Married a long time.. always been unhappy

LegacyUser

Where do I start ? I have been married over 20 years now. I have 2 grown boys and a girl of 12. The boys do their own thing and are grand all told. The girl who was unplanned is the most important and beautiful thing that has ever happened to me.

All good so far right? Wrong. The problems I have are massive and many. I had a business during the boom which employed several people, I went bust and now just work part time at a rubbish job. My wife does not work and only ever worked for a few weeks here and there during the entire course of our marriage. It was OK when I could support us but een then I was never comfortable with her sheer lack of ambition and downright laziness.

Whenever I brought it up that she could get a job especially in the good times all she would say is that she signed up to be a stay at home mother and that is what she is.

I am not saying she is a bad mother but she is extremely clingy and possessive not just with me but with our daughter. To give an example, we don't sleep together because my wife wants to sleep with my daughter and my daughter knows nothing else. I ha done everything I can to try to get my daughter to be more independent but it's no use,my wife has a hold over her that is too powerful. My wife has no friends and will not let my daughter out to play after school or let her take a walk to the shops in case she is kidnapped, that is the type of person she is,full of anxiety and fear.

There are lots of other issues...read on if you want to.

I try to keep fit and eat healthy, I run ,I lift ,i cycle or whatever. I am in good shape for my age and I have ambition.

My wife is grossly overweight and has been right through our marriage, again she just says she accepts herself the way she is and if I have a problem with that tough luck.

Our sex life is maybe once or twice a month and it's crap. We have so little in common.

Now my little girl has become obese herself and my eldest son has told me as far as he is concerned his other is just making a replica of herself in his little sister.

Money wise it's strange. I am unemployed (part time) and as I said have a low paying job.

The thing is I also have skills and I know that if I was so motivated I could somehow make a living without having to depend on Social. This might sound lazy but I am far from lazy just really unmotivated.

I see my friends whose wives have jobs and it makes me so envious. I know I can support my self without the need for Social welfare and I hate the soul destroying queuing up every week at the post office. But you see I just hate having to support her all the time and when it was busy in the past any money I made was generally wasted with holidays and big cars and everything else to fill the void.

I could go on for ever but in a nut shell I am desperately unhappy and if I had the money to finally leave I would,or at least I hope I would have the courage to but then again I know it would destroy my little girl who thinks the world of me. (Just realised I am posting this on father's day ! ) Anyway I want a life of my own, I want to teach my little girl to eat right to exercise to enjoy life and to become more independent...but I am blocked at every attempt. She has confided in me that she really wants to have more independence and my wife says she will get it once she goes to secondary school and not before.

There is so much more but you get the idea....thanks for reading.

jdsk2006

I'm sorry your so unhappy op. Correct me if I'm wrong but is it safe to say your thinking about ending your marraige? Or are you holding out hope that you will somehow get through to you wife and have your needs met?
I really feel for your daughter, and its up to you to address that situation. When you say you have been blocked, how exactly have ypu been blocked? In my mind you should be passing your athletic influence onto your daughter as a tool she will have for life. I can't see an issue wit taking her on a cycle, for a walk or to the pool for a swim or the back yard playing tennis etc.

your wife sounds like she has a lot of demons harboured tbh

LegacyUser

Thank you for your reply JDSK. Yes you are right I am thinking and have been thinking about ending the marriage for many years! As far back as I can remember we have had a dysfunctional relationship. I do take my daughter out for activities on a regular basis but the biggest problem is her diet which is just awful...and of course my wife panders to her by giving her sweets and donuts and chocolate etc, which is just what she eats. So even though she will get some exercise it all a bit pointless when she eats so poorly, as anyone who does exercise knows weight loss is 90% about diet after all. That is what I mean when I say I am being blocked.

jdsk2006

Ok i understand what you mean. Its time to sit your wife down for a serious chat. She needs to be told her chances of killing her child with food is much greater than the chances of a kidnapp.....well maybe that's a bad phrase tp use even if it is the truth!!

As for yourself, only you can make things change cos in all honesty she is probably never gping to change at this stage

December2012

Have you discussed going for relationship counselling?

