Moving country, leaving girl behind

Columbia

The basic question is:

Which do people tend to regret more; settling down too soon, or letting a wonderful person slip through their fingers?

I moved to a new country a couple of years ago, to do some volunteering. It's a developing country and while I enjoy living here, it's definitely not a place I'd want to settle down and make a life. Whilst here I met a local girl and we began a relationship, I'm 25 and she's 23. I made it clear from the outset that the relationship wouldn't be permanent, that a day would come when I left the country and I wouldn't be able to take her with me. I felt like it would be ok, as the relationship was less 'close' than previous ones I've had.

Well, fast forward in time and that day is a week from now. We were together yesterday, we were both pretty quiet, and eventually I saw some tears in her eyes. That made me well up and before long we'd both broken down completely. We pulled ourselves together for the rest of the day, but after I got home I broke down repeatedly. I'm pretty sure she did similarly. This morning I can barely face going into work, I feel so bad.

The girl has helped me daily for the entire course of our relationship, and has never expected anything in return. To be honest she has an unhappy and difficult life without me, and in some ways I have a Superman complex in that I feel I can "rescue" her from that. I feel like she has stepped in and made my life better and easier, and at the end of the day I'm just going to eff off and throw her back into it.

I'm not inexperienced in relationships, I've ended serious relationships before, and difficult though it was, I never reacted the way I did yesterday. I literally can't imagine my future at the moment. I know exactly what I'm going to be doing for the next 18 months, but when I try to imagine it, my brain tries to stick her into the picture and the whole thing breaks down.

As I said, it isn't the closest or most intense relationship I've had, but I feel like I'm possibly about to jettison the first person (except family members) that has ever selflessly cared about me and my well-being. Those people don't come along often, and I worry it's something I'll regret in 6-12 months, when I'm in another new country, and I find myself alone every evening. I will be a long way from home and any other friends.

There's no question in my mind that I can "get over it". Of course I can, but I wonder whether she can, and I also think that just because someone can "get over" a choice, doesn't mean that it was ultimately the right decision.

Anyway, sorry for going on, I'd be very grateful for any thoughts on this.

starling

Well as you say you don't want to stay there, and you can't take her with you...so what option do you have? Are you saying that now you're having second thoughts about leaving?
You don't mention exactly how long you've been together but in fairness you'd have to be pretty heartless not to be sad about leaving her.
What is it that makes you worry she won't be able for life without you? I don't mean that in a bad way, it's just that you hinted your concern was more for her than for yourself?

Columbia

Thanks for your response, Starling.

I'm not considering staying, but I am beginning to wonder if I should try to maintain "something" after I move away, perhaps eventually taking her with me. At the moment it's not viable financially, nor is my staying here.

You're right to say my concern is more for her. I am concerned about her future life because she has told me as much. I know the details of her life (work, family life, prospects) and it's not good, with no real chance of it getting much better.

Essentially I feel that this is a person who made a very positive impact in my life at a time when I needed support, and now I'm abandoning her to get a better job.

starling

You did mention yourself that you may have a bit of a 'Superman' complex; is it possible that you feel an obligation to her?
Reason I ask is, you say it's not the closest romantic relationship you've ever had. Now obviously only you truly know what your own feelings are, but how much of it is "I am deeply in love with this person and want to spend the rest of my life with her" and how much is "She has given me so much support and love, and her life should be better, I owe it to her to take her away from all that"?

Because sometimes we are in a person's life for a certain relatively brief time, but while we are there we love and support and help that person, and when it's over we both move on, with no hard feelings, and no holding each other to any obligations. It's completely natural. Do you think that she gave that love and support to you in expectation of being "paid back" at some later time? Most of us do those things because we want to, and never think of it as something that needs to be "repaid."
What's her setup as regards phone/email/skype etc? Can you still keep in touch with her after you've left, without too much hassle or expense for her?
More importantly, you mention her crying because you were leaving, but what has she actually said to you about it? Would she want to go with you? Or was it just the natural reaction to someone you love going away, presumably forever? Have the two of you talked about it?

Columbia

Thank you, that's excellent advice and you have given me a lot of clarity.

You're probably right, I guess I do feel some obligation. That's all from me, there's no way she's expecting any payback from the help she's given me. I suppose I didn't realise how important she had become until I was faced with losing her, but you are right, temporary is temporary.

She hasn't said explicitly that she wants to come with me, but she has made comments about wanting to live in foreign countries and to go travelling. The chances of that happening for her alone are very slim. She has internet access at work, so staying in touch won't be a problem.

At the moment, with your comments in mind, I'm thinking of going for the 18 months and keeping occasional contact with her. At the end of that time I'll assess everything, and most likely we'll find we have both moved on with only good memories of each other.

strandroad

Looks like you have a good friend in her, moreso than a girlfriend. Treat her as you would such a friend: be grateful for what she gave you, do keep in touch, perhaps one day you can lend her a hand somehow or perhaps not, time will show. Sometimes you can stay friends with your ex's; looks like it's such a situation alright.

desbrook

It's a common theme through this forum - both sexes "having" to finish relationships and asking for advice. Generations ago it was disapproving parents/priests/society or even all three. Despite the strength of these forces a certain percentage did find a way, rebelled and stayed together. Nowadays the forces have really been replaced by internal ones - career, money and personal development spring to mind.

Personally (I'm giving thoughts not necessarily advice) I think this is very sad. It feels like in 2013 romance is dead. No-one wants to make any sacrifice and take any chances. Eff that! It's not a "Superman " complex to want to make someone happy and enjoy doing so. You are loving in the true sense of the word. She seems to feel the same way. It's a question of priorities . Not sure if this helps but just my thoughts.

starling

desbrook wrote: »

Generations ago it was disapproving parents/priests/society or even all three. Despite the strength of these forces a certain percentage did find a way, rebelled and stayed together.

True, but a great many people of previous generations got married too young because it was the only "respectable" way for them to a) start their own lives independently of their parents and b) have sex. While some ended up very happy, I'd suggest they were the lucky few; a lot more just had to put up with choices they'd made at a very young age, whether they liked it or not. There's no reason for anyone to end up in that situation nowadays.

desbrook wrote: »

Nowadays the forces have really been replaced by internal ones - career, money and personal development spring to mind.

Yes, but just because the concerns of life are different, it doesn't mean they're any less pressing..

desbrook wrote: »

Personally (I'm giving thoughts not necessarily advice) I think this is very sad. It feels like in 2013 romance is dead. No-one wants to make any sacrifice and take any chances.

Believe me, I'm all for romance. But going by the way OP has described his relationship I'm not getting the impression that this is really a "can't lie without her, will live in a cardboard box if it means being with her" type of relationship. He's only 25, and I kind of think that if he was really truly madly deeply in love he wouldn't have a dilemma, he'd be set on being with her at all costs. Just my opinion.

desbrook wrote: »

Eff that! It's not a "Superman " complex to want to make someone happy and enjoy doing so. You are loving in the true sense of the word. She seems to feel the same way. It's a question of priorities . Not sure if this helps but just my thoughts.

Again the OP was the one to say he had a bit of a Superman complex, he has gone into a career that involves making life better for people in the developing world; clearly he has a genuine desire to help others. It's not necessarily the best foundation for a marriage though. Of course OP himself is the only one who knows how he truly feels about it. I was just suggesting possible motivations that he might want to think about.:)