Bite the bullet and forget it ...

Snatchy

Hello all - I haven't been on boards for a very long time but stumbled upon this forum while browsing/reminiscing on my "boardsing days" - what a great little place!

Whilst on here, I thought I would post on my little dilemma and see what wisdom may come my way. Thank you in advance for reading and yes, I realise this is a first world issue and nothing remotely significant when compared to some of the other stories on here so feel free to stop reading at this point and give your contribution to a more worthy cause.

So - I'm a guy, 27, living in New York since last November. I have a good job (corporate lawyer) but usually work very long hours. I live in a nice apartment, in a nice area, I have very good friends (both at home and in NY). I like to think I'm a reasonably nice person - good manners, integrity, moral compass etc.

I've only ever had one long-term girlfriend many moons ago. From when I was 17 to about 22.

In saying that, I also had one or two 2-5 month flings with different girls and have always done reasonably well in terms of success ratio on a night out.

In short, I'm very happy with my life and am where I want to be bar the one obvious thing.

Issue: I haven't actually had any feelings for any girl since my youthful romance. I love taking girls out for dinner, drinks, get on very well with them etc., have great conversations etc. then as soon as the physical thing is done and dusted I have no particular interest in seeing them again! Not great on my part to be honest but I can't force feelings.

And yes, I have given some girls "a chance" (following advice from my girl-friends) but it never works out - the more times I see them, the more effort I feel I have to expend and the more resentful I feel - which is not good for anyone.

Don't get me a wrong - I'm not a d*ck who just sleeps with girls and never calls them afterward. I sleep with them, take them out for dinner the following weekend and gently tell them it's not going to work out because we have nothing in common - we enjoyed our short time together, now its time to part ways!

So, two months ago, I was walking home from a night out and heard two Oirish accents behind me. Alas - two very attractive ladies - conversation ensued, we had one last drink, exchanged numbers etc.

Turns out they are my age, both single, best friends and live three blocks away.

Uh oh.... :D

Lets call them:

Girl A - gorgeous, friendly, easy going, strong family values, caring, grounded, keeps it on the straight and narrow, I can read her pretty well - the perfect "girl next door" type; and

Girl B - gorgeous, slightly goofy and unpredictable, friendly, aloof, can't read her that well at all, the perfect "I'm this slightly mental model" type.

The three of us have spent a lot of time hanging with each other in the last two months or so. Dinner/drinks a few times a week, walks through parks etc. etc. - totally in the "friends" realm.

My approach to the situation was that because they live so close to me, it's great having two really nice girls to go out with after work on a school-night or meet for breakfast on a Saturday morning - no fuss - just good conversation. Equally, I'm no fool, and they are both very very attractive but I just took a conscious decision to ignore that factor. Oh yes, they are straight too.

Basically, I have really enjoyed hanging out with the two of them and feel lucky to have met them. When not hanging out we are always messaging on a three-way whatsapp thing - just having the craic.

All this time though, I am still doing what I have been doing the last few years (as described above).

About threeweeks ago, I had a bit of an epiphany.

I realised that I have been spending all this time getting with girls who I don't have much attraction for (other than the physical) but I have one of the best I've ever met under my nose and have virtually done nothing about it! (Girl A)

We have met a number of times after this realisation and I wouldn't say that I have had "feelings" developing for her but definitely something over and above the general "friend-zone" we have been in up to that point. Slightly more potent each time too.

We had one particularly boozy Wednesday evening where, I thought (perhaps just wishful thinking in my part) that Girl A was willingly having an intensified level of conversation with me whilst Girl B was at the bar chatting to a guy for half an hour or so. The conversation concerned my dating experiences in NY so far and what I was looking for etc. I responded truthfully and reciprocated with the questions. I genuinely thought I should tell her that I like her because (again, perhaps just in my head..) I thought she wanted me to say it and because I wanted to say it.

I didn't get the chance because Girl B was back from the bar just before I summoned the strength to tell her. Of course I was very careful about it because I know that if I say something like that, it could have a massively prejudicial impact on our three-way friendship.

Nonetheless, I was a little annoyed with myself walking home that night. Slightly frustrated also...

One key fact to this little story is that I had never been in the company of either of them in isolation for longer than the above-stated conversation and toilet breaks!

So...

I think I like this girl.

Seriously.

Really like this girl.

I'm starting to think about her quite a bit. I don't like that. :rolleyes:

I think I'm feeling things that I haven't felt in a long time. Maybe it's the mind playing tricks, maybe it's me jumping to conclusions. Call it what you will, but the reality is that I want us to be more than friends.

Like I said, I was frustrated by that night where I almost told her but didn't.

The following weekend (the one before last), I knew that Girl B would be in Washington for work on Monday and Tuesday.

