so down dont know how to get back up

LegacyUser

the last two months have been the hardest of my life , my bf broke up with me. we had been together since 16 till the age of 25 , it was a very traumatic break with me finding a girls top behind our bed and when leaving our home i meet him and her with a baby , all thoughts racing arcross my mind , but the worst and what hurts me most was was he just left with her and did even try and stop me to explain.

i moved home but this also a problem i have not lived at home since i was 19 , im happy and great full that i have home to go to but its driving me crazy been at home in the middle of nowhere, my mother is the only person is tht lives at home , shes a very hard person to live with shes very moody going around the house with a face on her lik a grumpy cat and almost always giving out about something or someone , along with her drinking problem which gos on almost all weekend and some nights during the week u cannot be around her when she is drunk she gos on crazy buzzes roaring abuse if u say anything to her she dosnt want to hear, she is a good mother when shes not in a pissy mood or drunk . she has her own problems , which our family have tired to help her but she wont accept it.

i feel very alone i dont have many friends and the ones i do have do not live in ireland anymmore , i have a lot of acquaintances from college and work , i dont have issues with making friends its just keeping them that's the problem and i dono why.

the first few weeks of the break up were hard but i was keeping my mind on making new plans, with moving to oz and had a new job lined up , but i didn't get the job which really it got me down , and im talking myself out of moving to oz cus im worried about money, goin on my own and if it dosnt work out i will be back home again lik a failure.

i have thought about moving to the city but without a job i cannot afford it , i have been trying to find a job but without much experience its hard to find one, i will have car sorted out soon so at least then i will have some freedom.

i have been talking to my ex the other day, i have not spoken to him since that day i left our home about two months ago, it was about bills ect but it turned into talking about what happened he told me he was not with the girl she was over helping him study and she had a fight with her mother so she stayed at ours , and the kid was her friends which i do believe but i do still have doubts about them been together in our bed.and i askd why he had just left and not tired to come after me and explain he told me it he had never seen that mad before and thought i was goin to hit the girl, that he was gona let her into our place and then come after me. i said some awfull things to him and wrecked some stuff of his which i feel ashamed about but something clicked in me when i seen that girls top behind our bed, i told him im really sorry for what i had said and done and i dont want to end on bad terms. we both agreed that there was no bad feeling towards eachother . then we just chatted in general it was lik old times again but that night i couldnt sleep a wink and it was messing with my head so i told him i couldnt talk to him anymore and he said i understand and i will always be here for u no matter where that was the end of it.

i dono if its been in contact with him but everything has gotton to me , i feel so down about everythng and iv just spend the last few days in bed. i know theirs plenty people out there with real problems and mine is nothin compared to theirs. i know not having a job is prob the main reason im feeling lik this cus i was so used of having my days filled and now im doing nothing. i just feel so down and i dono where to even start to pick myself up.

any help appreciated