Thinking of parent's death

LegacyUser

I have recently become increasingly fearful of my parents death.
They are both about 80 and in good health thank God but it's inevitable they will pass on eventually.
It's not entirely from a selfish point of view I am saying this but I must qualify it by saying that I have suffered fairly badly from depression for most of my adult life and my mother has been a great support to me through it.
God knows how many times I've had to call her on the phone when I've been going through "the horrors" (as I call it).
She is the only one that I can confide in about it.I talk at an Aware meeting and to my HSE doctor but it's not the same.
I support her too in my own way (taking her places,doing odd jobs at home etc.).
My relationship with my father is different.I don't talk about my mental condition with him but we share a common love of GAA.It's something that has bonded us through the years.
I take him to local games as he's not able to go to places like Croke Park anymore.We watch the ones on TV together in the front room and it's something I really cherish.
It's a typical Irish father/son relationship;we don't talk much but there is an unspoken love there.
It's just that last Sunday we were watching a game together in the sitting room and I realised "F***ing hell one day I won't be able to do this anymore". That day could come anytime. There is no doubt that I won't ever watch another GAA game when that happens. One of my uncles died recently and when they pulled the curtains in the funeral home and it was just the relatives there I saw how upset one of his sons became when the undertaker put the lid on the casket. My eyes well up when I think about it so God only knows what I'll be like when it actually happens. It doesn't seem fair; I can't accept it.
I've spoken to my doctor at the HSE about it and he said it was something out of my control and I know he's right but that's the problem;I want to control it but I can't.
I'm 38 and I don't have a girlfriend because of my depression (the "happy pills" I take every day help a little). My parents provide me with an emotional crutch that I have become used to.
I have a good job and live away from home during the week.I have a few friends I hang out with occasionally.
I suppose part of suffering from depression is it makes you compelled to think of negative things all the time (boy am I good at that). I try not to think of my parents death, it only brings my mood down when I do but then if I don't think about it I feel I am "neglecting" them in some way and being selfish and uncaring.
Like if I'm out at night in a pub with friends I think of them at home and I feel so guilty ("You are out here enjoying yourself while they are at home")
Subconsciously I suppose I want to think about it to prepare myself for it in some way. A twisted thought process I know, this must be the craziest stuff anyone has ever said on a forum. I know I would do anything to make them live a little longer. Even if it cost me in some personal way I wouldn't mind. People have to make their own way in life and leave their parents behind but I seem unable to. They don't expect me to put my life on hold while they are alive.
Both of them can drive and aren't short of money and they have friends besides me and their relatives.
I know it's stupid as we all have to accept our parents will die one day but it just doesn't seem fair. It's also weak I know but maybe I'm just too sensitive to other people's feelings. I should just "man up" and accept it. I mean what about children and teenagers that have lost their parents before they even got a chance to know them properly?
My heart goes out to them, they would give anything to be in my position.
I have an older sister who is married with two kids and she has her own life. She would be upset if either of them passed on of course but she has her husband and friends to support her. I don't open up to people much so it would be a problem for me when it happens.
I was thinking of giving up my job to come home and look after them for the remaining years of their life. When they are no longer able to look after themselves I don't want them put in a home that's for sure. I wouldn't have much money but I have never been a person with a lot of interest in money anyway.
There is land at home so maybe I could do something with that. I am pretty sure I will be in no fit state to ever work in a demanding job again when either of them dies.
It would be a shame to give up a career I sacrificed so much for and worked so hard for but this is something I have been thinking of a lot lately and it won't leave me

thefeatheredcat

OP have you, your parents and yourself, sat down and talked about your uncle's death? No doubt his death has impacted them, even if he was younger than either one of your parents, it will have them thinking about death in general, as it is inevitable. They probably would worry about its impact on you too and how well prepared you would be, or able to cope and move on from the bereavement.

It probably is on your parents' minds too, that what they appreciate and enjoy with you isn't going to last forever. They know well enough too, that one day you and your father won't be sitting watching the GAA match or going to a local game. All you can do is enjoy the time you have with him now and make the most of it, while letting the every day life experiences continue.

