14 year relationship flizzling out

LegacyUser

I'd appreciate the wisdom of the crowd on this.

I've been with my partner for the last 14 years, we've lived together for the last 12 years, she has two grown up sons from her marriage. There is a 17 year age gap between us, with her being older than me. I'm 40 and she is 57

We've a pretty good home life and we travel extensively, we get on very well with each other and rarely fall out. However our sex life is non-existent, we havent had sex in 3 years, and I'm left to satisfy myself with porn.

I've spoken to her about the lack of sex in our relationship and she just tells me she doesnt feel like it anymore. Sometimes I try to initiate things and nothing happens, last Saturday night she told me when I tried to start something "why are you setting yourself up for disappointment"

She tells me everyday that she loves me and I believe her, and if I'm honest I love her, but I am starting to wonder if we are really just good friends who happen to live in the same house and share the same bed.

Recently I have met someone else who I quite like and this has started to shine a light on my relationship and the issues in it, she is someone who is just a few years younger than me, we havent dated we just meetup with mutual friends. In my existing relationship we wont be getting married, we've discussed it and she will not remarry which is a decision I respect. Obviously because of the age gap we cannot have kids, I've got on very well with her kids who I've helped raised and who always ask my advice.

I feel that at 40 that I've still a lot of miles on the clock and that my partner is happy to drift along to retirement, for example as I write this she's on the couch watching what seems to be a endless stream of soaps. I'm starting to do things on my own like using meetup.com to meet people with similar interests, I've tried to involve her in some of these events but she has no interest. I've asked her to look at some events that might interest her but she isn't interested in doing that either. Also if I'm honest I'd hate to think that my sex life has ended at 37.

Counselling isnt something she wants to do either, she doesnt feel there is anything really wrong with the relationship and I'm just being over sensitive

So I suppose I'm asking for any sort advice on this. Part of me is afraid of change but part of me feels I cant spend the rest of my days like this.

StillWaters

I'd say it's gone beyond fizzling out at this stage OP. Sadly it sounds dead. She has no regard for your needs, either social, emotional or sexual. Of course yours is just one side, and she might herself have a tale to tell. But the bottom line is that this relationship seems to have run it's course.

The only issue now is extraditing yourself causing as little pain as possible to her.

Lenmeister

Ya there's nothing more to add really. She obviously either completely disregards your need for intimacy or just hasn't got a breeze. You can't call this a relationship, but if you labelled it, it would be close friends without benefits. Indications are quite apparent. She has no interest in your interests. She has no interest in sex of any kind. She blatently refused your advance and told you more or less where to go. She has no interest in talking about it or getting counselling. If she thinks there's nothing wrong with your relationship, then she really hasn't got a breeze. Also saying she just doesn't feel it anymore could be her way of saying she's just not sexually attracted to you anymore, but I wouldn't read into it too much. You should have done something a long time ago. 14 years is a long time, but if you can't reignite the spark then strike a new match.

Merkin

Don't waste a minute more, leave.

Lorna123

This is where the age difference is beginning to show. She is getting ready to retire and you are still quite young. Up to this you could meet half way but now it is getting more difficult for her to fulfill your needs. Good and all as the relationship is, at 40 you need more than just a platonic friend.

You love one another as friends, but this is not enough for you. Would you like to have children of your own? If the answer is yes then you need to find someone who can fulfill this dream for you before it is too late.

I think that the writing is on the wall that you need a change for the better and this is within your power. She might rant and rave and try to persuade you to stay but I think you would be doing yourself a grave injustice by settling for this way of life at your age.

Emme

I think your relationship is over OP. People say age gaps don't matter, but they do, especially if the woman is significantly older. Having said that I hope that the woman you like isn't that much younger than you or you might run into similar problems in the future with her having to leave you.

LegacyUser

I do appreciate the responses, thank you

Emme wrote: »

Having said that I hope that the woman you like isn't that much younger than you or you might run into similar problems in the future with her having to leave you.

No the gap is about 3 years, so that isnt an issue, but to be honest I dont think I'd embark on one relationship without properly finishing another, that said I dont even know if she's interested in me, more so my thoughts about her have shone a light on my own relationship and "what could be"

dont waste a minute more[\quote]

I dont feel that it has been a waste, we've had some fantastic times, travels and experiences together and 14 years is a long time to just walk away from.

The thing is I do still love her, but the drift lately in our interests and lack of intimacy is getting me down. I dont want to resent her and I dont want to break her heart, tbh I thought at this stage of my life this would be the least of my worries

marizpan

I hope in the near future that you experience a passionate and lovely relationship.
It will highlight the stark difference of your current 'friendship'.
You need to put your own life and needs first.
I actually don't understand how you benefit by this relationship? But I can see how she does.
Do you wish to have a family of your own?
I wish you well.

