He only seems to like the baby!

MelanieC

I'll try to keep this short coz its a bit complicated. I have been with my partner for 6.5 years,have a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship and we have a 1 year old son.
My partner has never been a very emotional or affectionate person which i think stems from his family-they seem to be a bit cold and unfeeling wheras i come from a very relaxed and loving family. But lately he seems to have gotten even worse. He never touches me or kisses me (with anything more than an obligatory peck) anymore and when i ask him why,apart from getting really angry and defensive (communication would not be strong in his family either so its very hard to talk to him about anything serious without him taking it as a personal attack on him and losing the plot!) the best he can come up with is it never occurs to him! Like how insulting is that??!!
He also can be a bit nasty towards my daughter,giving out to her over the most silly trivial things and muttering things like "stupid ****ing kid" under his breath when she annoys him even though she wouldnt have actually done anything,hes just in a mood. God this all sounds terrible but hes not actually a bad person! He does love us and works hard in a stressful job to provide for all of us while i stay home with the kids. And money is a constant struggle for us. And he does tell me he loves me all the time,it just doesnt seem to translate physically.
Thing is hes besotted with the baby and so good with him,even affectionate so obviously he can do it. He naturally gives the baby kisses and cuddles all the time and cant understand when i say it should be the same with me. Hes always in good form with the baby,laughing and playing with him and then so grumpy and snappy with us all the time! Its like the baby is the only one in the house he likes and i dont know why coz neither me nor my daughter have done anything to deserve his disdain. I feel at the end of my tether with it all and so lonely in my own relationship.
Any advice welcome.

December2012

Well firstly, break down the relationships because they're all individual.


Of course he loves his baby and is affectionate towards him, a one year old is still entitled to unconditional love and affection and if he has always been this way with his child then he hasn't changed.

He sounds like he adores the baby, so that's good. Babies don't usually come with baggage, people do.

Your daughter - it's possible that the difference between a biological and non biological child is highlighted to him.

Most people claim to love kids, nieces, nephews, etc. but then you have your own and you realise you weren't actually in love with those kids the way you love your own.

12 year olds can be more work than baby's and it might be bothering him more if she's not giving him the unconditional love that his baby is. A step family relationship is unique and might need a bit of extra care navigating the hazards. There could also be a difference in parenting, that can happen too with full biological parenting.

You. You're jealous of your own baby. Why is that?

Your relationship with him is separate. And if he's not showing you affection yet never has then why do you expect different?

MelanieC

Omg,thats what he said,that Im jealous of the baby so maybe Im not expressing myself properly! Im not jealous of my baby,I think its lovely how he is with him. I just use it as an example of how that love and affection is natural to him and automatic,he doesnt have to think about it or remember to do it,he just does it coz he loves him so much. Yet he loves me too but displaying it to me doesnt come naturally to him,he has to make aconcentrated effort and then of course its blatantly insincere and forced which is worse! And he did used to be better which is why Im worried. I had only just accepted the 50% I was getting when its gone down to 0!
As for my daughter,what you say makes sense. I suppose hes in an awkward position really. I just really dont want her to feel second best or an outsider to our "real" family that we now have so I guess Im super-aware of her feelings all the time,maybe overly sometimes. Still,if hes treating her unfairly or like something he scraped off his shoe and I say nothing then what kind of mother am I? Its a pickle.

MelanieC

Anyone got any more ideas or advice coz things are still no better...?

thefeatheredcat

The only difference I can see between yourself and the baby is that he can generously give unconditional love and affection to the baby because it's not expected; the baby doesn't have the expectation of that behaviour, but you do. Perhaps, if he is questioned or being faced with the expectation of giving that affection to you, it is deterring him from giving it? He may see it that you're an adult and he can verbalise and communicate on a different cognitive level how he feels and that should be enough, but babies need it more in an affectionate way to understand that they are loved. Maybe from his point of view, he sees it that you and your daughter are hard work and demanding stuff, whereas the baby really isn't looking for anything?

I think you should worry less about your daughter feeling excluded from the family. Drawing attention to it even just to be watchful or protective that she doesn't feel like that could make her question it or perceive herself differently in comparison to her brother.

