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how would you react??

  • 13-06-2013 9:17pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7


    Ok, was talkin to this guy from a dating site and we flirted etc, never met up! I then got back wit my boyfriend of about 5 years , i continued to message this guy now and again, the messages became very flirty at times and i once said ( thinkin now i have no idea why i said it, cause its not true at all at all) if i met up wit you i prop wouldn't have got back wit my boyfriend. Its not true, and maybe i was angry at my boyfriend at the time, i had plenty of chances to meet up wit him but i didn't! Ok so my boyfriend snoops at my facebook and sees the messages, last message to him was about 9 months again however i was wit him while i still flirted wit the online dude!

    How would you react?

    (keeping in mind i love my boyfriend sooo much and i more likely just wanted attention,)


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    If I was your boyfriend (I'm female), I'd be absolutely furious to be honest. You were supposed to be working on fixing your relationship after getting back together, but you used another guy for validation. You also messed the other guy around. What you did was horrible, to be blunt.

    You need to figure out why you did what you did, why you felt you needed that attention and validation from somebody other than your boyfriend, and explain yourself and your reasons to your boyfriend. I don't mean make excuses, there are no excuses, but explain why you did it, and that you want to move on from it. Then, if he gives you the chance, do everything in your power to help him trust you again, perhaps relationship counselling, or possibly some counselling for yourself.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7 teamactimel


    Esoteric_ wrote: »
    If I was your boyfriend (I'm female), I'd be absolutely furious to be honest. You were supposed to be working on fixing your relationship after getting back together, but you used another guy for validation. You also messed the other guy around. What you did was horrible, to be blunt.

    You need to figure out why you did what you did, why you felt you needed that attention and validation from somebody other than your boyfriend, and explain yourself and your reasons to your boyfriend. I don't mean make excuses, there are no excuses, but explain why you did it, and that you want to move on from it. Then, if he gives you the chance, do everything in your power to help him trust you again, perhaps relationship counselling, or possibly some counselling for yourself.

    I know what i did was really really bad! And im thankful he has decided to give me another chance, i just don't no how to build his trust up, without counselling.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    I know what i did was really really bad! And im thankful he has decided to give me another chance, i just don't no how to build his trust up, without counselling.

    If you don't know how to do it without counselling, then go to counselling. You want to do everything you can to save the relationship, I assume? So suggest counselling either for yourself or for the relationship. It might help you figure out what went on in your head to make you do that, and could give you both some clarity and help him to see that you're really trying to fix things.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 915 ✭✭✭judgefudge


    Yeah I'd be really pissed off and upset if I were your boyfriend. If you were back with him you should have been concentrating on that relationship not flirty texting some other guy (whether it was genuine flirting or not). To be honest if I found out a boyfriend had done the same thing I'd be well out of there.

    Just imagine reading messages from your boyfriend To another woman saying you wouldn't be with him if he had met her. You'd feel absolutely betrayed and insignificant


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    Well, I think if you're still flirting with the other guy and attention-seeking, then it's time to split. You're not ready to give your full attention to your bloke.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    If it happened to me I'd be struggling to trust you again. Your boyfriend obviously suspected something was up - otherwise why would he have been snooping in your Facebook messages. In order to pull this one out of the fire you are going to have to be very honest with him and explain why you felt the need to do what you did.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    It would make me feel disgust for you. Trust would be a non-issue really, the feelings of contempt would make it irrelevant.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    So many times on this forum we see people chastised and berated for invading their boyfriends / girlfriends / husbands / wifes privacy, and yet here we are berating the OP instead of pointing out that her boyfriend didn't trust her in the first place when they got back together if they weren't long back together when he went snooping.

    I know this is facebook and all but look at the timeline - the OP hadn't been in contact with the other guy in NINE MONTHS. That's nearly a year after they had first got back together after being together for five years previously.

