Pregnant and really need help

LegacyUser

Hello all. Regular going unreg for this one. I would really appreciate some advice or help of some sort. Today I am at the lowest point in my life I've ever been. Will try to keep this as short as possible.

I am 5 months pregnant to a man who I have been in an on/off relationship with for a about 6 years. He had been involved with another woman who he had gotten engaged to about 3 years back. But we got together again a couple of years ago and he then told me it was all over with her. Today I have found out online that she has now found out she is pregnant and there is no doubt that it is the same father. I had some suspicions over the last few months that he was seeing her again, but he denied all. Today I now learn that he has been seeing her. He says he doesnt think she is pregnant, but what I read online very much indicates that she is. I am totally heartbroken and right now I am struggling to even get a breath I am so upset.

So I am now in a position where I am pregnant to a man who has gotten another woman pregnant. I just do not know what to do. I want to die.

What can I do? Is there anything that anyone can say that will give me some hope? I know I have this little baby inside to live for, but I just cant even feel strong to battle on for that.

Please help me.

DoctorBoo

Hi. I'm really sorry to hear that such an awful thing has happened to you and at such a vulnerable time too. You are right to feel devastated and down.

Although it is an awful awful time to find out something like this, I suppose you would have found out sooner or later. The time for you happened to be now. To be honest, only going on what you've written, your partner does not seem to be a nice person. He does not seem to respect you. Whether the woman is pregnant or not isn't relevant in relation to your relationship with him. He has cheated on you and deserted you when you were most in need. Given all of this, I find it hard to see a happy and contented future for you with him.
What you really need to do now is look after yourself and your baby.Although you feel weak and despairing at the moment - you are in fact a strong person. You existed before this relationship on your own, and you can do it again. But you will need help, especially because you are pregnant. Surround yourself with people who are willing to help you out - family, friends, even midwives. You need extra support but it doesn't have to come from your partner.
Your baby will be here in 4 months. That's a scarey thought but it will also be a joyous thing - a wonderful new presence in your life. You can battle through this horrible time in your life and come out stronger. You and your baby will be happy even though it doesn't feel like it now.

December2012

Hi,

Have you a friend or a relative you can speak with this morning?

maria34

do u have a friend or parents you could ring up asap? just do it and talk with them. dont stay alone, it drives you crazy and its not good for the baby.

Merkin

OK, please try and take some deep breaths and calm down. Your first priority is your little baby inside you and your own health and working yourself up into a state is not going to do either of you any good. I know it's easier said than done when you've had a big shock like this you poor thing but the best thing you can do is go and call a very close friend or family member that you trust so that they can come around to you. Do you have someone close by whom you can call on?

LegacyUser

Hi all. Thanks for your replies. I haven't told a single person because I cannot bear that this is a reality in my life. I just do not know what to do. My heart is just broken and I cannot see myself ever getting past this. I have a million things going through my head, some very dark thoughts. My whole life as I knew it was a complete lie and all my dreams of my little family are now torn apart and wont ever be able to be repaired. I am concerned that this is having a very bad effect on my baby. I just wish I would wake up from this nightmare.

ash23

Ah OP, you poor thing. I found out something similar when I told a man I was pregnant with his child. He had a finacee and a child already which I knew nothing about.
The pregnancy was not planned and I was a total and absolute mess.

He was little or no help but I had amazing friends and family I could turn to. And even though there was huge stress at the time, I had a healthy baby who is now ten and she's amazing.

So you won't have the family you thought you would have. But you will still have a family. You and your baby. And the father will have his own part in the babys life hopefully, even if it's not the way you thought it would be.

You really need to tell someone about this. It's a lot to take in and not something you should deal with on your own. You will need the help and support of your family and friends.
Try not to think too much about the other woman who is pregnant. That is something that can be processed at a later stage when you are stronger and in a better place.
I also had some initial thoughts about abortion and adoption when I found out about his other family. But one thing I have learned in life is never to make a major decision as an immediate reaction to something. You just need to focus on you and the baby right now and not think too far ahead because you'll only stress yourself out even more. I'm not saying that is something you are considering but you say you are having dark thoughts. So whatever those thoughts are, the same applies. Don't do anything rash.