Nymeria

Hi OP, I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

Most importantly, you owe it to yourself to create a better future for yourself. From the sounds of it, this marriage is making you miserable. Like the previous poster said, if you want you could suggest relationship counselling. However it sounds like the love is gone between you both, and that it would be best for you to contact a solicitor and find out information about divorce or separation.
You could very well find love and genuine affection in a new relationship, but that will not happen if you stagnate in this marriage hoping for things to change. You need to take action here, as your wife seems happy to plod along the way things are.

The issue with your wife smothering your daughter is very worrying; your daughter is not a baby, she's nearly a teenager and im sure she doesn't want her mother sleeping in with her anymore. For some reason your wife has not let go of the apron strings and this probably fulfills some dependency need in her to be her daughters best friend. However she will find that when your daughter becomes a teenager she may well rebel against this in search of her own life/ identity.

As for the weight issue, your daughter will no doubt be getting more aware of her body as she gets older and starts to notice boys; maybe you could sit her down without her mother one day and discuss how healthy food and exercise will help her be healthier and boost her confidence. If she buys into the idea of good food and exercise then you can bypass your wife altogether. You say that you take your daughter out for exercise and activities, which is great. What about cooking a healthy meal together as a bonding activity?

Is there any way one of your sons can talk to your wife about her behaviour? Is there anyone she would listen to?

Finally, in regards to your work situation, is there any way you could take up an evening course, or retrain to do something you like? Could you maybe start up a small business again doing something different, there are many different small enterprises thriving even though the recession has hit hard.

I wish you all the best, you sound like a good person in a bad situation.

future hope

OP Here again, I registered simply because it's a lot easier to post instead of having to go through the image verification rigmarole everytime! So anyway it's me.

I am very grateful for your replies it helps to have other people's slant on things.

Allow me to add a little more back round and answer some questions.

JDSK, I have tried on many many occasions to sit her down and explain that our daughters health and nutrition should be taken seriously but no dice, she makes these stupid comparisons with her aunt who is in her 80s and basically ate rubbish her whole life and guess what she is in rude health, then she will point out about her neighbour when she was a child who was a marathon runner and dropped dead of a heart attack at 45 and s on and on. Basically she is a believer of when your numbers up its up so you may as well enjoy the food that makes you happy (even though it just depresses the life out of her)

It's weird because in regards to my daughter sleeping in with her mother she (daughter) wants it this way. To be fair to my wife, she has said that come the school holidays she will make my daughter sleep in her own room and when she reaches secondary school she will let her walk on her own and go to friends houses etc. So it's a weird dynamic but it always comes down to whatever my wife decides, she is the decision maker and always has been. My son even though he has moved out and has his own life would be scared stiff to mention anything to his mother,in fact we all are sadly. She is not a bad person but she lives in her own world and is not interested in anyone other than some family, she doesn't do friends. She has no hobbies no interests and no passion for anything except for raising her family.

Nymeria you have made a lot of valid points and I am grateful to you for taking the time.

Your right this marriage is making me miserable, can you tell . You say that perhaps I could find genuine love in a new relationship.....I dream about that everyday, I have a lot of love to give to the right person!


As for actually splitting up .... this is where all sorts of complications arise.

First of all we are well behind on the mortgage but we are not in negative equity, however selling up would not leave much. Now comes all my fears, how does my little girl cope with her dad not around everyday like she is used to? What damage will it do to her if we split up? Are kids really that resilient?

I feel it's a case of me putting my happiness above hers and the guilt of that just kills me ye know? I get visions of her starting secondary school and the shame of telling her friends that Dad left and how she would cope or not cope.

I do have a business idea, I have tested the waters and I know it will work so I can support myself. The thoughts alone of getting away from the dole is enough for me to try to pursue this. However I don't have the drive to do it within the confines of my marriage, I gotta be on my own to really make it work, I dunno if you can understand this?

There is more, a lot more but I would bore you all !

I do have some money put aside that would allow me to leave, enough to rent a place for a few months while I get my business of the ground. It's the guilt that holds me back. It's the fear that stops me. It's the truth of consequence be it good or bad. I need to make that first step....

ivytwine

future hope wrote: »

It's weird because in regards to my daughter sleeping in with her mother she (daughter) wants it this way. To be fair to my wife, she has said that come the school holidays she will make my daughter sleep in her own room and when she reaches secondary school she will let her walk on her own and go to friends houses etc. So it's a weird dynamic but it always comes down to whatever my wife decides, she is the decision maker and always has been.
First of all we are well behind on the mortgage but we are not in negative equity, however selling up would not leave much. Now comes all my fears, how does my little girl cope with her dad not around everyday like she is used to? What damage will it do to her if we split up? Are kids really that resilient?

