Unsure/Confused/slightly deranged

Amitheonlyone?

I'm posting here hoping to get some sort of grip on how my life is at the moment.

I am a 33 year old guy, in a long term relationship,nearly 5 years with a wonderful girl. However there is an other side to my sexuality that i have been suppressing most of my adult life, that is I am attracted to guys as well as girls. I have always thought that this was just the way i was, and never really acted upon this other attraction. I had once or twice fooled about with guys, but was always to nervous or shy to allows anything serious to happen, to it was never anything more that kissing or touching each other up.

In more recent years i've started to watch bi and gay porn, and this has been enough for me to contain my urges and attractions. But i'm starting to feel that this is not going to be enough for me, and have been thinking about setting up a meeting with guy.

Although i'm pretty sure i'm not going to follow up on this, as i'd never cheat on my GF, i'm now afraid that i'm always going to feel as i'm missing something, i'm also afraid that my urges/attractions are going to become too strong, and i will end up cheating.

I've researched bi-sexuality quite a bit, and i would probably define my self as being bi-sexual, although my experience are so limited, but in all reality i know that this is what i am.

Are there any more guys out there in the same situation, and if so how are you dealing with everything.. the urges, feeling, guilt, confusion... well the list goes on.

I'm most afraid that these feeling will start to chip away at me and that this could lead to stresses in my relationship, which i really don't want to happen.

Any insight is going to be greatly appreciated,

hechz

Without knowing anything about you or her, have you considered a casual third? A bi-guy that the two of you can have fun with together, preferably someone you are both friends with, and socialize without outside of the bedroom? I've been in that situation before and it worked out rather well.

Seamai

I dont know all the details, but I would encourage you to take some time out. I know people who've claimed to be bi (myself included) but at the end of the day came to accept our gayness. I have one friend who's married to a woman, would claim to be bi but apart from his wife everyone he's slept with is male. I've lost a lot of respect for him over the years, I feel his whole life is a lie and on the few occasions I do meet him it's as if he feels he has to prove himself to me, he can never stop talking about the "fruit of his loins" and his great marriage. His wife and his mother never trusted me and hated him spending time with me. He did try it on a few times with me but I'm not attracted to him and it would have been really weird anyway. He split up with his wife before they married, shagged guys right left and centre, she had a breakdown and he went back to her. If he was to be really honest with himself, I doubt he could say that he is happy. If I was to give you one bit of advise it would be to take some time out and be HONEST with yourself, ask yourself what do you actually want? You may end up hurting your girlfriend in the short term but the alternative might me a miserable half life for both of you.

hechz

Aaaah, I don't think so... there are truly bi-people out there, there are people that are mostly gay but date women on occasion, and mean it. But there are closet cases on their way to coming out that make a short visit to the bi label.

Amitheonlyone?

Hi guys, I have taken a lot if time debating this before posting here, and have come to the only conclusion that although I know I am not straight, I also know I am not gay.

Previously I would not have concidered bi-sexuality as being a true sexual category, but the more I've questioned my self and looked into these issues, I now believe that people can be bisexual.

I honestly am not in the transition of turning from straight to gay, believe me it would be a much easier situation for me to be in,

Although, as suggested, a mmf relationship may work for some, I don't believe this is the answer for me, although my girlfriend is amazing and we love each other dearly, I feel I can't talk to her about this side of my sexuality. I think this may be too much for her and put a lethal strain on our relationship.

uote="Seamai;85211473"]I dont know all the details, but I would encourage you to take some time out. I know people who've claimed to be bi (myself included) but at the end of the day came to accept our gayness. I have one friend who's married to a woman, would claim to be bi but apart from his wife everyone he's slept with is male. I've lost a lot of respect for him over the years, I feel his whole life is a lie and on the few occasions I do meet him it's as if he feels he has to prove himself to me, he can never stop talking about the "fruit of his loins" and his great marriage. His wife and his mother never trusted me and hated him spending time with me. He did try it on a few times with me but I'm not attracted to him and it would have been really weird anyway. He split up with his wife before they married, shagged guys right left and centre, she had a breakdown and he went back to her. If he was to be really honest with himself, I doubt he could say that he is happy. If I was to give you one bit of advise it would be to take some time out and be HONEST with yourself, ask yourself what do you actually want? You may end up hurting your girlfriend in the short term but the alternative might me a miserable half life for both of you.[/quote]

