Am I being ridiculous?

LegacyUser

Hey guys. I'm a long-term board member but would rather stay anonymous for this one. I need a little input...

I'm 26, in a relationship with my current partner for a year, and all is well. At least, that's how it seems on the outside. We both had reckless enough childhoods, introduced to sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll from a relatively young age. Our lives are social-heavy with an emphasis on, and need to, enjoying ourselves. It was this lifestyle that brought us together in the first place. That and the fact we have our heads screwed on correctly having gone through much bull**** in our past, we've come out the other end all the better for it.

Now, we've lived together for about six months. I moved away from Dublin because my job dictated it. In doing so, I left behind my friends and whatever life I had there. Within the last four months, work has gotten very busy for me, bills have increased, and I've taken a slight pay cut. I'm the only bread-earner as she's drawing from the dole and contributing very little. I understand. I earn more, I pay more, I accept that. But here's the real issue, and it's one I'm not proud of.

I feel bitter. And betrayed. Over the time we've lived together she's spent at least one weekday & night (excluding weekends, mind) out with her mates (mostly guys) in Dublin, a lot of the time spending all of her dole money, leaving me to continue to pay for not only bills and rent, but food and whatever other recreational things we may enjoy. She asks me "if it's ok for her to stay out" which infuriates me! I know it's important to have fun, especially at this age, but when the hell am I ever going to say "no hun, you can't stay out. Come home immediately"?

It seems to me like she's using my good nature to appease her own guilt.

Deep down she knows that there's something a little wrong with going out more often than her significant other who's at home worrying about keeping a roof over their heads, and is upset with the fact that he moved away from his friends years ago and can't socialize through distance and work. If the shoe were on the other foot, I think I would at least show a little guilt or empathy. But of course when she's hung over and drags herself home, I'm there full of hugs and nurturing affirming sweet nothings. The weekends are the weekends, but generally spent doing "couple-y things". It's the only real time we have together.

I just typed "I know it's not her fault" and deleted it, because I don't think I can accept all of the blame for feeling the way I do. I've always been self-defeatist and generally assume responsibility, but I can't always be wrong. Can I? What's properly playing on my mind are the questions. "Can I stay out?" "Is it ok with you?" OR! Or saying getting the last bus home. I mean, she ALWAYS says "I'm getting the last bus home". She NEVER gets the last bus home. I mean, who is she trying to convince!? Feeding me bull**** again, that's how I see it.

I know this might seem trivial and juvenile, especially compared to some of the other issues raised within these boards, but it's very real to me. I feel like I'm being lied to, being made a fool of, and being taken for granted. I mean, can someone be that so self un-aware that they don't see how their actions are impacting the person they love? It's really eating away at the core of me. The real question is: Am I over reacting? Am I making something from nothing? Am I being ridiculous?

Please guys, and sort of insight at all would be helpful. Even telling me I'm being a dope! I know this post is constructed horribly and might be a bit all over the place, but so is my head

Thanks for reading.

_dublinlad_

Has she been doing this for 6 months??! This is highly disrespectful and you have zero to apologise for. You need to stand up for yourself and tell her what you just wrote here.

desbrook

My God OP you are allowing yourself to be taken for some fool after such a short time. If you marry and have kids with this woman you'll only have yourself to blame. You knew exactly what you were getting.
You have allowed this situation to develop so it's up to you to remedy it. Stand by what you wrote , copy your post and show it to her. If she can't gain some maturity and responsibility as you have done you are better off on your own.

DonQuigleone

I think the best way to handle this would be to keep it impersonal, and talk about the finances. Talk about how it's not reasonable for you to be paying all the bills. You should create some kind of contract whereby she contributes a portion of her dole money to the household to pay for expenses, leaving the rest for her to spend as she pleases.

You're both adults, and you can both talk about finances like adults.

EDIT: Also, you're not wrong to feel the way you do. You might want to talk about how stressed you feel at the moment, but I don't know enough about your partner to comment further then that. But again, nothing you're feeling is unreasonable!

If you're feeling lonely away from Dublin and your friends, maybe you should arrange to take a trip over some weekend with your partner. It's pretty quick to get to Dublin from pretty much every part of Ireland. See if you can stay with friends/family.

cmbutterfly45

I know it's not possible for everyone but I'm on social welfare and my bf works, we pay all of our bills down the middle it's the only way that's fair , yes I probably struggle a bit more than him but it keeps us on an equal footing and neither of us resents the other
I'd talk to her and nip it in the bud before this goes on any longer, if she is struggling you could try sitting down together and doing a budget of all bills tbh if you are going to be together you need to be able to work out finances together

MissFlitworth

I wouldn't see any problem at all for her to spend a day & a night out with her friends every week, even a day and a very late night. Being left to pay for everything because she blows close to €200 out with her friends every week though isn't on and isn't fair.

PlainP

I can see both sides of the coin here.

On one hand you're working long hours and are sustaining the relationship financially. You are missing your friends and family and feeling a bit left out of the party as it were in relation to her spending time with her friends.

On the other hand you have your girlfriend who has no work and is at home 24-7. She doesn't see you till you get home. Her only "release"( for want of a better word) is spending a day with her mates.


I had this exact issue with my boyfriend. I always felt left out when he went off with his mates for a day or 2 at a time but I have come to realise that this time is important for him.


I have come to realise that he doesn't love me any less and that the time apart for us is healthy. I trust him implicitly and know he would never betray me.

The money issue needs to be addressed. You need to sit her down and explain that even though she is getting less than you she still needs to input more financially as you feel if things keep going the way they are you're going to end up resenting her.

She should be allows to spend time away from you and if you trust her you should be happy that she is happy.

Try and get chatting about the money situation, I think once you have this sorted everything else should settle down.

LegacyUser

I think you need to seperate the issues here,
One is money and budgeting. Did she move and leave everything for your job too?
Is she job seeking at all?
Either way you need to sit down together and work out a budget, splitting things down the middle might not work but you need to get a certain amount from her each week, either in a jar in the kitchen or in an account for bills whatever it takes.
Be honest with her say here's what it costs to run the house each week/month and we need to work together on it
If she is lonely and missing her friends then you need to take that into account. It can be very isolating, but thats no excuse for her to blow all her money while you pick up the tab..

Second issue, her character or nature.
She asks "is it ok...?" You say yes. Then you're annoyed that she hasn't read your mind or it hasn't occured to her that she's behaving selfishly in your book.
Again, you obviously need to explain to her how you're feeling. She either doesn't know or doesn't want to know. If she doesn't want to know then you can't make her and you might want to reconsider things.
Also why mention that her friends are mostly guys?

LegacyUser

I think you need to seperate the issues here,
One is money and budgeting. Did she move and leave everything for your job too?
Is she job seeking at all?
Either way you need to sit down together and work out a budget, splitting things down the middle might not work but you need to get a certain amount from her each week, either in a jar in the kitchen or in an account for bills whatever it takes.
Be honest with her say here's what it costs to run the house each week/month and we need to work together on it
If she is lonely and missing her friends then you need to take that into account. It can be very isolating, but thats no excuse for her to blow all her money while you pick up the tab..

Second issue, her character or nature.
She asks "is it ok...?" You say yes. Then you're annoyed that she hasn't read your mind or it hasn't occured to her that she's behaving selfishly in your book.
Again, you obviously need to explain to her how you're feeling. She either doesn't know or doesn't want to know. If she doesn't want to know then you can't make her and you might want to reconsider things.
Also why mention that her friends are mostly guys?