occasional drag deal breaker?

LegacyUser

hey guys! after a few months with a girl, who is now my gf, find out that allegedly once in blue moon when drunk she will have a few drags when out. Im a massive anti smoker and the thought just makes me sick. Am I alone on this? Would it be a deal breaker for you?

BraziliaNZ

You mustn't think much of her if you're considering a break up over a few cigarettes once in a while. When you grow up you'll have much bigger issues than this in relationships.

ElleEm

Noone can tell you whether it is okay if it is a dealbreaker or not, only you can decide.
What is it about her smoking occasionally that would make you not want a future with her?
I don't smoke cigarettes, and find the taste and smell unpleasant, but have been in a relationship with a smoker for seven years. He brushes his teeth, chews gum, doesn't smoke in the house/ car, etc. so it is manageable for us. Relationship is about compromise, and if her having a drag off a smoke once in a blue moon is something you can't manage, then you may not be ready for the relationship.
With risk of sounding patronising, I would echo what Brazilia says- relationships are hard work, and if this is something you can't let go, then there is little hope for your relationship when the going gets tough.

_dublinlad_

The fact that your considering ending it over something so trivial as that makes it appear your feelings for this girl could not possibly be very strong. Nobody you will ever date will be 100% perfect. Instead of thinking about this issue I would suggest your time would be best spent on contemplating whether you truly have feelings for this girl, irrespective of the smoking issue.

Aseth

It wouldn't be a dealbreaker(my OH used to smoke but quit for good couple of yrs ago) for me but if you are feeling so strongly about it it's better if you end it now before it gets serious.

hullaballoo

unregistered wrote: »

Im a massive anti smoker and the thought just makes me sick.

Why?

If you don't have a pretty good answer for that, then it's just an excuse and you should end things before you hurt her.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies. Guys do you not think at 39 this behaviour is a bit pathetic from someone who classes themselves a non smoker? Her words when I found out were "oh I hate when that happens (smoking) when your ****faced. The next morning your life wtf" Im sorry but it does annoy / upset me someone damaging their health. ElleEm I get where you are coming from, but Id be more worried about what they are doing to their health, than the smell etc as offensive as it is. Just guess I am dissapointed. We are also in a LDR so that makes it even more difficult...

LegacyUser

"Why?

If you don't have a pretty good answer for that, then it's just an excuse and you should end things before you hurt her."

might have had something to do with being subjected to a chain smoking father as a child. Sitting in the car, at home having it seeping into my bedroom at night. Valid enough reason?

Esoteric_

unregistered wrote: »

"Why?

If you don't have a pretty good answer for that, then it's just an excuse and you should end things before you hurt her."

might have had something to do with being subjected to a chain smoking father as a child. Sitting in the car, at home having it seeping into my bedroom at night. Valid enough reason?

Honestly? No.

Your father was a chain smoker. I lived with chain smokers, and became a smoker myself (I've now quit), so I know how horrible that is. However, she has a few drags from a smoke when she's drunk. That's not regular smoking, it's not going to make her or her clothing smell, it won't leave your house smelly, etc.

ck83

I know this is off topic, but I'll give ye a laugh. When I saw the title of the thread, I thought it was going to be written by someone who wanted advice because their partner occasionally liked to dress up in drag.... Does that put some perspective on it?
I'd be inclined to overlook it, if your feelings are as strong as you say!

judgefudge

Why are you so judgemental? She has the odd smoke when she's drunk. It's not the crime of the century, and it's her choice! I doubt she's seriously harming her health by doing it but whatever harm she is doing is also HER choice.

I also grew up with 2 chain smoking parents. But I recognise that other people can choose to do what they want with their lives/body. I'm not going to disrespect them for it, even it i don't agree with it. Saying you think it's "pathetic" is really quite a horrible thing to say. Fair enough if it's a Dealbreaker for you but you can just tell her that and walk away without being a dick about the whole thing.

_dublinlad_

Just want to pick you up on saying that you are concerned for her health. This is obviously a good thing to be looking out for your other half's health. However if she is smoking as often as you says she does "once in a blue moon" then it really is not going to have a lasting effect on her health... one cigarette whilst drunk every coupla weeks or months or whatever the case may be is not much to worry about. I would imagine she is doing faaaaaar more damage to her liver with the drink... why arent you more annoyed/worried about that? Because your father wasn't an alcoholic?

