My first attempt

redandwhite

Hi. I'd really appreciate some feedback on this. It's the beginning (maybe prologue) of a fantasy/sci fi thing I have in my head. Would love some up front feedback on style, readability (if that's a word??) etc.



He could hear them. Their shouts, branches snapping and feet crashing through the dense undergrowth. Not far away now. No longer were they careful and measured in their movements. Not treading delicately between the towering trees as they had while searching for him. Now they had found him and they were closing in. Fast.

Struggling to remain calm he scanned the sheer rock face confronting him. A dull grey wall, featureless and unforgiving. He could try to climb but they would be upon him too soon. He turned to his left - away from the ever louder clamour of his pursuers - and began to run as fast as his exhausted body would allow.

His legs were struggling to match the urgency of the panic rising in his chest. Normally nimble and light footed he now lumbered clumsily over the rocks piled at the base of the cliff. Stumbling as a loose boulder shifted beneath his foot he managed to regain his balance but only for a moment. Alert, aware and energized he would have hurdled the fallen tree with ease. In his current state he was barely able to lift his leg.

Slamming into the trunk his momentum sent him hurtling into the air. The brief sensation of weightlessness and release ended with a jarring impact as he landed face first, only able to partially lift an arm and shield his eyes. Stunned, he lay still for a few moments. His disorientated mind clearing quickly as the roars of the chasing pack sounded more clearly.

Attempting to clamber to his feet sudden shards of pain stabbed inside his ankle. As the pain slowly subsided he forced himself into a sitting position, slumped with his back to the moss covered tree trunk. A sudden movement in the dense undergrowth caused him to reflexively draw his knife from the belt circling his waist as he tensed and turned.

He relaxed and lowered the knife, allowing himself a faint sigh and smile of relief as the dog froze, staring nervously at him. Quickly realizing there was no threat the dog glanced sharply towards the sounds of splintering timber and guttural roars before bounding towards the cliff face. And disappearing.

Struggling to think coherently through the pain and panic he gazed dumbly at the spot where the dog had vanished. Then his mind cleared and he saw the sheltered opening. Barely visible from his sitting position, a slanted overhang made it practically invisible from above. A fresh surge of hope coursed through his body.

Rising painfully he hobbled to the crevice before sinking to his knees and crawling into the darkness ahead. Moving as quickly as he could he scrabbled along the surface of the narrow passage, stretching his hands ahead of him in the pitch black, a sudden blanket of silence settling over him. Pausing, he listened, waiting for his heart to slow and the thumping of his pulse to quieten.

Silence. No birdsong. No wind. And no shouts and yells of hate and hunger. He remained still, allowing a sense of calm to quell the panic that had been driving him. Now, thinking more calmly, he decided to follow the passage further. Although hopeful that the pack had hurtled past the entrance, he knew he may not be that lucky. Perhaps the passage could lead to somewhere he could hide. Maybe even another way out, away from his pursuers. He edged forward, the jabbing pains in his damaged ankle making his cramped movements painful and awkward.

Disorientated by the all-consuming darkness he only became aware of the void before him when it was too late. His hands plunged into an empty space where he had expected to feel the rough bottom of the passage. He pitched forward, fingers grasping blindly for something to stop his momentum carrying him into the vacuum beneath him.

Bracing himself for a painful impact he was surprised to find his fall interrupted by a steeply sloped, smooth, cold surface which he found himself sliding down rapidly, head first with arms outstretched. Below he saw a faint light, illuminating the spherical tunnel he was hurtling down. Before he could imagine what lay before him he found himself catapulted headlong into a chamber glowing with a faint light. Pain stabbed violently in his ankle as he sprawled awkwardly to a halt on a smooth stone surface. His cry of agony echoed around the chamber as his exhausted mind and body welcomed the oblivion of unconsciousness.

Achillles

I really liked it. Your style of writing lends the piece good pace and intrigue-it left me wanting to read on. This is hardly your first attempt at writing?? You seem to have a great appreciation of the flow of a story, whilst still packing in some great description. I read quite a bit of fantasy and I think this reads like the story is heading a bit more in the direction of sci-fi? I could be wrong though just a feeling from it.. Great start, post some more!

alfa beta

it's good - but i'd be a bit more sparing with my adverbs if i were you

Das Kitty

I liked it a lot, and you sure can write.

I agree with the above poster though. I think you should snip out the majority of the adverbs and some of the verbs. In a lot of cases they're not required at all and having so many slows down the pace of the piece by making the sentences long where they don't need to be. Just an example to illustrate:

"Moving as quickly as he could he scrabbled along the surface of the narrow passage..."

You could take out everything up until "he scrabbled" and not lose any meaning. We already know he's moving as quickly as possible as you already established that he was being chased and was injured.

But as I said, I enjoyed it very much. Keep it up!

redandwhite

Achillles wrote: »

I really liked it. Your style of writing lends the piece good pace and intrigue-it left me wanting to read on. This is hardly your first attempt at writing?? You seem to have a great appreciation of the flow of a story, whilst still packing in some great description. I read quite a bit of fantasy and I think this reads like the story is heading a bit more in the direction of sci-fi? I could be wrong though just a feeling from it.. Great start, post some more!

Thanks for that. What I have in mind is definitely more sci-fi than fantasy but I'm more inclined toward non-science based sci-fi. So maybe more sci-fantasy?!!!?

It is my first serious attempt at writing. I've got a lot of ideas but getting them into some coherent form and then producing something readable has always been an issue.

Thanks again for the comments. I know it's raw but it's good to know that it's not unreadable!

redandwhite

alfa beta wrote: »

it's good - but i'd be a bit more sparing with my adverbs if i were you

Cheers.....reading it again I see you're right.

In fact, you're quite right.:pac:

redandwhite

Das Kitty wrote: »

I liked it a lot, and you sure can write.

I agree with the above poster though. I think you should snip out the majority of the adverbs and some of the verbs. In a lot of cases they're not required at all and having so many slows down the pace of the piece by making the sentences long where they don't need to be. Just an example to illustrate:

"Moving as quickly as he could he scrabbled along the surface of the narrow passage..."

You could take out everything up until "he scrabbled" and not lose any meaning. We already know he's moving as quickly as possible as you already established that he was being chased and was injured.

But as I said, I enjoyed it very much. Keep it up!

Thanks. Sound advice which is what I was hoping for. Reading it back now I see what you mean.

Let the re-write begin!