Ex pretend friend lied about having a partner

LegacyUser

I'm not too sure what to here and not sure if I need advice or I just need to vent. I'll get going:

I was on a fetish dating site. Through there I got involved with a man. We chatted for a few weeks and met or tea/coffee. That went well and we progressed into a hotel room where we shared a night of kink and fetish together. It was beautiful.

I wasn't deluding myself as to where this was going to take me. The site that we met on is similiar to facebook. There are a lot of events held and social gatherings and many people form good friendships and more. I was open for friendship between us and for the possibility of more of the same between us.

What came afterwards was nothing more but a headfcuk. I didn't see it at the time though.

He became such a charmer and was so forward with the offerings of little promises. This happened under a few different scenarios and all involved setting me up with an expectation just for them to fall flat. One promise in particular there was something so tangible there from him and it involved mailing me something. Just for an excuse to barely follow and all left open and the impression that all is well and truly good with whatever friendship that was there and forming.

So after maybe about fourth let down or so, he was trying to arrange another meet and there were about four let downs previous to this and one still left open and hanging in the air. I pulled him up on what he was playing at and I wasn't subtle whereas before I was but this time I was short,direct and to the very point. An excuse that gave the impression that butter wouldn't melt in his mouth and that he can do no wrong. I was left with a conflicting opinion of him. I thought maybe he would rectify the disappointment especially when I aired my disappointment to him. There was nothing. No apology or anything. Yet days before he wanted to hook up with me.
Was kept in limbo. There was so much doubt and confusion. Nothing made sense to me and my head and my mind began to wander into spirals. Wandered into territory of what his true intentions could have been. Was his sweetness deliberate? For what? Why? or was it genuine? Or was there something more at play? Considering we met on a kink/fetish/bdsm site - was it perhaps a tactic for control/domination/sadism purposes? Some sort of a humiliation fetish perhaps? But that was something I did not consent to nor was he taking any responsibilty whatsoever falling into a safety net of excuses. My mind was just so wrecked. I went back to him for some sort of clarity. He denied anything with excuses.

All that is over but my god, my head was fcuked and it was so prolonged.

So what am I writing about here?

I googled his name last night. He didn't even give me his real name during our time together. His surname was made up but I found his real name another way. Anyway I googled his name and what I read made my blood run cold. He would be somewhat in the public eye in his locality and there was a newspaper piece from, playing happy families with a partner and kids.

I feel so sick with what I read. He gave the impression that he was free and single for his fun. Dragging me into a love triangle. What if his partner found my number on his phone. He'd have no problems lying to her. I could have found an angry partner on my back making me out to be completely at fault for his partner swaying. God only knows. Either way I'm crushed with this new revelation. Nothing more but sheer fcukery and deceivery. Not only to me but hiding a partner and kids. Probably to her too. My dad used to cheat on my mom and I swore blind growing up that I would never do anything like that or get involved in an affair. He not only fcuked with my head after getting his jollies out of me, he cheated with me with the hand of cards he was holding. Why didn't he just lay his cards out on the table for me and tell me whatever that he has a partner at home who doesn't understand his interests perhaps and he's looking to indulge. He could have let me decide for myself.

I don't know if I should contact him. Tell him what I know. Contact his partner who he claimed to be an ex and let her know what's happening because no doubt he's probably deceiving her. Or not do anything.

I'm sick to my stomach.

Oryx

Sometimes people are just a-holes. You've learned this the hard way. That's just one of the risks of online meetups, you dont know if the person is real or not.

Don't contact him. Chalk it up to bitter experience and move on.

ABajaninCork

With a lot of male profiles you find on dating website you can bet a good 90% of them are fake for whatever reason. Married, hooked up, kids, 10 years older then they say, three stone heavier than they say, bald, you name it!

You had some fun, and it was great. Now you find out he's hooked up. Are you seriously surprised??

Thank your lucky stars you found out when you did. Put it out of your head and keep moving. Just be more careful, next time. Even more so given the sites you're on. I'm sure there's plenty more where he came from.

Eric Cartman

ABajaninCork wrote: »

With a lot of male profiles you find on dating website you can bet a good 90% of them are fake for whatever reason. Married, hooked up, kids, 10 years older then they say, three stone heavier than they say, bald, you name it!

You had some fun, and it was great. Now you find out he's hooked up. Are you seriously surprised??

Thank your lucky stars you found out when you did. Put it out of your head and keep moving. Just be more careful, next time. Even more so given the sites you're on. I'm sure there's plenty more where he came from.

A great bit of sexism and a good generalisation there :rolleyes:

ABajaninCork

Eric Cartman wrote: »

A great bit of sexism and a good generalisation there :rolleyes:

So what? :rolleyes: It's true.

