Don't know what to do.

anon71

I'm posting this anon. Its a long story but am going to try to keep it brief. I've been with my partner for 10 yrs, he's mid 50's, I'm 13yrs younger. Age not an issue. He's divorced with 4 grown up children and one child from another relationship. He has very little contact with any of his children, one won't speak to him at all over the last year. He was not with his wife when we met so his marriage breakdown didn't involve me. I've never been married, no kids. I'm working full time, he works part time.
The problem is that I'm miserably unhappy. I love him but I don't know if it's enough any more. I feel like we're just sliding along but not ever getting anywhere. He says he would marry me but that it's the expense of it all, I've said I don't care about a big wedding and would be happy with just a registry office and 2 witnesses. I earn decent money but I never seem to have anything spare to even treat myself on payday to a lunch out or a new top. That might sound petty but I work hard and I feel I should be able to do that. I'm very bitter because he signed away all his rights to his family home and got nothing out of it. It's mortgage free so his ex doesn't have the worry of that but before he got divorced, he had lost his job and I was supplementing him with my wages, helping to pay her maintenance, he was also paying most of the mortgage (while there still was one), and making sure his bank loans were being paid. The whole legal thing about it all I'll leave out. But I felt when he signed away his rights that he should have at least looked for something to cover what I had paid, but he never seems to think about our future. His family still have a good relationship with her when they see her, which he says maddens him but at times I find it very insensitive to me that they still consider her one of the family even more so than me just because we're not married.
Our sex life has dwindled to next to nothing, and I don't even think I miss it. I read somewhere once that a woman will leave a relationship because she's not happy, whereas a man will only leave if he has someone else lined up. We're fighting so much lately, over the stupidest of things. I said a lot of this before he went to work this evening, I think he got a fright because I was just putting up with so much till now and saying. He said I picked a "great" time to say all this just before he went to work, but I told him that I had to spend all day at work thinking about it, so what was the difference.
I've read back over this just now, and tbh, I sound like a money hungry pathetic creature. I'm truly not, I just wish I had some happiness in my life. I know all couples go through tough times, but when do we admit defeat? Would counselling help? I just don't know. I'm not looking for divine inspiration from any of you, but just please read and if you have any advice or thoughts.......

Magicmatilda

You obviously chose to pay towards his maintainence etc so I think you need to accept that and move on. Live with the consequences of your actions. I wouldn't have done it and if that meant we had to live apart then so be it. Did he discuss your financial contribution at the time? How did he explaining signing it all away? Were you involved in that decision?

If my brother broke up with his wife who he had 4 kids with, I would still consider her my sister in law. After all she is the mother of my nieces and nephews. How long were they married for?

Essentially though you need to look at what you are getting from this relationship? It doesn't sound like you are getting much. Why do you stay?

anon71

If I was back again then I wouldn't pay what I did but no, we didn't discuss it at the time, he was in a bind financially and I felt I should help out. He didn't discuss the signing over of things with me, it was more a case that he wanted to be free of her completely, financially, legally and emotionally and he felt that if they were divorced and she had everything then he could cut all ties with her.

The situation with his family and his ex has more to do with how I am treated by them, just little comments about me not understanding a particular situation because I'm not one of the family, somebody organising a family event and inviting her but not mentioning to us that she would be there, when he has said that he doesn't see why she would be invited to things. One of his sisters who met her recently mentioned how fantastic she looks and repeated it several times throughout the conversation. I've lost about 18lbs in the last 3 months and that same sister said she couldn't see any difference. Maybe she lacks a sensitivity chip, or maybe I'm being over sensitive, but I didn't think either comment was very appropriate. I do feel that he should stand up for me more with them, when we got together first there was some resistance from a particular member of my family because of the age difference and the fact that he was still married, but I let it be known that, I was an adult and that I was happy and if anyone had a problem with that then it was their problem not mine. We're living together for 10 years, they were married for 19 years when they split up, but they have been apart for 13 years.

Why do I stay? I love him and I don't want to walk away from 10 years together unless I'm sure that nothing is going to change. I know that I'm not blameless here, I have issues I need to work on with him as well. Things are never all one sided. Everytime I read back over what I've written it sounds more pathetic, but I'm just trying to explain how I feel.