Seamai

I wouldn't go down the MMF route, that would cause even more problems. If you feel that you can't tell your girlfriend this big secret that is going to put huge pressure on your relationship, it also means that you don't have an honest relationship. I know a lot of people wont agree with me when I say this but I don't think true 50/50 bisexuality is that common. I would imagine that most people come down on one side or the other.
I remember my father asking me how did I know that I was gay if I had never slept with either sex when I was about 21, but I knew what I wanted, I wasn't comfortable about it. I was ashamed of people knowing about it but that has changed. I have a friends in their 50's who still haven't come out properly and wonder why they can't find a boyfriend. They have no problem finding guys for sex but being gay is more than just about the sex.
I've never had the urge to sleep with a woman, though I've had plenty of opportunities. In my life I've always had the tendency to take the safe path (I might even call myself a bit of a coward), but where my sexuality is concerned I'm proud of myself for how far I've come (and much of it on my own). At the end of the day, you're the only one who can do something about this, the situation is not going to resolve itself. You don't want to end up married to this woman and having sex with guys on the side, do you? You won't be the first or last man who realises in his 30's that he prefers sleep with men and not women.
Another of my closest friends broke off his engagement at 35 at announced he was gay. I was gobsmaked, I of all people have spotted the tell tale signs, but there weren't any. As I've said already the least you should do is to take some time out, you may need to go and talk to someone on a professional level. If that urge is always going to be there it's going to be an issue for you.

floggg

Ignore all the suggestions that you have to pick one side or the other. It's BS - only you know what you're orientation is.

I haven't much constructive to say OP, as Im gay and can't really relate to you're situation.

I will say though that just because you are no it doesn't mean you can't be faithful to an opposite sex partner (or a same sex partner for that matter) or that you have to act on it.

I imagine though it would be tough to deal with this for the rest of your life without being able to share with your partner and having their support.

For the sake of the relationship and both your long term happiness, might it be better to be honest with her and seek her support at those times when you are struggling?

And if she (or any partner) can't provide that support, are they the right one for you?

A relationship is a two way street - if you can't come to her for the support you need out of fear of how she will react (when you have done absolutely nothing wrong and want only some understanding), then she's not fulfilling her side of the bargain.

martin60

No doubt you dont need to be told that it is a very difficult situation you are in and you seem to be aware that things will not get any easier. However, while it is beneficial to use forums such as this as a 'sounding board' - unfortunately, we each have different experiences, feelings and phenomenology: what might seem like genuine and well-meaning advice or support from one person might not necessarily be the right advice for you. For example, one poster suggested introducing a 'third-party'..maybe that was right for him but that only addresses the physical aspect and in no way addresses the emotional/psychological aspect of your sexuality and the long-term consequences for your happiness.

Seamai, I think, was quite correct. The only person who can address this issue is you: it can be extremely painful to admit to being gay/bi-sexual and it is even harder to be open about oneself to a girlfriend/spouse - especially when we love them. Please do remember that there are support groups available and should you choose, there is help and counselling available. You will always be attracted to men, emotionally and physically and the bottom line is that for your own mental well-being you must make a choice: either continue as you are and lead a life that is not one of your choosing (one which is hurtful to all parties) or as Floggg said, be honest with your partner and see if she can support you through your difficult times.

Your happiness is paramount and hopefully you will make a decision which will bring you that happiness. Best wishes to you.

playedalive

Amitheonlyone? wrote: »

Hi guys, I have taken a lot if time debating this before posting here, and have come to the only conclusion that although I know I am not straight, I also know I am not gay.

I would say the same. I personally feel that gay and straight are fairly limiting terms. All I know is that I am attracted to people on varying levels. I wouldn't be too hung up about defining your sexuality in a label. Explore the feelings you have without being unfair to your girlfriend.

Amitheonlyone?

Some great advice given, and it has all been taken on board.

I have come to realise that sexuality is not as clear cut as black or white, and that there are many labels for which different people can be defined as.

JenEffy

Bisexuality can be very confusing. I'm sexually attracted to women but romantically attracted to men. I've never had actual feelings for a girl but I would still define myself as bisexual. I think you should test it out a bit with your girlfriend. If you can be open with her about it it might take some of the weight of it away.