I decided to take the opportunity. Divide and conquer and all that.

We went for drinks on a Monday. Had a few but nothing major. Really good conversation as always for about three hours.

Distinct recollection in my head of me thinking, "I really like her, just say it, man up! She's gorgeous, if you don't tell her now, you never will...".

Got a little nervous too - I never get nervous!:mad:

I have to say, bar that half an hour long conversation described above, there doesn't seem to have been a massive amount of what one would classically refer to as "chemistry" but I think that we are big boys and girls and this ain't a Hollywood romcom! Equally, we haven't exactly spent much time alone...

So I said it. Given my natural "wall-building" tendencies, I qualified the "I like you" as follows:

- didn't want to say it before now because I really like hanging out with you and Girl B and this could potentially not be the same again;

- didn't feel like this about you straight away but something has happened in the last three weeks where I've realised that you absolutely, completely tick all of my boxes;

- you don't need to give me an answer now because I know that I've put you on the spot;

- I realise that this is not the most romantic thing you've ever heard but I had to make this as diplomatic as possible given the situation. Also, I'm not the type to just "dive in" unannounced!;

The reaction

Well...not great but I guess not the worst and pretty understandable given that I sprang this on her out of nowhere:

- she said she was flattered;
- she said she was impressed with my "bravery" and "diplomatic approach";
- she said that she too did not see me in this way when we met but agreed to us being very similar in many ways;
- she said that Girl B really likes spending time with me too and that she has to consider that;
- she said that she doesn't want to make an impulsive decision, needs to think about it and would let me know;

That's it. End of date.

Since then (it has been a week), we haven't met but only because I was very busy at work all of last week (they asked me to meet for drinks last Thursday but I couldn't go) and was gone to Chicago to meet friends for the weekend.

The three-way whatsapp thing was dead on Monday and Tuesday but came alive and has been active since then.

No word whatsoever from either Girl A or Girl B regarding what I said.

OK - that is all I have.

Sorry if you have read this far and are disappointed with the conclusion (or lack thereof).

I don't think I can do anything else on this.

I spent most of last weekend thinking about her (urghghg!) but I can't help but think that nothing is going to happen.

I hope we can still be friends and hang out

Thought??

Many thanks in advance..

Snatchy

Woww - I just realised that this is a complete essay! Apologies for the length and any typos (of which I'm sure there are a few...)

Merkin

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for exactly. I think your approach was absolutely fine and it seems (understandably) that her reaction wasn't quite what you had hoped or anticipated. There is nothing else you can do really as you have been quite open and candid with her and there's nothing to be gained by pushing the point even further.

There's a potential subtext to everything you wrote insofar as there is a possibility that it is in fact Girl B who harbours romantic notions for you which would have resulted in Girl A being flattered but also reluctant to get involved and also unable to "out" her friend. Do you think that this might be the case?

In any event I think you behaved well and you've nothing to be embarrassed about so just chalk it down to experience and keep an open mind that things/circumstances may change in future.

ladysarah

well done for your approach. The girls are best friends and the girl you are interested in may well be. protecting her friendship with ms b. I would just leave it as the ball is in her court. you are lucky to have 2 good friends and you are aware of that. I really hope it works out for you.

irishgirl19

I agree. It seems as if girl B likes you and that would be making girl A reluctant to be with you romantically

maria34

Yes i think the same. Girl B is into you and girl A values her friendship too much.

Snatchy

Thank you for your replies guys.

By way of update, Girl A asked me to come for a few drinks last night (Girl B is out of town for a few days).

We had a good chat, a bottle of wine and then I said I would walk her home.

As we started to walk, she made reference to what I had proposed to her last week and said that in spite of:

- her being flattered;
- me giving her plenty of food for thought; and
- that more guys should take the approach I took (not sure how true that is);

she would prefer we would just be friends. The sole reason she gave was that she has had recent bad experiences with friends turning to something more and then losing those people in both capacities.

I sense there is more to it than that. It could well be that Girl B has a thing for me (that's just speculation, I'm not being presumptuous) but really I think it comes down to the fact that we just didn't have any real chemistry and she knew it (though she didn't say it). I knew it too but thought (a) she's really attractive and (b) ticks all my other boxes - and I'm 27 and don't need "the shakes" to know when someone is a good match. Probably for the best...

Naturally, the pride is a little dented because obviously, I put myself out there and got shot down but honestly, I wouldn't change my approach because at least now I know!

Also, I think we can definitely continue being just friends and have fun - I still walked her home for twenty minutes last night and we just had a laugh as if she didn't just shoot me down!

As Merkin says, I'll chalk it down to experience.

Thanks again,

Snatchy