Incredibly Boring Married Sex Life

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this post. I have been married for 7 years. 2 kids. Wife and I are both in our mid 30s. I have realised that our sex life is unbelievably boring and it makes me very frustrated. I am always required to use condoms even during "safe" times of the month. Oral sex for me is not even on the agenda and for her, even though I enjoy giving it, is never a big part of foreplay etc.
My wife has a wardrobe full of sexy underwear. Most she bought herself, some presents from me. These were last worn on honeymoon. I initiate sex 99% of the time. The other 1% is when my wife disinterestedly says "I suppose your looking for the ride".
I have tried talking. No change.
I have tried candles and champagne. No change.
I have bought various toys for couples to try together, after one outing they remain on top of the wardrobe.
Fantasies are never discussed. I have shared a few but would never do so again because it is not reciprocated.

I am not sex mad. I just would like a normal healthy sex life and a little effort to maintain a bit of excitement. I would never countenance an affair or anything like that. I understand that people place different priorities on intimacy, but what can I do?

ElleEm

Have you had a look at threads similar to yours (no/very little sex in relationships/marriages)? There has been some great advice given.

When you say you have "tried talking, no change", what do you mean? Have you told her how you feel? Has she always had a low sex drive or is this new? Have you asked her what is wrong? You need to have a very big conversation about this. Taking away the issue of sex, you are not happy about a fairly large aspect of your relationship, and as your wife, she should be interested in discussing this and compromising somewhat.

Chucky the tree

How has this only become an issue now?

LegacyUser

Chucky the tree wrote: »

How has this only become an issue now?

It has always been an issue to an extant. Its just now that it has dawned on me that it is not going to change and I face a future of complete frustration.

BraziliaNZ

Surely she just doesn't fancy you anymore? This is bizarre behaviour on her part. It's not a relationship in the traditional sense if she doesn't want anything to do with you sexually. I feel for you.

LegacyUser

I understand where you are coming from OP.

I'm OP in the other thread.
What seems to be lost on some folks is the fact that men generally don't micromanage the state of their sex lives in marriage.
Things can drag on for quite a time and a man can make a good deal of allowances for his partner's lack of desire especially when children arrive.

It can be very difficult for the hubby to bring the issue up and the more he is rebuked for bringing it up the more likely he is to revert into himself. I speak from experience.


Just on the OP's post.
He may have to accept condoms as a pre-requisite - at least from the point of view of contraception.
His wife may have good justification not to go on the pill.
Also - the pill can even further lower sex drive.
However, not initiating really can damage a man's self esteem.
The man feels like he is not desired and that leaves him with a terrible feeling of emptiness.

The more worrying aspect is the fact that his wife apparently won't engage with him in discussion.
His wife is no longer his soul mate, in effect.

desbrook

MarriedGuy wrote: »

It has always been an issue to an extant. Its just now that it has dawned on me that it is not going to change and I face a future of complete frustration.

Well done for realising that it's not going to change . It's not . I totally get why it takes such a long time to realise this . You like me I'm sure got every excuse in the book - kids/you/periods - been there, done that . In my case it took ten years , I even got a vasectomy - partly to see would it improve things .

You don't face a future of complete frustration necessarily . The sooner you make the brave move and split from your wife the better . The length of a marriage is taken into account in any legal arrangments and its better for kids if you split while they are small . The dating scene in your 30's is great for guys too .

I'm apart two years and my only regret is I didnt do it sooner incuding for the kids . Although they are fine now it would be even easier if they had been younger . I have a fab sex life with a new gf and my ex has a great sex life as far as I know . The reality is she didn't want sex with me but that's history .

I know the "try counselling " gang will be appalled with me being so blunt and pessimistic about your chances of rescuing things . I may be boxed off as someone bitter because of my own experiences . Fair enough - if someone wants to write here who was in you or your wife's shoes for more than five years and counselling made everything ok, I'm all ears .

homerjay2005

there seems to be a huge amount of threads like this lately on here where men are complaining about no sex life in their marriages so OP i dont think it is much for you to be blaming yourself about personally!

I find it very surprising and if these threads are legit, it gives the impression that there is a growing trend where a portion Irish woman as they go into their late 30's and 40's have little or no sex drive at all.

looks like there is an element of truth into considering that some woman only see sex as a means of having children unfortunately and once that need has been fulfilled, they dont want it any more. if this is a big issue for the OP, he should make his feelings clear and if she doesnt respond in a fair way, he could leave eventually.

