Who is in the wrong here?

RoisinDove

Had a falling out with my parents. Basically, I've been living in a nice hot country for a year with my partner. We'll be leaving in just over a week to go to another country (not Ireland). A while ago, my parents asked if they could visit early next week (Tuesday). They've had the last year to visit and have not been particularly busy. They've visited my sister in another country twice. I replied that it wasn't a good time, as it's our last week and we have our hands full wrapping things up at work, saying goodbye to friends and packing to go home. I was planning to go to Ireland at some stage during the summer and see them then.They made me feel really bad about this, as if I just didn't want to see them and I felt backed into a corner. I thought they were being pretty inconsiderate and just disregarding how awkward it's going to be for us.

As a compromise, I said if they were going to come, they could take some of our belongings back to Ireland, as we'd otherwise have to pay a fortune in excess luggage. They agreed to this. They've now changed their mind and have said it's not convenient, and refused to take anything. I'm furious, as the condition of them coming over was that they'd do something to help us out. They're painting me as the villain here, as if the only reason I want to see them as because I want to use them, whereas I feel they're using ME as a cheap place to have a summer holiday. Yes, the only reason I said yes was because we could really use the help with the extra luggage - is that so bad? Why is it so bad I asked a small favour when they're really putting us out quite a lot? Any other time to visit would have been fine - who lands on someone during their last week in a place? Who is in the wrong here?

ElleEm

To be honest, if anyone is "in the wrong" here, it is you.
You didn't want them to visit as you were busy, so you should be happy you get that week to yourself to organise everything. Had you not have known about their possible visit, you would have had to pay excess baggage anyway.
You also say that you are "furious" as the condition of them visiting was to take some of your stuff home. They are not visiting, so what are they supposed to do regarding this "condition" you imposed on their visit?
I am not surprised they didn't wanna visit anymore.

sashafierce

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3DataModem

You both are, mainly you.

Yes it is inconsiderate to visit at a time when you are understandably busy. You shouldn't have given in on this if it really was a big deal. The way to deal with this is to have an ADULT conversation - would they impose their will on friends living abroad? I think not.

However once you gave in, that was that. You can't say "you can only visit if you carry our baggage"... that's idiotic and offensive.

Enjoy their visit as best you can, do your packing, and get over it.

RoisinDove

ElleEm wrote: »

To be honest, if anyone is "in the wrong" here, it is you.
You didn't want them to visit as you were busy, so you should be happy you get that week to yourself to organise everything. Had you not have known about their possible visit, you would have had to pay excess baggage anyway.
You also say that you are "furious" as the condition of them visiting was to take some of your stuff home. They are not visiting, so what are they supposed to do regarding this "condition" you imposed on their visit?
I am not surprised they didn't wanna visit anymore.

Ehhh...what? I don't have the week to myself. They ARE coming. They're not taking the luggage. And my OH probably would have flown back to Ireland for a weekend with the luggage if they hadn't said they'd do it. It's too late for him to do that now.

3DataModem wrote: »

You both are, mainly you.

Yes it is inconsiderate to visit at a time when you are understandably busy. You shouldn't have given in on this if it really was a big deal. The way to deal with this is to have an ADULT conversation - would they impose their will on friends living abroad? I think not.

However once you gave in, that was that. You can't say "you can only visit if you carry our baggage"... that's idiotic and offensive.

Enjoy their visit as best you can, do your packing, and get over it.

I don't see how that's my fault. I said I was busy 2 or 3 times, they said fine, then next time they called, brought it up again. I felt really guilty about saying no, as I DO really want to see them - it's just a really bad week. And yes, they would do this to friends living abroad, they do it all the time.

I don't see what's idiotic about saying, 'look, we're busy and it's a bad time, but we could really do with help with our luggage, so if you really want to come then, could you help us out?' We're left in a really bad situation now, as my OH would have flown over to Ireland with a bag at some stage, if they hadn't promised to help us out. Now it's too late for him to do that, so we're left with an extra suitcase full of luggage we can't take with us and will have to post home or throw out (turns out we can't even take it on the plane - we already have the max number of bags allowed). They've let me down and that's why I'm annoyed. If they'd said no in the first place, I'd have just said to leave it then. It's not as if I was being childish by saying 'here's a condition you have to meet' - we genuinely needed the help.

This isn't unusual for my family at all - I've visited my sister many times on the condition that I took something over/back for her. I don't see what the issue is with this. I wouldn't expect my sister to put me up, especially at a time she was busy, if I wasn't prepared to help her out with something she needed....favours go both ways.

RoisinDove

sashafierce wrote: »

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But I feel a bit used. I feel like they just want a cheap holiday and don't care at all that they're putting us out. And they are still coming, they have just said they don't want to take the luggage. So I'm keeping my end of the bargain and they're not keeping theirs.

evolving_doors

RoisinDove wrote: »

But I feel a bit used. I feel like they just want a cheap holiday and don't care at all that they're putting us out. And they are still coming, they have just said they don't want to take the luggage. So I'm keeping my end of the bargain and they're not keeping theirs.

