control in response to clothes being left on the floor.

    You should be proud of your grades in school and your creative aspirations. But you definitely need to talk to someone about what is going on and how it is effecting you and how your mother's behaviour is effecting you. Taking a few extra paracetamol or other painkillers to help you sleep longer can escalate into swallowing a whole packet. But it's not a solution and as already said, isn't going to help you. It might for a while, but that can soon escalate to something else.

    Have you had a read of the sticky in this section about forum rules as it outlines a list of organisations and agencies and contact numbers that you can call? It would include details for Samaritans and they can be there for you if there's nobody else that you feel you can talk to about all this.

    I wasn't aware of the sticky; I'll read it now, and thanks for your advice.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8 null347


    banquo wrote: »
    This sounds remarkably like my 16yo self! Don't worry, it's infuriating and stressful now, but get yourself off to college in a year or two and a whole new world will open up to you.

    In the meantime, you could take charge, tell your mum you want to talk about something, sit down together (scary and stressful as actually doing this would be for someone your age) and talking about everyone's behaviour and expectations.

    Oh, and I'm a graphic designer, if you need some flyers or posters designed (for free of course!) just PM me :)

    That's what I'm hoping. That's cool! I might actually PM you, I think about it and see after I try out some stuff myself. I'll try talking to her, but I feel really guilty sometimes because usually after a fight or whatever she says she's sorry but when I don't respond she gets upset or just freezes me out. I've sat down with both of my parents a few years ago and tried to talk but it seems to me that they can't understand what they're doing wrong. Thanks for your advice!


  • Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    banquo - per our charter please don't ask anyone in PI/RI to PM you. As much as this is to protect you it is also to protect them. As you know being here a while PI is strictly moderated and we take all such breaches seriously.

    Thanks
    Taltos


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