Confidence very low

Call Me Jimmy

Hi, I'm basically getting desperate to find a girl (feels strange just typing it, I never thought I'd be one of those guys), despite being aware that the more anxious I get about it the less likely it is to happen.
I'm just sick of having the lowest confidence in all of dublin city any time I go out. Can confidence ever be recovered from such a low point? I mean it's almost funny at this stage how vast the difference between normal male / female interaction and my completely non-existent interaction.

I don't really know how to put it but ever since I was about 15 I've hated how I look to point of it leading me to isolating myself. I used to be the most confident person you'd meet but years of feeling ugly have taken a massive toll on my psyche.

I'm a older now, 26 and I've gained a lot of wisdom, but every time I try to put it into practice when I'm out I fall apart. I just wish I could have a couple of years before I get too old looking, where I can actually enjoy that thrill that people get just talking to people where there might be a mutual attraction. The idea of someone fancying me seems like something I won't accept.

I'm just incredibly lonely and at a loss. I don't know where I stand in terms of looks so I don't know how to act accordingly. Like I don't feel I have the right to be confident if I look the way I think I do, kind of feel like I would just be a joke. And if I knew I was a bit better looking I'd have a platform to be more interesting and myself. I know, I should focus on just enjoying myself and let things happen as they happen. But I have always thought like that and it's just becoming tiring, and I'm getting down.

Just wondering really has anyone advice for extreme low confidence, and how do you believe that people could be attracted to you?

Lorna123

You won't find a girl with your attitude towards yourself. You don't have to be good looking for a girl to be attracted to you, but what you do need to have is self confidence. Pick out your good points and then work on these. I am sure you have things going for you. For a start you wrote in here so you are intelligent.

Join different groups where you can meet women on a one to one situation rather than in a crowd.

Above all quit zoning in on yourself, that's very unattractive to a woman. Women prefer a good personality and it is possible for you to get this if you work at it. You can buy psychology books that will help you to achieve it.

You are only 26 so you have plenty of time to gain confidence and start to interact with different people.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so I am sure that there are plenty of women out there who would find you attractive but you have to like yourself for starters.

We would all be lonely if we didn't get out there and make it happen. You could join meetup.com and start to live. Best of Luck.

Wanderer2010

OP, this issue you have with not being attractive enough is whats causing you to stumble. There are millions of people out there who are not at all attractive and yet they have boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands and wives and in many many cases these people dont even have a good enough personality to make up for their looks so keep this in mind when torturing yourself over your looks. Im not saying that you are ugly or good looking (I have never seen you!), Im saying that looks arent everything when it comes to the opposite sex. I have been baffled over the years as to how certain people can have anyone bother with them but bizzarely some horrible people have other halves, extremely dull and boring people are married when they have absolutely NO redeeming features!

So try not to worry about how you are looking and remember how many horrible people are paired up, try to focus your attention on your good points, there really is someone out there for everyone. Best of luck.

murria

Hi OP. I rarely post anything on these boards, but I'm a big time lurker on many threads. I have read a lot of your posts on the "Let's all be.." thread and have always wanted to say something to you, but as I'm not a sufferer I don't somehow feel I have the right (stupid I know).

When I read some of the advice and words of wisdom you offer to others I am constantly blown away. You always know the right thing to say to people in their dark moments, I'm sure you have saved many a life on here and I'm shocked today to learn that you are only 26!! You are an absolutely gorgeous person, you are so understanding and considerate of other peoples feelings. I have no idea what you look like but you are beautiful through and through and that is the most attractive quality anyone can possess.

I have a friend who, in his own words, is built like Tellytubby. He is about 5' 6", overweight, going bald, but by God he has the most dazzling personality. He is involved in so many things, he is a good friend to everyone and is always at the centre of the crowd. People are just attracted to him, not necessarily in a physical way, he makes people feel special. He is basically a good man.

From your posts, I know that you are also a good man. I'm actually relieved to find today that you are only26. Its certainly not too late for you find someone, in fact its the perfect age (every age is). I know I haven't answered your question, but I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, you already know what to do, you are far wiser than I and I am twice your age. When you do eventually find someone you love, she will be the luckiest woman alive because you are quite a catch.

I hope you find love and happiness because you deserve them both.

Call Me Jimmy

Lorna123 wrote: »

You won't find a girl with your attitude towards yourself. You don't have to be good looking for a girl to be attracted to you, but what you do need to have is self confidence. Pick out your good points and then work on these. I am sure you have things going for you. For a start you wrote in here so you are intelligent.

