Kissed someone else, absolutely devastated

LegacyUser

Hi,

Long time reader and poster on boards, but can't believe i'm the one here posting this. Going out with a great guy nearly 3 years and I did the last thing I ever thought i'd do in the world the other day, I kissed someone. I expect to get a torrent of abuse but no one on here can be as disgusted by my actions as I am. Basically I was out with some old friends hadn't seen in a while. I ended up quite drunk and we went back to a friends house, they were all doing drugs and I apparentely ended up taking some, this is also out of character for me. Next day I had to go home, one of the lads offered to walk me to my stop, I didn't even know where I was as I don't remember really walking back to the house even. We went to the pub, and I can only remember bits of what we were talking about. We ended up kissing, I remember crying and saying I was a horrible person for doing it, then everything is a bit sketchy. I remember getting the bus back to meet my bf then. I had text him saying we needed to talk and he wouldn't be happy with me. I was going to tell him I kissed this guy. I told him about the drugs in a message earlier and he wasn't happy but pretty forgiven, which made me feel worse. My friend told me not to tell him, that it was a mistake and not worth heartache it would cause and throwing away an otherwise good relationship. I don't know what to do, I never thought I would do this in a million years. The 2 days is pretty much a blur. My bf deserves better than this, I had to sit with his family the other day and felt so ashamed, they've been so good to me, if they knew I treated him like this they would hate me. Its no excuse, but I know if it was just drink involved this never would have happened. Seriously need advice.

Sleepy

Balls in his court tbh.

If he wants to give you another chance, that's his choice. If he doesn't want to keep going out with someone who's treated him as you have, that's also his choice, not yours to make for him.

So: give him the facts and let him make his choice.

Merkin

I wouldn't tell him if I were you. You sound like you got absolutely gee-bagged and lost control. I'm not condoning what you did, kissing someone when you have a loving partner isn't a great idea and would be hugely hurtful for your boyfriend BUT you sound like you got absolutely wasted and lost control. Why did you do that? If you truly believe it was a one-off and there are no underlying issues then just forget it. You didn't sleep with this other person and that would have been a whole lot worse. Just don't get so wasted again that you've no idea what you're up to - you could have found yourself in a situation with much more serious repercussions and could have put yourself in danger. Learn from it and move on.

judgefudge

I'm divided on this issue. Before I was cheated on myself I always would have said you have to tell the person. Afterwards my opinion changed. In cases like this, where it was clearly a mistake and you feel terrible, sometimes it is actually better for everyone involved to stay quiet. I know you could say he deserves to know, and maybe he does... But do you think he will stay with you? If you think he will then imagine the hurt and trust issues involved, all so that you can alleviate your guilty conscience.

It's a hard one to call. Having been someone who was cheated on, I think if my situation had been that my boyfriend made a drunken mistake and felt terrible... Sometimes it is just better to never know...

However, you still need to accept full responsibility for what you did. It's a horrible selfish act, and you should learn from this and stop drinking so much you can't remember what you're doing. I'm confused as to when it happened. I don't know why you brought up the drugs if it was the next day that you actually cheated? Were you still taking drugs? Cause usually they'll have worn off long before the night after.

Lux23

I wouldn't tell him. Personally I think the biggest issue is getting so wrecked, what made you do drugs, are you feeling bored or something?

Jimmy 5F

Tell him and let him decide how to proceed. He deserves to know.

LegacyUser

judgefudge wrote: »

I'm divided on this issue. Before I was cheated on myself I always would have said you have to tell the person. Afterwards my opinion changed. In cases like this, where it was clearly a mistake and you feel terrible, sometimes it is actually better for everyone involved to stay quiet. I know you could say he deserves to know, and maybe he does... But do you think he will stay with you? If you think he will then imagine the hurt and trust issues involved, all so that you can alleviate your guilty conscience.

It's a hard one to call. Having been someone who was cheated on, I think if my situation had been that my boyfriend made a drunken mistake and felt terrible... Sometimes it is just better to never know...

However, you still need to accept full responsibility for what you did. It's a horrible selfish act, and you should learn from this and stop drinking so much you can't remember what you're doing. I'm confused as to when it happened. I don't know why you brought up the drugs if it was the next day that you actually cheated? Were you still taking drugs? Cause usually they'll have worn off long before the night after.

I think it was late the previous night/early in the morning when I took them, can't be sure of exact time and it was the next day I kissed him. 4 days later I still don't feel 100%. I don't know why I was so stupid to go and take them. I'm seen a counsellor for family issues including addiction and drug taking and never wanted to be involved in drugs.