    I wouldn't be so quick to judge the OP without knowing more background to the situation tbh. I have a feeling that right now the OP is fixating on the more immediate problem of making up with her boyfriend, and perhaps might fall into the trap of going overboard to try and earn his trust again, thereby allowing the boyfriend to hold, what, the fact that they'd only just gotten back together and the OP may have been not feeling too good about herself since their previous breakup and the guy she met on facebook gave her the confidence boost she needed?

    There isn't that much to go on what the previous five years of the relationship were like from the OP, that's more what intrigues me and the reason for their breaking up the first time.

    There have been threads here before where there's been a complete turnabout of opinion when the OP gave a little more background to the situation, so I wouldn't be so quick to judge the OP in this case.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7 teamactimel


    Czarcasm wrote: »
    So many times on this forum we see people chastised and berated for invading their boyfriends / girlfriends / husbands / wifes privacy, and yet here we are berating the OP instead of pointing out that her boyfriend didn't trust her in the first place when they got back together if they weren't long back together when he went snooping.

    I know this is facebook and all but look at the timeline - the OP hadn't been in contact with the other guy in NINE MONTHS. That's nearly a year after they had first got back together after being together for five years previously.

    I wouldn't be so quick to judge the OP without knowing more background to the situation tbh. I have a feeling that right now the OP is fixating on the more immediate problem of making up with her boyfriend, and perhaps might fall into the trap of going overboard to try and earn his trust again, thereby allowing the boyfriend to hold, what, the fact that they'd only just gotten back together and the OP may have been not feeling too good about herself since their previous breakup and the guy she met on facebook gave her the confidence boost she needed?

    There isn't that much to go on what the previous five years of the relationship were like from the OP, that's more what intrigues me and the reason for their breaking up the first time.

    There have been threads here before where there's been a complete turnabout of opinion when the OP gave a little more background to the situation, so I wouldn't be so quick to judge the OP in this case.

    Thank you, was really starting to feel like the worse person in the world! Ok yea i should have given more information,

    anyway we ended our relationship that time because i felt like he wasn'ts showing any affection to me, (im not an attention seeking person, i was lookin at the little things in relationships like holding hands, cuddling, complimenting, etc) so i ended up tryin to force him to do it and he withdrew, so we ended it!

    When we got back together, we moved in together after month wit my friends. Which in itself was hard (i was in the middle of everything) he broke up wit a girl he had a relationship wit online and was VERY secretive about his laptop locking it to go outside for few mins! And it was my final year of college! So was bit stressful!

    however im Not makin excuses for what i did!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Can you clarify something. Was he messaging his online girl while he was with you?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7 teamactimel


    cymbaline wrote: »
    Can you clarify something. Was he messaging his online girl while he was with you?

    Yea, he messaged her a few times! (harmless he said) And i knew so it made me worried and insecure. But yea he would lock his computer ALOT and his phone was locked aswell!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    Yea, he messaged her a few times! (harmless he said) And i knew so it made me worried and insecure. But yea he would lock his computer ALOT and his phone was locked aswell!

    Wait. So it's okay for him to do it, but not you? Jesus, talk about double standards!

    If he can't trust you, point out that he can't expect you to trust him when he did the same thing. It's something you BOTH need to work on, as you've both made a mistake.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Why are you together?

    The relationship didn't work before, he was flirting online while you were together, so did you.

    The relationship isn't working.

    Why won't you go to counselling?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7 teamactimel


    Esoteric_ wrote: »
    Wait. So it's okay for him to do it, but not you? Jesus, talk about double standards!

    If he can't trust you, point out that he can't expect you to trust him when he did the same thing. It's something you BOTH need to work on, as you've both made a mistake.

    He said that its totally different with me because i flirted he (supposedly) didn't! Ill tell you why im writing this, it happened about 5 months ago, however yesterday we had big argument about him STILL messaging her and he said he cant take me seriously, about bein annoyed at him over that, after what i did!! Cause it was much worse!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7 teamactimel


    Esoteric_ wrote: »
    Wait. So it's okay for him to do it, but not you? Jesus, talk about double standards!

    If he can't trust you, point out that he can't expect you to trust him when he did the same thing. It's something you BOTH need to work on, as you've both made a mistake.