BraziliaNZ

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

You mustn't think much of her if you're considering a break up over a few cigarettes once in a while. When you grow up you'll have much bigger issues than this in relationships.

That's very bitchy actually, sorry. But seriously, it really is the least of your worries if your bird likes a few drags of a cigarette when she's had a few. People do far worse things when they've had a few, so she's about as low on the spectrum as it gets.
I smoke when I'm drinking and I'm trying to quit altogether now, I've been at it for 20 years, it just sounds nuts to me that you're bringing it up as a dealbreaker. You need to mine your old brain there and see what beef you really have with her I think.

kat.mac

OP, I have no idea why this would ever be a deal breaker, but it sounds like it is for you.

Are you seriously considering breaking up with a woman because she "allegedly one in a blue moon" has a drag off a fag??

LegacyUser

Can only echo what the other posters are saying OP, it's not like she's even a social smoker, if it's only once in a blue moon. As for your concern for her health, if it's such a rare occurance the alcohol consumption and "getting ***faced as she put it is doing far far more damage to her health than a very very very occassional fag.

thefeatheredcat

What surprisingly hasn't been asked OP, is what is your girlfriend's stance on smoking? Is she anti-smoking or just middle of the road about it? Is she a former smoker or has she ever otherwise smoked?

If she was someone who was anti smoking/doesn't like smoking/takes issue with others smoking or passes comments on those who do smoke and then had a few drags or bummed cigarettes off smokers while drunk and became a "social smoker" and "only smokes (has a few drags to has a half or full cig) when I have a few drinks" sort of person, I'd have an issue on the hypocrisy of it.

If she was someone who is very middle of the road about it, has no issues with smoking in general such as it doesn't bother her if friends/family smoke and had a few drags out of curiosity or for a laugh or for the buzz when drunk but regrets it because of after taste or whatever and isn't running out the door to buy a pack and has no interest in it, then it wouldn't be an issue. It's common place that people do try, even to validate why they don't smoke and there are those who don't need to do that either.

I suppose if she had been all like against smoking and had validated your stance as having a similarish stance herself, I could understand the disappointment.

Whether it's a deal breaker, that's really for you to decide.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies. I knew a lot of people would say this sounds like a ridiculous issue. There are other issues, most people would say they are far bigger, actually they are, but this is the one that sticks. To be honest my head is fried with it. As you guys say, ultimately it is my decision. But is is about trust, if you dont have trust, you have nothing. She says now that she knows my views, shed never do it. But ultimately I think I dont think I can get over it, I dont want to cramp her style, if thats her thing Id prefer to break up, let her do what she wants. Can I also just be clear, its this middle ground **** I hate, either smoke or dont, I have dated girls before and when I knew they smoked, I just knew they wouldnt be for me, so didnt get close. Problem is I find out about this after getting close. Now she says last time it happened before this is 7 years. But I reckon even thats a lie, because when she first said things and didnt know I had an issue with it, it was supposedly hilarious.

"If she was someone who was anti smoking/doesn't like smoking/takes issue with others smoking or passes comments on those who do smoke and then had a few drags or bummed cigarettes off smokers while drunk and became a "social smoker" and "only smokes (has a few drags to has a half or full cig) when I have a few drinks" sort of person, I'd have an issue on the hypocrisy of it." see this is what annoys me, she changes on it, sometimes she has been anti it, then she will say she is middle of road. I deserve an honest answer so I can make my own decision. Problem is, there is no way now that she will give honest answer, knowing my stance on it. It happened twice 6-9 months ago, and those times she either did it of own accord (i'm not happy with it) or was peer pressured into it (at her age, Ill take serious issue with this too)... There is actually more to it, but Id have to write a bloody essay Lol

thefeatheredcat - thank you in particular for your very helpful reply. Your sentiments echo mine.

December2012

I can't work out if you're very controlling and wanting to micro manage your girlfriend or not.

It's not an issue that I would break up with somebody over, and I'm as anti smoking as they come.

