Friends with benefits, very confused

LegacyUser

Will keep this short(ish). Been friends with a guy for over a yr, made plans to hook up but stuff happened (he started seeing someone else) and it didn't, and we ended up being really close friends. He ended it with her for me and we hooked up, he was weird with me afterwards initially worried it would ruin our friendship. Two months later he ended it completely with me and wanted us to both meet other people. I did, I started seeing someone and he couldn't hack it. Long story short he ended up telling me that he loved me (during a massive fight, wtf?) and hasn't said it since. We started to see each other after this, because we both realised we were only messing other people around and we wanted each other but that there was "no labels".

We hit a rocky patch after the last time we had sex, and it almost destroyed our friendship but we seem to be getting back on track. Thing is we don't see each other a lot we don't live near by, so when we arrange to meet its usually to have sex.

I invited him to my house last night, he came and we watched movies in bed and he cuddled me and rubbed my head, he left his hand on my leg and was being sweet, during the night he woke me up with kisses and during the night later he woke me up him sleepy pulling my arm round him to spoon him. We spent all day in bed together, me asleep on his chest, kisses, headrubs, and all that but he didn't try it on with me once (and its been 2 months! )

Now I'm upset, I don't know what's going on, I feel like he's completely gone off me and I don't know what is going on in his head, because he won't tell me. Feelings were never supposed to get in the way in our arrangement. Just looking for advice on what to do I guess.

Stavro Mueller

This sounds like an awful lot of hard work for an arrangement that's supposedly sex only. It's easy to say feelings shouldn't get in the way of an arrangement like this but it does happen. You can't just turn emotions on and off like a tap.

My interpretation of this is that your friend wants something more than just sex but isn't handling it very well. What do you want from this? If it's just sex, then pulling back from this arrangement sounds like the best solution.

msg11

Sounds like this guy has something on his mind to be honest, kind of thinking maybe is you and him the right idea. I always use the term flapping, him turning things with you on and off is a classic case of the flapping.

To be honest just ask him if there's a problem. Could be that his sex drive is not as high as you might have thought or he might not have wanted sex, yes men sometimes don't want sex !

LegacyUser

We talked about this a few times. When he ended it first he said it had started to feel like a relationship and that he had made it clear at the beginning that he did not want a relationship. He admitted that he had started to have feelings for me and that ending it then would have stopped a world of pain, and neither of us would end up heartbroken.

I started meeting someone else, we remained super close friends and it bothered him big time. We were fighting when he shouted that he loved me, then later told me he wasn't sure he meant it, that love and being in love were two different things and he hasn't said it since. I do love him, and I tell him that. He never says it back, but somehow I'm ok with that because I'm really frightened of being hurt and I think hearing it would push me into a false sense of security.

He is special, I tend to keep men at arms length, I was sexually assaulted when I was 17 and since then have found it hard to get close and maintain a close relationship with a man. I ended my last (and only proper) relationship because I realised I loved him, and so me saying this to my fwb is a big deal for me.

I have a lot going on in my life and I wouldn't be the most stable of people and I think this stresses him out a lot. When we were going through our rough patch he said it felt like we were in a relationship and a relationship that was taking a severe nose dive.

We did have a lovely weekend together, he was super sweet, super cuddly, fed me chocolate in bed, all that kind of stuff, it was just the sex that was the big thing for me. Usually when we hang out its first on the agenda, and this weekend he didn't want to touch me at all.

I'm really upset about it and don't know what to say or how to bring it up with him. I just feel like I'm being a complete eejit for him, that he's holding all the cards, I'm the one with feelings, scary ones, I'm the one that still wants him, ect and I don't know what to do my head is completely melted.