Advice Please?

Confused Seeking Guidance

Hi,

Long term Boardsie here in disguise for obvious reasons

I have a bit of a challenge in my marriage related to my wife having a drunken snog with a colleague at the end of a boozy team night out. We're married a long time and I guess things have become stale between us. We do love each other and she does love me. She's all regretful and beating herself up over it. I'm doing the bloke thing of trying to box it off logically and forgive her but it's not easy. I think what happened was a result of us taking each other for granted and not paying enough attention either emotionally or sexually to each other but she prefers to just pigeon hole what happened as the result of drink and being stupid.

I'd really like to get some input from others who may have had a similar experience either as the offending or offended party and see how they dealt with it but for the life of me I can't find a "relationship issues" forum here on Boards. I'm sure I'll get some good input from the members of the Gentlemens Club but I'd also like to get some input from women but the Ladies Lounge have a rule about not asking women for their opinion on stuff like this which I need to respect.

Mod - if there is a more appropriate forum for this please do move.

Cheers,

CSG

D'Agger

Moved this to Relationship Issues

MIRMIR82

Hi CSG,

Its a very difficult postion to be in. I myself am in a long term relationship, so i know how things get 'stale'.
I also know you being a man will be reluctant to sit down and talk about it to your wife.
My honest advise: Sit down, give yourselves hours if you have to and speak about what happened.
Talk about how the marriage is going, we all start to take those closest to us for granted at some stage. You both need to admit that's what was happening and FIX it, go out of your way to make sure the OH knows you want and need them.
Lastly what your wife done was wrong, but it was only a snog and she felt unwanted and just loved the attention, i would forgive her if she's truly sorry, forget about it and move on.

You may find it will make your relationship stronger.

Anyway best of luck for your future together xx

Confused Seeking Guidance

MIRMIR82 wrote: »

I also know you being a man will be reluctant to sit down and talk about it to your wife.
My honest advise: Sit down, give yourselves hours if you have to and speak about what happened.
Talk about how the marriage is going, we all start to take those closest to us for granted at some stage. You both need to admit that's what was happening and FIX it

That's the bizarre thing MIRMIR82, I'm the one who wants to calmly talk through what may be the root cause of what happened but she just insists it was a stupid drunken act and no more and repeatedly refuses to talk about what might have motivated her to seek attention/comfort from her colleague. I resisted the temptation to lose the head and do all the shouting and roaring etc which I guess any bloke would do and have ended up trying to examine our relationship and it's shortcomings in my own head which is not a good thing!!

I guess she's ashamed and just wants to put it behind her/us but I don't think I can just sweep it under the carpet like that. If something motivated her to snog her colleague and it's not addressed what's to say it won't happen in the future? It also makes me doubt whether I'm actually getting the full story. The only reason I found out is that her colleague (stupidly) sent her a text saying he "enjoyed that" which I heard coming in as my wife had recently collapsed drunk onto the bed and was fast asleep. When I confronted her in the morning she was mortified and embarrassed etc and said it was nothing more than a one minute snog which had never happened before with him or anyone else but in the back of my mind I'm thinking "what's the chance you get caught the very first time you do something like this and would a bloke really send a thank you text if all that happened was a snog?"

My head is wrecked trying to reconcile this and what's becoming more and more frustrating is the fact my wife is sticking to the line it was just a stupid drunk once off act which meant nothing, had no motivation behind it and won't happen again.

What do you think? Should I just let it go? If I keep hounding her to discuss it I risk creating a different problem all together!!

CSG

MIRMIR82

Sorry, i didn't realise she was refusing to talk about it.
That's a different story, she is in the wrong here. If you want to talk about what happened she should be on her knees ready to do anything.
I find it worrying that she's so blasé about it to be honest. It would make me think it wasn't the first time to be honest. (sorry)
I would tell her straight out that you need to talk about what happened and if she's not willing to, well than I would strongly think there is more than this wrong with the relationship.

