rate my english essay?

Lost In Confusion

So I know there's already a thread but there's not many people rating my sample of my essay on that one can someone please rate this sample for me. It's only two paragraphs and please helpful suggestions


My bruises turned blue, black and green as I sat in the heavy, rusting iron cage like an abandoned dog. It was quite, the only sound I managed to hear was the sound of the wind whistling outside the barn. My hands and feet were tied with heavy metal chains, covered with salt, placed on my cuts to make me feel the pain. My mouth was covered with sticky duct-ape that was so tight against my mouth, that it felt like it was zipped. My eyes were blindfolded tightly with a foul smelling cloth but the smell of my own urine and blood from my terrible wounds dominated the place.What did I do to deserve this? I did nothing, I was simply repaying my parents debt.

I was working late the day I got kidnapped,finishing an incomplete assignment on advertisement due for work the following day. I departed the office with my black coffee which was piping hot as always. As I sipped my coffee, it burned the roof of my mouth which left an irritating,rough sand paper feeling. The feeling really irritated me so I decided to head back towards the office to get a drink of cold water. As I turned around the corner, approaching the office, a tall bony figure appeared in front of me. It was a man. He stared at me with his sharp green eyes without a blink. He was tall, bony and had filthy hair. His hair was so filthy it resembled an ancient broomstick. The left hand side of his face was terribly scarred. He was dressed in old,worn out blue jeans and a baggy t-shirt that appeared to once be a brand new white t-shirt which was now grey with filth. From his appearance and the way he was dressed I concluded he was a beggar.

I was wrong.

DublinArnie

"I was working late the day I got kidnapped." ... Should be like this "I was late working on the day I was kidnapped."

Lost In Confusion

DublinArnie wrote: »

"I was working late the day I got kidnapped." ... Should be like this "I was late working on the day I was kidnapped."

okay and how can i improve it to A standard, I need an A in English.I'm good at everything apart from personal writing, I get 100% in all comprehensions and Unseen Drama and Fiction and about 94% on unseen poetry. I don't do as well in studied cause I always have too much to write and I never simplify cause I always want to show off what I know.

Prodigious

Not bad at all. One thing I'd advise is a technique our teacher calls "show, don't tell".
For example, where you said "the only sound I managed to hear was the sound of the wind whistling outside the barn", better expression would be: "The sharp whistle of the wind echoed through the barn, impaling my eardrums"

As well as that, you should use less of "it was a man ... he stared ... he was"
Instead, try: The rugged, weathered man's green eyes bared into me, penetrating my soul. The mottled, stretched t shirt hung low over torn, crusty jeans.

Good for JC level all the same.

On a side note, it's very dark :P Cheer up!

DublinArnie

Prodigious wrote: »

Not bad at all. One thing I'd advise is a technique our teacher calls "show, don't tell".
For example, where you said "the only sound I managed to hear was the sound of the wind whistling outside the barn", better expression would be: "The sharp whistle of the wind echoed through the barn, impaling my eardrums"

As well as that, you should use less of "it was a man ... he stared ... he was"
Instead, try: The rugged, weathered man's green eyes bared into me, penetrating my soul. The mottled, stretched t shirt hung low over torn, crusty jeans.

Good for JC level all the same.

On a side note, it's very dark :P Cheer up!

Very interesing and I like your teacher's idea of "Show, don't tell."

finisher489

Prodigious wrote: »

Not bad at all. One thing I'd advise is a technique our teacher calls "show, don't tell".
For example, where you said "the only sound I managed to hear was the sound of the wind whistling outside the barn", better expression would be: "The sharp whistle of the wind echoed through the barn, impaling my eardrums"

As well as that, you should use less of "it was a man ... he stared ... he was"
Instead, try: The rugged, weathered man's green eyes bared into me, penetrating my soul. The mottled, stretched t shirt hung low over torn, crusty jeans.

Good for JC level all the same.

On a side note, it's very dark :P Cheer up!