Join different groups where you can meet women on a one to one situation rather than in a crowd.

Above all quit zoning in on yourself, that's very unattractive to a woman. Women prefer a good personality and it is possible for you to get this if you work at it. You can buy psychology books that will help you to achieve it.

You are only 26 so you have plenty of time to gain confidence and start to interact with different people.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so I am sure that there are plenty of women out there who would find you attractive but you have to like yourself for starters.

We would all be lonely if we didn't get out there and make it happen. You could join meetup.com and start to live. Best of Luck.

I think you might be on to something about the one-on-one situation idea (and everything else). My problem is taking what you say, and what I have thought about and I suppose actually being in a strong enough place to really feel it at the time. Most of the time I feel I'm working hard just to stay positive, which in itself is draining.

An incident happened a couple of years ago and ever since it I feel like I had one of those movie transformations, The Man Who Became Too Sensitive For His Own Good. I see it is as my role a lot of the time when I'm out to keep things going well for everyone.

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

OP, this issue you have with not being attractive enough is whats causing you to stumble. There are millions of people out there who are not at all attractive and yet they have boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands and wives and in many many cases these people dont even have a good enough personality to make up for their looks so keep this in mind when torturing yourself over your looks. Im not saying that you are ugly or good looking (I have never seen you!), Im saying that looks arent everything when it comes to the opposite sex. I have been baffled over the years as to how certain people can have anyone bother with them but bizzarely some horrible people have other halves, extremely dull and boring people are married when they have absolutely NO redeeming features!

So try not to worry about how you are looking and remember how many horrible people are paired up, try to focus your attention on your good points, there really is someone out there for everyone. Best of luck.

I hope I didn't come across as if I think looks are everything, believe me I don't think I could last long with a dull person no matter how good looking! But I do focus on them a lot, maybe a lot of the time it is unconscious where I say I'm not focusing or thinking about looks but it could be that just under the surface I am. Not sure.

The issue with my looks I agree is causing me to stumble but how can people tell that, strangers? They can tell that I am not confident even though I feel like I am projecting confidence 'fake it until you make it'. I suppose my body language must give more away then I think. I'm sure if I saw a video of myself I'd see it.

murria wrote: »

Hi OP. I rarely post anything on these boards, but I'm a big time lurker on many threads. I have read a lot of your posts on the "Let's all be.." thread and have always wanted to say something to you, but as I'm not a sufferer I don't somehow feel I have the right (stupid I know).

When I read some of the advice and words of wisdom you offer to others I am constantly blown away. You always know the right thing to say to people in their dark moments, I'm sure you have saved many a life on here and I'm shocked today to learn that you are only 26!! You are an absolutely gorgeous person, you are so understanding and considerate of other peoples feelings. I have no idea what you look like but you are beautiful through and through and that is the most attractive quality anyone can possess.

I have a friend who, in his own words, is built like Tellytubby. He is about 5' 6", overweight, going bald, but by God he has the most dazzling personality. He is involved in so many things, he is a good friend to everyone and is always at the centre of the crowd. People are just attracted to him, not necessarily in a physical way, he makes people feel special. He is basically a good man.

From your posts, I know that you are also a good man. I'm actually relieved to find today that you are only26. Its certainly not too late for you find someone, in fact its the perfect age (every age is). I know I haven't answered your question, but I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, you already know what to do, you are far wiser than I and I am twice your age. When you do eventually find someone you love, she will be the luckiest woman alive because you are quite a catch.

I hope you find love and happiness because you deserve them both.

Wow, thank you murria. That means a lot, really! I just think maybe in the young(ish) social scene I'm not sure positives like this translate necessarily. Well they must, but I don't know at the moment. I could be the one appearing dull when I'm out and about. It's hard to self-assess because I feel like I don't have an accurate picture of myself physically as I mentioned.

But I take on board from all of you that less self-assessment is probably a big part of moving forward. The only problem is genuinely stopping that, I may say 'oh don't think about yourself' and then five seconds later worrying about something about myself.

Lorna123

OP, I don't know what you look like but I have to say I know a man who was not gifted in the looks department, in fact I would never be attracted to his looks, but I have to say that he is so confident that I thoroughly respect him and I have a lot of admiration for him and if both are circumstances were different I could actually fancy him, and all of this is because he feels good about himself and this makes me respect him so much. The message here is to act like you are oozing with confidence and it will eventually come naturally and you will come across so attractive that you will be beating the women off. You are just as good as anyone else on this planet and don't forget that. I bet you aren't even ugly.