    He said that its totally different with me because i flirted he (supposedly) didn't! Ill tell you why im writing this, it happened about 5 months ago, however yesterday we had big argument about him STILL messaging her and he said he cant take me seriously, about bein annoyed at him over that, after what i did!! Cause it was much worse!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    He said that its totally different with me because i flirted he (supposedly) didn't! Ill tell you why im writing this, it happened about 5 months ago, however yesterday we had big argument about him STILL messaging her and he said he cant take me seriously, about bein annoyed at him over that, after what i did!! Cause it was much worse!

    He's STILL messaging her?

    By saying he can't take you seriously, he's just trying to pass all the blame onto you and ignore what he's done.

    I'm not being smart, taking what you've done out of the equation, can you see yourself staying with somebody who is constantly texting another woman?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,411 ✭✭✭ABajaninCork


    Well, I think if you're still flirting with the other guy and attention-seeking, then it's time to split. You're not ready to give your full attention to your bloke.

    Like I said. Time to move on. Seems neither of you are ready to commit to this relationship...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I assume you're in your early twenties at most and you've been together since your teens. Maybe it's time to draw a line under this and move on. People change a lot during their teens and early twenties. Perhaps this relationship has run its course.

    What's happening now is unhealthy. While what you did could be interpreted as being wrong, the additional information you've given us has thrown a completely new light on the story. Either both of you trust each other and are prepared to wipe the slate clean or you're at nothing. Your past misdemeanours should be just that. It does not give your boyfriend the right to tell you he can't take you seriously any more or give him a valid reason to keep messaging this other girl. It's double standards here. From the limited information you've given us here, I think you are the one who's getting the sharp end of the stick here.

    It looks like neither of you trust each other any more. He obviously didn't because he snooped in your Facebook account. You're telling us about him being secretive and being in contact with this girl. To rewind your story back to why you broke up in the first place, I wonder is this relationship on its uppers anyway? You broke up in the first place over lack of affection on your boyfriend's behalf. Your online flirtation with this other guy could be interpreted as a cry for affection/loneliness if you like. Now that you're supposedly back together again, things don't look like they're any better, do they?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7 teamactimel


    cymbaline wrote: »
    I assume you're in your early twenties at most and you've been together since your teens. Maybe it's time to draw a line under this and move on. People change a lot during their teens and early twenties. Perhaps this relationship has run its course.

    What's happening now is unhealthy. While what you did could be interpreted as being wrong, the additional information you've given us has thrown a completely new light on the story. Either both of you trust each other and are prepared to wipe the slate clean or you're at nothing. Your past misdemeanours should be just that. It does not give your boyfriend the right to tell you he can't take you seriously any more or give him a valid reason to keep messaging this other girl. It's double standards here. From the limited information you've given us here, I think you are the one who's getting the sharp end of the stick here.

    It looks like neither of you trust each other any more. He obviously didn't because he snooped in your Facebook account. You're telling us about him being secretive and being in contact with this girl. To rewind your story back to why you broke up in the first place, I wonder is this relationship on its uppers anyway? You broke up in the first place over lack of affection on your boyfriend's behalf. Your online flirtation with this other guy could be interpreted as a cry for affection/loneliness if you like. Now that you're supposedly back together again, things don't look like they're any better, do they?


    Thank you for your reply! While you had alot of good points to make, we arnt going to give up on this over issues that can be resolved or worth tryin to resolve! We love each other very much, although it doesn't sound it from the info i gave! We had a big talk about everything and im happy what he said and said he will do, so please god we can just get over this bridge and move on and learn to trust each other (still unsure how to go about)

    thank you all for your help, REALLY appreciated!!

    Oh by the way cymbaline, how did you know i was in my early twenties (nearly mid) :-)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I have ways and means ;)

    Or to be more pedantic, it was the use of textspeak spelling and your style of writing. It's different to the way us old(er) fogies type :pac:

    Anyway, I hope you sort it from here. It takes two people to make a relationship so I hope your boyfriend steps up to the plate.


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