But this is entirely the OPs own decision and it depends on what ultimately makes him happy. the kids are an obvious reason to stay, but also his happyness is hugely important.

afterglow

Hi OP

Have you explored that maybe your wife's libedo just is not there anymore due to either hormonal contreception, menopause, etc?
If you have, and ruled it out, then I feel sorry for you in your current situation, it can't be easy. I do think though sometimes that men have difficulty understanding that women's libedo works different from their's. mind you, if you had bought me shampaigne etc I certainly would have found that very romantic and would have at least tried to make an effort, so I don't doubt you have tried everything.
Some time with a therapist who deals in these matters could do you both good if ye are interested, but if not, and like I said above if you have ruled out libedo/hormone issues, then maybe it's time for you to think about things.

daisybelle2008

desbrook wrote: »

Well done for realising that it's not going to change . It's not . I totally get why it takes such a long time to realise this . You like me I'm sure got every excuse in the book - kids/you/periods - been there, done that . In my case it took ten years , I even got a vasectomy - partly to see would it improve things .

You don't face a future of complete frustration necessarily . The sooner you make the brave move and split from your wife the better . The length of a marriage is taken into account in any legal arrangments and its better for kids if you split while they are small . The dating scene in your 30's is great for guys too .

I'm apart two years and my only regret is I didnt do it sooner incuding for the kids . Although they are fine now it would be even easier if they had been younger . I have a fab sex life with a new gf and my ex has a great sex life as far as I know . The reality is she didn't want sex with me but that's history .

I know the "try counselling " gang will be appalled with me being so blunt and pessimistic about your chances of rescuing things . I may be boxed off as someone bitter because of my own experiences . Fair enough - if someone wants to write here who was in you or your wife's shoes for more than five years and counselling made everything ok, I'm all ears .

From a woman's perspective, It was true in my situation. No amount of couselling was going to make me fancy someone I has lost attraction to. It was gone. Candles, flowers anything else was pointless too...splitting up was the best solution in our case too.

njs030

There's a sudden surge in these type of threads recently.

The advice is always the same, if you've tried to fix things and it hasn't worked then you need to make a decision.
Leave or stay.

Desbrooks post is probably the most honest one you are going to read and daisy belle has given you a woman's point of view. I'll add that I totally agree-if it's gone it's hard to get back.

So basically you need to decide if you want to put up with it for a while longer or move on and in time be happy and fulfilled with someone who really does want you!

a posse ad esse

afterglow wrote: »

Hi OP

Have you explored that maybe your wife's libedo just is not there anymore due to either hormonal contreception, menopause, etc?
If you have, and ruled it out, then I feel sorry for you in your current situation, it can't be easy. I do think though sometimes that men have difficulty understanding that women's libedo works different from their's. mind you, if you had bought me shampaigne etc I certainly would have found that very romantic and would have at least tried to make an effort, so I don't doubt you have tried everything.
Some time with a therapist who deals in these matters could do you both good if ye are interested, but if not, and like I said above if you have ruled out libedo/hormone issues, then maybe it's time for you to think about things.

I hear what you are saying but still does not make things right. It is one thing not having it that night but to forgo sex for that period of time? I have three children and even though at times I may not be in the mood, I will still have sex. Sex is very important in a marriage and keeps the bond tight and your relationship as a couple solidified. No sex, you turn into flatmates or brother/sister. The funny thing is when at times I was not in the mood, I certainly got into it when things got started. I think people get too comfortable with their arrangement like the OP's wife.

I feel bad for him and the other people I hear when I read similar threads. Marriages are a lot of work and takes time energy and effort.

The OP needs to have a chat with his wife and be serious and upfront with her about how he feels and she needs to know what she is doing to him, the marriage and the kids. Kids are not stupid, they know something is wrong. Just last week my husband and I had an argument (not in front of the kids) and the kids knew something was not right then. That was for a few days can you imagine the damage it may cause if it is for years?

Jimmy 5F

OP I'd ask your wife outright if she actually still fancies you and she what she says. It's quite clear she doesn't but I think this fact needs to be acknowledged before you both decide how to move forward.

Cupcake_Crisis

MarriedGuy wrote: »

Going unregistered for this post. I have been married for 7 years. 2 kids. Wife and I are both in our mid 30s. I have realised that our sex life is unbelievably boring and it makes me very frustrated. I am always required to use condoms even during "safe" times of the month. Oral sex for me is not even on the agenda and for her, even though I enjoy giving it, is never a big part of foreplay etc.
My wife has a wardrobe full of sexy underwear. Most she bought herself, some presents from me. These were last worn on honeymoon. I initiate sex 99% of the time. The other 1% is when my wife disinterestedly says "I suppose your looking for the ride".
I have tried talking. No change.
I have tried candles and champagne. No change.
I have bought various toys for couples to try together, after one outing they remain on top of the wardrobe.
Fantasies are never discussed. I have shared a few but would never do so again because it is not reciprocated.

I am not sex mad. I just would like a normal healthy sex life and a little effort to maintain a bit of excitement. I would never countenance an affair or anything like that. I understand that people place different priorities on intimacy, but what can I do?