Emme

OP, if you decide to walk away you will have to be strong. Your girlfriend will probably be heartbroken as her chances of finding somebody else are very slim. However, you would have no problem meeting someone new.

If you want to have a family and a more passionate life you will have to man up and end the relationship.

LegacyUser

OP, as someone who just last year got out of a 'platonic type' relationship where the passion and intimacy was gone, I can tell you there is better out there.

I wrote on here at the time how my partner was distant intimately, but believed we were still best friends, and shared enough love and respect for eachother for it to work.
But it didn't. In the end he ended it. I was devastated at the time. But I knew deep down it was for the best and if he didn't end it, I would have had to. I just wasn't brave enough to make that decision.

18 months on, and I couldn't be happier. Don't get me wrong, I went through months of heartbreak and loneliness and soul searching.

But I met someone new, and honestly I realise now that I never really knew what it was like to be truly happy and passionately in love. I'm not sure if this new relationship with go the distance, but I do know that I've never felt this way about anyone before. And I know that if it does end I will be very sad and upset, but I will get over it, like I did the last time.
I have found a new lease of life. I was depressed and I thought it was everything else other than my relationship that was causing it. But looking back now, I can see that the lack of intimacy and passion in my life and my relationship was the root cause.

I really respect your attitude that you need to end one relationship before starting another.

I am living proof that there is life after the ending of a 'good' relationship (friendship).

Please for your own sake, don't waste your life, we only have one chance. I never believed that I could achieve this level of happiness and contentedness in life. It is out there, but you have to work to get it, and if you continue as you are it will pass you by. Please be brave and do what right for you. It will be better for everyone in the long run.

Good luck xx

The Corinthian

justfriends wrote: »

Counselling isnt something she wants to do either, she doesnt feel there is anything really wrong with the relationship and I'm just being over sensitive

If there's an age gap, or any other major difference between two people in a relationship, both should be willing to finding compromises and workarounds. Otherwise the relationship will fail.

In the case of sex, this may mean the more asexual partner making an effort to have sex more often, taking supplements and/or hormones to increase their libido or agreeing to an open relationship. It also means that the partner with the higher libido won't get sex as often as they'd like. However, they still will get sex - that's what a compromise is.

That your sex life was ended, by her choice, at 37 is not being over-sensitive. She's probably is rejecting counselling, because she has nothing to gain by it; after all, she has what she wants. No compromise.

It is probably time for you to move on, but I would still give it a few more months as long as this time is used to try to resolve things. This means you're probably going to have to make an ultimatum here; either you work out things or it's time to move on. If there's no movement on that (i.e. empty promises used as delaying tactics) then stop wasting your and her time and end it.

If it comes to that, there is a caveat. Despite not being married and having no kids together, you've cohabited for over five years. This means that, under Irish law, either one of you has a potential claim on the other's assets and for maintenance. I would advise that you consult a solicitor before making any brake as a result.

Neyite

OP, could her lack of interest be related to menopause? if it started 3 years ago she would have been in her mid-fifties so it could be possible that hormonal changes result in low or non-existent libido, but the only way to know for sure is to ask the GP.

The Corinthian

Neyite wrote: »

OP, could her lack of interest be related to menopause? if it started 3 years ago she would have been in her mid-fifties so it could be possible that hormonal changes result in low or non-existent libido, but the only way to know for sure is to ask the GP.

Very good point; when I suggested taking supplements and/or hormones to increase one's libido, I had this in mind as menopause is a likely culprit. I should have explained myself better.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

OP, could her lack of interest be related to menopause? if it started 3 years ago she would have been in her mid-fifties so it could be possible that hormonal changes result in low or non-existent libido, but the only way to know for sure is to ask the GP.

Apparently the HRT medication conflicts with her existing medication, she did speak to her GP about this.

It is probably time for you to move on, but I would still give it a few more months as long as this time is used to try to resolve things. This means you're probably going to have to make an ultimatum here; either you work out things or it's time to move on. If there's no movement on that (i.e. empty promises used as delaying tactics) then stop wasting your and her time and end it.

I'm not sure there is much point in demanding sex as an ultimatum, I'm sure most of us know that crap sex is as bad as no sex and I just dont want her to lie there an put up with it just for the sake of it, its pretty hollow reason to do so.