But if it bothers you that much (and i don't think that it should, but thats my opinion) then break up with the girl.

kat.mac

You're obviously perfectly entitled to your views on smoking, but there are so many people that do sometimes smoke but consider themselves non-smokers in general - and I think, in all fairness, someone who has a drag off a cigarette every few months (it looks like she does it less than twice a year, and perhaps far less frequently than that even) is a non-smoker.

Contrast that to my own situation: I regard myself as an occasional smoker. I only ever smoke when I'm on the beer, and only maybe once every three or four months. But I would generally have a few cigarettes on those occasions, so I couldn't realistically call myself a non-smoker. Your girlfriend is definitely not in that category, and it doesn't sound to me like she's lying to you. She slips up very occasionally, that's all.

It sounds to me like there are bigger issues going on here, OP.

judgefudge

You sound really controlling and keep saying you have a right to know whether she's anti smoking or not. Jesus she just had a couple of smokes years apart when she's been plastered. I'd hate to think what else is a deal breaker for you.


If my boyfriend was acting so nuts over something so small and demanding to know where I stand on the matter so that he could decide whether I'm right for him I'd be running a mile.

The only advice you've thanked was the one posted that backed up your original sentiments. Maybe you should open your eyes and think about what everyone else has said. Beyond that I can't advise you further.

LegacyUser

again thanks for the replies! guys this is the thing that wouldnt bug me if it was years ago or she was say mid twenties etc. The responses are along the lines I expected & to be honest it is a near irrational level of anger it cause me. So let me ask you, say it was coke and your partners were doing it, would that be a deal breaker? trying to find out where the line is for you guys?

"You sound really controlling and keep saying you have a right to know whether she's anti smoking or not. Jesus she just had a couple of smokes years apart when she's been plastered. I'd hate to think what else is a deal breaker for you." I am an adult asking someone who I could potentially be about to give up a lot for where she stands on smoking, I want a simple answer to a simple questions, you think thats too much? you think if she cant give me that, I should go on and consider making massive lifestyle changes?

Esoteric_

Unregistered wrote: »

again thanks for the replies! guys this is the thing that wouldnt bug me if it was years ago or she was say mid twenties etc. The responses are along the lines I expected & to be honest it is a near irrational level of anger it cause me. So let me ask you, say it was coke and your partners were doing it, would that be a deal breaker? trying to find out where the line is for you guys?

"You sound really controlling and keep saying you have a right to know whether she's anti smoking or not. Jesus she just had a couple of smokes years apart when she's been plastered. I'd hate to think what else is a deal breaker for you." I am an adult asking someone who I could potentially be about to give up a lot for where she stands on smoking, I want a simple answer to a simple questions, you think thats too much? you think if she cant give me that, I should go on and consider making massive lifestyle changes?

I'd say you're gone from 'near irrational' in your level of anger, to just plain irrational, to be perfectly honest. I don't mean to be rude saying that, but it's how I see it. You're comparing a few drags from a cigarette, once in a blue moon, to doing coke? Coke is an illegal narcotic, you don't actually know what you're getting into it and therefore have feck all idea what you're taking. Cigarettes are legal, taxed, their ingredients (horrible though they are) are commonly known.

You have a simple answer to your simple question. Her actions are answer enough - she is a very infrequent smoker, when she drinks. Tbh, I don't think you're concerned for her health at all, like you claimed in an early post. All of your subsequent posts have been about how it makes YOU feel, how it affects YOU and questions that YOU want answered. Her actions have answered your question.

Tbh, you DO sound controlling and a bit irrational. I don't mean to be bad at all saying that, but you're going ballistic over a few drags from a cigarette, and demanding answers when they're blatantly obvious. When she's sober, she realises that smoking is something that she doesn't like. When she's drunk, it's different. People do things when they're drunk that they wouldn't normally do.

If it's that much of an issue for you, leave her. Trying to control her ability to have a smoke when she's drunk is not your right.

Karen8

I read the whole thread but maybe missed the answer. OP, why its such a dealbreaker for you? While i can understand it might hurt and annoy you to see your OH is damaging her health, why alcohol doesn't seem to bother you at all?

judgefudge

Unregistered wrote: »

I am an adult asking someone who I could potentially be about to give up a lot for where she stands on smoking, I want a simple answer to a simple questions, you think thats too much? you think if she cant give me that, I should go on and consider making massive lifestyle changes?