I dealt with death a lot as a child. I've been to more funerals as a child than weddings as an adult as most of older relatives (uncles and aunts of my father) died when I was a child. My grandfather on my mother's side died when I was only 8 so I hardly knew him (though I've gotten to know my grandmother on the same side that bit more over the years) and my grandparents on my father's side died before I was born - my grandfather when my own father was only 18 and my grandmother some years after that - But I know that from the impact on my father of losing his father quite young, from conversations he and I have had he has used it to talk about how he feels about death in general, especially when it has come to deaths of siblings of my mother or friends of his (both younger and older and the same age as him) over the last few years (all illness related too) and how more willing he is to talk about his own feelings about death. Losing a parent at a young age for him has impacted him in being a parent and a grandparent. My own grandmother (on my mother's side) has been affected by the deaths of her sons, both due to terminal illnesses and even in her age in 80s/90s she has become more talkative about various things about her life that she never disclosed to her children and about her wishes when she is no longer capable of looking after herself. I suppose in both cases, it has weighed on their minds and made them talk more about death in general. That is probably something you need, to talk about your uncle's death and death in general with your parents.

I think about the deaths of my parents in passing too, realising that some day they aren't going to be there and these various things or activities just aren't going to be the same. I have no idea how I would cope when that does happen, but it is a comfort that there will be support through siblings and other family and friends of my parents. I think everyone has that thought and I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but acknowledging it and talking about it is a lot better than denying that it will happen or that you might not have people around you. You have comfort in your sister and her family, she might need you as much as you need her, despite her also having a spouse and children to comfort or give comfort to. Either way, you won't be alone in your bereavement, as there will be others like the friends and family of your parents who will be there for you too.

I think it's important that you discuss this with your parents..... before you give up the career that you have to look after them when they are older, have a chat with them first as they might have already organised something for themselves and planned for that already. They probably would appreciate the gesture of giving up your job to look after them, but would protest against it in making arrangements for their own care instead. Something like a job is also a way to get through a bereavement, to get you past it and help you through it and probably healthier for you to have that focus rather than never moving past the death of your parent.

ShaShaBear

I think that the only real solace you can have is that everyone, in fact, does have to go through this sorrowful stage in life when they lose their mammy and daddy. Just try to reflect on all of the good memories you have built with them over the last 38 years. I lost my father two years ago (I'm 25 now) and while I suppose I didn't get much of a chance to reflect on it, as he died instantly, I do cherish time spent with my mother all the more now. She's only 50, and I hope to have 30 more good years with her, but I will have to let her go eventually.

I think maybe your sister would be a better person to talk to. I know you say she will have her husband and kids when the day comes, but I was surrounded by supportive people I loved, and it still wasn't enough. It might not hurt to have another close family member aware of your fight with depression, and just to get a load off on this issue, so that you can help each other

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

OP have you, your parents and yourself, sat down and talked about your uncle's death? No doubt his death has impacted them, even if he was younger than either one of your parents, it will have them thinking about death in general, as it is inevitable. They probably would worry about its impact on you too and how well prepared you would be, or able to cope and move on from the bereavement.

I haven't talked with my parents about my uncle's death. It was my mother's brother so it affected her more than my Dad. I know she has been thinking about it as she turned 80 shortly after it. She is a bit of a negative person anyway and is a bit miserable about getting older. I suppose I can't blame her as it's hard to be positive about it.
Just this evening when I came home I saw my Dad walking in and out the driveway. That's a sure sign he is down in the dumps. He suffers from depression as well and is on medication for it. He has stopped taking the meds so that is worrying me also.
It hurts me deeply to see them get older and less active and there's nothing I can do about it.
I feel it more during the week when I am away from them and I think they are having a bad time right at that moment.
ShaShaBear, I feel really sorry for you to have lost your father at such a young age. It makes me feel like an ass for complaining about my situation when my father is still hale and realtivley healthy.

ShaShaBear

gerard_99 wrote: »

ShaShaBear, I feel really sorry for you to have lost your father at such a young age. It makes me feel like an ass for complaining about my situation when my father is still hale and realtivley healthy.