Its really a tough call because I do love her and hate to hurt her, I feel like I'm being selfish looking for an intimate relationship when she doesnt want one, but then without it the relationship isnt complete

The Corinthian

justfriends wrote: »

I'm not sure there is much point in demanding sex as an ultimatum, I'm sure most of us know that crap sex is as bad as no sex and I just dont want her to lie there an put up with it just for the sake of it, its pretty hollow reason to do so.

I never said that what she should do is lie there and let you have your evil way with her; I said a solution, a compromise. I even trotted out a few off the top of my head.

Its really a tough call because I do love her and hate to hurt her, I feel like I'm being selfish looking for an intimate relationship when she doesnt want one, but then without it the relationship isnt complete

Do you really want to be a martyr? After all, isn't all this because she's being selfish?

CaraMay

The Corinthian wrote: »

.

Do you really want to be a martyr? After all, isn't all this because she's being selfish?

Oh exactly... Why are you bring a martyr? You are living like brother and sister. She is hurting you by refusing intimacy so why are you staying in a dead end relationship so you don't hurt someone who in return has no qualms about hurting you through rejection?..

The Corinthian

CaraMay wrote: »

Oh exactly... Why are you bring a martyr? You are living like brother and sister. She is hurting you by refusing intimacy so why are you staying in a dead end relationship so you don't hurt someone who in return has no qualms about hurting you through rejection?..

I liked how I said it better

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

I never said that what she should do is lie there and let you have your evil way with her; I said a solution, a compromise. I even trotted out a few off the top of my head.

Do you really want to be a martyr? After all, isn't all this because she's being selfish?

No you didnt, I apologise my response was more something I was thinking at the time than directed at you.

Yes she is being selfish and yet in so many other areas she's so kindhearted. To be honest I never saw myself with anyone else until recently and I suppose that gets me down as well.

I know there will be regrets what ever choice I make and i'd again thank you all for your input, it puts my mind at rest that I'm not being over sensitive about this

The Corinthian

Justfriends wrote: »

No you didnt, I apologise my response was more something I was thinking at the time than directed at you.

That's OK, I just wanted to underline what I said, rather than letting you getting bogged down by irrelevant scenarios.

Yes she is being selfish and yet in so many other areas she's so kindhearted.

Problem is, that's also what people with abusive or violent spouses will often say.

This is not to say that your partner is abusive, however there's certainly a case for saying she is; is forcing someone to a life of celibacy kind-hearted?

You've already agreed to make the sacrifice to not have children, because she wanted to have no more, so how kind-hearted is it that you have to make all the sacrifices in the relationship?

I know there will be regrets what ever choice I make and i'd again thank you all for your input, it puts my mind at rest that I'm not being over sensitive about this

Ideally, you and your partner will be able to find a compromise solution to resolve this. It appears that your partner does not presently want to, for whatever reason, and so you're going to realistically have to force the issue.

However if this fails and you choose to remain with her, a few things are likely to happen:

As time goes on, you will increasingly resent her for this; it's inevitable. As a result, eventually you may end up breaking up anyway; once both of you are much older and those options still open to you now have passed you by.

There's also the chance you'll end up having an affair. Without sexual intimacy, which you still require, and at an age where I can tell you women of all ages can and will find you attractive, it's a very distinct possibility. In that event, it is entirely possible that you will still end up breaking up with her - either by leaving her for the other woman or because you get caught and she doesn't accept the infidelity (I little unreasonable, given what she demands of you, but we've already established that she's not being very reasonable).

On top of this, if her attitude is to get you to comply with her wishes on such important issues (kids off the agenda from day one, sex now off the agenda), she's more and not less likely to bully you into more, in the future.

So what it comes down to is two end scenarios; the first is you end up, celibate, miserable and increasingly resentful until one day either you die or she does and you find yourself celibate, miserable, resentful and alone.

And in the second, you end up breaking up in a few more years anyway, having wasted precious years of your life, but under nastier circumstances, given the resentment that's built up and inevitably manifested itself (even if only passive aggressively). For bonus points, what will trigger it is your infidelity.

So do try to find a solution, as long as it's not an excuse for procrastination, so set a hard deadline. But if that fails, it's probably better to pull the band-aid off quickly, rather than slowly.

LegacyUser

I've spoken about this with a friend who knows me about 20 years (and my partner for as long as we've been together) and to be honest what she told me really echoes what I have been reading here.

I'd love to find a solution but in my heart of hearts I know it would only be a temporary solution before something else raises its head. When you solve your Number 1 problem your number 2 problem becomes your number 1 problem!

I'm very grateful to all of you for taking the time out of your day to input into this thread, you have been of great help to me.

Lenmeister

Well hope everything turns out good for you and you make the right choices in the end whatever they may be.