What can I do to help my mother she's depressed all the time?

LegacyUser

My mother is very depressed about everything her family , her whole life, she hasn't got a job. She struggles with money. She wants to move away somewhere else and I want to stay in the city. I told her to do what makes her happy.
She's finding it really hard. I'm 20 now. It's just my mother is depressed and always pessimistic . I didn't notice I'm never happy at home until now and it's because she brings me down at the same time. I did encourage her to maybe see a job advisor she dismissed that straight away , even work in retail or something.
I don't know what to say to her. The way she talks about giving her life for me. Makes feel really sorry for her that it's my fault her her ending up in this situation because she's always so upset. We also don't get along we are the complete opposite and constantly argue. I have savings from an accident I had when I was younger. I want to give her money possibly to set herself up . I don't know what to say or do she's upset about everything. Thats why I find myself happier away from home. I want to help her but I just feel I can't do anything everytime I try she dismisses it. She's also quite stubborn so it's hard talking to her about anything. I've told her she should do what she wants as long as it makes her happy but I feel she doesn't know what she wants herself.

She is also making me feel depressed at home. She's been saying how she's given up everything for me . Now she still has no job or anything , she hates her life, and her family . But I love the the whole family. She can't get a job and won't try and see's no future and spends her whole time struggling and has often said she'd be better off dead. It's made me feel as if she blames me for everything that it's my fault . She's pessimistic about everything it's bringing me down. I want to help but she dismisses everything I say. I just keep feeling that it's my fault that I've made her life be that with the way she goes on. I need to move out , I'm realising thats why I spend most of my time in my room because everytime I'm in the same room for long I end up feeling depressed and we end up in an argument. I have other stresses myself at the moment. I feel like she's going to think she's failed to make me grow up and go into education as I am considering not going to university. I don't know what to do , I just feel like my mother is angry at me for the way her life is like I haven't allowed her to be happy with hers. Is there anything I can do to help?. Should I speak to other family members maybe her sister?

Neyite

The best thing you can do is to live your life for YOU. She is manipulating you and its not fair. Bluntly, she chose to have you, and didnt "give up her life" for you. If you didnt come along she probably would have ended up the same way today anyway except maybe blaming someone else for her issues.

And they are her issues. Not yours. You cannot be responsible for someone else's happiness, only your own. She is an adult, and is capable of making choices in her life to change it. But she does not WANT to. Not as long as you are there as her convenient scapegoat.

Please have a read of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I have read on another forum that has a long-running thread about dysfunctional and narcissistic parents that its a popular book for their children to try and deal with the day to day effort of dealing with these emotional vampires.

But remember, its not you. It's HER.

pharmaton

Sounds to me as though your mother has done a good job raising you, you come across as responsible and sensitive and naturally you want to reach out and help her.
If you have money put aside and are financially independent then maybe it would do you both some good to put some space between you and find your own place to live for now.
While you haven't said as much it sounds like your mother raised you by herself, parenting alone can be extremely difficult especially if she hasn't had any support or involvement from others or family members, she sounds most likely exhausted emotionally, financially and mentally and if this has led to depression then as long as you are there you are going to be bound up in it too.
The best thing you can do is focus on your own welfare and hopefully this will spur your mother to find the help she needsto turn a corner too.
Hope everything works out for you both

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

I'm 20 , she has done a good job at raising me even though we don't get along.
Although all through the years I didn't really enjoy growing up at home.
We just constantly argue, she'd have to be right about everything, overly pessimistic .
I always stay in a room because I'm most comfortable it's like an escape to get away from her. I figured out just now as soon as I'm in the same room as her it's like I become a different person. Not as happy because she's talking negative constantly , I'm quiet as I want to avoid a argument. Usually I'm quiet but I am talkative and chatty, warm , friendly , helpful. This side only comes out around everyone else she probably sees that.

She gets angry easily over the small things I always have to say why are we turning this into an argument it's something small you're making this into something bigger than it should be. She brings up the past mistakes and she holds grudges.
Although she does have a caring side , she tries to be as helpful as she can be she wants to do her best, she loves animals. Even though sometimes her being helpful is more like criticism.
Her family she has 2 sisters 1 brother her other sister died a couple years ago. She gets along with all her sisters one more than the other but still talks. Her brother they did used to get along until recently. Her and her brother aren't speaking. I didn't know this and asked , Someone usually stays over my nans house. The brother asked who was staying tonight that he'd text their sister and find out if they were. But my mum already knew that sister wasn't saying and kept her mouth shut because my nan was in the room and didn't want to say. Only when he asked her afterwards she said. He got annoyed over that and said she was a horrible person and is getting worse as she gets older. Now they're not speaking. The family don't want to get involved. I simply said just trying to give advice why don't you tell him how you feel. As I know myself my mum can say things to me . I always forgive my mum holds grudges. Now she thinks I'm on their side. Now she's talking about how she wants to move away and not talk to anyone and be by herself.

Another situation recently , my mum doesn't drive yet . I've been doing the theory test had it since March/April the last one went out of date. My cousin texted me to ask if her boyfriend could borrow it for 2weeks I said yes. I told my mum this she then got annoyed that I didn't put her first that she wanted to use it. I told her "The disk has been there for months you haven't touched it I didn't think you were interested and you've been saying you want to drive for years and done nothing about it" She took it as an insult but I wasn't insulting her.
Sorry for the long post. So I am 20 I want to move out do I move into shared or on my own in a studio? Also student accommodation isn't an option.

pharmaton

House share would probably be better financially if thats an issue, it might also be good for you to experience living with other people and doing it on your own terms. I think at 20 you really do need to start spreading your wings even if its baby steps to begin with. Do you work op? If you decide you are not going to college have you thought about what you would like to do?
Its healthy to vent every now and then and hopefully once it's out of your system you can concentrate on getting on with your own life again.

LegacyUser

pharmaton wrote: »

House share would probably be better financially if thats an issue, it might also be good for you to experience living with other people and doing it on your own terms. I think at 20 you really do need to start spreading your wings even if its baby steps to begin with. Do you work op? If you decide you are not going to college have you thought about what you would like to do?
Its healthy to vent every now and then and hopefully once it's out of your system you can concentrate on getting on with your own life again.

I don't work , I do voluntary work to get experience and I've only started this summer.
I'd have to use my savings to pay for the rent, I'd need to workout a way and how much do spend during the year some kind of budget. I am very bad with money I'm an impulse buyer. I have enough to pay for rent I'm just trying to be as wise as I can as I'll only have this money once. I might put some away in bank for a few years to earn interest .
I was in college I'm in the process of dropping out because the course isn't right for me. I prefer the vocational courses. I'm looking into journalism I may take up a course just not in university. Swimming teaching I'll start as an assistant and complete the ATA and also do a life guard course to keep my options open. I'm open to moving away to another country UK/Australia or anywhere else if needed.

Neyite

Op journalism is an area that isn't doing too well these days. Less and less people are buying papers preferring to read online. That means less jobs and its much more competitive for graduates.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

Op journalism is an area that isn't doing too well these days. Less and less people are buying papers preferring to read online. That means less jobs and its much more competitive for graduates.

I know it's hard thats mainly a back up area I know I'm interested in doing some sort of writing. I don't know if I should take up a course.
I'm going to try swim teaching , I heard this is also hard but it will valid in both uk/ireland , if I do a lifeguard cert it's valid internationally .
I don't know what other careers I want, there isn't anything else.