Problem

LegacyUser

So,

Don't really know how to start this but i'll just try and get it all out.

Firstly I have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend but my problem is that he is friends with his ex girlfriend (His first love {his words}).

They broke up and lost contact but a couple of years later met up and became friends. They are in regular contact through "the dreaded facebook" and he would ring her regularly.
She has recently become single. Over the course of her relationship with this other person, afaik they had regular enough spoken contact but he never really went up to see her. This has changed over the last while.

I didn't mind them being in contact, they are only friends after all but my issue is that I feel since now that she is single she is asking him to do stuff for her, stuff that her boyfriend would have done but hes not there anymore. He is at the moment "helping" her with stuff. She "bribed" him with a bag of weed to get him to go up to her as he doesn't have any at the moment. She knew he wouldn't say no to this.

I have spoken to him about how I feel, as in I am uncomfortable with him spending time with her. He placates me telling me they are just friends etc etc. I trust him but I don't really know her, how do I know she doesn't harbor feelings for him?

Yes reading back I know I sound like an insecure fool. I know this is all my problem but how do I go about getting over the feelings I have towards their relationship.

It just really gets to me and I don't know how to change the way I feel about them.

I put this here and not in RI as I feel its something I need to change within myself.

Any advise would be great

HeavenHelp

Insecurity is totally normal. It would be more worrying if you had never considered the implications of him hanging out with an ex.

Insecurity only becomes a problem if you can't see it. You've assessed the situation, you know how you feel and why, and you want to resolve the issue. That's great, and means you've already fought half the battle.

It's not all you though.

HeavenHelp wrote: »

He is at the moment "helping" her with stuff.

What stuff exactly? You say it's stuff her boyfriend would normally do, but that could mean a lot of things. Even though you say there's nothing going on, and even though he says they're just friends, there's another issue to consider - disrespect. Just because they're not doing anything wrong, doesn't mean it's not disrespectful to dismiss your worries. It does sound a bit like she might be using him as a support now that she's single. They don't have to be cheating for you to be justified in airing concerns. Don't dismiss your own right to be irrationally bothered. He shouldn't have to change but he should certainly be listening, and doing his best to ameliorate the situation. You're allowed to be annoyed, even if it is down to your own insecurity.

blatantrereg

It sounds a little too intimate and cosy and the bribery of a bag of weed is hardly reassuring.

Have you met her much/at all? If not then suggest he invites her down. You'll probably be able to tell whether they are friends or if there's more to it if you see them together.

If it's innocent they'll probably both be happy that you're being inclusive. I wouldn't have patience if he didn't respond well, or particularly if he tried to suggest it was obtrusive on your part. It's completely reasonable to ask that.

As a rule of thumb, if your ex has just become single and asks you to come stay with them to get stoned and to "help" them, you can pretty much assume they are trying to have sex with you. If you go, you probably want to have sex with them too, if you're being honest with yourself.

Merkin

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. She sounds manipulative and wouldn't like it that she needs your boyfriend to "help her with stuff". What kind of stuff? Unpacking boxes? Acting as a counsellor? Putting up shelves? Helping her reach orgasm? What are the specifics of the "stuff" he is helping her with? It all sounds very cosy and far too intimate and I think that the parameters of what is and isn't appropriate behaviour with an ex should be very clearly drawn.

I also wouldn't like it that you've tried very clearly to express your discomfort with all of this and your OH has been so dismissive. I'd be having a serious sit-down again if I were you. You're not being unreasonable at all - he is.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.


I have met her and she seems fine. This is why I am at odds as to why I'm feeling like this about them.

The things he said he was doing for her were shopping and stuff as she has no car.

He came back last night after about 5 hours altogether. I was fairly short with him. I said it doesn't take that long to do a bit of shopping etc... I again told him that I wasn't happy he was spending "cosy time" with his ex. He seemed flabbergasted and said he was just getting her out of a hole and there was nothing between them. They were friends long before we even got together so I know that this is just my problem and I told him this and that I would deal with it myself.


He later apologised and said he didn't want me to feel like that. I know he loves me to pieces.


I honestly don't think there is anything going on. I do agree that he needs to take my feelings under consideration and I think that he has.


Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

StillWaters

Nope, this is not just your problem. There is one thing being ok with friends of the opposite gender, even exes. Another being taken for a fool. 5 hours to do shopping, that is literally incredible!

Merkin

I again told him that I wasn't happy he was spending "cosy time" with his ex. He seemed flabbergasted and said he was just getting her out of a hole and there was nothing between them. They were friends long before we even got together so I know that this is just my problem and I told him this and that I would deal with it myself.