Not at all, like I said dear, everyone has to lose their parents - it's a horrible fact and no one wants to do it. Granted I lost mine a little earlier than I would have liked, but he had an aneurysm when I was very young (almost 6) and managed to pull through, and I got an extra 20 wonderful years of memories and a sister since then. It's still very hard, but I try to look at the good things

LegacyUser

Umm. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to write now will be of help to you because I've not had issues with depression. If I was to describe myself, I'd say I'm occasionally quite fragile and have gone for counselling on and off.

When I was in my very early 20's my mam started displaying symptoms of dementia. She was only in her late forties at the time. I was devastated and heartbroken. My mam had always been my rock growing up and that was all gone. The mother/daughter relationship flipped right around and I was the one looking after her. As of now she's still alive but there's no reaction from her when I visit. I still miss her terribly but I've gotten on with my life without her.

Why I'm writing this is to talk about my experiences around this. When I was growing up I used to dread the day my mam died. I never thought I'd lose her to dementia but that's what happened. I used to work myself up into a right tizzy worrying about what was going to happen. Things never happened in the way my worst fears had imagined. I got ambushed by other issues regarding my mum but I coped. Maybe you are underestimating yourself. I know I did that. I'd not wish what I've been through on anyone but you know what? I'm still alright.

What's sad about your outlook on life is that you're writing off everything that's to come after your parents die. You're not even giving yourself a chance. I used to think I'd end up giving up my job and moving home but that hasn't happened. When issues arose (and believe me, there have been some nasty surprises) nothing was too unsurmountable.

The one mistake I did make was to live too much of my life through my parents (my dad has had health issues too). Now I'm at a stage where I'm regretting the neglect of that part of my life. My other brothers and sisters moved on with their lives and have partners/kids. I've nothing. That is something I'm taking steps to amend.

Going back to your story, my one piece of advice to you is to take things as they come. You really don't know what twists and turns are along the path. Don't give up your job for the sake of it. Only do that if you really feel you have no other options. Don't be afraid to seek help from the HSE if you need it. Don't refuse help that's offered. Really, you should just take things as they come.

MissFlitworth

gerard_99 wrote: »

I was thinking of giving up my job to come home and look after them for the remaining years of their life.

Do your parents want you to do that? From what you say they seem independent & able to look after themselves at the minute (you mention they're both still driving and ok for money) My own (tiny) experience with elderly relatives is that they really valued their independence, especially as they got into their 80s, because they knew they probably wouldn't have it for many years longer. If your parents need to be looked after that's one thing but if you're thinking of looking after them because it makes it easier for you to deal with the (very understandable) anxiety you're feeling about the thoughts of losing them you run the risk of taking over the little things they do for themselves that are helping keep them active and independent

LegacyUser

daftpunkrocker wrote: »

Umm. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to write now will be of help to you because I've not had issues with depression. If I was to describe myself, I'd say I'm occasionally quite fragile and have gone for counselling on and off.

When I was in my very early 20's my mam started displaying symptoms of dementia. She was only in her late forties at the time. I was devastated and heartbroken. My mam had always been my rock growing up and that was all gone. The mother/daughter relationship flipped right around and I was the one looking after her. As of now she's still alive but there's no reaction from her when I visit. I still miss her terribly but I've gotten on with my life without her.

Why I'm writing this is to talk about my experiences around this. When I was growing up I used to dread the day my mam died. I never thought I'd lose her to dementia but that's what happened. I used to work myself up into a right tizzy worrying about what was going to happen. Things never happened in the way my worst fears had imagined. I got ambushed by other issues regarding my mum but I coped. Maybe you are underestimating yourself. I know I did that. I'd not wish what I've been through on anyone but you know what? I'm still alright.