No Gritty is Good... Better than all that BS the examiner might read from dozens of other students.

Lost In Confusion

Prodigious wrote: »

Not bad at all. One thing I'd advise is a technique our teacher calls "show, don't tell".
For example, where you said "the only sound I managed to hear was the sound of the wind whistling outside the barn", better expression would be: "The sharp whistle of the wind echoed through the barn, impaling my eardrums"

As well as that, you should use less of "it was a man ... he stared ... he was"
Instead, try: The rugged, weathered man's green eyes bared into me, penetrating my soul. The mottled, stretched t shirt hung low over torn, crusty jeans.

Good for JC level all the same.

On a side note, it's very dark :P Cheer up!

Thanks this is really helpful and my happy stories end up to boring i like mystery but you're advice is helpful are you doing jc?

Prodigious

Leaving Cert, tragically! Best of luck.

joeguevara

Pretty good. However, you have used the word 'filth' three times in the same paragraph.

Jack_OLantern

You just have to remember to proof-read and qvoid using the same deacriptive word twice i.e. filth and bony. Use grime and gaunt for a bit of variation. Apart from that, it's pretty much A standard, your expreasion is really good and it's a gripping story, keep it up.

john kinsella

Just one thing... first paragraph should read 'quiet' not quite

Very good for JC level though in my opinion.

dee_mc

Hi Lost In Confusion! I really like where you're going with this story, it's very descriptive, the only thing really letting it down is the repetition of certain words! If you keep in mind that you need to avoid this, and ensure you have editing time built in to your time plan for paper 1, you should do really well. I hope you don't mind I suggested a few edits below; this has the potential to be a great story, all the best of luck in the English exam (and the rest!)

Lost In Confusion wrote: »

So I know there's already a thread but there's not many people rating my sample of my essay on that one can someone please rate this sample for me. It's only two paragraphs and please helpful suggestions


My bruises turned blue, black and green as I sat in the heavy, rusting iron cage like an abandoned dog. It was quiet; (semi-colon instead of colon) the only sound I managed to hear was the sound (repetition, consider 'howl') of the wind whistling outside the barn. My hands and feet were tied with heavy metal chains, covered with salt, placed on my cuts to make me feel (maybe to 'intensify the pain'?) the pain. My mouth was covered with sticky duct-tape that was so tight against my mouth, that it felt like it was zipped. (repetition of the word 'that'- consider 'my mouth was covered so tightly with sticky duct-tape that it felt as though it was zipped shut) My eyes were blindfolded tightly (repetition of 'tight'/'tightly', consider using 'firmly') with a foul smelling cloth but the smell of my own urine and blood from my terrible wounds dominated the place. What did I do to deserve this? I did nothing (wrong), I was simply repaying my parents debt.

I was working late the day I got kidnapped, finishing an incomplete (unnecessary word, consider leaving out) assignment on advertisement due for work the following day. I departed the office with my black coffee which was piping hot as always. As I sipped my coffee, it burned the roof of my mouth which left an irritating,rough sand paper feeling. The feeling (repetition of 'feeling', consider using 'sensation' instead) really irritated me so I decided to head back towards the office to get a drink of cold water. As I turned around the corner, approaching the office, a tall bony figure appeared in front of me. It was a man. (consider 'the tall, bony figure of a man appeared in front of me') He stared at me with his sharp green eyes without a blink. (consider 'he stared at me unblinkingly with sharp, green eyes') He was tall, bony and had filthy hair. His hair was so filthy it resembled an ancient broomstick. (consider 'he was dirty and scrawny; his lank hair was so filthy and matted, it reminded me of the head of an ancient mop') The left hand side of his face was terribly scarred. He was dressed in old,worn out blue jeans and a baggy t-shirt that appeared to once be a brand new white t-shirt which was now grey with filth. (consider 'a baggy grey t-shirt that might once have been white') From his appearance and the way he was dressed I concluded he was a beggar.

I was wrong.