You can't change what has happened and you can't predict the future. So for now, just focus on now. Call a friend or someone you trust. Or go and stay somewhere with someone who will help you through this. Don't be alone with your thoughts OP, it will do you absolutely no good at all.

11 years on since I was dealt the blow and I can honestly say I rarely think of it or of him. My daughter is the light of my life and we have a lovely little family of two which believe me, has it's merits!

maria34

Dear OP,

Your baby will be just fine :-) i was in a similar situation and my baby is a bright little girl now.
It was embarassing for me too, but i turned to my family and friends :-) they helped a lot.
And believe me, that pain will be gone one day. Just dont do anything silly, no man is worth it!

Sittingpretty

completely devestated wrote: »

Hi all. Thanks for your replies. I haven't told a single person because I cannot bear that this is a reality in my life. I just do not know what to do. My heart is just broken and I cannot see myself ever getting past this. I have a million things going through my head, some very dark thoughts. My whole life as I knew it was a complete lie and all my dreams of my little family are now torn apart and wont ever be able to be repaired. I am concerned that this is having a very bad effect on my baby. I just wish I would wake up from this nightmare.[/quot

Pack a little bag for yourself, go to your parents or a good friends house and ask if u can stay for a couple of days.

In meantime, ask your partner to pack hhis bags and leave your home so that when you are ready you can return there and make a home for you and your little baby.

You NEED to talk to someone close and you need to grieve but you also have to be strong enough for both you and your little child.

You can tell your Partner that when the baby is born you can discuss his rights regarding seeing the child but Barr that I wouldn't waste my time engaging him in any further conversation.

You and your baby are of utmost importance right now and this terrible shock and upset will pass. Please talk to someone

December2012

Are you feeling suicidal OP?

mygoat

Gosh OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know this is a very different situation, but I remember feeling exactly as you've described, after I broke off my engagement a few years ago. This feeling of living in a dreadful, dreadful nightmare... at times I didn't know what was real and what wasn't, I felt confused, overwhelmed, ashamed - the pain was unbearable. I completely lost the ability to plan, to think logically, to make decisions - right at a time when I desperately needed all these skills.

What everyone here is saying is very important - speak to someone - someone who will be gentle with you. Ask that person to help you come up with a plan for the next few days, until the shock wears off - having a plan will ground you a little bit. Don't plan the next few months, don't think of the future - take baby steps. This is the most important thing I remember my friend, who helped me get through my breakup, told me over and over again - baby steps.

Remember, you are in shock, your mind is overwhelmed and can't deal with too many things at the moment, so simplify. Take one minute at a time - you won't feel like this forever, the shock will pass, and yes, your life will be different to what you had hoped for, but you are going to be happy again!

And also - remember to breathe, so you and your baby get enough oxygen. Maybe try the 7/11 technique - count 1 to 7 breathing in and then breath out counting 8 to 11 - it's very relaxing, and it will calm your anxiety a bit too. This is your job for today and tomorrow - keep taking deep breaths and drink plenty of water.

You are strong enough to get through this, OP. There is no reason why you shouldn't have a fabulous life regardless (or maybe even because!) of what's happening to you now. Take care of yourself.

Neyite

December2012 wrote: »

Are you feeling suicidal OP?

December2012, you have been posting and reading PI/RI for long enough to know the standards here.

If you feel the OP is feeling this way, then the appropriate action is to report the post, as mods must lock any suicidal threads and direct the OP to the professionals. Its also off topic, unhelpful and pointless.

LegacyUser

Hi sweetie,

I hope you are feeling a bit better. It's a really painful situation to be in and it's ok to hurt and to feel a bit lost. But you are strong and you will handle it no matter what.

First of all you need to take care of yourself. Of your mind, of your heart, of your safety. I know right now it feels like the entire world is against you and you are all alone. But you will be surprised, once you share you situation with friends/family how supportive and understanding some people can be, quite often even the ones you least expected.

