Dealing with a difficult mother

LegacyUser

There's been a number of threads on a similar issue recently, so it's good to know I'm not alone in this. Basically, my mother has become very difficult and overwhelmingly negative in the last few years. If she's not telling me stories of people dying in horrific ways, she's telling me about all the people who can't get jobs. Her stories are supposed to be because she cares about me, but really just serve the purpose of upsetting me. If I try to explain to her how I feel, she goes into victim mode and gets upset, refusing to listen to a word I said. It's impossible to reason with her because she's utterly convinced that she's always right and is only acting in my best interests.

Currently, I'm finishing up a Masters and planning to emigrate at the beginning of next year. I'd go sooner, but I can't because of entry being closed for 2013. So I've got a few months where I need to find a job here. There are jobs in my field available, but like every other field, they're scarce and competitive. I feel positive about getting one eventually though, that will tide me over until I emigrate. But my mum now keeps telling me how I'll NEVER get a job, and how I'll just sit on the dole, and how I should just apply for a job in a call centre because I won't get anything better.

Her desire to control my every move, coupled with her negativity and refusal to listen to me, have completely eroded my relationship with her. It feels awful to say, but if I emigrated tomorrow and didn't see her for a few years, I'd be fine with that. I dread even having a conversation with her now. I already don't let her in to most things - if I have academic problems/ relationship problems/ financial problems, she's the last person I'd go to now.

Basically, I need to know how to adjust my own behaviours to deal with her. She's not going to change, so if I'm to keep her in my life, I need to learn to manage her better. Can anyone advise me on how to do this? Change the subject when she gets negative? Limit my exposure to her? Only discuss superficial things? I'm really at a loss, and I'm quite distressed about it all.

anucksunamun

Hello, I have been through the mill with my own mother, I went to see a therapist at the beginning of this year, and essentially the thing that has helped me most is writing down all the memories I have in regard to my mother, and how I felt about it. My therapist says by writing it down it brings it to our logical mind. I genuinely find it much easier to deal with as a logical problem. I can detach my own hurt/feelings from it. It sounds so simple, but it helps so much.

This may help you, writing how you feel. But also seeing someone who is not emotionally invested or involved can help so much. They can help you hone the tools to deal with her. But also I am a different person than I was at the beginning of the year, I am much calmer, and able to deal with not only my mother, but also anxiety in general. I wholeheartedly recommend it if you want to have any kind of relationship with this woman. Because I've been where you are hun, and I commiserate with the emotional rollercoaster you're currently on. Good luck with it. Take Care.