I feel it's a case of me putting my happiness above hers and the guilt of that just kills me ye know? I get visions of her starting secondary school and the shame of telling her friends that Dad left and how she would cope or not cope.

Hey OP, my parents were split up. It's funny, when I was in primary school there was ONE other kid, in the whole school whose parents were split up. Then in secondary school more break-ups started to occur. By the time I was in college I had one of my friends say she felt like the odd one out for being from a 'traditional' family unit! I doubt things are like they were then (90s). She won't be alone, she won't be an outcast.

Your daughter will understand. I know my parents would have just made each other miserable and they're better off apart.

I know people who have suffered with their parents together in loveless marriages for years and to be really blunt they're far more ****ed up than I am.

Do you think there's any way back for you and your wife? You must have loved each other once. She can't be happy either. Do you think she'd go to counselling with you? She's smothering your daughter and my one worry would be that'd get worse if you leave. Do you think there's any way for you to get custody if you did leave, would your son help you out there?

future hope

ivytwine wrote: »

Hey OP, my parents were split up. It's funny, when I was in primary school there was ONE other kid, in the whole school whose parents were split up. Then in secondary school more break-ups started to occur. By the time I was in college I had one of my friends say she felt like the odd one out for being from a 'traditional' family unit! I doubt things are like they were then (90s). She won't be alone, she won't be an outcast.

Your daughter will understand. I know my parents would have just made each other miserable and they're better off apart.

I know people who have suffered with their parents together in loveless marriages for years and to be really blunt they're far more ****ed up than I am.

Do you think there's any way back for you and your wife? You must have loved each other once. She can't be happy either. Do you think she'd go to counselling with you? She's smothering your daughter and my one worry would be that'd get worse if you leave. Do you think there's any way for you to get custody if you did leave, would your son help you out there?

Thanks ivytwine, it's nice to hear from people with first hand experience of their parents splitting up. The biggest issue of all when I think about it is the disruption to her life, it's not like I have the luxury of just letting my wife keep the house , we would have to let it go and that means renting and all the insecurity that that entails.

Eventually we may lose the house anyhow but right now there has been no threat of action from the bank to repossess.

It doesn't bother me to rent personally, I am quite good with change, but I don't know how she would cope. I also know the guilt trip that my wife would lay on me might be too much to take. Also she has often mentioned that she would move back to her home town if we split and that to me is really selfish because all my daughters school friends and what little life she now has are here. I suppose its something I have to weigh up and its never easy for anyone I guess.

You ask about counselling, been there done that didn't work. As I say my biggest worry is the effect on my little girl. I am just going to keep trying for now I suppose.

LegacyUser

Ok I'm going to be contraversial here. I think you should stay in the family home until your daughter leaves school.

Principally cos you seem to be the only person fighting for the other side. If she still likes sleeping with her Mam, then she's obviously still very young in herself. But once she's in 1st Yr, thats gonna stop. She'll realise its babyish. She'll start to pull back. It could be slow, but from my experience it's shocking how much they accelerate once they hot secondary school. And mothers bear the brunt of the change. Suddenly it's all "WhatEVER Mam...."

So I would expect your wife to be facing into a few years she's dreading. There'll be a lot of fights and tears - what happens when she's 16 and wants to drink Ritz and kiss boys?

From the sounds of it, your wife will only release the reins a teeny tiny bit. Life may start to become very hard on your daughter. And if you are living elsewhere, how can you be at her back? Sure, she could ring you to complain - but would she? And risk WW3? With you marching down to the house roaring at her Mam? Probably not.

Whereas if you are in the house you can really help her out in real time. I just think that if your daughter is the most important thing in your life, then leaving her when she's heading into what will doubtless be a fraught few years wouldn't help her when the control exerted by hour wife is so all-consuming.

I do think you should ultimately leave your wife. But from the sounds of it, your sons skedaddled as soon as they could. Your daughter will most likely want to as well. Your wife will presumably want to keep her at home all through college, but you can help encourage her to pick courses further away if you feel thats best. But I do think that after the Leaving the clock will be ticking on how much influence your wife will be able to have over your daughter and you can go without regret.