I'm with you OP... the only way is just to carry on doing with what you planned once they arrive..i.e. Hand them a spare set of keys apologise for the lack of furniture and boxes all over the place, get the heating and light switched off, then leave to go out with your colleagues and boyfriend every night.They might take you seriously next time.

The Jman

You definitely aint in the wrong OP. Who in their right mind would pick your last week as a good time to come visit??? It sounds like they're viewing this as their last chance to get a cheap holiday wherever you're living at the mo, shame on them!

judgefudge

I really don't think you are in the wrong at all here OP. they could have been more considerate about when they visited and are being awkward now. I'd be fairly pee'd off if I was in your position so I see where you're coming from but to be honest I'd just let it go. You haven't seen them in a year so just try to let this go and enjoy the time with them.

sashafierce

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a posse ad esse

Armelodie wrote: »

I'm with you OP... the only way is just to carry on doing with what you planned once they arrive..i.e. Hand them a spare set of keys apologise for the lack of furniture and boxes all over the place, get the heating and light switched off, then leave to go out with your colleagues and boyfriend every night.They might take you seriously next time.

I agree that you continue with your plans. Just pack and remove things from the house, or you could tell them that they have to stay at a hotel because there will be no more furniture left as you had to sell things and clear the place before departure.

I would carry the extra luggage on the plane and pay extra for it. Sometimes it is cheaper to pay extra baggage fees than shipping the stuff. This is what I've done when I was moving to Canada, it was only 60$ CDN and it was a flat fee per extra luggage whereas shipping it would be almost triple that!

thefeatheredcat

RoisinDove wrote: »

I don't see how that's my fault. I said I was busy 2 or 3 times, they said fine, then next time they called, brought it up again. I felt really guilty about saying no, as I DO really want to see them - it's just a really bad week. And yes, they would do this to friends living abroad, they do it all the time.

Am I understanding correctly that they regularly land on people at the last possible chance to stay with them, even if the people are leaving that week? That's shockingly inconsiderate IMO and the fact that nobody has put their foot down on that sort of behaviour before is just as bad, if eventually someone relents and lets them come, despite it being massively inconvenient for them to have someone stay.

I know myself from moving out of houses I'd spend that time packing up and cleaning, I know with the last house I moved out of I was up from early in the morning until late at night for the last week organising my stuff, packing and cleaning out things and cleaning the house, between everything else like eating and getting necessary groceries, saying goodbyes to neighbours and stuff.

RoisinDove wrote: »

I've visited my sister many times on the condition that I took something over/back for her. I don't see what the issue is with this. I wouldn't expect my sister to put me up, especially at a time she was busy, if I wasn't prepared to help her out with something she needed....favours go both ways.

This seems to be an arrangement that you and your sister have, but not with your folks, given that they feel taken advantage of. If your parent's plan was to go over specifically to see you and help you pack up and take whatever excess, they and you would feel differently about the whole arrangement.

I don't really see what you can do here, except make alternative arrangements for whatever luggage is left over somehow. Is there stuff that you could give away to friends and colleagues there or even neighbours or charity shops or something? Maybe if they see what you have left they might be in a position to offer room in their luggage?

I think OP for the next country, they need to show more awareness that they can't just impose themselves on others like that when it suits them and make sure they know that they can't do the same thing again.

As for falling out with your folks, they're still coming anyway, maybe by the time they get there and see that actually you are busy packing and stuff they'll feel a bit bad and maybe ye all will feel differently about it. They did have a year to visit and never took up the chance to do so, for whatever reason, until the last moment possible, when it's inconvenient for you. I don't think you should hold onto what happened and just make the best of their visit, who knows, maybe they'll see it differently and be generous towards you and pitch in and help out.

MJ23

They're your parents, appreciate them while you have them. Not everyone has that luxury.

LegacyUser

MJ23 wrote: »

They're your parents, appreciate them while you have them. Not everyone has that luxury.

That's poor advice. Because some people's parents are dead the rest of us should live in perpetual bliss with our own? Besides, arguments are a healthy component of any loving relationship.

OP, I think you were both wrong to some extent. It was shortsighted of them to organise a visit during your last week, but you either have them or you don't; adding 'conditions' (your word not mine) to their stay was never going to end well. You should have stuck to your guns and just told them there was too much to do and not enough time to do it.

homerjay2005

who makes "conditions" to see their parents?

that is shocking IMO and very selfish. OP, pipe down and stop making a problem out of this.

ted1

Carrying luggage back is theist costly way. It would be much more economical for you or them to pop down to the post office and post back your luggage. Problem sorted it'll take them half an hour one day.