Just to add, there is no "safe time" of the month to not use condoms, unprotected sex always carries risks, no matter what time of the month it is, so I wouldn't feel too hard done by about that.

horseone

OP,

could have written this from my own existence 2 years back. Married, early 30's, 2 kids, had been together for 10+ yrs. Sex life had well and truly left the building/planet. I was always faithful and attentive/obliging, in retrospect I was too much of the latter!!

For the last 2 years of our relationship several chats were had but with little follow-up. The excuses were various, my neck(she had whiplash), I'm tired, money troubles, ........at the end of each chat I always got the standard answer to my obvious question, "OF COURSE I LOVE YOU".

SHE DIDN'T

When she finally came out with it ("I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU ANYMORE AND I DON'T THINK I EVER WILL BE AGAIN") it took a few months for me to get my head around it. Yes we tried the counselling, after 6 sessions it became obvious it was merely a mechanism to get my head where hers had already been for a long time!!

2 years later we're separated. EASY - NO. BETTER - YES!

Would like to think this is not your situation, but personal experience tells me otherwise!!

Good luck buddy

PS - the change happened when she came eventually clean to herself and then to me! Although I knew the inevitable truth, I would never have taken the initiative to end things myself.

Gatling

Op I honestly think that the two problems are communication and confidence ,
All these posts saying dump her or she doesn't love or fancy you I'd personally ignore ,

A couple of questions first

Do you both work

Did you have an energetic sex life at the start of your relationship .

I think you should look into marriage counseling too.

As for condoms did you ever think she doesn't like the feel of cum inside or the feeling after ie messy and so on

desbrook

Gatling wrote: »

Op I honestly think that the two problems are communication and confidence ,
All these posts saying dump her or she doesn't love or fancy you I'd personally ignore ,

A couple of questions first

Do you both work

Did you have an energetic sex life at the start of your relationship .

I think you should look into marriage counseling too.

As for condoms did you ever think she doesn't like the feel of cum inside or the feeling after ie messy and so on

My offer to anyone who's own marital problem similar to the OPs was sorted by counseling still stands . I'm genuinely all ears and will stand corrected.

LegacyUser

Gatling wrote: »

Op I honestly think that the two problems are communication and confidence ,
All these posts saying dump her or she doesn't love or fancy you I'd personally ignore ,

A couple of questions first

Do you both work

Did you have an energetic sex life at the start of your relationship .

I think you should look into marriage counseling too.

As for condoms did you ever think she doesn't like the feel of cum inside or the feeling after ie messy and so on

Thanks for the replies guys.

To answer your questions Gatling.

I work full time, wife works part time.

We enjoyed a good, if not very adventurous sex life at the start of our relationship.

Yes I have considered that she may not like the feeling of cum inside her. For many years I was required to dispose of used condoms in scented nappy bags. I felt this was demeaning to me. My cum is the result of our love making. Having this referred to as a "mess" in itself reinforces feelings of rejection.

I am happy to use condoms rather than my wife take the pill, with potential side effects etc, but occasionally it would be nice to "get messy" and not feel like an autonomon.

Even to very, very occasionally feel desired would make a huge difference to my self esteem and our relationship.

LegacyUser

op, I am in the same boat however there are other factors involved in my case, my wife is a recovering alcoholic who suffered abuse in her past. For years i was unhappy with our sex life this was befor I knew about the abuse and alcoholism she is getting heip for the addiction and abuse but is not ready for marriagecounceling . I feel desperately lonely at times but feel like a **** for thinking about sex with all she has been through, if I'm been honest I think that aspect of our marriage is over and I still love my wife very much .i have a decision to make we have three fantastic kids as well to consider.i don't know if I can stay without an intimate relationship. Sorry for being so long winded

Gatling

Personally there could be a few issues underlined here ,
Believe me i know all about lack of intimacy ,
Chances are tiredness ,
Lack of confidence,
Body issuses 2 kids and getting a bit older can have a bad effect of women's views of there bodies,
Even menopause could be a factor , could be worth investigating this has a massive effect on a women's sex drive

Communication is a big issue too ,
Just don't take the teenage boy approach if you don't give it to me I'm out of here ,

The reason I mentioned the cum issue I've 2 close female friends who absolutely hate the stuff ,smell ,look texture , its apparently pretty common for women to dislike cum ,
As a bloke myself it seems weird ,but as people from different generation's have different views on all things sex

fungun

Its funny, there have been a of of threads on this lately. and I have to say that although the feeling out there is women in their 30s/40s hit their sexual peak, pretty much all my wifes friends would say their husbands want a lot more than they do. Sometimes i think the thought of women getting more liberated at those ages keeps men hopeful that things will improve when typically they wont.