This is the time to ask for help. Do not be shy or embarassed about it. And please do not blame yourself either.

My motto: "This too shall pass. And I can handle it"

You are not harming your baby at all. Ideally, it would be nice to have your guy there. But f&ck him if he doesn't/can't be there. You are a great human being, a lovely woman and you are enough for yourself and for this baby. And quite possibly down the line you will meet someone nice and sweet and still have a family with a new person.

Right now your priority is your well being. As the other posters said: please find a friend/relative and go have a heart-to-heart to them. Even the most conservative/cold people can really empathise and support at times like this. But you need support.

You will be well hon. And you baby will be adorable and brighter days will come. Please trust this. We have all been down there - for different reasons - boyfriend who beat us up/relative who died/disease/etc etc. Life is a b>tch. But we all grow stronger and survive.

I know it's hard to imagine it right now, but I promise you in 5 years time you will remember yourself now and be proud of how you overcame everything, and will realise how much better your life will be. Little by little. Step by step. One battle per day.

You will be fine. Big hugs and best wishes, OP. xxxx

ShaShaBear

I don't know if this has already been mentioned, and I hate to say it but you should attend to a doctor and get yourself checked for an STI. If he is the father of this other baby then you run the risk of a spread of infection, since he's clearly not having protected sex with you both

Aside from that, go be with family, or friends - even alone. But seriously, don't be with him.

Stavro Mueller

Just in case you need it, here are the contact details for Positive Options. It's a state-funded crisis pregnancy service. This is a link to their website. Alternatively you can text LIST to 50444

There's nothing else I can add to what the others have said only to wish you all the very best. I hope you find the stomach to reach out to someone soon - it's heartbreaking to think you're grappling with this on your own at the moment.

queenofsteel1

Hi OP, my heart goes out to you reading this. My ex treated me like this when I first became pregnant, he too was seeing someone else behind my back and when I lost the baby he went off with her and left me on my own. But you have so much more than this. You and your baby are number one, you need support from friends and family but you can do this. You need to get this man out of your head in a relationship sense because he sounds like he will always break your heart, you will never be able to trust him and you and baby really dont need that. focus on yourself speak to family. You will get through this

LegacyUser

Hi all. Just an update and a request for more advice.

So I am now 6 months pregnant and this other girl involved is approx 2 months gone. She told him a few weeks ago for definite. He has yet to tell her that I am already 6 months gone, she has no idea whatsoever. It seems he has been seeing both of us all along, playing both of us and lying a lot to us both. At this present moment, I do not think she even knows he has been seeing me all this time.

I spoke with him tonight and he is telling me that she is talking about getting a termination, that she feels no support from him, etc etc (if only she knew the truth of the matter). And that brings another question - do I tell her what has been going on? I am between hating her and really feeling heartbroken for her, because I know she is contemplating terminating her baby and she really hasnt got a clue about what has been going on. I figure if I told her, it might push her to have go an abortion (something I couldnt ever live with myself over), which is why I dont want to be the person who has been responsible for her finding out. I would never want for anyone to ever terminate a child, through anything that I have been involved in, as I know I would not want anything to harm the baby that grows inside me now. Yet I feel she does have a right to know, which of course she will find out soon enough, should she decide to go ahead with her pregnancy. I cant help but think this should be a precious time for any woman during pregnancy, instead of having to deal with this. I feel so sorry for both her and myself. And all the while he is acting the maggot, being an a$$ and shouting at me, like its all my fault, manipulating the situation, turning everything round, threatening suicide, acting like this is all perfectly ok, trying to normalise it, joking about. I think I am being reasonable even talking to him. I want to hate him so much and yet this whole thing has me so consumed with emotion that I dont know whether I am coming or going.

This is such a big mess really. I keep thinking this is like something from them crazy tv shows, this is not my reality, that this should not be happening to me. And this has not just my life ruined, but my child's life, her life, her child's and the a$$hole's life as well. There really is no good in this. Because I figure if she keeps the child, everyone is going to be remembering this whole mess for the rest of our lives, that our children are probably going to end up screwed up over this. There just is no way out of this, for there to be any positive outcome. And I think that he is sitting back, letting her make the painful choice of whether she should have an abortion (because he wont have the ball$ on him to tell her to keep it or go through with it) and if she does go through with it, he will have let that happen all because of his own selfishness.