I know this is not what you want to read right now, but from an outsider looking in it just sounds very sus!!!

Confused Seeking Guidance

Thanks for being candid MIRMIR82. I wouldn't say she's being blase about it. We have discussed it and she has detailed exactly what happened. She knows it looks 'sus' that she got caught the one and only time something like this happened but she swears it's the truth. There been lot's of tears and apologies and "I'm an idiot", "I don't want to hurt you" type stuff. We tried talking about the "why" of it all and that's where she seems to be least willing to explore. When I pressed her about what she thought the reasons were she eventually said that maybe she'd been feeling bad about herself (we had had a row over typical domestic bull**** a few days earlier), that maybe we weren't as intimate as we used to be and that quite frankly in her drunken state she simply enjoyed the attention/excitement of it. She doesn't think there is a deep seated problem and the aforementioned 'reasons' are just speculation on her part in response to my probing to find the root cause.

I'm willing to accept that a number of circumstances may have provided some motivation for her and when the right opportunity came along things fell into place and it just happened. We're all human and maybe she just enjoyed feeling young and excited again but she insists she immediately regretted it and stopped before the snog led to some form of sex.

Obviously I'd prefer if instead of bottling up any shortcomings she feels we have in our relationship or any unfulfilled need for intimacy she would talk to me about those feelings rather than snog a work colleague hence my desire to try and honestly figure out what I can do to improve our relationship such that the circumstances which led to the snog won't re-occur in the future.

I'd like to improve the level of intimacy between us but I'm afraid I probably need a bit of a steer on that front. Like some long term relationships our sex life has become somewhat pedestrian and predictable and maybe that's something I could help improve. I'd like to recommend we watch some sort of "Guide to improving your sex life" video (which is a genuine guide not a porn movie) as that might facilitate us to talk freely about our own sex life but I don't know where to start!!

Thanks for listening.

CSG

MIRMIR82

HI CSG,

It sounds like you have a good hold on the situation, i'm happy there were tears and profound apologies, at least she is sorry.
You sound like you just needed to vent and try sort it out in your own head before you go at the situation again, i think from your last post you are ready and you know what to say.
I say go for it with the DVD, we tried it before and got a good 6 months that were a bit more wild in the bedroom department!!:D

Best of luck!!:)

Confused Seeking Guidance

Thanks again MIRMIR82,

I might sound like I have a good hold on the situation but I feel more vulnerable than it might appear.

The video you used sounds like it is the kind of thing we could benefit from.

I don't suppose you remember the name of it or can recommend something similar? I honestly don't know where to start looking. Anything I put into Google returns the predictable results!!!

CSG

Neyite

It is possible to move on from cheating - but only if the guilty party is truly sorry, and is transparently honest with their spouse, answering all the questions -no matter how embarrassed they are or how much they want to forget they ever did it. She didnt admit it because she was remorseful, she admitted it because you caught her. And that speaks volumes to me.

You have only her word that it was just a snog, and that she stopped. Usually cheaters tend to only admit to what they have been caught bang to rights at, so you usually hear "it was the very first time" and "it was only a snog, and we stopped" If that does not work they get defensive and stonewall, refusing to discuss it. Has she offered you full access to all her messages/emails/ etc to prove her story? I'm unconvinced, and to be honest, she should be doing whatever it takes to help you fix what she broke.

You say you want to improve the intimacy between you- emotional intimacy first and foremost is what is required. I would suggest relationship counselling.

mfceiling

To be honest it sounds like she was drunk, she made a bit of a mistake and now she is embarrassed as well as ashamed of how she behaved.

Maybe go out for a bite to eat (she can't get up and walk out if you bring it up) and have a bit of a chat about it. Maybe she thinks there's nothing to talk about - she made a drunken mistake, she regrets it, she wants to move on.