As for your partner and your daughter.... she's a female 12 year old... they could be chalk and cheese in terms of just how much of an interest she is to him as a human and vice versa; he could see it she's a 12 year old girl that's into girlie teen stuff that is no interest to him, (and that to her that your partner is some boring old guy who doesn't know who for example, that singer is off that band all the girls her age talk about and is a dinosaur like a laptop/phone from 2001) and that at that age she would probably be pushing boundaries as she's turning into a teenager. Are there any common activities or interests? Have they an interest or activity that could be a platform for a more positive interaction that they can bond over?

On the general attitude towards you and your daughter.... if he is taking out his negative feelings out on you, either one of you or both, that has to stopped. It's not healthy for anyone, especially on anyone's self esteem to be on the brunt of that, or even for himself if he should feel remorseful or guilty about it. He needs to find more constructive ways of ridding himself of his anger / stress so that it is not directed at either of ye.

strobe

MelanieC wrote: »

Anyone got any more ideas or advice coz things are still no better...?

How's the sex? Some women sort of go off,or don't make as much of an effort with, sex, somewhat in the year (or more)) after the birth of a child. Has this been the case with you?
All the touchy feely affection comes a lot more freely and naturally with a lot of men with a woman they are having regular sex with, and not so much with one they are not with.
It's not a deliberate thing, it's just how we're wired up.
Sex has all kinds of biological effects which bring out and strengthen the emotional affection and bond in people.
Lack of it can also mean a lot more general stress for a man, which obviously will affect general mood.

Are you making the effort with sex, and not just being available, but in terms of actively seducing him?

Maybe I'm way off with the sex thing, but it's something to consider.

Also from the way you write it sounds like you wait around for affection, wait around for him to give you the obligatory peck on the cheek. That's just the natural way a lot of women feel about things ,that it should be the man who instigates these things. But perhaps you should take the lead more. Take the initiative and give him a hug for no reason, kiss him on the lips when you see him first thing after work or in the morning or whatever. Tell him you love him and how much he means to you, without it only being a reciprocal things when he does something like that first. Lead with affection, on a continuing basis, and he may well respond in kind and even begin to take the lead, and feel like taking the lead with these things, too.

I obviously realise I'm making quite a few presumptions here, but just throwing the advice out there in case it does apply.

MelanieC

Thanks for the replies guys,some valid points in there definitely. The worst thing is he clams up and you cant talk to him about anything.he hasnt said more than civilities to me in 5 days now! Hes the most non-communicative person i've ever met. Thats thanks to his non-feeling family messing him up but hes so in awe of them that if i dared suggest that there'd be holy war altogether.

Strobe, sex has been non-existent for the last 8 months or so due to a problem i developed with my back,im currently awaiting surgery but public health service.....ye know yourselves. I know thats a long time to go without but i dont think it even bothers him really coz hes not what you would call a sexual person as it is (we've had arguments in the past because i've wanted to do it more often than does him(about once every 3weeks wheras i would like every 3days!) He always says hes too tired/too stressed for anymore than that like making love to me is such a chore.

Actually my backpain isnt as bad now as it was at the start,id b ok,but hes kinda taken that excuse and run with it till after my surgery. I was hoping that deprived of it to this extent would make him gagging for it but no,he doesnt seem bothered. And theres really no excuse for no kisses&cuddles,they wouldnt hurt my back at all!

He thinks im ridiculous & that "french kissing" is for teenagers but i think its for lovers. Other couples dont stop snogging once they've been together a while,do they?

Sleepy

TBH, I'd find it weird for a couple who were together for a long time to be french kissing without in being part of foreplay or an extended build up to sex... That's just me though, it might be utterly normal for others.

ShaShaBear

Sleepy wrote: »

TBH, I'd find it weird for a couple who were together for a long time to be french kissing without in being part of foreplay or an extended build up to sex... That's just me though, it might be utterly normal for others.

Myself and my OH do engage in a bit of snogging quite regularly, because we both find it oddly intimate. Now, it always leads to something else after about 3 minutes, but that's not the point :rolleyes:

OP I think you might just need to sit him down and tell him that there is something really wrong, and this is what it is. Pussyfooting around him isn't going to get him to come out with it first, and he isn't a mind reader!

MelanieC

I have told him-time & time again! I know hes not a mindreader so I've been as clear as i can,no pussyfooting believe me. But like i say he just gets angry & defensive like "oh well sorry I'm such a terrible boyfriend,hope you find this dream man you're looking for....." etc etc and then wont discuss it any further. So how the hell do I get past that??!!

If he refuses to engage in conversation, won't go to counselling with you, you have one option remaining.

December2012

Well, you are trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do.

Do you accept this about him or not?