Contact The ex?

LegacyUser

This has been running around my head all day, has me distracted and tortured.

Had a dream last night that I bumped in an ex (in a hospital I think?). Went outside and bumped into a couple (one that I had thought we would become maybe?) and I told them how I wanted him back. They went into him and talked to him on my behalf. Don't think either of us were patients in the hospital if that's pertinent.
So I woke up and this has been on my mind for the last 12 hours. It's gone from "oh my god I want him back" to "I just want to try and re-kindle a friendship" to "maybe the breakup hurt me more than i realised and im only realising that now" to "I'm such a psyco is that why we broke up? I should ask about the breakup".
The reasons I've stopped myself from messaging him so far is that I am in a relationship. And talking to an ex behind a partners back is a ****ty thing to do I think? And also how do you even phrase a message like that without sounding all bunny-boiler-ish?

The background story if it helps:

he was my first love. met him ~8 years ago on holidays. Completely unexpected but the most intense instantaneous attraction that I have ever felt. Long distance relationship that was fine for about 12 months then fizzled out or wound down. Coupled with stress(es) on both parties in the last six months. He initiated what I have always called a mutual break up as our lives were not heading in a direction where we would end up living together. We agreed to be friends, met up in Spain a few weeks later. He included other... "Interested" parties in this weekend which pissed me off and I became a total bitch. For which I have not yet apologised. Months later he's with someone new and the comments on FB are about how the new fella is much better than the last one. Ouch, again.
Last contact was a happy birthday email 4 years ago. Which he signed off with "so that's a rap" which for some reason I read as "that's the end of us... leave it there"

In other areas of my life the career is going "well". Just made a commitment to a major investment which has me anxious.
My parents are in a bitter divorce with the family home just sold. I'm seeing more of one of them in me than I like.... I want to ask the ex if he recognises the traits as part of why we broke up.
Current relationship, things are OK

CaraMay

It was just a dream. Let it go and move on.

judgefudge

"Current relationship, things are ok"

Sounds like you're still obsessed with the ex, do you think about him a lot? Apart from the dream. Do you love your current partner, they don't seem to feature in your post much?

IrishGrimReaper

I've had similar dreams myself that mess with your head, they invoke a strong emotional response; they did for me anyway. I avoided the temptation to contact the person and the feeling went after a day or so.

December2012

You mention your parents divorce and your family home being sold, plus making a financial investment. It sounds like you are so stressed, and I wonder if you are trying to keep a calm face on everything during the day (maybe for your parents, maybe for yourself). Sometimes dreams can be more intense when we are stressed.

Sometimes dreams mean something, maybe you were telling the couple that you wanted your parents back together (even though you might not in real life, maybe you like the idea of having parents that are not going through an acrimonious divorce), and you are talking to them to get themselves back together?

Or maybe this time, the dream means nothing, and it's just a dream.

As a matter of interest for you, do you have any way of relieving your current stresses?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

CaraMay: wish it were that easy. Any tips or advice on how to just forget it? Whatever I'm trying obviously isn't working!

Judge fudge: fair point. My current partner wouldn't see this from my perspective, at best he'd see it as a threat to us if not him. I'm trying to keep them separate but that's not really possible I know. Things aren't great. Buts that's for another thread. Probably several!
Re thinking about the ex a lot. No, I don't think so. If I do it's only around June (when we split) or Jan (a birthday).

IrishGrimreaper: yeah the strong/intense feeling of I want him back is pretty much gone. But it's all still on my mind from we could be married with kids by now to I hope he's OK and happy. And I can't shake the fear that we split up, at least partly, because of traits that I have inherited/learned from my parents.

December 2012: my parents didn't feature in the dream... directly anyway. But yeah there's a lot of stress and anxiety in my life at the minute. Hence tonights insomnia.
As for stress relief..... no. I'm not the sporty/athletic type, can never channel stress or anger through fists (at a punching bag!). I tried distracting myself by going to the cinema but I just ended up thinking of the similarities between Henry cavil and the ex!

CaraMay

The reason you are giving this dream any credence is because you are not happy in your existing relationship. Even though you are in a relationship, the first thing you want to do after this dream is contact your ex? I think thus dream is telling you more about this relationship than your previous one. It seems like you are not happy now and you are thinking back to a time you were.

It would be very disloyal to contact your ex now. Are you contacting them to see if they will take you back? You want a safety net to jump into before you dump your bf? Reading between the lines your current relationship is not working. You need to make a decisuin on that before involving a third party. Think about your future with your bf rather than some dream which really has nothing to do with your ex.

howayahorse

Hi OP

I have been seeing a counsellor for the past year and from the start she has asked me to tell her about any dreams, memories or feelings that are thrown up between our sessions (I guess the work we do together instigates these but I'm not qualified so I'm not sure!)

Anyway, when I do speak of a dream the important things are how it makes me feel and what the people/places in the dream represent to me - so it doesn't really matter what actually happens in the dream or who is in it, it's more about the feelings it generates and if I can think of a time when I last felt like that or how I feel/what I think of the people in the dream. So maybe hold off on contacting the ex and if it's still bothering you, try thinking of the dream from a different angle. I don't want to put words in your mouth but is it possible the last time you felt as stressed as you do now was around the time of the breakup?

HalloweenJack

Headismelted wrote: »

And I can't shake the fear that we split up, at least partly, because of traits that I have inherited/learned from my parents.

Hi OP,

I think this is a big part of your dream, the stress of your parents splitting up.

I assume that you and your siblings (if you have any) are grown up and that your parents are now splitting when they don't have to worry about the effects on their kids/teenagers. I can imagine that this could lead to you thinking along on the lines of "How long have they been having problems?", etc.

To make another leap, I assume your parents were together for a long time so it could be that they were each others' first loves and that's why you are thinking of your first love in the dream.

That's my guess, though. I do think the stress of your parents' divorce is a big part of your dream.