Giving up a lot? Massive lifestyle changes? I don't know what you're referring to but is there some resentment there toward her over these big changes? I think esoteric gave a much better explanation than I could about why she might have had the odd smoke.

So far all your posts are all about you, what you think, what you feel, what you "deserve to know". You don't even talk about whether you love this woman or not. It all just seems very petty and bitter and I actually feel a bit sorry for her.

Stavro Mueller

The answer lies in the bit where the OP brought cocaine into the argument. From the thread here we can gather that most people think he's being irrational and blowing something minor and rather silly out of all proportion.

But seeing as it has driven him to post here and is venting in the manner he is, then it sounds like a deal breaker to him. And to be honest if I was his girlfriend and read his posts and the manner in which he wrote about me, I'd be telling him to sling his hook.

Esoteric_

cymbaline wrote: »

The answer lies in the bit where the OP brought cocaine into the argument. From the thread here we can gather that most people think he's being irrational and blowing something minor and rather silly out of all proportion.

But seeing as it has driven him to post here and is venting in the manner he is, then it sounds like a deal breaker to him. And to be honest if I was his girlfriend and read his posts and the manner in which he wrote about me, I'd be telling him to sling his hook.

As would I.

At the same time, if it's a deal breaker for the OP, whatever his reasoning, he should be breaking up with her, too. If it's something he can't feel that he can trust her to stop doing, then he should be ending it, rather than demanding things that he doesn't trust his partner will even do.

RossFixxxed

My concer would be the 'near irrational anger'. I'm not even sure 'near' applies to this. I get that you don't like it, but it is all about you under the guise of concern which just peeled way fast. What if something actually serious happens? If you are this angry about someone having the odd smoke I can only imagine your reaction when times get tough.

I think you need to either get some help or let her go. I would be VERY wary of someone like you going out with someone I care about. I'm ONLY basing that on your posts which are very bitter and self centered tbh.

kat.mac

Unregistered wrote: »

again thanks for the replies! guys this is the thing that wouldnt bug me if it was years ago or she was say mid twenties etc. The responses are along the lines I expected & to be honest it is a near irrational level of anger it cause me. So let me ask you, say it was coke and your partners were doing it, would that be a deal breaker? trying to find out where the line is for you guys?

"You sound really controlling and keep saying you have a right to know whether she's anti smoking or not. Jesus she just had a couple of smokes years apart when she's been plastered. I'd hate to think what else is a deal breaker for you." I am an adult asking someone who I could potentially be about to give up a lot for where she stands on smoking, I want a simple answer to a simple questions, you think thats too much? you think if she cant give me that, I should go on and consider making massive lifestyle changes?

Cmere, smoking is bad for you but there's no comparison between it and cocaine. Plus, why are you even remotely interested in where the "line" is for US??

She gave you an answer to your question, as Esoteric said. I can't see how you think she hasn't given you that?!

You posted here asking for advice, you're taking none of it on board, and your anger levels seem to be only increasing. It seems like you actually came here to have your POV validated.

Chara1001

You seem a little scary actually, this level of self righteous indignation within this issue you posted about appears to be out of control.
If smoking is such a dealbreaker for you, just leave her alone and find someone who holds the same opinion AS PASSIONATELY as you.

StillWaters

There must be more to this. I find it unfathomable that a mature man would have such a reaction to his partner having the very very occasional smoke.
I can only assume you are getting cold feet about making these big changes. Moving from a LDR to a real relationship with physical proximity and are looking for an out?

December2012

It's not coke.

It's not even in the same sphere as coke so to compare the two is ridiculous.

Zen65

StillWaters wrote: »

I find it unfathomable that a mature man would have such a reaction to his partner having the very very occasional smoke.

I don't find it unfathomable at all.

I must confess to having an irrational but deeply-held dislike of smoking. It goes beyond the physical health effects to something much more deep in my psyche. As with Op, I was raised in a family where both our parents smoked, quite heavily. In my own head I linked that behaviour with some other selfish traits they both had, and which I see in so many smokers. Long after my parents died (and I hold the smoking responsible for my father's death at a young age) I still hold that pathological disdain for smoking, and by association I find myself not well-disposed towards smokers.