The old marriage thing is hard work - i take herself for granted way too much but i get pulled up on it every so often (usually when there's a match on!!) but i've found that we sit down and chat more now than we used to - even if it's only to slag something on the tele or give out about work mates (her).

Hopefully it was completely out of character for her and things get a lot better for you from here on in - might have been the kick in the arse you both needed!!
Best of luck.

Confused Seeking Guidance

I hope I'm not being naive but I do believe her when she says it was a drunken once off which she instantly regretted and it didn't go beyond a quick snog. I know (and am usually a big believer) in the whole "if it walks like duck, talks like a duck and looks like a duck" thing so I know the circumstantial evidence would point to the fact it wasn't a once off and it wasn't just a snog but I either have to genuinely accept what she says and both forgive and trust her or I don't believe her in which case the only conclusion can be she is perpetrating an ongoing deception and making a total fool of me. If it's the latter I'm an idiot but I don't think it is. Time will tell I guess but I'm prepared to take the leap of faith and hope it doesn't backfire on me down the road.

CSG

Tigger99

OP if it was just an insignificant drunken smog why is she refusing to talk about it? That speaks volumes to me and comes across as very selfish to me.

OP I think counseling would be a great idea. Unfortunately I do think that you have your head buried in the sand.

Confused Seeking Guidance

Tigger99 wrote: »

OP if it was just an insignificant drunken smog why is she refusing to talk about it? That speaks volumes to me and comes across as very selfish to me.

Thanks for your candour Tigger. I guess I need to clarify a little. My wife and I have discussed what happened in minute detail i.e. how it started, what exactly happened etc. etc. She hasn't refused to speak about it at all. It's embarrassing for her and hurtful for me but she has been prepared to go over and over it if I want to as she knows she would want to if the roles were reversed.

What I'm struggling with a little is the likelihood that it was just a drunken once off motivated by some circumstances which we should have addressed and hopefully will address in our own relationship. She says it was indeed a stupid once off. In the back of my mind are doubts like "what are the chances you get caught the first time you do something like this"? "How can I be sure it stopped at a snog?" (I know if I was the bloke I'd keep gong!!) etc etc.

Head wrecking stuff

CSG

MIRMIR82

Confused Seeking Guidance wrote: »

Thanks again MIRMIR82,

I might sound like I have a good hold on the situation but I feel more vulnerable than it might appear.

The video you used sounds like it is the kind of thing we could benefit from.

I don't suppose you remember the name of it or can recommend something similar? I honestly don't know where to start looking. Anything I put into Google returns the predictable results!!!

CSG

CSG I don't remember to be honest(sorry), we rented it in xtra-vision so its not too 'heavy'

Eph1958

OP, IMHO, trust is the cornerstone of a relationship and it has been seriously breached here. None of us know what are partners do 24/7/365!! Perhaps it was just a moment of drunken madness or the exposing of some more serious behaviour, either one is a sign of a relationship needing attention. Trust has to be earned and can be regained over time. Give yourself some time and discuss again with your wife (when some of the intense emotion has passed) and see what comes of that. Explore together the deeper issues within your relationship and maybe get some help with them, if necessary. Good luck.

Eph

kat.mac

Hi OP,

A tough situation to be in. I can't really add any more to what's already been posted but I'll just pose the question that popped into my head as I was reading the thread: what if your wife genuinely doesn't think there is a more deep-rooted reason behind the snog? If she really, genuinely believes that it was exactly what she says it is - a stupid, once-off, drunk mistake - then perhaps she genuinely feels there's nothing more to explore. If that's the case, then what you're seeing is a refusal to talk about the deeper issues, but she just doesn't see any other issues to talk about outside the details of the incident.

Obviously, you know your wife and your marriage best, but that's the question that popped into my head.

