emotional affairs

LegacyUser

Married along time, over a decade. Had our problems, depression, separation, back together. She is a stay at home mum, I work. Thing is she keeps her social life totally online so apart from the day to day stuff it really feels like she's emotionally detached. she keeps her internet activities totally private I have no clue what she does online when I'm at work. I have no clue about her friends except what she tells me. she says she loves me but I feel totally left at arms length. due to commitments we both cannot go away together but she has started insisting on going away by herself, no problem except it is to spend weekends away with male friends I don't know at all, they exist totally online. she says I've nothing to worry about that it's all in my head. very hard to accept that when I'm home with the kids and she's off meeting dave or jerry or tom. they share the same hotel room, she says they're just friends but I feel totally cut off from her emotionally. she says I have nothing to worry about they're just friends but from where i'm sitting this is not how it appears to me. she doesn't want me to contact her when she's away apart from the odd text, feeling lost

December2012

What do you do when you're at home together in the evening?

blatantrereg

Has she met them before she goes to stay in a hotel room with them? It would be pretty dangerous if not.

Regardless, in most cases there's a reasonable chance the guy would equate this as an offer of sex. She's an adult so she must be aware of that.

It would sound to me like she might be meeting them on a dating Website. You might have a look on the most popular ones to see if she has a profile.

At very best it is very inappropriate behaviour. Having separate friends is fine, and having friends of the opposite sex is fine too. Staying in a hotel room with guys she met online is a different kettle of fish to either however.

Merkin

So your wife is meeting up with random punters from the internet, spends the weekend in the same hotel room as them (never having met them in person before) and insists that you do not contact her for the weekend she is away doing God-knows-what with other men? Seriously? Not to insult either of you but have you thought that she might be on the game? Her behaviour sounds extraordinary in the extreme and totally disrespectful to you and your children.

You're going to get people in RI/PI who are vehemently opposed to snooping but I think that you absolutely have to in this instance. One of the more techie orientated Boardsies will tell you how to do it but there is some software you can download to track activity and key strokes so you'll know what she's typing when online. What she is doing sounds dangerous in the extreme but I don't think you'll ever get the truth from her directly so I would definitely advise tracking her activity online and seeing what the HELL she is up to.

I also don't know if you still have an active sex life but if you do I'd be using condoms until you get to the bottom of what she's up to.

starling

OP I know this is kind of the cliched advice for a lot of these kinds of issues but you and your wife really do need to talk about this honestly with each other.
Her behaviour is not really on, I mean going away to stay in hotels with male "friends" you have never even met is well out of order. Especially if they're friends she met recently as opposed to, say, old childhood friends.
I'm going to have to second the suggestion that it sounds like an Internet dating kind of scenario.
However - and this is absolutely crucial -when you talk to her, do not bring up this suspicion. If you start mentioning affairs she will be defensive and things will not go well.
I really recommend sitting her down and saying something like, "Lately I've been feeling like there's a distance between us, is there something upsetting you?"
What I'm saying is, don't be all "Who are you talking to? What are you talking to them about?" and so on. Any of those kind of questions are going to set completely the wrong tone.
You want to focus on the two of you as a couple and how you are / are not feeling as connected as you used to.
You say that the two of you have been through separation before and come back together, so there is obviously some precedent there for getting through obstacles together.
Um, I don't want this to sound like I'm criticising you by the way, but before this business started, how was your communication in general? Is it possible she was feeling neglected or anything and turned to the online social sphere to cope with it? I'm not excusing her behaviour,it's not fair at all, I'm just thinking that there had to be something that made her want to go down that road.

LegacyUser

Good lord....maybe its just me but your wife sharing a hotel room with another male is just not on. Even if I was totally comfortable with a male friend of my partner that I knew well and was sure nothing was going on, sharing a room is totally inappropriate. Your wife shouldn't have to keep her friends private from you either, your married that usually means you should talk about all aspects of your lives together. To be honest, given the circumstances its time to do some snooping. There is a program called webwatcher you can get, its geared for non technical people who want to keep an eye on what the kids are at online. I would start there.

Emme

OP, who pays for the hotel room? Does your wife pay her share (with your money because she's not working) or does Dave/Jerry/Tom pay for it?

Do you ever go away for a weekend with your wife?

Who looks after the children when she goes for her weekends with Dave/Jerry/Tom? What do the children think of their mother not being around at weekends?

You probably have to work very hard to make ends meet but if you're losing your wife to strangers she's meeting online is it worth it? I think you said you couldn't get away together, but why should she spend weekends with Dave/Jerry/Tom while you're working your butt off to support her and your family?

starling

Merkin wrote: »

So your wife is a hooker...../paraphrase

ah come on now, isn't that a bit of a leap? The facts as OP has described them suggest infidelity of some form, but unless the Mrs is suddenly washing the dishes in Jimmy Choos I think that might be jumping to conclusions, no?

I think everyone suggesting OP start spying on the wife is missing the point a bit, in that OP's really looking to know "What can I do to help my marriage" as opposed to "How do I build a case for the divorce I am going to initiate now?"