Can someone please tell me what you think? I am trying my best to just keep going, but this whole thing has my head well and truly wrecked.

Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance for any help or advice that you can offer.

maria34

Dear OP,

Thats a horroble situation to be in.

Its not her fault, its not your fault. He is fault. You are pregnant so you dont need that stress. I wouldnt be near him, that makes things worse only. He is stressing you out big time! Kick in the ass he needs. Emotional abiser thats what he is.

One thing i know -your children wont hate each other. Once they bigger they make their mind up about their dad. But they are still siblings, they dont care what their parents did years ago!

Her child as the right to live like your does.

daisybelle2008

OP for Gods sake forget about both of them. Don't make either of them your problem. Your duty is to yourself and your baby and your well being.
You are tying yourself in knots and stressing about cleaning up his mess. Let him do that. Pretend neither exist, just look after yourself. Don't speak to him about anything other than functional responsibility issues for the child. Take all emotion away, you will keep paying a high price by involving yourself emotionally with him or his affairs.
You have a choice now after 5 years of this guy and his nonsense to stop engaging with him on that level. Turn away from it. Stop now making excuses to get involved (I.e for her sake etc.) it is really only your problem if you make it. Let him deal with that. OP I would not even deal with him directly. Nominate a neutral 3rd party to communicate baby responsibility and free yourself from a ball of stress. Surely for 3 months you could do that? After baby is born hopefully you will give less of a f*ck about tying yourself up with this train wreck of a fella as the baby will hopefully be such a distraction.

ash23

OP, you and her are the innocent ones in this. I think say nothing until such a time as she has made a decision about her pregnancy. It's her choice but you don't want to land a massive bombshell on her while she is trying to make it. If she is keeping the baby I would reach out to her at some stage as after all, the babies are going to be half siblings.

As for him, why are you talking to him if he is giving you grief? Everytime he shouts at you, blames you or says so much as a cross word to you, walk away or put down the phone. Unfortunately you are stuck with this man for the next god knows how long, so now is the time to start showing him how he has to treat you. With respect.
You have to stop letting him treat you badly or you will end up in this cycle with him for the next 18 years and there will be a child stuck in the middle of it all.

Stand up for yourself. make it known to him that he cannot speak to you in that way, you simply wont' stand for it. I know it's hard to be assertive especially when everything is so complicated and upsetting. But this sets the tone for your co-parenting relationship. So for the sake of your child, he needs to be shown that he has to treat the mother of his child with respect.

CaraMay

Why is this guy getting access to you at all? Why are you letting him get close enough to you to shout at you. You are in a terrible position op but you are not helping yourself by staying in contact with this guy. Forget about the other girl. It's not her fault and she doesn't need to know about your pregnancy yet.

Just stop entertainung him. Tbh it sounds like you are thriving on this drama. If not, you would not still be in contact with this loser.

Hannibal Smith

CaraMay wrote: »

Why is this guy getting access to you at all? Why are you letting him get close enough to you to shout at you. You are in a terrible position op but you are not helping yourself by staying in contact with this guy. Forget about the other girl. It's not her fault and she doesn't need to know about your pregnancy yet.

Just stop entertainung him. Tbh it sounds like you are thriving on this drama. If not, you would not still be in contact with this loser.

I completely disagree with this and think it is beyond unfair. I can understand why you want the other woman to know op but ask yourself truly ...why do you want her to know ? To hurt her,to hurt him? I think she should know...but is it your place to do it?

Let her figure out her problems and I don't believe in 5 years there will be any sort of stigma or taboo about how both children were conceived all those issues pass with time and become so insignificant.

Where are you at now with the boyfriend? Are you working it out with him or ending it?

CaraMay

So you think he should have access to her while he continues to abuse her?

December2012

Hi OP, are you getting support from your family and friends?

seenitall

Hi OP,

please cut this waste of space off from your life, you don't need all the hassle right now! All this stress is very, very bad for you at this vulnerable time. You really need to put yourself first here.