The other side of that is, the incident has clearly got you thinking that ye need to focus on the relationship more. I'm not for one minute suggesting that you sweep your feelings on this under the carpet, but perhaps that could be brought up as a separate issue? Or maybe it could be addressed in a different way - say by taking a holiday together (without the kids, if ye have them), to re-focus on ye as a couple, and making sure that focus is kept up (as much as possible) when ye get back to daily family life. The way I see it, trying to re-focus on a long term relationship would be more of a long-term effort anyway, as opposed to something that could be sorted out in one big conversation. Best of luck, OP.

wallycharlo

It's a tough one OP, and I can certainly empathise with your situation, I've been in a very similar situation in the past myself. I tried my best to move on and get over it as best I could, but any time my partner went out without me, and was drinking, it just came back and tormented me, I could not get it out of my head that the same thing could be happening again.

I guess that it comes down to mental strength at the end of the day, but in my own case it ended up eating me.

The core point for me I guess was that I knew that my partner could not honestly say that it would not happen again if alcohol was invovled, drink effects different people in different ways (I'm no angel myself after a load of drink, I don't mean being unfaithful, but in other ways ...) and once it kicks in with some people then they just change into something else.

Good Luck!

Confused Seeking Guidance

wallycharlo wrote: »

I guess that it comes down to mental strength at the end of the day, but in my own case it ended up eating me.

I'm afraid of falling into that category WC and I don't want to!! I'm the sort of guy who needs to box things off and put a lid on them but I'm struggling to do that here as I have so many nagging doubts about whether I'm being told the truth etc.

I want to accept my wife is telling me the whole truth and is remorseful etc but the voice in my head is saying "THIS DOESN'T ADD UP" and I'm struggling to make it go away. Maybe time will be the great healer it's supposed to be.

If you don't mind me asking how did you box the situation off in the end?

CSG

wallycharlo

Confused Seeking Guidance wrote: »

...If you don't mind me asking how did you box the situation off in the end?...

No happy ending in my case I am afraid. After a while my girlfriend moved to another county for a period (work related), and during these times I found it very hard to handle, as she was going out a lot, and it just drove me up the wall. I'm no such issues now when my current partner ever goes out etc, or previous ones, I'm not a naturally jealous person I think. We eventually had a flare up one evening over something innocous (I think she was meant to ring me one evening and didn't), we had a big row, and I told her I had had it with her and hung up. I calmed down shortly after and called her back full of remorse, but she would have none of it, she said she was in shock at what I was said, but would have to accept it and move on, etc, no going back. It was obvious that she was looking for an out herself of course, and that I had just then given her the perfect oppourtunity really.

I think the fact that we ended up being apart was what broke us in the end, such a long distance thing will never work without 100% trust. If we had stayed in the same place, then who knows, we may have gotten through it. All in all now though I think what happened was for the best.

CSG, had you ever had any concerns about your wife's behaviour when she was out drinking without you before? In my case I definetly had. If it seems out of character for her, then I think it's definitely worth pushing on and doing your best to put it behind you.

Karen8

OP, if your wife doesn't see any reasons for her behavior in your relationship and only blames alcohol, would she be prepared to stop drinking or don't drink when she's out alone?

Confused Seeking Guidance

Karen8 wrote: »

OP, if your wife doesn't see any reasons for her behavior in your relationship and only blames alcohol, would she be prepared to stop drinking or don't drink when she's out alone?

Yes, she has given up entirely as a result of this event. It's only a few weeks ago so I guess time will tell how committed she really is. My fear is that she will see giving up as some form of penance she has to endure and after a suitable period of time to let things blow over there will be some excuse (a wedding, birthday etc) where she will either want to drink again or her friends will cajole her into drinking again and we'll be back to square one. I'm suer there would be promises about keeping things under control etc and not letting things get out of hand like they did a few weeks ago etc but essentially once you're drinking your ability to retain control of your decision making is considerably lessoned.

I wonder if investing in a polygraph (http://www.liedetector.ie) would be a good idea? I always thought they were a bit hocus pocus but if she was asked direct questions in a polygraph about exactly what happened that night, did anything ever happen in the past with the same guy or other guys etc and she passed it would give me a huge degree of comfort that she is telling me the truth. Of course the opposite is also the case!!!