But in the meantime, who will be there to push back against your wifes influence if you're living away? And how could you afford maintenance anyway?

I think this will be an unpopular opinion. And normally I'd say to leave when a marriage had broken down this much. But in this case I think your daughter will benefit more from you remaining in the house.

Roselm

future hope wrote: »

Thanks ivytwine, it's nice to hear from people with first hand experience of their parents splitting up. The biggest issue of all when I think about it is the disruption to her life, it's not like I have the luxury of just letting my wife keep the house , we would have to let it go and that means renting and all the insecurity that that entails.

Eventually we may lose the house anyhow but right now there has been no threat of action from the bank to repossess.

It doesn't bother me to rent personally, I am quite good with change, but I don't know how she would cope. I also know the guilt trip that my wife would lay on me might be too much to take. Also she has often mentioned that she would move back to her home town if we split and that to me is really selfish because all my daughters school friends and what little life she now has are here. I suppose its something I have to weigh up and its never easy for anyone I guess.

You ask about counselling, been there done that didn't work. As I say my biggest worry is the effect on my little girl. I am just going to keep trying for now I suppose.

Do you think your daughter would definitely want to stay with her mum rather than move in with you if you and her mum split?

future hope

Roselm wrote: »

Do you think your daughter would definitely want to stay with her mum rather than move in with you if you and her mum split?

She idolises her mammy to be honest and she idolises me also she is a great kid through and through. That's why it would break my heart to break hers if you know what I mean. It's a difficult situation because as was pointed out already by Ivytwine if I leave I am sure the smothering by her mother will indeed get worse. Her mother is by no means a bad person, she is honest and caring but just full of fear and has to control everything around her. I did love her once yes and I still do in my own way but if there is one thing that has always been missing since we married it's that sense of abandon, there is no spontaneity ,no spark between us and simply put no joy.

future hope

Locopela wrote: »

Ok I'm going to be contraversial here. I think you should stay in the family home until your daughter leaves school.

Principally cos you seem to be the only person fighting for the other side. If she still likes sleeping with her Mam, then she's obviously still very young in herself. But once she's in 1st Yr, thats gonna stop. She'll realise its babyish. She'll start to pull back. It could be slow, but from my experience it's shocking how much they accelerate once they hot secondary school. And mothers bear the brunt of the change. Suddenly it's all "WhatEVER Mam...."

So I would expect your wife to be facing into a few years she's dreading. There'll be a lot of fights and tears - what happens when she's 16 and wants to drink Ritz and kiss boys?

From the sounds of it, your wife will only release the reins a teeny tiny bit. Life may start to become very hard on your daughter. And if you are living elsewhere, how can you be at her back? Sure, she could ring you to complain - but would she? And risk WW3? With you marching down to the house roaring at her Mam? Probably not.

Whereas if you are in the house you can really help her out in real time. I just think that if your daughter is the most important thing in your life, then leaving her when she's heading into what will doubtless be a fraught few years wouldn't help her when the control exerted by hour wife is so all-consuming.

I do think you should ultimately leave your wife. But from the sounds of it, your sons skedaddled as soon as they could. Your daughter will most likely want to as well. Your wife will presumably want to keep her at home all through college, but you can help encourage her to pick courses further away if you feel thats best. But I do think that after the Leaving the clock will be ticking on how much influence your wife will be able to have over your daughter and you can go without regret.

But in the meantime, who will be there to push back against your wifes influence if you're living away? And how could you afford maintenance anyway?

I think this will be an unpopular opinion. And normally I'd say to leave when a marriage had broken down this much. But in this case I think your daughter will benefit more from you remaining in the house.

Locopela I am sorry I only now noticed your post, what you say is in a way what I didn't want to hear but also what I have been thinking, you are right!
I cannot possibly entertain the idea of abandoning my little girl when she is about to enter the most formative years of her life, I am going to stay it is my duty and even though I may be miserable at times I am just going to make the best of it,one day when she grows up I will leave but not now. I also am going to make a go of my little business idea...there is no point waiting any longer and it will give me something to drive me forward, thank you !

AnnyHallsal

Good luck to you. You sound like a nice man and a very loving father. It's sad that the love between you and your wife is long gone but it seems like you've resolved your path. More energy for your business I suppose.