However, I think your intuition about telling the other girl about your own pregnancy is right on the money. I think you should do it, or let her know about you by some channel or other. She has been played for a fool as much as you have, and she deserves to have the power of that information to hand at her vulnerable time right now. Especially as she is already thinking of terminating the pregnancy.

I am saying this as I know that, same as her, I would be half-way to England if I didn't have the support of a partner for a pregnancy, and then, finding out that he's already got someone else pregnant at approximately the same time, would only empower me to make that choice for myself without even looking back. So I think I can understand her mindset, and I think she would most probably be very, very grateful for the information you can provide. Think about it?

Mind yourself, please avail of any support from family and friends given to you and stop entertaining this guy.

Best wishes.

Chara1001

OP, just to clarify, are you and this guy still (sort of) together?


From reading your update, it looks like you are.
I became a single mum under dramatic circumstances as soon as my baby was born- and i feel the happiest and safest now than i have done in years. Its not the scary end of the world that its often made out to be.
If you're still with this guy, please consider what he's done and what he'll continue to do
My advice is to shut all this out, you need to be away from him to look after yourself and your little one. End of story.
You seem like a really decent person, I understand your moral dilemma here but you and your tiny family are your priority.

Let this girl make up her own mind about abortion, it would be a very scary thought if you told her and it tipped her over the edge into making a decision that MIGHT not be right for her.

Have you family and friends to support you? They will get you through this, and maybe give women's aid a call, they're amazing.

The very best of luck

Stavro Mueller

completely devestated wrote: »

I figure if I told her, it might push her to have go an abortion (something I couldnt ever live with myself over), which is why I dont want to be the person who has been responsible for her finding out. I would never want for anyone to ever terminate a child, through anything that I have been involved in, as I know I would not want anything to harm the baby that grows inside me now.

This is why you shouldn't get involved. If the girl is contemplating an abortion as things are, a bombshell like this could indeed tip her over the edge and onto the plane to England. You have enough problems on your plate without going looking for more trouble.

As for the sperm donor who has fathered your child, I don't like what I'm reading. Do YOU think this behaviour is acceptable or OK? Why are you tolerating it? Why are you having anything to do with someone who is treating you so despicably? Have you got any family or friends to talk to? Have you sought professional help? I really feel for your poor baby. If this is what he/she has for a dad, heaven help it.

And all the while he is acting the maggot, being an a$$ and shouting at me, like its all my fault, manipulating the situation, turning everything round, threatening suicide, acting like this is all perfectly ok, trying to normalise it, joking about. I think I am being reasonable even talking to him. I want to hate him so much and yet this whole thing has me so consumed with emotion that I dont know whether I am coming or going.

Chara1001

Yeh I agree with Cymbaline OP

Just re-reading the above excerpt, it really does appear as though you're still together. You're not going to be doing your baby any favours for bringing him/ her into a 'family' where this happens. Why are you putting up with this?

Neyite

I'm a recent first time mum, and still have a lot to learn about parenthood, but one thing that I do know, is that babies are hard work on any relationship, and adding a baby to a relationship with large cracks and verbal and emotional abuse like yours will be a nightmare.

What you need is support. You need someone who will take the baby off your hands to walk up and down, someone who will insist that you take yourself off for a nap/ bath /walk. You need someone who will ensure that when you are too busy or knackered to cook, cares enough about you to cook you something. You need someone who will support your decisions and work with you caring for baby. Someone who will lessen the load of motherhood. You need someone to support you in labour. He is not that person. He is a burden and a stone around your neck.

Parenthood isnt a right. Especially for the likes of him, it should be earned. Right now, he is not a partner in any sense of the word, nor is he a father.

Concentrate on you and your baby. Contact Womens Aid
Make no mistake - he is emotionally and verbally abusive, and this behaviour usually escalates when a baby is added to the mix. They will be able to help you deal with him, whether he stays with you or not. Years ago I needed their services. My ex never hit me, but spoke to me the way yours did, and Womens Aid were brilliant. They helped me understand so much, and gave me the confidence to make my decisions to better my life when I was ready to do so. Its daunting to contact them, but you will be glad that you did.

