Some Advice Please

Julie_S

Hey guys I'm looking for some advice. Upon finding out my Birth Mother has passed away I am all over the place emotionally(ok one minute, angry the next, crying my eyes out the next minute). My GP has said it's normal and is called delayed grief. However, my question is, as I am struggling to hold myself together while all of this is sinking in am I entitled to Bereavement Leave from work to deal with what's going on?

mamafi

Hi Julie. Sorry to hear about your bm. My hubby went through the same thing last year and couldn't understand why he was so upset about someone that he never knew passing away but at the end of the day I think that he always hoped that there would be some contact made at some stage . He was feeling really guilty about not starting a search years ago but what is meant to be is meant to be and even if he did go searching there is no way of knowing what way things would have worked out.I don't know the answer to your question but my gut feeling would be that no you wouldn't be entitled to the time off because as far as the state is concerned your bm would not be a family member..sorry:mad:

Julie_S

mamafi wrote: »

Hi Julie. Sorry to hear about your bm. My hubby went through the same thing last year and couldn't understand why he was so upset about someone that he never knew passing away but at the end of the day I think that he always hoped that there would be some contact made at some stage . He was feeling really guilty about not starting a search years ago but what is meant to be is meant to be and even if he did go searching there is no way of knowing what way things would have worked out.I don't know the answer to your question but my gut feeling would be that no you wouldn't be entitled to the time off because as far as the state is concerned your bm would not be a family member..sorry:mad:

Thanks mamafi. Yeah Im all over the place at the minute and feeling every kind of emotion from anger to pity and rage. I wouldnt wish it on anyone. Im sorry to hear about your husbands bm. Its a tough time to go through. I was thinking along the same lines as what you have said but my counsellor in work was saying because my original birth cert has my bm down on it then legally i may be entitled to something to give me a bit of time to grieve so I am looking into that at the minute

mamafi

Yes Julie..hubby was so sad that 1. he would never have the chance to meet bm.
2. The way his bm died and on her own made him feel really guilty.
3. He was feeling very confused because he couldn't understand why he had all these feeling about someone he never knew.
I can see where your counsellor is comming from about your original birth cert but at the end of the day that birth cert cannot be used for anything really because your adoption cert takes the place of your birth cert as far as i understand it.

rinsjwind

Hi Julie

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

Unfortunately, I think Mamafi is right and your adoption cut the legal parent/child link with your birth mother so you probably have no actual legal entitlement to time off. On the other hand, if your employers are the kind of people that provide an inhouse counsellor they might be sympathetic to what is a very unusual situation. Some employers, (I think mainly in the public service) allow for time off for a sudden and unexpected crisis (I think its called force majure?) and I think this safely fits that definition.

I know it's not much consolation, but none of the things you're feeling are at all unusual for someone who is grieving and you are having to go through this without all the little rituals and comforts that we normally have in such circumstances. Grief is a process which everyone handles differently and you do need to give yourself time and space to do this in your own way. There are also specialist grief counsellors around and if you can find a good one they can be a great help.

Finally, is there any chance of contacting other birth family members or friends of your mother?. You might not feel like that right now, but it can sometimes help to talk to people who knew her, see photos, visit a grave etc ?

Take care of yourself.

Rins

Julie_S

mamafi wrote: »

Yes Julie..hubby was so sad that 1. he would never have the chance to meet bm.
2. The way his bm died and on her own made him feel really guilty.
3. He was feeling very confused because he couldn't understand why he had all these feeling about someone he never knew.
I can see where your counsellor is comming from about your original birth cert but at the end of the day that birth cert cannot be used for anything really because your adoption cert takes the place of your birth cert as far as i understand it.

Yeah mamafi that's exactly how I am feeling since I found out. I never had the desire to meet her, probably because I have had such a good life with such a loving family but because she was so young I just always took for granted that if I ever changed my mind she would still be alive and now that chance is gone.
I feel the guilt your husband felt also about the way in which she died. But also anger that she knew she would end up dead but never came looking for me. I'm not sure if she went looking for my brothers and sister but I am presuming she didn't.
It's crazy to have all these feelings and emotions about someone I have no memories of whatsoever, but I suppose that's what the saying no one will ever understand the bond between a mother and child, cos you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside means :mad:

Julie_S

rinsjwind wrote: »

Hi Julie

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

Unfortunately, I think Mamafi is right and your adoption cut the legal parent/child link with your birth mother so you probably have no actual legal entitlement to time off. On the other hand, if your employers are the kind of people that provide an inhouse counsellor they might be sympathetic to what is a very unusual situation. Some employers, (I think mainly in the public service) allow for time off for a sudden and unexpected crisis (I think its called force majure?) and I think this safely fits that definition.