Floppybits

I dont think you should tell him, as we can only take your word for it and this is totally out of character then you shouldnt tell him. If I was you I would put it down to the getting smashed and not knowing what you were doing and just make a promise to yourself that you will be more careful around drink and drugs in future and then move on.

ShaShaBear

If you do tell him, you can expect it to be the end of the relationship. Even if he does suck it up and forgive you, he will never be able to trust you again. Every time you go out or take a drink it will be playing on his mind and that is not fair for either of you.

If you know you made a mistake, feel truly sorry and are sure you will never do it again, and still want to be with your boyfriend, I don't think it would be worth the heartache for you both to bring it up.

Czarcasm

OP I'd say let it go and chalk it down to experience tbh. You've done enough beating yourself up about it already.

It was a kiss, under the influence of alcohol and drugs, it could've been a lot more, and the consequences could've been a lot worse.

I think you've learned from it and there's no point in going back on it and rehashing it with your boyfriend. All you CAN do about the situation is let it go now and move on.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for all the advice.

Shashabear/Czarcasm you have no idea how bad I feel I had to spend the weekend with his family at various parties, in bits from the side effects of everything that had i'd done. All I kept thinking was how they've mentioned "what a nice girl" I am and thinking if only you knew. I could barely look them in the eyes. I just feel like a phoney now or something or like I won't be able to get back to normal in the relationship.

I was all set to tell him, thinking it was the right thing to do, only my friend talked me out of it.

fungun

Sometimes its better not to know.....but how well can you live with a secret like that?

Personally I'd tell him, because (a) i couldnt deal with the constant worry that it might come out and (b) every time we promised 'no secrets' or the like Id feel like a s hit

Try to think not just about 'now' but about later. Think of it all working out and you guys getting married....how would you feel marrying the guy without him knowing this....and the fact that some other people do know this, and at any stage one of them might break/get drunk and let it slip. I wouldnt be able to deal with that myself

Czarcasm

WhydidIdoit wrote: »

Thanks guys for all the advice.

Shashabear/Czarcasm you have no idea how bad I feel I had to spend the weekend with his family at various parties, in bits from the side effects of everything that had i'd done. All I kept thinking was how they've mentioned "what a nice girl" I am and thinking if only you knew. I could barely look them in the eyes. I just feel like a phoney now or something or like I won't be able to get back to normal in the relationship.

I was all set to tell him, thinking it was the right thing to do, only my friend talked me out of it.

I can't say I know exactly how you feel OP, but while I wouldn't be prepared to elaborate on a public forum, I CAN at least tell you that I've done some stupid shìt in my time and I've had plenty to beat myself up about, plenty that if people knew about me the eyebrows would fall off the back of their heads, but I've had to let go of those mistakes in order to be able to move on with my life.

You weren't yourself under the influence of alcohol and drugs, and as you explained it was an out of character, once off mistake, you need to let go of it. I don't think anyone could be as hard on you as you're being on yourself tbh.

I think these people know what you're like and you're a decent person. We all make mistakes, nobody hasn't done something they'd wished in hindsight they hadn't. But they learn to move on OP, and I just think you've punished yourself enough for this one already.

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

Sometimes its better not to know.....but how well can you live with a secret like that?

Personally I'd tell him, because (a) i couldnt deal with the constant worry that it might come out and (b) every time we promised 'no secrets' or the like Id feel like a s hit

Try to think not just about 'now' but about later. Think of it all working out and you guys getting married....how would you feel marrying the guy without him knowing this....and the fact that some other people do know this, and at any stage one of them might break/get drunk and let it slip. I wouldnt be able to deal with that myself

I know i've thought of nothing else, can't stop welling up. I don't know if I can live with it, I feel guilty for spending too much money or for not doing something I told someone i'd do for them, I feel guilty about pretty much everything so not sure if I can live with this. I can't believe i'd hurt him like this, I never in a million years imagined i'd do something like this on him.

I don't want to be the girl that didn't tell her bf and only admitted it because she was found it, at the same time I can't bare to hurt him just to alleviate my own guilt. He'll be devastated.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

I can't say I know exactly how you feel OP, but while I wouldn't be prepared to elaborate on a public forum, I CAN at least tell you that I've done some stupid shìt in my time and I've had plenty to beat myself up about, plenty that if people knew about me the eyebrows would fall off the back of their heads, but I've had to let go of those mistakes in order to be able to move on with my life.

You weren't yourself under the influence of alcohol and drugs, and as you explained it was an out of character, once off mistake, you need to let go of it. I don't think anyone could be as hard on you as you're being on yourself tbh.

I think these people know what you're like and you're a decent person. We all make mistakes, nobody hasn't done something they'd wished in hindsight they hadn't. But they learn to move on OP, and I just think you've punished yourself enough for this one already.