Goldenlady

just to throw in my two cents worth..... I think you need to ask yourself how you are feeling in general, outside the relationship? Speaking from experience, I just came out of an 8 year relationship with someone 13 years older than me... he was divorced, kids etc and he didnt want any more kids and didnt want to get married again either. BUT i loved him and was willing to put up with this all along, until 1 day I woke up and decided that I couldnt put up with it any longer. My fear was would I regret not having kids in a few years or not getting married and grow to resent him - I have no idea what the history is behind your relationship, and its not my business, but I wonder do you resent him a little, you have given him your love, your money, your time, probably involved with his kids for a long time and all you want in return is marriage and he wont do that. I think you just need to re evaluate what you want from the relationship. Sometimes it seems easier to walk away but believe me, make sure its the right decision. Please stop apologising too, you need to rant, every one does and you probably dont want to talk to your friends about it as they may judge! I was the same as they were all married with kids and it seemed like my relationship was never enough for them! sorry I keep talking about myself. Hope all goes ok xx

StillWaters

There is so much resentment in your post. It's difficult if not impossible to get to the nub of the issues.

I don't know why you are so bothered by the ex wife. Their marriage ended a long time ago, but his family remain fond of her. That is a good thing.
It's worrying that he has so little contact with his children, you mention this only in passing but it would be a red flag to me, it wouldn't indicate a good man.

I agree with the previous poster about helping him out financially. I think it was a foolish thing to do, but you cannot undo it. You are angry and cross with yourself about this and projecting this onto others.

Do you want children?

Merkin

StillWaters wrote: »

It's worrying that he has so little contact with his children, you mention this only in passing but it would be a red flag to me, it wouldn't indicate a good man.

That is the single biggest thing that stuck out for me too.

I don't think he's a good man OP. Might seem like a massive conclusion to jump to on my part but the fact is you make no reference or suggestion of that in your posts either. I personally would really have concerns over a man who has fathered five children and yet doesn't have any semblance of a relationship with any of them. What does that say about him?

Also, did you ever want your own children? I mean you got together at 32, you are now 42 and besides from bailing him out financially and him not even having the decency to marry you what exactly ARE you getting out of this relationship? Don't you think it seems like you've been the one putting all the legwork in? If you expect things to change then you both need to partake in some very serious dialogue with the help of a relationship counsellor to establish whether this is worth saving. Right now you sound unhappy and resentful and the situation isn't just magically going to change by itself.

The Corinthian

anon71 wrote: »

I'm posting this anon.

Your username gave that away.

Seriously though; I can understand where he's coming from, but that doesn't mean I agree with or excuse how he's treated you. Divorce can be utterly devastating to men; we can effectively lose access to our children (even with an access order, one's ex can block this with little fear of consequences), financially we can be decimated, often losing more than half of all our assets (even those that come before or even after the marriage) and on top of everything else more often than not have to pay for our ex for the rest of our lives - even from our pensions.

It's not unusual, as a result, that many men who've suffered bad break-ups become very cynical about marriage and children; leading us to reject the idea of ever placing ourselves in that situation again. As such, you're essentially paying the price of his previous relationship.

However, you should not be doing this. You are not his ex wife, so it is unjust that you should suffer for their break-up or her actions. This is what you need to make him understand - he's had ten years to deal with this and with you at his side and it is simply criminally wrong for him to make you pay for her (in more ways than one, it seems) 'sins'.

I expect you've been living together for over five years by now and thus have a claim on maintenance and/or each other's assets if you broke up. If he's financially worse off that you, then ironically you could be paying him maintenance.

On the other hand, you do need to consider the terms under which you entered the relationship. If he was clear from the onset, and you accepted, that he didn't want to marry again and/or have any more children, then you did walk into this with your eyes open. It's not his fault that you changed your mind.

Ultimately, you need to sit him down calmly and explain why you're unhappy. Even if you'd previously agreed to no marriage or children, tell him how this is something you cannot do any more. And importantly, explain that regardless, it is cruel and unfair for you to be paying the price of his failed marriage, because you are not her.

It's time he walks out from beneath her shadow as you're stuck there with him. Otherwise you may be better off doing so without him.

Merkin wrote: »

I don't think he's a good man OP. Might seem like a massive conclusion to jump to on my part but the fact is you make no reference or suggestion of that in your posts either. I personally would really have concerns over a man who has fathered five children and yet doesn't have any semblance of a relationship with any of them. What does that say about him?

Nothing, I'm afraid as the Devil's in the detail which we're not in possession of.

It's very, very easy for a mother to obstruct or block a father's access to his children. Gardai will not want to get involved in a 'personal despite' and courts will almost never do anything to enforce an access order; fathers regularly get bench warrants issued against them when maintenance orders are ignored, while I believe there's been fewer than a half dozen bench warrants issued, ever, against mothers who ignore access orders.

Added to this is the practice of 'parental alienation', where in particularly bad relationships the mother will manipulate the children into hating the father; for example, first she may block access, then tell the children that their father doesn't see them because he doesn't want to or care about them enough.

I'm not suggesting that this is the case here, but neither can we presume that he's 'bad man' either.