CSG

kat.mac

Confused Seeking Guidance wrote: »

I wonder if investing in a polygraph (http://www.liedetector.ie) would be a good idea? I always thought they were a bit hocus pocus but if she was asked direct questions in a polygraph about exactly what happened that night, did anything ever happen in the past with the same guy or other guys etc and she passed it would give me a huge degree of comfort that she is telling me the truth. Of course the opposite is also the case!!!

CSG

Wow, OP. Does your wife know that you literally do not believe a word she is saying to you?

wallycharlo

Confused Seeking Guidance wrote: »

...I wonder if investing in a polygraph (http://www.liedetector.ie) would be a good idea?...

Not trying to belittle the situation CSG, but I just had an image of your wife wired up to a machine in a ball of sweat with you giving her an icy stare while a lad in a white jacket fires the questions off in quick fire :eek::D

Seriously, no, this is not a good idea.

As you say, if she passed then it could anyway just leave you thinking that she could be a fabulous lier altogether.

I think the only real advice I can give you is give it a little time, and see how you come to terms.

Confused Seeking Guidance

kat.mac wrote: »

Wow, OP. Does your wife know that you literally do not believe a word she is saying to you?

I'm afraid she does!! She understands trust has been broken and it needs to be built up again. I'm prepared to forgive her and trust her again but only if I can genuinely feel I have a full handle on the past and at the moment there are some prior circumstances and events which had previously been innocuous but now, in the light of what happened recently, look like they have a different meaning. Maybe I'm being paranoid or whatever but I need to feel we're starting with a clean slate.

CSG

kat.mac

Confused Seeking Guidance wrote: »

I'm afraid she does!! She understands trust has been broken and it needs to be built up again. I'm prepared to forgive her and trust her again but only if I can genuinely feel I have a full handle on the past and at the moment there are some prior circumstances and events which had previously been innocuous but now, in the light of what happened recently, look like they have a different meaning. Maybe I'm being paranoid or whatever but I need to feel we're starting with a clean slate.

CSG

I really don't think a lie-detector test is going to solve those problems.

fungun

You cant go to a lie detector - that says i dont trust what you are saying to me, and no relationship will get over that.

I wonder can you position your issue as unrelated to her drunken snog. Say you understand the snog was meaningless and drink related. But that you realise now that things had been let go that shouldnt have been let go, and you want to fix them for the future of your relationship.

If one partner candidly approaches the other and says they think the relationship needs work, then the other should respond to that. If not, then that may actually be the problem that she doesnt want to face. She knows things are stale, and for whatever reason doesnt want to face up to that. If she is not willing to address those issues than that is actually a more serious problem than a drunken snog imo.

LegacyUser

I can offer some opinions from the other side of the fence, because like your wife, I have had a drunken snog while extremely drunk. I am not proud of myself and in fact, I get so ashamed every time I think about it. It was only for a few seconds and it certainly went no further than kissing, but it doesn’t change the fact that cheating is cheating. There are a few other times when I have been all over men, not kissing or anything, but certainly being overly flirty

My husband doesn’t know what happened, but he has seen me being overly flirty and I know it kills him when I do it. I wouldn’t dream of acting like this sober, but it just seems that when I get really drunk, I just lose all sense of decency and loyalty. I have examined my conscience and tried to figure out why I act like this and I have come to the conclusion that like in your marriage, things have gone a little stale between us and I suppose I like the thrill and the attention from other men. I have always had low confidence, and it gives me a buzz and a confidence boost at the time, but then of course I feel so much worse when I sober up and get a good dose of the fear the next day.

After it happened, I came to the conclusion that I had no choice but to give up alcohol. I didn’t like what I was becoming when I drank and I had a problem with moderation, so abstinence was the only option for me. So far that is going ok and I am committed to keeping going. I am also going to follow your lead and make more of an effort with my marriage too. While my drinking was obviously a major factor and I am not trying to excuse my actions one bit, I do feel that we had begun to take each other for granted and not give each other the attention we deserve.