Thanks for that. I feel like i'm a long time away off being finished punishing myself for this to be honest, I know what i'm like. The guilt of taking drugs and letting down myself and my family for doing such a thing is bad enough but i'd get over that quicker.

Legs.Eleven

People do really stupid shyte drunk/on drugs and I've seen plenty of stupid carry on over the years. You made a mistake and it sounds like you're paying the price now (and probably will for a while yet). He doesn't need to know about this. If you're sure it meant absolutely nothing and you've learned from this feck up, then move on. Good luck.

LegacyUser

It sounds like it will probably just eat away at you if you don't tell him it would be the same for me. I hate the thought that my partner could keep something like this from me I think in the long run if he found out some other way and knowing you didn't tell him first it would be a lot more damaging to the relationship. I think your first instincts were right though and you should tell him he at least deserves that.

LegacyUser

I'm so confused. The thoughts of seeing him in pain if I tell him is killing me, the thoughts of keeping a secret from him is as bad.

Sir_Name

Just my two cents...

From my own experience, cheating has an awful habit of getting out one way or another. I found out an ex had cheated on me once four yrs after we broke up!! Due to the length of time I wasn't upset maybe a bit miffed!!

If I were you, I would tell him. The longer you leave it the harder it will be. Personally I'd rather hear it from my partner than from someone else.

LegacyUser

Deanov wrote: »

Just my two cents...

From my own experience, cheating has an awful habit of getting out one way or another. I found out an ex had cheated on me once four yrs after we broke up!! Due to the length of time I wasn't upset maybe a bit miffed!!

If I were you, I would tell him. The longer you leave it the harder it will be. Personally I'd rather hear it from my partner than from someone else.

Thanks for that. If i'm telling him I want it to be for the right reasons, for him not for my own selfish guilt. I can see this causing huge problems if he doesn't break up with me that is. He was already paranoid because I wasn't answering my phone, and the fact I was in the pub with this guy. We were out before a while ago, and I was dancing with this guy (he was gay) and he was down looking over at me and getting his brother to keep coming over and checking on me. I got annoyed with him a few weeks ago for accusing me of being all over some fella, when I really wasn't. Now I feel like i've just gone and justified his paranoia.

Lorna123

I would not tell him jut to ease your conscience. You kissed another guy, so what? It is not like you are having an affair. The most important thing here is that you love your o/h and you don't intend doing this again. In my opinion you are blowing this way out of proportion. I would be putting this down to a mistake and that's all.

Drugs/drink is never an acceptable excuse for your actions. You did the deed, time to own up to it. Chances are he might find out at some point (you can't rule out the possibility 100%) and just imagine how much worse he'll feel then.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

Drugs/drink is never an acceptable excuse for your actions. You did the deed, time to own up to it. Chances are he might find out at some point (you can't rule out the possibility 100%) and just imagine how much worse he'll feel then.

I'm 98% sure he won't as he doesn't even know anyone involved, but I would be distraught if he found out through someone else. Your right drink is no excuse. I will be cutting right back if not stopping completely. If only i'd learned this lesson before it came to this.

Hackysack

I think it's very unlikely he'll find out about a kiss with a guy randomly on the street.

I'd be inclined to agree with the posters around not telling him. It's a stupid mistake that happened - we're only human. You completely regret your actions and felt that way almost instantly & you weren't yourself. Just take care of yourself and don't let it happen again.

The Corinthian

Occhio non vede. Cuore non duole (eye doesn't see. Heart doesn't ache).

You did bad, and you feel particularly bad as a result. If you confess, all you'll get is that he'll feel bad and your conscious will feel better. It hardly sounds as if you'd be doing him a favour.

So, I suggest you:

• Keep quiet.
• Never do it again.
• Don't drink whenever you're out without your other half - that's the price you must pay.
• Deal with your guilt - that is your penance.

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

Occhio non vede. Cuore non duole (eye doesn't see. Heart doesn't ache).

You did bad, and you feel particularly bad as a result. If you confess, all you'll get is that he'll feel bad and your conscious will feel better. It hardly sounds as if you'd be doing him a favour.

So, I suggest you:

• Keep quiet.
• Never do it again.
• Don't drink whenever you're out without your other half - that's the price you must pay.
• Deal with your guilt - that is your penance.

The only thing that is swaying me from keeping quiet is like someone mentioned years down the line, if we build a future together, I can barely look him in the eye as it is. How will I go our whole life with this secret. I'm terrible at lying, keeping secrets.

LegacyUser

Forget the politics. Tell him the truth because being truthful with your partner is the right thing to do and it allows you to move forward together without secrets.