Of course I have friends who smoke, though I never stay in their presence when they smoke.

For me, being with a partner who did not share this disdain for smoking would weaken our shared view of the world, and accordingly would make a relationship difficult. It would be like a Jew trying to have a relationship with a Holocaust-denier. Of course it's only a belief, but it is a belief at the core of my world view, and in truth I have very few such views. It would be unthinkable for me to be in a relationship with a smoker, even an occasional one.

So I do understand where Op is coming from, and I do understand why the smokers here cannot see that as being reasonable. Oddly enough, if you replace "tobacco" with "cannabis" many people would be on the same side as op; in truth all that separates these habits is the arbitrary legal status that tobacco holds.

My advise Op, is that if you feel strongly that this is a deal-breaker then it is. There are so many people out there who might be more compatible with you than this lady, so why invest yourself in something that causes such a conflict?

Be at peace,

Z

Esoteric_

Zen65 wrote: »

I don't find it unfathomable at all.

I must confess to having an irrational but deeply-held dislike of smoking. It goes beyond the physical health effects to something much more deep in my psyche. As with Op, I was raised in a family where both our parents smoked, quite heavily. In my own head I linked that behaviour with some other selfish traits they both had, and which I see in so many smokers. Long after my parents died (and I hold the smoking responsible for my father's death at a young age) I still hold that pathological disdain for smoking, and by association I find myself not well-disposed towards smokers.

Of course I have friends who smoke, though I never stay in their presence when they smoke.

For me, being with a partner who did not share this disdain for smoking would weaken our shared view of the world, and accordingly would make a relationship difficult. It would be like a Jew trying to have a relationship with a Holocaust-denier. Of course it's only a belief, but it is a belief at the core of my world view, and in truth I have very few such views. It would be unthinkable for me to be in a relationship with a smoker, even an occasional one.

So I do understand where Op is coming from, and I do understand why the smokers here cannot see that as being reasonable. Oddly enough, if you replace "tobacco" with "cannabis" many people would be on the same side as op; in truth all that separates these habits is the arbitrary legal status that tobacco holds.

My advise Op, is that if you feel strongly that this is a deal-breaker then it is. There are so many people out there who might be more compatible with you than this lady, so why invest yourself in something that causes such a conflict?

Be at peace,

Z

I'm a non smoker and I find his behaviour extremely unreasonable, not his feelings.

His behaviour is unreasonable because he has not broken up with her, he's demanding answers that he already has, making demands of her and is subjecting her to a relationship in which she is not trusted by him. That is what is unreasonable about the OP's actions. How he feels is how he feels, it's not for us to tell him how to feel.

Anytime I see this thread title, I instantly think it refers to either the OP or someone else dressing in drag ..

But I digress.

I'm a non-smoker and, as such, would find it difficult to enter in a relationship with someone that heavily smokes. Or smokes regularly at all. However, there are many people that just are social smokers that only do so when drinking. I'm not interested in people that are heavy drinkers, as I am not in the slightest, so this doesn't bother me.

As long as they don't smoke in my room, burn me/my clothes, and maybe pop a chewing gum after, then I'm willing to look passed it if I am invested in that person.

It's an extremely irrational and somewhat condescending reaction from the OP, which makes me wonder what else is going on with them personally or with their relationship.

Princess Peach

The part that really stuck out to me was that it is a long distance relationship, and a fairly new one at that. She told you she didn't smoke, you found out she did and it's a violation of the trust you put into the relationship. It's gotta be hard to be away from someone you haven't had much time to really get to know. I can imagine a lot of thoughts maybe stemming from this news, what else don't you know about her and how can you get to know her better?

It's not that irrational if you dig a little deeper into the situation and what about it is really bothering you. Have a good think about how you feel about the whole relationship.

An occasional smoker would be a deal breaker for me anyway. I have bad asthma that I aggravated a few years ago by hanging out in smoking areas and having the occasional drag myself. I avoid going out if the group plans spending much time outside so.