Lorna123

I think your parents are being very inconsiderate unless the reason for going over was to help you pack. I also cannot see why they can't help out with the suitcase. It will cost them extra on the way back but so what. They are getting free accommodation. I don't understand them at all.

maryk123

They are your parents for goodness sake. You make it sound like the end of the world. It's a suitcase full of clothes. Throw them out give them away. You are completely in the wrong. I understand its your last week and you are up to your eyes but you will look back on this and see how selfish you are being.

The_Conductor

ted1 wrote: »

Carrying luggage back is theist costly way. It would be much more economical for you or them to pop down to the post office and post back your luggage. Problem sorted it'll take them half an hour one day.

+1
Depending on where you are posting it from- most EU countries have a 20kg box rate of about EUR60. If you're fairly judicious- one or two should sort you.

fungun

Id be pissed off with them a bit if i were you in terms of them putting pressure on you but i think your messaging to them hasnt helped. You are either too busy or you are not. Saving a few quid on extra luggage is a separate thing, so its hard to understand how you were not too busy to see them once they were going to take some bags. And now too busy again when they are not

ElvisChrist6

Your parents are in the wrong, you are not. They guilted you into agreeing it by saying you didn't want them or whatever so you found a way of making things easier DESPITE them making things harder for you.

The key thing in play here is the guilt. If they didn't get you to agree you wouldn't have had to try and make things easier for yourself. They're in the wrong!

homerjay2005

homerjay2005 wrote: »

who makes "conditions" to see their parents?

that is shocking IMO and very selfish. OP, pipe down and stop making a problem out of this.

I don't think people who don't grow up with their family scattered around the globe ever really 'get' this. It's not conditions as such, it's 'look, if you want to come, would you mind doing XYZ for me?' I do it for my family and they do it for me. It's not a condition, it's just a decent thing to do and people are usually more than happy to do it.

I don't see the OP telling her parents they can't come - she wants to see them, but the timing is really bad (has anyone actually any idea how stressful the last few days in a country are? Not going back from backpacking in Oz to your parents' house, but properly moving country? Packing, cleaning, saying goodbye to everyone, doing exit paperwork (depending on the country), sorting out a rental lease and jobs for when you get back...), and they've gone back on their word and now things are even more stressful. My parents once came over to London to help me pack and move out after I'd finished college and the help was wonderful, but if they'd come over that week just for a free holiday while I was trying to pack? That would have been so selfish! Jesus, when someone is moving country, you either go to help out or you don't go at all. That's surely common sense?

Living abroad, I often ask people who want to visit if they can bring something with them or take something back. Medications, food, presents, sometimes clothes. It's not as if I won't let them stay if they don't do it, but how is it selfish? Expecting free accommodation (and maybe food) for several days and not being prepared to do something to help me out a bit seems 10 times more selfish to me.

Cianos

Harold Wet Locomotive wrote: »

I don't think people who don't grow up with their family scattered around the globe ever really 'get' this. It's not conditions as such, it's 'look, if you want to come, would you mind doing XYZ for me?' I do it for my family and they do it for me. It's not a condition, it's just a decent thing to do and people are usually more than happy to do it.

I don't see the OP telling her parents they can't come - she wants to see them, but the timing is really bad (has anyone actually any idea how stressful the last few days in a country are? Not going back from backpacking in Oz to your parents' house, but properly moving country? Packing, cleaning, saying goodbye to everyone, doing exit paperwork (depending on the country), sorting out a rental lease and jobs for when you get back...), and they've gone back on their word and now things are even more stressful. My parents once came over to London to help me pack and move out after I'd finished college and the help was wonderful, but if they'd come over that week just for a free holiday while I was trying to pack? That would have been so selfish! Jesus, when someone is moving country, you either go to help out or you don't go at all. That's surely common sense?

Living abroad, I often ask people who want to visit if they can bring something with them or take something back. Medications, food, presents, sometimes clothes. It's not as if I won't let them stay if they don't do it, but how is it selfish? Expecting free accommodation (and maybe food) for several days and not being prepared to do something to help me out a bit seems 10 times more selfish to me.

Asking someone to do you a favour is one thing, but it sounds like the OP stated that their hospitality was there only on the condition that the parents bring the luggage back.

Everyone's in the wrong here imo.

blackbird98

RoisinDove wrote: »

..... A while ago, my parents asked if they could visit early next week (Tuesday).

I think this is the deciding factor, did they ask you before or after you decided to move? And when did they realise you were moving??

IMO. if they decided to come over knowing that you were relocating, then I think they are being unreasonable, however, if they didn't know, and you made your arrangements without telling them, then it's you that has been unreasonable

blatantrereg

You compromised by saying they could stay with you if they took a bag back. Now they're refusing to take a bag back, so refuse to let them stay with you. It's straightforward, don't engage with them or let them try to make you feel bad. Don't have guests in your house who are exploiting you and making you feel bad. If they've already paid for flights etc that's their problem, and the result of their own actions.