Astala

completely devestated wrote: »

Hi all. Just an update and a request for more advice.

So I am now 6 months pregnant and this other girl involved is approx 2 months gone. She told him a few weeks ago for definite. He has yet to tell her that I am already 6 months gone, she has no idea whatsoever. It seems he has been seeing both of us all along, playing both of us and lying a lot to us both. At this present moment, I do not think she even knows he has been seeing me all this time.

I spoke with him tonight and he is telling me that she is talking about getting a termination, that she feels no support from him, etc etc (if only she knew the truth of the matter). And that brings another question - do I tell her what has been going on? I am between hating her and really feeling heartbroken for her, because I know she is contemplating terminating her baby and she really hasnt got a clue about what has been going on. I figure if I told her, it might push her to have go an abortion (something I couldnt ever live with myself over), which is why I dont want to be the person who has been responsible for her finding out. I would never want for anyone to ever terminate a child, through anything that I have been involved in, as I know I would not want anything to harm the baby that grows inside me now. Yet I feel she does have a right to know, which of course she will find out soon enough, should she decide to go ahead with her pregnancy. I cant help but think this should be a precious time for any woman during pregnancy, instead of having to deal with this. I feel so sorry for both her and myself. And all the while he is acting the maggot, being an a$$ and shouting at me, like its all my fault, manipulating the situation, turning everything round, threatening suicide, acting like this is all perfectly ok, trying to normalise it, joking about. I think I am being reasonable even talking to him. I want to hate him so much and yet this whole thing has me so consumed with emotion that I dont know whether I am coming or going.

This is such a big mess really. I keep thinking this is like something from them crazy tv shows, this is not my reality, that this should not be happening to me. And this has not just my life ruined, but my child's life, her life, her child's and the a$$hole's life as well. There really is no good in this. Because I figure if she keeps the child, everyone is going to be remembering this whole mess for the rest of our lives, that our children are probably going to end up screwed up over this. There just is no way out of this, for there to be any positive outcome. And I think that he is sitting back, letting her make the painful choice of whether she should have an abortion (because he wont have the ball$ on him to tell her to keep it or go through with it) and if she does go through with it, he will have let that happen all because of his own selfishness.

Can someone please tell me what you think? I am trying my best to just keep going, but this whole thing has my head well and truly wrecked.

Sorry for the long post and thanks in advance for any help or advice that you can offer.

I rarely post at all on boards, but I just felt I had to respond.

Stop thinking about anyone else but you and your little baby that's inside you. You two are the most important right now, so you must stop worrying about this quite messy situation. Do not tell her a thing because that will be the catalyst for her deciding to end her child's life. Hopefully she will make the right decision and keep her baby, but right now, you would be making a messy situation even messier by interfering.

Listen, you're so brave and so lucky to have this little baby that you'll be seeing in three months. Your baby needs you right now, so focus on him/her and nobody else.

All the best with your future:)

Hannibal Smith

CaraMay wrote: »

So you think he should have access to her while he continues to abuse her?

Where did I say that? I disagree with your name calling and abusive style of posting. You have no idea who the op is or what she's like so asserting that she loves the drama is crossing a line

Ickle Magoo

Hannibal Smith,

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Folks,

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tinkerbell

OP, what an awful situation to be in. What you need to focus on right now is you and your baby. Your baby will be here in 3 months, you need to spend this time preparing for your baby's arrival, resting when you can, etc. Not running around after this idiot and putting up with his abuse and also worrying about the other woman. You need to cut him out of your life, he's no good for you. Let him pick up the pieces. As for the other woman, she has a right to know but I dunno if YOU should be the one telling her. HE needs to tell her and you need to tell him that he needs to be honest with her. If she goes and gets a termination, its not your fault - he is the one that got two women pregnant within 4 months of each other, not you. It's his mess - let him deal with the consequences. In the meantime, contact Women's Aid like Neyite suggested. Good luck.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Why is this guy getting access to you at all? Why are you letting him get close enough to you to shout at you. You are in a terrible position op but you are not helping yourself by staying in contact with this guy. Forget about the other girl. It's not her fault and she doesn't need to know about your pregnancy yet.