So I suppose my point is, there is a good chance that your wife is telling the truth and that this is the first time it happened and it went no further than a kiss. However I think it could be a good wake up call for both of you that your marriage needs a bit more attention and hard work. If she’s willing to stop drinking, then it does seem that she is genuinely sorry and wants to move on. I don’t expect you to forgive her straight away, but hopefully in time you can learn to trust her again and get your relationship back on track.

Lorna123

I think that the important thing here is that you wife is telling you she is sorry and wants to make amends. If she was tired of you and didn't want you anymore that would be a different story, but it is not the case here. She made a slip and who doesn't, but she has now come to her senses. What actually happened doesn't matter, the point is that she loves you and wants to have a good marriage with you and that is what you have to focus on. My advice would be to stop talking about this now before you drive her away. She has told you how she feels and that she only wants you, so you are a lucky guy !

fungun

huh, really? my read of what he said was that she said sorry, but was unwilling to really dig into the real reason why it happened other than the handy excuse of drink. Thats not really being sorry in my book, she owes him to work on whats wrong - like the poster above who addressed both the drink issue and the underlying cause.

Tony Ripe

Lorna123 wrote: »

I think that the important thing here is that you wife is telling you she is sorry and wants to make amends. If she was tired of you and didn't want you anymore that would be a different story, but it is not the case here. She made a slip and who doesn't, but she has now come to her senses. What actually happened doesn't matter, the point is that she loves you and wants to have a good marriage with you and that is what you have to focus on. My advice would be to stop talking about this now before you drive her away. She has told you how she feels and that she only wants you, so you are a lucky guy !

What happened does matter, if she's been having sex with other men he should break up. Why is he a lucky guy if she only wants him? That attitude is terribly low self esteem.

Stavro Mueller

Have you thought about going to see a marriage guidance counsellor? Maybe a third party in on this conversation might open it up a bit. It's certainly a better road to go down than a polygraph! You obviously don't trust her and she's not quite giving you the answers you want. It's an ominous sign when you feel you need a lie detector in order to get the answers you want.

Lorna123

Tony Ripe wrote: »

What happened does matter, if she's been having sex with other men he should break up. Why is he a lucky guy if she only wants him? That attitude is terribly low self esteem.

What's the point of looking at the worst case scenario here, i.e. that she could have had sex with this colleague. She told the OP that she didn't so that is all he has to go on right now. I consider him to be a lucky guy because she is remorseful for having a snog and doesn't want to break up with her husband over this. The OP doesn't want to break up with his wife either so in my opinion he is better off trying to be positive about all of this rather than looking at the worst case scenario.

If he ever finds out that his wife is actually having an affair with this guy, or any other guy then I would be offering him different advice, but why meet trouble half way at this stage and drive himself mad in the interim.

I just happen to think that it is better to deal with the information he has rather than what might be.

fungun wrote: »

huh, really? my read of what he said was that she said sorry, but was unwilling to really dig into the real reason why it happened other than the handy excuse of drink. Thats not really being sorry in my book, she owes him to work on whats wrong - like the poster above who addressed both the drink issue and the underlying cause.

You can look at this whatever way you like but the OPs wife did say sorry and did offer an excuse and was beating herself up over this incident. Of course they both need to work on what's wrong, that's a given.

wallycharlo

Lorna123 wrote: »

... I consider him to be a lucky guy because she is remorseful for having a snog and doesn't want to break up with her husband over this...

i.e. the OP should count himself lucky that his wife doesn't want to leave him now because of what happened?

If anyone should be counting themselves lucky I would imagine it should be the OP's wife?

Lorna123

wallycharlo wrote: »

i.e. the OP should count himself lucky that his wife doesn't want to leave him now because of what happened?