I know it's not much consolation, but none of the things you're feeling are at all unusual for someone who is grieving and you are having to go through this without all the little rituals and comforts that we normally have in such circumstances. Grief is a process which everyone handles differently and you do need to give yourself time and space to do this in your own way. There are also specialist grief counsellors around and if you can find a good one they can be a great help.

Finally, is there any chance of contacting other birth family members or friends of your mother?. You might not feel like that right now, but it can sometimes help to talk to people who knew her, see photos, visit a grave etc ?

Take care of yourself.

Rins

Thanks rinsjwind,

I can take 1 days Force Majeure alright so I probably will do that. The counsellor here in work is outstanding thank God and spent hours with me yesterday and will be meeting him again today and each day until Friday just to help get me through the week and give me support. He's also given me a list of organisations to ring that deal specifically with Post Adoption Issues.
I have asked my SW to try to contact my BMs brother (not sure if he is alive still) and ask him for any info he has and maybe a photo. I got her death notice so I was able to supply them with his name and her partner's name and where she is buried. I'm hoping he will agree to that but I'm cautious as I'm turning up 30 years later and maybe he won't want anything to do with supplying me with info.
I'm not sure I could handle going to her grave as yet cos I think it could stir up even more emotions that maybe I'm not ready to deal with or cope with. To be honest I wish now I had never looked for the medical info in the first place cos my life would still be as it was

mamafi

Julie, I don't know if it would help you are not but we have visited hubbys bm's grave a few times since he found out last year that she had passed away and every time we travel down to where she is buried we also stop outside where she lived to...We are lucky because she lived in the middle of nowhere and can quite easly stop there and have a walk about...It seems to help hubby in some ways and then in other ways he gets so annoyed that the sw has loads of info about him and his siblings that were also adopted (5 in all were adopted) and she won't pass it on to him...only getting same bits of info and tells him that they don't want contact although he is in contact with his youngest birth sibling and that is going well...how about your birth siblings..hubby and his bb talk about how they felt when they heard that bm had passed away and it helps both of them to talk...

Julie_S

mamafi wrote: »

Julie, I don't know if it would help you are not but we have visited hubbys bm's grave a few times since he found out last year that she had passed away and every time we travel down to where she is buried we also stop outside where she lived to...We are lucky because she lived in the middle of nowhere and can quite easly stop there and have a walk about...It seems to help hubby in some ways and then in other ways he gets so annoyed that the sw has loads of info about him and his siblings that were also adopted (5 in all were adopted) and she won't pass it on to him...only getting same bits of info and tells him that they don't want contact although he is in contact with his youngest birth sibling and that is going well...how about your birth siblings..hubby and his bb talk about how they felt when they heard that bm had passed away and it helps both of them to talk...

Mamafi , I was told 2 weeks ago that BM had a son a year after me, then a son roughly 15 years later and a daughter a year or so roughly after him. I am the first to make contact looking for info. I am very wary about looking for the oldest boy (as the younger boy and girl are too young to be contacted as yet) because I am thinking how can I go looking for him and then his whole world could be turned upside down with all of this news too

mamafi

Julie ,
I can only go on how hubby is feeling and he is delighted that his youngest birth brother came looking for him and even though it was hard to take in all the info at the time I can only say that he has thanked his bbrother a few times for being brave enough to make the 1st step but everyone is different and only you can make that call...1 question to ask yourself is if you don't make the move to search now and in a few years decide to do it and for some reason it can't happen because you left it to late would you live with the regret of not doing it now...

Julie_S

mamafi wrote: »

Julie ,
I can only go on how hubby is feeling and he is delighted that his youngest birth brother came looking for him and even though it was hard to take in all the info at the time I can only say that he has thanked his bbrother a few times for being brave enough to make the 1st step but everyone is different and only you can make that call...1 question to ask yourself is if you don't make the move to search now and in a few years decide to do it and for some reason it can't happen because you left it to late would you live with the regret of not doing it now...

I guess thats what I need to decide cos I dont want to have any regrets about anything down the road. Thanks hun

mamafi

No prob Julie...let me know how you get on and just to let you know there is a great closed group on facebook called adoption rights allience where it is all adopted mothers /people and or there partners.Only the people in this group can see what you post on the page but they are great for advice or just listening to what you want to get off your chest...maybe try it out...great support there from people that know what you are going through

Julie_S

Oh thats great mamafi thank you so much. I will join that group straight away seeing as it is closed. wary of people going on for a nose at my business lol

mamafi

C u there so Julie