Ex in work, unsure what to do

thegeist

Hey, I Have an issue with a girl I used to go out with in work. We were together about 4 years ago for 7-8 months and I fell completely in love, it ended strangely and I was devastated as it was the first girl I ever felt that way about, I still would be very attracted to her. It was a problem because we hung out in work, initially I wanted to distance myself but eventually it passed and we still hung around and the awkwardness went. It took a lot of time and effort. The problem now is that she has started a relationship with someone else in work right in front of me, I told her outright that I had never fully resolved my feelings and that I would find it difficult to be around. Firstly was I wrong to say anything?, is it right that she should go out with someone right in front of someone she knows was in love with her give a number of years has passed? and should I just remove myself from the situation as it causes a lot of pain and makes work very difficult? Any input would be appreciated.

December2012

She isn't doing it to be cruel - presumably she's doing it because she likes the other person. It's nothing to do with you really.

Is she supposed to stay single just because you haven't got over her?

3DataModem

When you started a relationship with someone in work what did you expect?

There are two possibilities
- you are together forever
- you break up

Challo

Four years is a long time to still have feelings for someone. I don't know what to advise you but to answer one of your questions, yes she has every right to go out with whoever and wherever she likes.

thegeist

I know shes entitled to be with who ever, after all that time especially, I prob shouldn't have asked that. The problem with a work relationship is that when they go bad you are never given that space that is required to fully get over someone, we all know what they say about work relationships anyway. My issue is should I finally just cut off contact in work, ie lunches and social events and give my self a chance to find someone else or press on in the same situation an just endure the anguish it causes. I really want to meet some one else, my confidence in that matter is constantly undermined by my exposure to this situation and I sometimes feel like a can't break out of the rut.

Tmeos

That sounds really tough, it's good that you realise that you can't exert any control over who she chooses to go out with although the situation is undoubtably painful for you. If you think it would help you to move on then maybe it would be best to cut ties with her but you must be doing this for yourself not to 'punish' your ex for her new relationship.

It does seem a very long time for you to harbour these feelings, have you considered some counselling to get resolution for yourself? Is there any way you can change job and remove yourself from the situation entirely?

All I can suggest is that you put the focus firmly back on yourself and what makes you happy and start being proactive to make that happen whether its new interests getting back into dating or just removing yourself from this environment altogether

thegeist

Thanks, I've done counseling twice, and I can't change job anytime soon, I think I just have to grin and bear it, I think not being around would appear to be punishment, and that makes things worse, I think I was stupid for saying anything to her, unfortunately It was an impulse, a moment of madness that has probably caused problems now, all our awkwardness had finally completely passed and I think this has undone that. I also think that my attraction is causing me to see only the good things, if we went out long term who's to say how it would have ended, but it ended and I had accepted that, I am maybe jealous of anyone how is with her, so when its also in work that is harder, but that's my problem. The problem with relationships is that if they are a week or 30 years and they end, the ending stains any memories of good times that were had and makes us doubt ourselves and others, it's all about getting back on the horse somehow and rolling the dice again.

ivytwine

It might be actually good for you to see her with someone new and get closure. Something similar happened to me (I didn't still have feelings for my ex tho) and it was actually really nice to talk to him and close the door on that chapter. You don't often get that kind of opportunity in life.

thegeist

I don't want to air dirty laundry but when she ended it in work it caused pretty bad problems, prob more for me then her. After that she went out with another guy she was friends with for 6 months and dumped him for no real reason, she then couldnt hang around with those friends anymore. Then she started to go out with a guy she had been friends with for years, after two years he dumped her and all that circle of friends was gone too. She became ill and could not work after that for nearly a year. All this time myself and another guy, who was a really close friend to her and helped her through most of her stuff and she confided in him alot, helped her get some of her esteem back, we would meet her for drinks as she had no one really else. Her close friend told her repeatedly if she made friends not to go out with any of them.

We met her in august of last year and she said she had made a group of new friends and low and behold it turns out she was with one of them after just a week or two of getting them, we never were told this but facebook updates said other wise. The difference now was that when she came back to work, she told us nothing and denied everything, I was always kept out of the loop but her close friend who she confided in and had helped the most she just plain ignored, treated him as if he wasn't there, we still went on lunch and planned gatherings but there was a change. It turns out now that this relationship ended and her new group of friends are no more.

Now the guy she is making moves to go out with has been in the building about 4 months, shes already gone out for drinks with her new buds on several occasions, non of which we were invited to, one was just days after she cancelled a session with us. The way she is acting is like an elephant hiding behind a lamp post but she denying things to her friends of 6 years and people are getting pissed off.

I am maybe blinded by my attraction and only see the good things, if she goes out with this guy after a work relationship already ending and being a serious problem and it ends the same way she will have no one in work who whats jack to do with her, I now she entitled to go out with whoever, but is this behavior acceptable, we have told her but she never listens. I don't stalk this girl, every thing I now I have heard almost first hand. Should I stay around some one like this?, unfortunately who we are attracted to never makes sense. When I heard she was with this guy, she had started getting pally with him days after her other thing ended I just thought this is BS, and don't want to subject myself to it anymore.

beks101

With all due respect, do you have a brain?

Read back over your last post and consider using your brain instead of that other organ in evaluating the value of obsessing over this woman and involving yourself in her life.

Who she goes out with is none of your business and given how poor her judgement is on that front and how much of a head wrecker she appears to be, your own misery is pretty much your own fault for trying to make it your business.

So what if you think she's hot. Are you 12 years old? Or are you capable of rational thought?

thegeist

I admit, I am an architect of my own misery in certain ways, but certain things conspired against me to bring me to this point, initially I attempted many times after breaking up with her to remove my self from her company, something I was made to feel was irrational, only to be guilt tripped in coming back by the group of friends i would also be ignoring. You have made a good point about being rational, but I definitely haven't applied it, or thought I had only to be made think otherwise, and that has made me feel better. I personally think this is going to end with a final resolve to cop on and just blank her even if I am blanking other people as well, something I should have stuck to originally, it's come back to bite me in the ass. I haven't by the way involved myself in her life, I was in a position to be nothing but involved unfortunately. I have serious regrets about not just cutting ties and having to battle through each day in work. I don't obsess, I am just tired of the situation, I know its none of my business who she goes out with, but I would rather not be around them even if it isn't, which I am entitled to do I think, thanks for the reply.