Lorna123

You met up with a User. This is the chance you take when you meet up with strangers. He was out for what he could get and wasn't interested in anything else. He wanted no strings attached so he gave you a false name. You feel lousy now because you feel used, but this is the price you are paying so that this never happens to you again. You have learnt by this so just forget about him. Don't attempt to make contact with him again. Don't lower yourself to his level. Just learn from it.

Merkin

I am not being funny but you really and truly need to let this go. You must. How many threads is it now you have started on this guy? I think there were at least two threads relating to the gift he had said he'd popped in the post and which didn't materialise. For something that happened quite some time ago you seem fixated on the man. I also would question whether you are cut out for a fetish/BDSM lifestyle if this is how attached and dare I say obsessed you become afterwards. I can understand that it's upsetting he lied about having a partner and kids but considering that it was only ever meant to be a one-nighter you should let it go and be glad you didn't get involved any further. If you continue having such difficulty with this issue you should probably seek help from a counsellor who will help you work through your issues.

JillyQ

CuteSoftTeddy wrote: »

I'm not too sure what to here and not sure if I need advice or I just need to vent. I'll get going:

I was on a fetish dating site. Through there I got involved with a man. We chatted for a few weeks and met or tea/coffee. That went well and we progressed into a hotel room where we shared a night of kink and fetish together. It was beautiful.

I wasn't deluding myself as to where this was going to take me. The site that we met on is similiar to facebook. There are a lot of events held and social gatherings and many people form good friendships and more. I was open for friendship between us and for the possibility of more of the same between us.

What came afterwards was nothing more but a headfcuk. I didn't see it at the time though.

He became such a charmer and was so forward with the offerings of little promises. This happened under a few different scenarios and all involved setting me up with an expectation just for them to fall flat. One promise in particular there was something so tangible there from him and it involved mailing me something. Just for an excuse to barely follow and all left open and the impression that all is well and truly good with whatever friendship that was there and forming.

So after maybe about fourth let down or so, he was trying to arrange another meet and there were about four let downs previous to this and one still left open and hanging in the air. I pulled him up on what he was playing at and I wasn't subtle whereas before I was but this time I was short,direct and to the very point. An excuse that gave the impression that butter wouldn't melt in his mouth and that he can do no wrong. I was left with a conflicting opinion of him. I thought maybe he would rectify the disappointment especially when I aired my disappointment to him. There was nothing. No apology or anything. Yet days before he wanted to hook up with me.
Was kept in limbo. There was so much doubt and confusion. Nothing made sense to me and my head and my mind began to wander into spirals. Wandered into territory of what his true intentions could have been. Was his sweetness deliberate? For what? Why? or was it genuine? Or was there something more at play? Considering we met on a kink/fetish/bdsm site - was it perhaps a tactic for control/domination/sadism purposes? Some sort of a humiliation fetish perhaps? But that was something I did not consent to nor was he taking any responsibilty whatsoever falling into a safety net of excuses. My mind was just so wrecked. I went back to him for some sort of clarity. He denied anything with excuses.

All that is over but my god, my head was fcuked and it was so prolonged.

So what am I writing about here?

I googled his name last night. He didn't even give me his real name during our time together. His surname was made up but I found his real name another way. Anyway I googled his name and what I read made my blood run cold. He would be somewhat in the public eye in his locality and there was a newspaper piece from, playing happy families with a partner and kids.

I feel so sick with what I read. He gave the impression that he was free and single for his fun. Dragging me into a love triangle. What if his partner found my number on his phone. He'd have no problems lying to her. I could have found an angry partner on my back making me out to be completely at fault for his partner swaying. God only knows. Either way I'm crushed with this new revelation. Nothing more but sheer fcukery and deceivery. Not only to me but hiding a partner and kids. Probably to her too. My dad used to cheat on my mom and I swore blind growing up that I would never do anything like that or get involved in an affair. He not only fcuked with my head after getting his jollies out of me, he cheated with me with the hand of cards he was holding. Why didn't he just lay his cards out on the table for me and tell me whatever that he has a partner at home who doesn't understand his interests perhaps and he's looking to indulge. He could have let me decide for myself.

I don't know if I should contact him. Tell him what I know. Contact his partner who he claimed to be an ex and let her know what's happening because no doubt he's probably deceiving her. Or not do anything.

I'm sick to my stomach.

Hi OP could you pm please i have a feeling i am in the same situation as yourself. Would be interested to know if we were on the same site etc.

OP I think you have had plenty of advice on this issue in the past and it's at the stage where PI can't help you anymore
all the best