Lack of affection/sex

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

With my bf about 18 months now, in our early twenties. Lately I have noticed a distinct lack of any kind of affection from my bf. When we started dating he seemed really happy and crazy about me and he was quite affectionate. I know thats bound to calm down a bit but is to the point where when we meet I might get a peck on the lips and the odd hug. He never tries to kiss me unless he wants sex. He doesnt even spoon me in bed anymore, or even attempt to really cuddle me at all. I'm beginning to feel like we are just friends

The sex... has never been very frequent. When we started seeing each other it would be 1-2 times a week, some weeks more. In the last six months it has probably gone down to once a week. Sometimes more. It used to be great sex and lately it just seems like its all about him, his favourite positions, his orgasm. Whenever he wants to have sex he'll basically text me early in the day and say "I wanna bang later" or else he'll just start kissing me when he sees me. He literally never kisses me properly unless he wants to have sex. So whenever it starts it just feels really planned and routine, theres no spontaneity. Don't get me wrong I don't leave it all up to him, I initiate sex a fair amount and give him bjs quite a bit. He never offers to go down on me. We went on holidays recently for 4 days. I initiated a bj one of the days but apart from that there was no intimacy or affection. I asked him at the end how he enjoyed the trip and he said "would have been better if we had banged". And yet he didn't initiate anything?!

I guess without any affection sometimes I just don't feel that close to him and its starting to build up as resentment. Theres no romance. Every night we spend together, if he wakes up first in the morning he'll be straight on his phone (reddit and facebook) instead of cuddling or trying it on.

I've tried to talk to him before and he said he'd try harder but it literally lasted one day. My thoughts are a jumble sorry but is this normal? I know I have to talk to him about it again but I don't know where to begin.

Neyite

Well, I'd say its all in the language he uses. Its just about "banging" to him, by the sounds of it. He is not interested in intimacy in the real sense of the word, or providing you with pleasure. He is selfish, and you are irrelevant to him unless he wants to have sex, his way.

Ugh! Why waste your time on a self-centered man like that?

moy83

Banged ??? You would be better off banging a brick wall than someone that talks like that .
He sounds like an ignoramus that doesnt deserve a girlfriend until he can speak properly to one

desbrook

You are very lucky OP. After just 18 months you've discovered this guys true colours . You've also learned how important intimacy is to you in a relationship and how unimportant it is to some ( men and women) Don't waste your time trying to change him - replace him!

If you're happy with him and he's good in every other aspect of the relationship, then sit him down and have a talk with him about it. However, if you're not, then move on.

Sex isn't just a one sided thing - it makes it so much better when it goes both ways.

msg11

Sounds quite clear that he is only interested in the sex and only gets his finger out when you mention it, maybe due to fear of the tap turning off. 18 months is not a long time, he should be still making an effort and not leaving it all up to you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. Im afraid now my OP didnt portray his character properly. Its hard not to just type all the problems. Hes a great guy apart from these issues, he spends a lot of time with me and seems to care about me a great deal. I am in no doubt that he loves me.

Which is why its so hard to understand why there is no affection.. I don't think hes just in it for sex, if that was the case would he not be trying harder to have sex with me? He has never had a long term relationship before me (I have) and I think hes just assuming that after a certain amount of time less effort needs to be put in.

Saying that, he can be somewhat selfish too. I really don't know what to make of it anymore

ShaShaBear

sadpanda146 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. Im afraid now my OP didnt portray his character properly. Its hard not to just type all the problems. Hes a great guy apart from these issues, he spends a lot of time with me and seems to care about me a great deal. I am in no doubt that he loves me.

Which is why its so hard to understand why there is no affection.. I don't think hes just in it for sex, if that was the case would he not be trying harder to have sex with me? He has never had a long term relationship before me (I have) and I think hes just assuming that after a certain amount of time less effort needs to be put in.

Saying that, he can be somewhat selfish too. I really don't know what to make of it anymore

I dated a man very like this a few years back. When we first started seeing each other, it was like you couldn't get him off me. We only got to see each other once a week if that. When I moved for college (where he was also attending, but not why I moved), he was coming down every day, and I mean every day. But almost never for sex. It got to the stage where I was getting a peck on the lips in the morning before college, and that was it. Actually, on one spell from September until November we had sex twice. Once was when he was drunk. The other was my birthday (and it's worth mentioning that 5 minutes in he decided he wanted anal, so it was that or nothing).

I brought it up twice. The first time he apologised and said he does find me stimulating and attractive, but he's never had an overly large sex drive, and sometimes it doesn't occur to him. The second time he got quite snappy and seemed to suggest that I had a bit of a problem. Later I found a whole envelope of pictures of him and his ex in his sock drawer. Didn't take me long to figure it out :rolleyes: About two weeks after we split (ironically, it was amicable as he wanted to move to Canada), his sister informed me that he had invited his ex over for dinner twice. She rejected him, just like she did before, and it wasn't long before he started messaging me again.

His "banging" notions towards you are not very symbolic of an 18 month relationship. Especially not if you have recently been on holidays. Things do calm down, yes, but you're still relatively fresh as far as a relationship goes. You need to sit him down and talk to him again.