Really sorry to hear what happened to your Mom and I'm glad to hear you coped. I suppose it would be a drastic step to give up my job and come home to look after my parents however I am having real problems coming to terms with their decline into old age. I can't imagine life without them, I don't think I'll be able to cope. You say I may be underestimating myself and I might cope better than I think I will but I don't know, I fear the worst. I'm going to miss my Dad terribly, I love him so much. He took me to my first GAA match as a child and now he's hardly able to go himself anymore. I know it's the way life is and life is cruel like that sometimes but we have to accept it. I can't accept that one or possibly both of them they will not be there some Friday evening when I come home. I should have branched out and made my own way in life, met a girl and had a life of my own but I didn't, I don't know why. Maybe I feel I would be ignoring them in some way if I did.
I think about this subject a lot, it's affecting my sleep, my concentration at work, my general enjoyment of life.

daftpunkrocker wrote: »

What's sad about your outlook on life is that you're writing off everything that's to come after your parents die. You're not even giving yourself a chance. I used to think I'd end up giving up my job and moving home but that hasn't happened. When issues arose (and believe me, there have been some nasty surprises) nothing was too unsurmountable.

You are right;it is crazy to say "Once my parents die, that's it for me, I don't care after that". It's how I feel though.

daftpunkrocker wrote: »

The one mistake I did make was to live too much of my life through my parents (my dad has had health issues too). Now I'm at a stage where I'm regretting the neglect of that part of my life. My other brothers and sisters moved on with their lives and have partners/kids. I've nothing. That is something I'm taking steps to amend.

It was very selfless of you to do what you did. I feel have lived too much of my life through my parents as well.

daftpunkrocker wrote: »

Going back to your story, my one piece of advice to you is to take things as they come. You really don't know what twists and turns are along the path. Don't give up your job for the sake of it. Only do that if you really feel you have no other options. Don't be afraid to seek help from the HSE if you need it. Don't refuse help that's offered. Really, you should just take things as they come.

I am thinking of seeking professional help to stop me thinking about this issue. I keep in regular contact with the HSE, I might see if they can recommend someone.

LegacyUser

Hi. It's me again.
I don't think there's much more I can say about your situation only to beg you to go get the help you need. Now is the time to go and talk to a professional and deal with your issues. Maybe being proactive now might benefit you in the long run.

Please don't do anything too hasty like quit your job and move home. You're looking at things very much in the "now" and have written off the rest of your life. I don't know you and I am genuinely very worried about you ending up alone on a farm with no focus in your life and an empty house full of memories. Please please go get help x

thefeatheredcat

Perhaps through talking with a professional they can encourage you to really talk with your parents about how you feel.... about them, about death, your uncle's death. You mention in there about how your mother isn't happy with growing older.... perhaps it's not just that but the worry about you too, the worry about how you would cope if anything happened.

You could all benefit from using the here and now to really express feelings and emotions and talk about the subject, and surrounding issues about you being able to cope afterwards or giving up your work to care for them or plan and arrangements they have made when they're no longer able to live independently.

I think with like anything, you all have to face it; rather than not talking about issues that perhaps are weighing on everyone's mind, each dealing with alone, you are better to deal with it together. Once you face down those worries and fears, those things can seem that little less scary and you all might find yourselves more able to cope or deal with it.

As daftpunkrocker explained, you could very well be at risk of living an isolated life with nothing but memories, and nothing in life to focus on. Your parents care and love you, I doubt that they would want that for you and I'm sure they would be saddened if they knew that was to be your fate.

LegacyUser

Yes it is probably true that my parents would not be happy if they knew my state if mind about this subject.Talking about it with them might help as leaving it hanging in the air is no good to anyone.
Dwelling on it is making me miserable,reluctant to socialise and depressed.There was a counsellor I spoke to when I was depressed before.I would consider going back to her again.

Stavro Mueller

If I was your mum I'd be devastated if I read your posts. I've no doubt she's worried about you as it is.

I think you need to back to your counsellor again. There are two issues at play here. One is that there is a lot that has been left unsaid. Bottling issues up isn't helping you at all. I feel you badly need to talk to someone before you get even more down.

Secondly, taking to someone who's not emotionally involved in this situation will give you a different perspective on matters. I'm not sure your parents are the people to talk to about this just now.

LegacyUser

Thanks to those who have replied. I have made an appoinment with my counsellor from before and I hope she will help me deal with this issue.