Would anyone read the first pages of my screenplay?

TheLiveWire

I spent a quiet Sunday at work writing the beginnings of a movie I've been plotting for a while. This being my first foray, I have no idea how it reads, and I'd rather get honest criticism from a stranger than useless compliments from my friends. Would anyone familiar with this form of writing care to read a few pages and let me know what you think?

11811

TheLiveWire wrote: »

I spent a quiet Sunday at work writing the beginnings of a movie I've been plotting for a while. This being my first foray, I have no idea how it reads, and I'd rather get honest criticism from a stranger than useless compliments from my friends. Would anyone familiar with this form of writing care to read a few pages and let me know what you think?

I'd give it a read if you like. I study Film so have a bit of experience with the screenplay form. I'm no expert now, but can definitely provide some feedback and pointers.

TheLiveWire

Awesome!
Theres not much to it yet, but its based around a kind of action/mystery theme.

AnonoBoy

Gave it a quick read.

Couple of things jumped out at me - no need to put camera directions in the script, except where absolutely necessary.

Come up with names for the companies and airfields etc. - don't ever send scripts to someone without it being complete. (I know this just the beginning so it doesn't matter, but it makes the reader think you haven't thought anything through if you don't have names for people/places/things yet)

TheLiveWire

Ok, thanks. But I thought camera directions were a crucial part if the screenplay?

And about the names, I know, but they're part of the ongoing mystery aspect so they're the hardest part I've found about writing so far.

And other than that it seems ok? Not too slow or fast moving, or difficult to read?

AnonoBoy

TheLiveWire wrote: »

Ok, thanks. But I thought camera directions were a crucial part if the screenplay?

Nope. It's the director's job to decide how the film is going to be shot, not the screenwriters. Most directors will throw out a screenwriter's camera directions if they are there.

And other than that it seems ok? Not too slow or fast moving, or difficult to read?

It's not difficult to read.

It does seems a bit 'expositiony' though. A lot of people telling each other what they do or who they are at the start which people can tire of.

I'm guessing that maybe something will go wrong with the plane and that'll form a large part of the mystery?

If it's something like that then think about perhaps starting with the accident or the sabatoge. Hook people in with something exciting and then jump back to show how we got to this stage?

Really though you need to get the first act down before I could give you more of an opinion than that.

11811

Hi, I had a read of it over the day, pretty much similar feedback to that above. No need for camera directions at all. As mentioned that will be a job for the director and DoP!

It reads ok, but I'd agree with Anonoboy, the dialogue is very expositional. Try to cut down on the amount the actors tell us whats happening and rely more on the visual side of things to tell the story. A good exercise is to try and remove a good bit of dialogue and see if the story works!

Also I'm a little unsure if the premise works, a mechanic starts building planes?
Now this is solely based on what I've read so far. But to me seems a little hard to believe. Ideally I would like to read more of it or see a treatment so I could form a better opinion!

Average-Ro

Main two things have already been mentioned, get rid of camera directions in the script and give the company and airfield proper names.

There's a few other small things (typos, clunky expositional dialouge, talking to the reader and not the viewer etc.) But don't worry about them yet. Keep going with what you have now and finish the first draft. Once that's done, the rewrites begin. Rewrites can be tough, but it feels good to get that first draft done:-)

Do you have a treatment or outline written down somewhere? Its always a useful go to if you get writer's block.

Fair play to you for starting, and for putting it out there to get feedback.

TheLiveWire

Oh I see. Fair enough, I wasn't seeing the difference between the script that I write and the script edited by the directors for filming.
To what extent does the screenwriter impact the filming then?

I'll take all that on board and rewrite or edit it when I get a chance. And about the mechanic building planes, I was aware of the jump there but wanted to test my writing more than the story at that time. I have the storyline in my head but when I put pen to paper, there's just so many ways things can play out, I keep second-guessing myself and changing it.

Ill post an edited one in a while if anyone of you would like a second look.
Thanks again:)

johnnysmack

TheLiveWire wrote: »

Oh I see. Fair enough, I wasn't seeing the difference between the script that I write and the script edited by the directors for filming.
To what extent does the screenwriter impact the filming then?

The writer only needs to worry about making the script as good as it possibly can be. The director will have a vision of how it will all look, the actors will be able pull out of the text what their characters are like. Really the writer has no impact on the actually filming itself. As soon as you hand over the script you're pretty much done unless something needs to be rewritten.

TheLiveWire

Unless of course the man who wrote it intends to direct it.
That's a little disappointing if I'm honest.

Average-Ro

It's how things are done I'm afraid. The writer's main concern is the story, not the visuals or camera moves or anything like that. Unless, like you said, you're a writer/director...

I'd really recommend writing out a detailed outline before you go any further. It'll help prevent the second guessing your feeling when you put pen to paper. I'd say take a full day to write out a detailed treatment and then you'll have a much better idea of where the story is heading.

TheLiveWire

Im really having trouble with how much information to put into the script. Does anyone have a good solid example of one they could link me to?

11811

TheLiveWire wrote: »

Im really having trouble with how much information to put into the script. Does anyone have a good solid example of one they could link me to?

Here is a site that has quite a few screenplays on it. Have a read of a few on here to get you started. Some will differ a bit in terms of formatting etc, but you'll get a feel of how a screenplay should read.

http://sfy.ru/

indough

just google for a screenplay(s) similar to the one you're trying to write. you should really read up on screenplay formatting before attempting anything, check out syd field's book for that along with the most commonly used writing processes

johnnysmack

You don't have to go into much detail about places, just let them know where they are. Say a scene is set in a cafe, all you have to say is it's in a cafe. No need to go into detail like there's 7 tables with 2 of them against the wall with only one facing the morning sunlight.

Or for the characters just say this person is tall, this person is bald etc no need for their life story (unless thats what the story is about!). But even saying a person is tall in the script doesn't mean they'll be cast that way eg Tom Cruise cast as Jack Reacher

Your main concern is the dialouge.

11811

johnnysmack wrote: »

Your main concern is the dialouge.

I'd disagree somewhat...
A good screenplay should not focus solely on dialogue, it should focus on visual storytelling through strong imagery and metaphor. Yes dialogue is important to aid developing character, but for one to stand out it must be visually appealing. If your focusing on dialogue you might as well write radio plays.

TheLiveWire

A completely different story, but altogether better I think..