Suffering from loneliness

Cotton Ears Joe

Don’t know where to start, so I’ll just start.

I left Ireland and moved to another country with my OH that I met in Ireland about 10 years ago. I’ve managed to settle in quite well here; I’ve got a good job, nice house, good food and all of that.
However a couple of years back it struck me: I don’t have any friends here. We as a couple have friends, but they’re all her friends from work or from living locally. If we were to split up, they would still be her friends and not at all mine.

This has started to get to me a lot recently, as I’ve currently a lot of pressure at work, and I’m also involved in organizing social (ha!) activities in the village where I live, which takes up a lot of my free time. You would think I would make friends through this, but no, I get on well with everyone, but no friends.

On the free time I do have, I’d love to be able to have a few beers with friends in a bar somewhere, but this isn’t possible due to lack of friends, the fact that I live in the sticks and the country I live in doesn’t have a pub culture, so you tend to invite people for a meal. However I find that the gap between getting on well with someone (in work, say) and having them round for a meal is quite big, and in Ireland this gap was filled by going for a drink. Invite a colleague for a drink in a pub and it doesn’t work out, it’s no biggie. Invite someone for a meal, you have to prepare, spend three or four hours sitting at a table with them, then they have to invite you back etc.

I brought this up with my OH but she was fairly dismissive, as if it wasn’t a real problem. I wouldn’t mind but she has her family five minutes away and lots of friends, whereas I feel I’ve no-one to talk to. So, although I’m in a relationship, I feel quite lonely. I don’t know if there’s any advice possible, I just need to express this, even if it is on an Internet forum.

LadyMayBelle

I feel your plight OP. Sometimes it's not as easy as 'join a club' or 'take up a sport', as often people have settled in the friendship groups and it's so hard to move beyond the small talk to 'do you fancy coming round to ours for a meal' without sounded like a weirdo. And it's lonely.

What does your partner reckon to this? Has she friends who are in couples, or are there activities ye could with those couples?

You mention being busy at work; are there opportunities for an end of week drink or something that could open doors?

Lorna123

Could you join something like a sport where you can get to know people. The only way to make a friend is to join some kind of activity where you have something in common with the members, e.g. golf, bridge, a gym, a sailing club. I know it is more difficult as we get older to make friends in the true sense of the word but you have to get out there and try. I am sure there are clubs in your area you could join. Try meetup.com and see if you can find a group of people in your area who meet up for fun activities. Look in your local library and see if any clubs are advertised or even on noticeboards in local shops. You could ask in your local shop too. Best of Luck.

username123

If there is no pub culture, so you cant fill the gap between a drink and a full on meal - could you not fill the gap with a coffee and/or a walk?

BerryBlue

Your other half clearly does not understand how you feel - it is hard to relate to it if you've never been in the lonely boat all on your todd! It sounds like you have a good life/job - groups for social occasions - but no friends - and that is SH*T!!! No one likes being lonely, having no one to hang about with, have a laugh with - and obviously in a relationship you do have that to an extent but if you don't have that outside of the relationship you can't find your separateness/individuality from the other person. (If that makes sense). You really need to make a list of a hundred things you could do to go out and get some mates - and just go and do it - join clubs/sports/classes - anything at all to meet other friends who are in the same position as you - could you even go into a few bars yourself & have a beer or two & maybe you might get chattin to someone on the same wavelength as you? You really have to try these things, as lame as they sound - nothing is going to come knocking on your door, and you have nothing to lose.

Just to mention - all you need to do is read these pages on boards to see how many people feel the same way you do - we usually look at others and think they have it all but alot of people are lonely and miss having a close/casual friend to hang about with or talk to.

Best of luck to you!