Failed at life

LegacyUser

I'd really welcome any advice from those wiser than myself...

As per thread title, I've been feeling lost and cast adrift for quite some time now. Lately it's been really affecting my moods and I feel quite low- sleep and moods suffering greatly etc.
Here's the back story...

I'm on the cusp of 30, male. I've been unemployed save for some casual work for just over a year now. Around the time I lost my job, I also went through a break-up that was fairly horrendous, and despite my best efforts, continues to take a toll on me to this day. While I really love home and my friends, I find it hard to define any sense of future for myself here. My friends are moving on and settling down, and my social life is very limited as a result (I've done the Meetup and dating thing with mixed results, volunteered too). I've had to move home to my parents due to my employment status, and being independent minded, have found this extremely difficult. I'm thankful for having a roof over my head, but Jaysus, living with your folks after a long spell of having not done so is tough!

I'm at a point now where I no longer even know what makes me happy. Or what to even do that might make me happy. Hell, I can't really remember the last time I felt even somewhat happy or content with my lot. My employment prospects aren't good (read: non-existent or low pay at best) and the expense for masters/further training etc just seems so far beyond my means and with little prospect of work thereafter. That coupled with me spending large chunks of time by myself makes for a grim outlook; I feel like I've 'failed' at life.

The idea of emigrating isn't an easy one, and although I've little here, there's some things about home I love. It feels like I've lost enough already, 'home' being the only constant I have now, and I'd really be starting from scratch elsewhere.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here now! I felt like I knew when I began writing! Apologies this all very long and vague; any input welcome...

blatantrereg

30 is the new 18. It's definitely too early to concede defeat!

I strongly suggest you look into Springboard courses, and other forms of subsidised training. Springboard courses are college qualifications that are sponsored by the government in fields where employment prospects are decent. I lecture in some of them and the quality is good. The programmes and qualifications themselves are the same as regular pre-existing programmes. For some reason the overall quality of the students is higher in my experience (from lecturing on Springboard and regular versions of the same modules/programmes). You don't need to have existing academic achievements to qualify for the certificates. There are postgraduate diploma programmes if you already have a degree etc. You can continue to draw the dole while you attend them. Some of them feature a work placement as I understand it.

PlainP

I wouldn't say you have failed in life. Certainly you have in the near past experienced some loss with the break up of your relationship and the loss of your job.


You need to look at thing's a little differently. This is just a blip in your life and you need to see it as just that.


You say emigrating is not an option well maybe one year out in a different country might open your mind up to the fact that there's a whole other world out there beyond our little shores.


You are in your comfort zone here at home with your family. Challenge yourself, take the bull by the horns and look into traveling for a while.

IMO you have nothing to lose but everything to gain. You're only 30 don't let this blip in your life consume you.


I hope things work out for you.

Est28

Would it just make sense to get up and do something?

Actively look for work or training.
Actively ask girls out on dates if you like.
Join a soccer team, get a schedule for working out which you stick to.

It just seems like there are so many of these threads of people wallowing in their own pity but nobody is going to help you but yourself.
I've BEEN there, I only exactly how it feels but I also know how to drag yourself out of it but nobody else will do it for you.

jdsk2006

plain hit the nail there.......don't think immigration, think working holiday. Home will always only be a flight away

OnTheCouch

Hello OP, your situation appears to be remarkably similar to my own. I am slightly older, but have also had to move back home, have fairly slim employment prospects in the current climate and am witnessing my social life dwindling due to good friends wanting to spend more time with their partners as opposed to going out like back in the day.

The main difference (at least what I gather from the tone of your message) is that you seem to be an awful lot more down/depressed about the situation than I am.

This is not to say that I am over the moon or anything, I experience great frustration on a regular basis and often wish for more independence but I still manage to remain reasonably level-headed given the circumstances.

So, with this in mind, I would like to offer a few suggestions:

Try to put things into perspective. Your title 'failed at life' is extremely harsh. What does that mean exactly? I assume you haven't killed or abused anyone during your time on this planet so remember that unless you have caused great misery to others in the grand scheme of things you are not a failure. People that are successful in employment often have to endure extremely hard lives coupled with a lot of stress to get where they are. Sure, they are probably quite wealthy, but are they truly calm and at ease with themselves? Will their health suffer as a result of this lifestyle? Remember, health is more important than anything.

People succeed at different times also, some people find inspiration at 16, others at 66. I doubt very much if anyone really, even if they have never had any difficulty getting employment, has had a totally worry-free life. Generally people 'level out' fairly well as I like to describe it as. We all have strengths and weakenesses. Someone who is a hard worker and has a great job, has no clue with the opposite sex for instance. Or someone who is always dressed fantastically and is very popular with people of all ages has a gambling problem and finds it hard to resist temptation. Someone who is a great father to his children is not that good of a friend or is very stingy...etc etc

Remember, time is something you generally have a lot of when unemployed, so see if you can use it wisely, maybe look for cheap or free courses, or pursue some hobby that you have always wanted to do but never had the chance previously.

A lot of our self-worth comes from others, where a common misconception is that we have to work extremely hard (and be seen to do so) in order to be accepted. You can see evidence of this in the prevalent 'busy' excuse, where others try to flaunt the idea of their own self-importance onto people by impressing how busy they are all the time. This is insecurity I feel, but it tends to feed the notion that people who do not follow this trend of working extremely hard are somewhat idle or indolent. I think more and more people are realising that if you can get by on enough to live on, why should you need any more than that? This sounds like a cliché but I think there is some truth in the assertation that going over a certain figure for a salary will not make you exponentially happier.

The same goes for relationships. It is important to remember that although a great relationship clearly enhances your life, being in one for the sake of it is likely to do the opposite. I don't know if you are actively seeking one at the moment, but remember also being single in itself provides a lot of independence.

I also find it helps to put things in writing. Why, I don't know exactly, maybe in a similar way that talking to people helps ease the burden somewhat, but maybe it's just good to get your feelings out there. Like in this post for instance.

Est28 wrote: »

It just seems like there are so many of these threads of people wallowing in their own pity but nobody is going to help you but yourself.
I've BEEN there, I only exactly how it feels but I also know how to drag yourself out of it but nobody else will do it for you.

Unfortunately, this is also true. It is very tempting in moments of difficulty to think 'Why won't anyone help OTC here, offer him a job, show him a way out of his misery? Does no one care how he must be feeling?' However, aside from family and maybe a few very close friends, any initiative has to come from yourself, from within. Most people, while generally being well-meaning and magnanimous on the surface, when it comes down to the important things in life, will usually follow a somewhat selfish path. So it has to be you yourself that takes initiative.

jdsk2006 wrote: »

plain hit the nail there.......don't think immigration, think working holiday. Home will always only be a flight away

This is also an option. I don't know if you have the finances to get away, but having a completely blank slate will at the very least freshen things up for you and break your routine.

Anyway, hope this post offers you some help and encouragement and even if not, makes you realise that you are not the only one in a similar predicament.