Ill also put a counterpoint here - i went for counselling with my missus and it did make a difference. But before we went we were both agreed that we wanted it better and that with recent kids we had just wandered off the right path a bit - and both of us felt it was almost pre-emptive, we hadnt yet got to the place where there was a lot of bitterness stored up. So can counselling work, the answer is yes....but you have to both be able to agree you want the same thing first - if you drag her along to 'fix' a problem which she doesnt really want fixing, then it wont do any good.

Best of luck whatever you decide

December2012

Go and talk to a relationship counsellor.

Honestly, it means that you guys can talk about your relationship problems in a safe place.

Also you seem very insecure - why would you feel demeaned because your wife thinks semen is messy?

strandroad

OP, before you write your marriage off consider one thing. As much as I am for gender equality, I think that the saying "women must be happy to have sex, men must have sex to be happy" has more than a grain of truth in it.

Is your wife an otherwise happy woman? Does she laugh often, enjoy outdoors, meet friends, go out to enjoy movies/gigs/whatever hobbies she has? Is she active, animated? In that case, if sex is the only thing she gave up it may indeed be that she lost interest in you specifically and your marriage may be beyond salvation.

On the other hand, she may be generally unhappy and tired, and sex issues are just part of a bigger picture. You mention young kids and that working part time she is (presumably) the main caretaker. It's such a transition for a woman and I've seen it happen with some of my friends; they stop feeling feminine and become snot wiping and nagging machines, feeling sloppy and unattractive (especially in their post-pregnancy bodies), easily irritated, with sex being the last thing on their minds. If her going off sex is part of a bigger picture there is a chance to work on it with some rearrangements to your family life (to ease her load and get her endorphines going again) and attending counselling to help set priorities.

In other words, are you the factor, or is her life the factor?

syklops

However, not initiating really can damage a man's self esteem.

I hear you.

LegacyUser

syklops wrote: »

I hear you.

The entire non-initiation thing is the most soul destroying factor of all. I had problems with this only 6 months after meeting my eventual wife. The alarm bells rang and I ignored them. I listened to the excuses and believed them, even though I knew it wasn't right in the normal sense. We even had rows about it before we married and I remember getting this fired back in my face, "when couples meet they fck like bunnies for the first few months and then it settles down". I agreed, but didn't accept that "settling down" meant her initiation of sex would go out the window and that I would be the one to constantly initiate thereafter combined with a rapid decline in frequency! It was almost like a switch went off on her. The change was astounding. But I made the biggest mistake of all. I went ahead with the marriage despite my serious misgivings. Thereafter it got worse. While we had a baby 5 years into our marriage, the sex aspect has been a total and absolute struggle. I cannot honestly remember the last time my wife initiated sex and when I do it, I feel dirty and worthless. The amount of times, I've heard the phrase, "C'mon, lets sort you out, I've a busy day tomorrow/ahead. This eventually lead to erectile disfunction. I still suffer from it. Even though I wanted sex, I would rapidly wane as my head kept telling me that she didn't actually want this. I tried medication and it worked but it was soul destroying "going through the motions". We have talked repeatedly. No joy. I get the "promises" but then it returns to the usual state of affairs. Then the inevitable insecurity creeps in. She doesn't fancy me. One cannot be blamed for thinking it.

I feel for anyone in this situation. Personally I have tried all I can do. But the excuses get better. I think is she having an affair? Hard to tell. No obvious signs. But the thought lingers. So one day we had a row about it yet again after civilised discussion failed and I decided enough was enough. I walked out the door and put myself in the way of temptation to cheat. During that process I felt normal again. My body reacted and confidence returned. I didn't follow through on it, but it was enough to know that I'm physically okay. Sexually, I'm mentally ****ed, because I want my wife and she doesn't want me. I'm still with her. Outside of the sex thing she is great, but it just simply is not enough.

<Mod Snip: Removed pseudo-medical/psychological theory meshed with generalisations - per our charter neither are permitted here>

LegacyUser

I had another talk with my wife. There have been issues of tiredness etc with kids. But she acknowledged the lack of initiation on her part and it turns out that she quite likes to be dominated in the bedroom. Thats what does it for her. I am not naturally a dominant person but it was a real turn on talking openly and honestly about our sexuality with each other and I am looking forward to getting to know my wife on a deeper level.

The most important thing in any relationship is honesty. It can be difficult to talk about one's inner most feelings and emotions, even with someone you know and love very much. But not talking and not being honest is more dangerous and insidious than anything that can be said.
Thanks for the replies and support. It was a wake up call when I thought that the situation was beyond salvation. I think we have taken a positive first step and we both now feel better.

Gatling

There's a surprise glad to hear the things are actually looking up for you's

The power of positive communication

Payton

Hi OP, one thing I noticed from your original post..no mention of LOVE between you...both!! Is it just a relationship you have or a marriage?...
I also didn't see what effort you both were putting into your marriage eg..nights out..nights in..making a fuss over eachother.

Glad to hear the talk helped, OP