That is, (sorry OP don't mean to put words in your mouth) while he is wondering "am I being overly suspicious, or do I really have grounds for worry here" he's not necessarily looking at this as a war he has to win. His goal here, i'm assuming, is to fix his marriage.

And if that is indeed the goal, then I personally think spying on everything the wife does in the hopes of having definite proof with which he can confront her is going a bit too far at this stage. Remember the wife is still entitled to her privacy even if she is doing something not quite kosher.
If OP were to initiate a conversation about this issue, concentrating on what he's feeling (eg "I'm feeling like we are drifitng apart a bit, do you feel that?") opens the door for a more honest and less acrimonious outcome.

If he focuses on "what exactly are you getting up to?" what she will hear is "I don't trust you. I think you're cheating on me. Now prove you're not." It will feel more like an attack than an attempt to reconnect, it will put her on the defensive. It is much less likely to end with an honest and productive outcome.

Worst case scenario, (I really hope this doesn't happen OP) she feels aggrieved and angry at being spied on or accused, this hurt and anger spurs her to react angrily, perhaps by saying "You know what, I haven't been cheating, but I might as well, if you're going to believe that anyway," and the chances of fixing things get smaller because now, on top of whatever other issues were there, they've got the whole "You don't trust me, you think I'm a liar and a cheat" to deal with too.

There will be time down the road for the indirect methods if OP's wife refuses to engage in this discussion, but at this stage talking to her is probably a less confrontational way to proceed.

Cascading Waterfall

starling wrote: »

ah come on now, isn't that a bit of a leap? The facts as OP has described them suggest infidelity of some form, but unless the Mrs is suddenly washing the dishes in Jimmy Choos I think that might be jumping to conclusions, no?

I think everyone suggesting OP start spying on the wife is missing the point a bit, in that OP's really looking to know "What can I do to help my marriage" as opposed to "How do I build a case for the divorce I am going to initiate now?"

That is, (sorry OP don't mean to put words in your mouth) while he is wondering "am I being overly suspicious, or do I really have grounds for worry here" he's not necessarily looking at this as a war he has to win. His goal here, i'm assuming, is to fix his marriage.

And if that is indeed the goal, then I personally think spying on everything the wife does in the hopes of having definite proof with which he can confront her is going a bit too far at this stage. Remember the wife is still entitled to her privacy even if she is doing something not quite kosher.
If OP were to initiate a conversation about this issue, concentrating on what he's feeling (eg "I'm feeling like we are drifitng apart a bit, do you feel that?") opens the door for a more honest and less acrimonious outcome.

If he focuses on "what exactly are you getting up to?" what she will hear is "I don't trust you. I think you're cheating on me. Now prove you're not." It will feel more like an attack than an attempt to reconnect, it will put her on the defensive. It is much less likely to end with an honest and productive outcome.

Worst case scenario, (I really hope this doesn't happen OP) she feels aggrieved and angry at being spied on or accused, this hurt and anger spurs her to react angrily, perhaps by saying "You know what, I haven't been cheating, but I might as well, if you're going to believe that anyway," and the chances of fixing things get smaller because now, on top of whatever other issues were there, they've got the whole "You don't trust me, you think I'm a liar and a cheat" to deal with too.

There will be time down the road for the indirect methods if OP's wife refuses to engage in this discussion, but at this stage talking to her is probably a less confrontational way to proceed.

OP ignore the likes of this nonsense above.

You need to put your foot down and draw boundaries with what you're not comfortable with. What she is doing is ridiculous. Tell her it has to end.

Ickle Magoo

Cascading Waterfall, welcome to PI. Please note all posts are expected to be mature, civil and constructive at all times. Referring to others advice as nonsense is not civil and is inflammatory.

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Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm sorry to say, it sounds like more than 'emotional' cheating. It sounds like full on cheating.

What she is telling you doesn't make sense. Why the need for so many male friends? Does she ever meet up with female friends? Why the need to meet up in and stay in a hotel? Why the need to stay in the same room? If they are all 'just friends', why the need to hide you away by making sure you don't contact her?

I think you know in your heart that there is more going on. Maybe she is telling you there is more going on but you're not listening or hearing it.

I would not be happy in a relationship like yours. It would seem you are not happy with the set up, either. So you need to take steps to change it.

starling

OP just remembered one other thing which might help, and which you might already have known (if so, sorry)
if you want to open up a conversation about this I would recommend saying "I want us to talk about our relationship" and agreeing a time and place in advance, when you can both arrange to be free of distraction (like maybe when the kids are not at home and won't be interrupting for whatever reason).
Sort of like a "date night" except y'know not as much fun.

It does seem overly formal like some kind of work meeting, but it benefits both of you because you can both give your full attention to the conversation, whereas if you just go "right were talking this out now" other things can affect the conversation and the mood. It is harder to be talking about these things and not fighting if one person is tired or stressed or not at their best; likewise if they are also trying to drive/keep an eye on kids/do the housework. Also I just think that it might make your wife even more reluctant to have this talk if she feels it is being sprung on her unexpectedly.
Also this way both parties know the conversation is going to happen in advance so nobody can use mood or other things they need to do as an excuse to put it off or get out of having it altogether.