Different expectations

LegacyUser

Hi I’m just wondering what your thoughts on this are; apologies for the bit of a rant
I met a lovely girl about 2.5 years ago and I thought that she was the one, I was very attracted to her and she had a teenage daughter who she introduced to me after a couple of months. This was the first time I have ever had a relationship with a single parent and boy was it an eye opener!.
We went on a weekly date at the start and holidayed together as a couple and even the 3 of us would holiday with extended family which went very well, the 2 of them went off on a few trips on their own as well, then things sort of settled down and I used to go over to her house most days after the initial bedding in period, and she would make me nice dinners and was(and still is) an all-round lovely person., I would clean up after dinner and we would relax in the evenings mostly the 3 of us – some night I was out doing my own hobbies etc. I even offered to mind the daughter or pick her up when her mum had something on but she would usually ask someone in the family, I used to stay over once a week on a Friday or Saturday night- the odd night I would bring them both out for some food.
I don’t want to make a big issue of it because it wasn’t really, but I suppose I had a few ripples with her daughter being disrespectful and rude to me but on the other side we got on reasonably well together –after a few initial mistakes where I tried to intervene directly I decided to take a back seat and adopt the approach that if she didn’t bother me I wouldent give her a hard time, however I sort of knew that the daughter didn’t want me around so I decided to keep out of their hair a bit- I was hoping over time her mam would make room for me. When I saw her getting too out of line I would have a quiet word with the mam however I always got the impression that she wasn’t interested in my opinion.
I’m in my 30s and I know my own shortcomings and I suppose I was looking for some security and a sense of control over the situation and when I did try to have the “where do you see things going” chat she got very evasive and angry that I had these concerns because I didn’t like living between the 2 houses and I was hoping at this stage that maybe the next step was to move in together, she really wasn’t interested even though she kept me happy by giving me a bit of drawer space for a few of my bits (some would say that was nice of her-but in my mind it felt like a token effort)and I supposed I withdrew a bit from the situation because I became unhappy with the part time nature of the situation-I felt like the woman in the relationship nearly like a piece of meat and it knocked my self-esteem.I was hoping it was leading to something more-she said she wasn’t ready for me to move in with her and her daughter and I had to show her that it could work..I said what the hell have I been trying for do for the last 2 years and that I couldn’t guarantee anything other than I would do my best. In a row She said she didn’t want to be a housewife to anybody and my response was how could you be a housewife to me when I don’t live here??? She then said that she had no intention of ever getting married and I walked off- I just didn’t think it was fair to drop that bombshell after that long when she never gave me that impression in all our time together-I walked away and haven’t spoken to her since that row was a few days ago…….I’m very disappointed …thoughts appreciated…

ahnow

Hi there,
Just a few things that stood out in your post, you seem to be over in her house quite a lot, would she come to yours ever? Or stay the night in your place? Perhaps you are on her turf a bit too much and maybe ye could even it out a bit and go between yours and her place instead? You said she cooks the dinners-do you ever cook the dinners? She said she doesnt want to be a housewife to anyone, I could be wrong but reading that to me it sounds like she means she doesnt want to have to fulfill the old fashioned housewife role, doing all the housework, cooking the dinners etc. Do you ever ask her to your house? Its easier to cook dinners and take a more active role when youre in your own home, maybe show her that if that's the case? Apologies if it isnt.
In relation to the teenager. She has every right to be rude to you if she wants to, Im afraid. It's her house you're in, not yours, you're not her father, you're a strange man coming in spending time in her living areas, you know?
Might do you good to sit down and have a proper level headed chat with your girlfriend and see what exactly she wants and doesnt want, and go from there. Best of luck.

Goldenlady

Hi OP, you need to sit down and talk it through. As your thread say, perhaps ye both have different expectations. you will need to decide what you are willing to accept for the future, or if there is a future. I have been in your position - ex had 3 kids, but I never fully moved in with him even after 8 years (Seems silly now when I write it!) I think when people have been burnt and kids are involved they are almost afraid to completely open up their lives again. You need to decide what you want and need from this relationship, and decide if its time to walk away. Sorry I dont really have much other advice, but it is hard when there is a child involved. I think only she can tell you how she feels. Best of luck with it x

LegacyUser

OP here,

Ive had the chat, I suppose everytime I mentioned it , she mentioned her daughter, I suppose my reasoning was that me and the daughter knew each other as well as we would at this stage and I suppose I was trying to get a sense of control over the situation that I felt I was making no progress on, when i told her that things wernt working for me at the moment her response was bluntly "the ball is in your court" so I suppose I have decided not to waste any more time and move on.
Thanks for the replys Im sorry to hear about the woman that was hanging in for 8 years- im sorry i still dont think its right to be rude no matter whos house it is.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again, sorry for bringing this up again, its about 6 weeks after and im not taking it very well...im totally confused...when we parted she was very upset said she loved me etc. and I said the feeling was mutual and that i hoped she would come back to me...and i also said to her that she will meet someone she is mad about she will want to make room in her life for them...i was really mad about this girl and im wondering was i too demanding? if im honest it wasnt quite working but I would have held in there in the hope that things would improve...now im worse..completely all over the place now...

desbrook

Things won't change - you want different things. A lot of single parents very much want commitment, to settle down and some like your now ex really gaurd their independence fiercely often to their detrement.
The first rule in a relationship is to be true to yourself. You were getting as much commitment/involvement as she was prepared to give and you weren't happy . Recognise that.

suicide_circus

stick with it OP, you made the right decision. if you love someone, set them free etc

LegacyUser

thanks to the prevous 2 posters...your advice hs been very comforting... i suppose on an attraction level and day to day level we were a match but she wanted a part time boyfriend and i wanted a more serious commitment...whats so annoying is how someone can waste your time for so long..

Goldenlady

Op, take it from the person who hung on for 8 years!! im glad you made this decision, she would have happily kept you there for as long as you were willing to stay. its going to be tough for a while, a good while, but just keep remembering why you did it. you wanted different things, and you would end up resenting her if you stayed. good luck x