Distorted

OP, it would be a dealbreaker for me too if a man I was dating smoked occasionally. Its personal preference, and no-one should dictate to you what that should be. Neither are you obliged to stay with someone you are not married to whom you lose attraction for. That's how people end up in stale relationships, or married to someone and secretly regretting it. Its probably part of the bigger picture for you, for me, I know its important that a man shares the same values and interests as me, and that's why I married another athlete. If I found out he was a secret smoker, it would mean he wasn't the same person he was purporting to be. But he wouldn't, because he shares exactly the same views about smoking as me.

And sorry, but I see so many women pretending to be something they're not, just to get a man. Its dishonest.

JenEffy

If you're in a long-distance relationship then surely the fact that she smokes very occasionally doesn't affect you at all? And to the person who compared it to smoking cannabis, I would imagine a lot of people wouldn't have a problem with their partner having a few tokes every so often when they drink.

LegacyUser

I too am virulently anti-smoking. And I too was in a relationship with a girl who was a non-smoker, until the day I caught her smoking, and it turned out she classed herself as a non-smoker who only had one 'once in a while.'

I am sick of this attitude amongst many smokers, who call themselves non-smokers because they only have the 'odd' one, or only smoke 'when out drinking.' It's as if it is to excuse themselves for something which they know others find repugnant. Either way it is lies, pure and simple. If you smoke, you smoke. Be honest.

Smoking is one of those issues that really riles people up, they get so defensive when accused of being smokers when they only 'have the odd one.' It's as if some deep seated guilt takes over, and they get overly defensive to compensate. You can see it here on this thread, with the OP being accused of being 'controlling,' simply for stating he doesn't like a thing which is perfectly normal and understandable not to like.

The issue for me here is one of trust. The OP clearly doesn't like smoking. He is in a relationship with a girl who presumably knows this, yet thinks it is ok to lie about it, because she 'only smokes when out drinking,' that lame old excuse.

If she is dishonest about this, what else will she be dishonest about? I'd cut her short, sharply. 'No thanks lady, you obviously have no respect for me, regardless of what respect you have for yourself.' Not because she is a smoker. Because she is a liar.

Esoteric_

Honesty_only wrote: »

I too am virulently anti-smoking. And I too was in a relationship with a girl who was a non-smoker, until the day I caught her smoking, and it turned out she classed herself as a non-smoker who only had one 'once in a while.'

I am sick of this attitude amongst many smokers, who call themselves non-smokers because they only have the 'odd' one, or only smoke 'when out drinking.' It's as if it is to excuse themselves for something which they know others find repugnant. Either way it is lies, pure and simple. If you smoke, you smoke. Be honest.

Smoking is one of those issues that really riles people up, they get so defensive when accused of being smokers when they only 'have the odd one.' It's as if some deep seated guilt takes over, and they get overly defensive to compensate. You can see it here on this thread, with the OP being accused of being 'controlling,' simply for stating he doesn't like a thing which is perfectly normal and understandable not to like.

The issue for me here is one of trust. The OP clearly doesn't like smoking. He is in a relationship with a girl who presumably knows this, yet thinks it is ok to lie about it, because she 'only smokes when out drinking,' that lame old excuse.

If she is dishonest about this, what else will she be dishonest about? I'd cut her short, sharply. 'No thanks lady, you obviously have no respect for me, regardless of what respect you have for yourself.' Not because she is a smoker. Because she is a liar.

It might not be lies, though. I know a lot of social smokers, who will have maybe one cigarette in a 6 month time frame, but would class themselves as non-smokers. I'd personally call them social smokers or infrequent smokers, because it IS smoking, but many of them truly believe that they are non smokers. if they genuinely believe that they're not a smoker, then they're not lying, although they are of course being bloody silly.

Thing is, I don't think anybody is disagreeing with how the OP feels. I'm not anti-drugs or anti-smoking, but if I were, and I found out that somebody I had been dating had told me they didn't do either when in fact they did, I'd be upset, annoyed and angry.

The problem here is that, instead of breaking up with her (because clearly smoking is a deal-breaker for the OP), he's making demands of her, demanding answers which he already has, and saying that he doesn't trust her not to do it again. For those reasons, he should be breaking up with her, not dragging this out.