It's actually not your problem, in fact I think you need to stand your ground on this one. I'm very relaxed and would never dream of dictating terms to my husband, neither would he to me, BUT if he was doing this with an ex girlfriend I'd be really very uncomfortable and I'd have it out with him. You said you've met her and she seems fine. Of course she does, she's going to paint the best possible picture of herself in order to spend more time with your boyfriend. I also don't like her bribing him with a bag of weed, she's manipulative and knows how to push his buttons obviously. I'd ask him to put the shoe on the other foot and ask him how he would feel if you spend five hours on an evening "helping" your ex boyfriend? If he cares for you I can't imagine he'd be at all happy about it.

I honestly don't think there is anything going on.

YET. She sounds manipulative and if they are spending so much time together then temptation is in the way. Especially if she wants him back. I don't think she is whiter than white. If I was single I wouldn't go and ask an ex with a girlfriend to come and help me with my domestic duties. It's inappropriate and she knows that surely.

I do agree that he needs to take my feelings under consideration and I think that he has.

Has he really? Has he just said he's going to stop spending time with her or what conclusion was reached?

LegacyUser

He just apologised and said he didn't want me to feel the way I was feeling. He never said he wouldn't see her again.


I don't want to tell him not to see her as I have no right to dictate to him who he spends his time with.


He is a very friends focused person. He spends time away with other friends, he said that she is the only ex he is friends with.


I have said to him how would he feel if it was me spending time away with my ex's and he said its not the same thing because I'm not friends with any of my ex's. I'm not friends with any of them because they are my ex's but I'm sure if I got in contact with any of them a friendship could resume. He said I would just be doing this to spite him - which I probably would - but I think I know that he would be upset even though he said he wouldn't care.


I think the real issue for me is the fact that they were both their first loves. This in itself is a very special bond, I know because I still think fondly of mine. Not in a regretful or wanting way just remembering back to that time in my life. I would never want to be with him again but who's to say he wouldn't want to be with me. This is why I'm so upset.

So where do I go from here? Do I wait for the next phone call, her looking for more help. He knows that I would never forbid him from seeing her. I mean I don't mind them talking on the phone or Facebook or whatever, but it's just her having expectations of him because it's what he has always done.

Boombastic

Shopping is a thing that needs to be done regularly, do you see this becoming a regular/ weekly thing? Apart from the fact they took 5 hours to do it...I would say to my partner that she is an adult and should be able to get her own shopping. Could you do your shopping at the same time. it'd save on trips to the supermarket, or send him with the list, he'll have to come home with the frozen stuff.... I'd see how he reacts. If it's a major problem for him to do this, I would be concerned about the innocence of his visits

Merkin

I really truly don't know what to advise other than the fact that you have every right to put your foot down in this instance. If he is so friends focused and not short on company why then does he insist on spending a disproportionate amount of time with this particular "friend"? Surely she has other "friends" too who could take her to the shops? Five hours helping her with her shopping on a Monday evening is just absolutely ridiculous. Hasn't she heard of online shopping? And what are they talking about during these phone calls and Facebook chats you refer to?

How are things between you otherwise?

It seems like she has some kind of hold over him and he is at pains to please her. If I was in your shoes I'd have a sit down, express the genuine level of upset and anxiety that this is causing you and respectfully ask him not to see her on their own again. He should really respect your wishes. I'm not suggesting you giving him ultimatums (they usually backfire) but just tell him again how you're feeling about this and can he maybe nominate another friend to help her with her domestic duties. No need to sever ties necessarily but he does need to keep a distance as his level of dedication/assistance/support isn't approriate for someone with a girlfriend already.

Emme

Your boyfriend's ex could do her shopping online. Tesco, Superquinn and other stores have websites for this.

I wouldn't be happy with a boyfriend spending 5 hours with an ex. Your situation reminds me of the late Princess Diana quote "there were three of us in the relationship".

And next time you go shopping, ask your boyfriend to come with you and make sure the shopping trip lasts 5 hours.

I had male friends who when they met their girlfriends stopped spending time with me, meeting for coffee etc. I would only see them with their girlfriends and I was find with that. That applied to ex-boyfriends I was friends with.

You say that they were each other's "first loves". That doesn't get him off the hook. You are supposed to be his love now. You don't spend an inordinate amount of time with your first love. Did he spend much time with her when she was with her boyfriend apart from phone and facebook?

I would speak to your boyfriend and let him know how uneasy this is making you. If he continues to have 5 hour meetings with her despite knowing how you feel about it maybe you would be better out of the relationship. If you have to fight for a man he's not worth having - you're better off with a guy who puts you first and not his ex or exes.

Do you smoke weed? If not are you compatible with somebody who does or whose ex gives him weed as a bribe?