Just stop entertainung him. Tbh it sounds like you are thriving on this drama. If not, you would not still be in contact with this loser.

To this - I am truly astounded that anyone would ever think that a person would thrive on this sort of drama. Never in my life would I ever choose to have such a situation in my life, never mind get some kick out of it. This has undoubtedly been the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. So to suggest this is really just despicable. Really.

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Where are you at now with the boyfriend? Are you working it out with him or ending it?

As far as I am concerned, this is something that I will never be able to get past to be honest. Things could never be worked out with him. I could never ever trust him again, knowing what he has done to me. There is very limited contact as it is just too upsetting for me.

seenitall wrote: »

I am saying this as I know that, same as her, I would be half-way to England if I didn't have the support of a partner for a pregnancy, and then, finding out that he's already got someone else pregnant at approximately the same time, would only empower me to make that choice for myself without even looking back. So I think I can understand her mindset, and I think she would most probably be very, very grateful for the information you can provide.

This. This is exactly where I am coming from. I am now 6 months pregnant. In this time (while this pregnancy was a surprise), I have now felt this baby move inside me, watched it move on a screen at all its scans. I know the baby's sex and I have its name picked. I have dreams and aspirations for this child and intend to do my utmost in life to ensure that it has as good a life as it can.

However - if I was in the very early stages of my pregnancy, before I bonded with this child or developed feelings of love, if I was in those first weeks of my pregnancy and I found out that this was the shape of things, that my child's father had gone off with someone else and fathered another child, I know I would be making a decision very different to where I am at now. This was not part of the plan. This was not the life I wanted for my child. This is not the way it was supposed to be. So I would want to know. That's the only reason I wonder about her being told, not for any other reason at all. There is no way in the world that I would ever want to inflict the pain that I have gone through over the last number of weeks onto someone else. I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy in the world.

cymbaline wrote: »

This is why you shouldn't get involved. If the girl is contemplating an abortion as things are, a bombshell like this could indeed tip her over the edge and onto the plane to England. You have enough problems on your plate without going looking for more trouble.

Where this is concerned - this is the single reason I have not informed her of this. I have thought long and hard about all of this and I do not want to be the person who tells her, who tips her decision one way or another.


In terms of me having support - I am being supported well by some very close people. I do think that the Women's Aid suggestions is good, this is something I had not thought of.

In terms of me still being in contact with him, the contact is not much. And no matter what - he is still my child's father. As much as that sickens me to my core. I can barely bring myself to speak to him. I am being as completely reasonable as I can despite these awful circumstances. No matter what I do in life, I will now be tied to this man, this is punishment enough. I would never want to be with him again, I could never get past this. For many reasons, the main one being how he feels this all can be justified and its ok and the fact that he is quite ok with the fact that she is torturing herself about making a choice to end her pregnancy and saying nothing of the fact that he has already another baby on the way in just 3 months time. I am disgusted at him, sick to the stomach every time I think about him, what he has done and how he is carrying on.

In terms of him telling her the truth - he will not do that. He will not have the common decency to do this. Should she carry on with her pregnancy, she will only find out when his back is against the way, i.e. when I have my child. He will not tell her, not a chance.

I am so sad that my child will never know the value of having two parents in a stable relationship, will never have a family holiday or Christmas with mam and dad there together. But I will do my best. I will teach my child good values in life, what it is to treat people with dignity and respect, I will hope to be able to be a role model that will quash any negative qualities of its father. So every day of my life will be this battle to make sure I do the very best.

I am doing what I can to keep myself relaxed and de-stressed. I am so concerned about any damage that all this has had on me and the baby as it is. I am trying to work my way through this in the best way I know how, which may not be very good, but Im doing my best considering the circumstances.

Id like to thank you all for the support and help you have offered.

CaraMay

Apologies op. I took it that you were still living / in a relationship with him.