WhydidIdoit

WhydidIdoit wrote: »

I'm 98% sure he won't as he doesn't even know anyone involved, but I would be distraught if he found out through someone else. Your right drink is no excuse. I will be cutting right back if not stopping completely. If only i'd learned this lesson before it came to this.

But there's still the 2% chance that he'll find out. Or you'll tell him in the future. Or you say it when drunk. Or many other options. I've always been a firm believer in tackling something before it gets the chance to become worse, which might happen if he finds it out like that.

If you don't tell him, can you live with the guilt? Honestly. You already seem pretty distraught about it right now.

The Corinthian

WhydidIdoit wrote: »

The only thing that is swaying me from keeping quiet is like someone mentioned years down the line, if we build a future together, I can barely look him in the eye as it is. How will I go our whole life with this secret. I'm terrible at lying, keeping secrets.

Then tell him FFS.

If you are fixed on a single course of action, then there's not much more you can get from us here - just tell him and live with the consequences.

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote: »

Then tell him FFS.

If you are fixed on a single course of action, then there's not much more you can get from us here - just tell him and live with the consequences.

I wasn't fixed on anything I wasn't going to tell him based on the overwhelming amount of people who thought it was a bad idea and the hurt it will cause him, but the thoughts of living with this and keeping it from him, are just as bad. I don't think my guilt will ease once I tell him, I think it will get worse to be honest.

fungun

You sound like the kind of person this will eat up. Id be the same. Id also be worried that if I ever had an argument with my friends that know about it they could hold it over me or worse, tell him without saying anything to me. I couldnt live my life living under that shadow.

At the end of the day you need to decide....imo you sound like you think you should tell him, but your friends are telling you not to. And a lot on here saying the same. My advice would be to listen to yourself, you will be the one living your life.

AnneElizabeth

I don't think you should tell him for fear that he will find out from someone else, I think you should tell him because he deserves to know and it's the right thing to do.

The guy you kissed didn't force himself on you, you kissed him back and regardless of whatever drugs you were on you were still conscious so a part of you did want to kiss him.

No matter what way you look at it you have cheated on your partner. If you're as upset as you say you are and you love your partner as much as you say you do, have some respect for him and your relationship and come clean.

There are two people in your relationship, it's not just about you and how awful you feel. You are the one who has done wrong and so he should be the one to decide if he wants the relationship to continue.

(Don't mean to sound harsh but I think you're being disrespectful to your relationship by not owning up).

StickyIcky

Part of everyone wants to kiss someone else who's hot esp when we're partying and on drugs etc. Your instinct animal mind took over and you did something that this poor bf if yours doesn't need to know about. Telling him might make you feel better but you worse. At the end of the day it is your choice but you have to ask what will it achieve? Learn from it and move on. Maybe it's a good thing. At least next time something dodgy almost happens you'll be so **** scared by this incident you'll run a mile. Don't tell him and deal with it. It's your **** up, you deal with it.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the advice guys. It's been really helpful. I told my bf last night, I couldn't have this secret from him. He said it was a really stupid thing to do, but he's not going to let it ruin what we have. I've never cried so much in my life. I told him it would never happen again and i'm gonna be more responsible with my drinking in future. I just hope we can work through this.

The Corinthian

WhydidIdoit wrote: »

I wasn't fixed on anything I wasn't going to tell him based on the overwhelming amount of people who thought it was a bad idea and the hurt it will cause him, but the thoughts of living with this and keeping it from him, are just as bad.

Fixed might have been too strong a term, but it is clearly the course of action you strongly favour and not telling him is clearly for you the harder option. I'm not the only one who's deduced this of you.

I don't think my guilt will ease once I tell him, I think it will get worse to be honest.

You will feel better - that's why we say confession is good for the soul. The consequences after that may be leave you worse off, but that's another discussion.

You came here not expecting a "torrent of abuse" for what you did, but actively seeking it. You're looking for punishment and/or absolution and it is natural that confession is the most obvious path to this.

You committed the 'perfect crime', as it were. A drunken snog with no witnesses. In practical terms, your other half will never learn of this unless you tell him. As far as crimes go, it was a bit of a misdemeanour, TBH.

But your psychological state is such that you don't trust yourself to remain silent. You're terrified that you'll blurt it out at some stage out of some phantom fear of his finding out (which he won't). There's a good chance you will tell him, as a result, regardless of what you say here, so at this stage you might as well just do so.

Nonetheless, as AnneElizabeth pointed out, telling him or not is really about you here. Don't kid yourself on that, regardless of what happens.

I'm glad this resolved so well OP
all the best