If anyone should be counting themselves lucky I would imagine it should be the OP's wife?

What I mean is that the OP should consider himself lucky that things are not more serious and that his wife is not looking for a divorce, but wants to stay with him. So on that count he is lucky. She is of course lucky too that her husband is prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt. So that's not a bad ending afterall

Confused Seeking Guidance

Been there, done that wrote: »

I can offer some opinions from the other side of the fence, because like your wife, I have had a drunken snog while extremely drunk. I am not proud of myself and in fact, I get so ashamed every time I think about it. It was only for a few seconds and it certainly went no further than kissing, but it doesn’t change the fact that cheating is cheating. There are a few other times when I have been all over men, not kissing or anything, but certainly being overly flirty

My husband doesn’t know what happened, but he has seen me being overly flirty and I know it kills him when I do it. I wouldn’t dream of acting like this sober, but it just seems that when I get really drunk, I just lose all sense of decency and loyalty. I have examined my conscience and tried to figure out why I act like this and I have come to the conclusion that like in your marriage, things have gone a little stale between us and I suppose I like the thrill and the attention from other men. I have always had low confidence, and it gives me a buzz and a confidence boost at the time, but then of course I feel so much worse when I sober up and get a good dose of the fear the next day.

After it happened, I came to the conclusion that I had no choice but to give up alcohol. I didn’t like what I was becoming when I drank and I had a problem with moderation, so abstinence was the only option for me. So far that is going ok and I am committed to keeping going. I am also going to follow your lead and make more of an effort with my marriage too. While my drinking was obviously a major factor and I am not trying to excuse my actions one bit, I do feel that we had begun to take each other for granted and not give each other the attention we deserve.

So I suppose my point is, there is a good chance that your wife is telling the truth and that this is the first time it happened and it went no further than a kiss. However I think it could be a good wake up call for both of you that your marriage needs a bit more attention and hard work. If she’s willing to stop drinking, then it does seem that she is genuinely sorry and wants to move on. I don’t expect you to forgive her straight away, but hopefully in time you can learn to trust her again and get your relationship back on track.

Thanks BTDT and to all the other contributors. You've all helped me to put some of my thoughts/options etc in context.

What BTDT said is, I believe, very close to the actual situation. It's a wake up call that we were taking each other for granted. The grass momentarily appeared greener on the other side but in that drunken moment my wife also realised cheating isn't going to fix anything and isn't what she wants.

We had a night way over the weekend and had a couple of pretty frank discussions. I explained all my doubts and how certain events in the past are now making me think there is more to whats going on than just a once off drunken snog. My wife understands why I may now be thinking that and we talked it all through. I was very calm and explained that life is too short to be unhappy so if she felt she would be happier with someone else we should just accept that and amicably move on, she shouldn't be afraid of the unknown or the consequences etc but she doesn't. The fact that she was so prepared to discuss all my doubts and paranoid questions and was so remorseful convinced me that this was indeed a stupid thoughtless drunken snog which she is mortified and embarrassed about and hates herself for. She knows she has broken a trust and knows it will take some time to heal.

I've now made peace with myself over this and we're going to move on. I'm not harbouring any bitterness or doubts. She's human and made a mistake which she regrets. I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater over this and I'm not going to use it as some form of emotional blackmail or ammunition when we have arguments in the future. I either forgive her or I don't and I do so time to file the incident in lifes emotional archive and move forward together. The relationship was cracked but I'm hoping the weld we put in place by paying more attention to each other and being more honest about our feelings etc will be stronger than what was there before.

Thanks again to everyone who contributed to this discussion. You helped save my marriage and perhaps thousands of Euro on counselling advice and polygraphs!!

CSG

wallycharlo

Confused Seeking Guidance wrote: »

I've now made peace with myself over this and we're going to move on...

Fair play OP, acceptance was always going to be 95% of the battle.

All the best.

kat.mac

Fair play OP, all the best for yourself and your family