So Confused

LegacyUser

Hi
As the title suggests, I'm so confused at the moment and I'm not sure whether to follow my heart or my head here.
I've been with my partner for 13 years and we bought a house 7 years ago and have two children, 3 and 1 years old.
We both love them to bits and they are our world. My partner works so much but he says he is doing it for us so we can afford to buy a house in the country, which has always been our dream. We live in an estate at the minute which we don't like and don't feel safe in.
He's wonderful in every way, great father, provider, could be a bit more sociable but he doesn't drink so doesn't mind me having my nights out, he's not the jealous type.
I should be so happy but I have always wanted us to be married and he has never been interested. He always says aren't we fine the way we are, house, kids etc. He thinks weddings are a huge waste of money so I've come up with ways that we could have a cheap wedding.
He still hates the idea so he would do it grudgingly, but only for me. What satisfaction would I have on my wedding day knowing he was only there because I made him do it?
He grudgingly bought me an engagment ring when I was pregnant on my first but only because I made such a big deal about it, I actually ended up crying because it was the most unromantic day of my life. there were no kisses or hugs just bought the ring and there you go!
Can I really go through the next 13 years with someone who I love and know he loves me but we want completely different things, or should I cut my losses before I'm too old and I'll never meet anyone else (I'm 36).
We never, ever go out together or socialise with friends. Hw would do anything to get out of nights out, he just has no interest but he's always been like this and like I said, he's fine for me to go out and he'll happily sit at home and babysit but he won't come to family gatherings either. He's very 'safe' but very 'boring'.
So sorry for the long post, I'm so confused. I think I should be grateful for my lot and grateful that he's not out in the pub all the time and worrying me.

Esoteric_

You say you want completely different things, but you don't, not really. You want a wedding. He wants a relationship. Presumably, he sees himself being with your for the long haul, as I'm sure you do him, so why the need for one day to declare it?

Not wanting to go on nights out, I'd leave him to it. He has no issue with you going out, so he obviously just likes chilling and having his own space, that's no biggie really.

Not going to family gatherings is a bit rude, though. He should be making some effort in that regard.

The wedding thing, though - what do you want, a wedding or a marriage? Are you willing to risk your whole relationship just because you want a day to declare your love?

Neyite

If his reasoning is that its a waste of money, you can get married for €150. Would you consider this? Is it about the wedding, or being married that you see as important to you?

He sounds perfect bar that one issue that you differ on. And is a wedding day/piece of paper that important to you that you would leave the man you love, who loves you, who seems to be the ideal partner and father have your children come from a broken home for a day out?

Dont get me wrong - I sympathise, as marriage is quite important to me too, but I made my peace some years ago that I want to be with him, married or not. (and we are still not married but meh, I dont really care these days)

And the older I get, I do see what a waste of money weddings can be, so I do see where he is coming from. Is he willing to do a cheap wedding? Are you? Or does he just not want marriage at all?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys,
I always wanted to get married but never pushed it too much until now, since we've had our children.
I hate having different surnames to our children and I hate the stigma attached to being an 'unmarried parent'. In the creche my children go to, I use the same surname as them because I'm embarrased. People always asume we're married becasue of our ages and again I'm too embarrased to correct them (we're both 36).
He is the eldest in his family and every one of them have been married in the past few years and all gone the 'proper' way of being married first and then having children. thats the way I always wanted to do things but I knew if I didn't have children in my 30s , I would never have them.
I have even suggested we have a small family dinner, and a civil blessing. No big money, no fuss. He's still making excuses so it's really not the money for me. I would even go away, just the four of us, somewhere foreign for a small family holiday and get married there.
I know it's crazy to break up an otherwise happy home but if i don't, I will just have to stay and go against everything I believe in just to keep him happy. What about my wishes?

LegacyUser

joder wrote: »

I hate having different surnames to our children and I hate the stigma attached to being an 'unmarried parent'. In the creche my children go to, I use the same surname as them because I'm embarrased. People always asume we're married becasue of our ages and again I'm too embarrased to correct them (we're both 36).

I have many friends with children and none of them are married. There is no stigma attached to them. Maybe that is your perception but most people don't care and you shouldn't care about their outdated opinions if they do.

Magicmatilda

I think you need to try and talk to your partner again. If you are willing to go to the registry office and just have a family meal and he is still refusing, then clearly it is not about the money.

Is he a legal guardian to the children? Does he realise the implications if one if you die? Or end up seriously ill in hospital? you are not automatically next of kin. While weddings these days are supposed to be romantic there is a very practical element to getting married. Otherwise why would the gay movement bother with campaigning for gay marraige. You need to explain to him just how important to you, being married is. I can understand it. He equally needs to explain just how important not being married is, the real reason. Perhaps some relationship counselling can help.

On a side note, you can legally change your name by deed poll. Or possibly the children's names, after all why should they have his name.

mygoat

Joder wrote: »

He's very 'safe' but very 'boring'.

Ouch OP...

If I knew that someone thinks that of me, I'd be very, very sad. If I found that my partner and the father of my children feels that about me, I'd be heartbroken.

See, I'm like your partner - I'm rather quiet, I like to do my own thing, I have no interest in parties or nights out; I'd do anything to get out of a nights out too! About a year ago, I met someone who is just like me, and guess what - I think he is the most exciting, inspiring and fun person in the whole world. This is how you're supposed to feel about someone you want to be married to - why on earth would you want to marry someone you find "safe" but "boring"?

And he knows OP, on some level he knows how you feel about him. Whether it's conscious or not, he knows. This is why he doesn't want to marry you, because intuitively he knows that he could do better than spending the rest of his life with someone who finds him boring. This is a big deal OP!

And you know what? You deserve better too. You deserve to be with someone who is excited about spending time with you and who wants the same things as you; you deserve to marry someone you find stimulating, inspiring and fun.

Letting go of this relationship would be excruciating, but if you dare to do it, it might just be the best thing you will ever do for yourself, your partner and for your children.

wallycharlo

joder wrote: »

...I hate having different surnames to our children and I hate the stigma attached to being an 'unmarried parent'...

Disagree strongly OP, the Ireland of today has no stigma whatsoever attached to being an unmarried parent. Have you a very strong Catholic faith?

joder wrote: »

...I know it's crazy to break up an otherwise happy home but if i don't, I will just have to stay and go against everything I believe in just to keep him happy. ...

Your partner sounds like a decent man, who may not just be the very social type. I know that you mention other things such as not going out, etc, but the way I am reading it is that these are side issues for you, and your main gripe is the lack of a wedding.

In my opinion it would be absolute lunacy to break up a family (with children) for the one reason that you are not married.

CaraMay

It's ridiculous to say there is no stigma attached to being an unmarried parent. There still.is and to deny it is just pure dumb.

In.all fairness the op is unhappy with her situation and she is entitled to be if she wants.

Op why do you want to marry someone who bores you

ck83

I'm curious... I know your partner knows that you really want to get married, but does he know you feel so strongly about it that you're considering leaving?
I can totally see your point- and it shouldn't be one person who just decides a wedding isn't going to happen, and expects the other to go along with it.
You have said that he will "grudgingly" get married, and endure the day for your sake- that might be as good as it gets- you can't make someone enjoy something. Though you never know, he might surprise himself.

wallycharlo

I would take the point (to a degree) in the case of a single parent, but in the case of a couple who have been cohabiting for a long time, have bought a house and are raising a family, is such a stigma really prelevant? Perhaps coming from people who are quite aged, or else people who are deeply religious, but outside of that?

I personally am in the exact same situation myself and would never once have had the feeling that such a stigma is still present in the Ireland of today.