Feelings for someone whom I can't tell. How to cope with emotions

LegacyUser

Hi people.
Firstly sorry if my writing is a bit messy.

I'm looking for some advice on how to cope with this situation.
I find myself having strong feelings for someone I work with and see everyday. But this girl is in a relationship so I can't tell her.
It's hard to try and not think about her, but she is on my mind everyday and it's causing me quite alot of stress and anxiety.
We get along very well and I do enjoy her company. Then I thought maybe if I distance myself from her (not be so talkative with her) that it would it would get easier but that made it worse and I found myself talking more to her afterwards.
What made it hard for me was that we used to flirt and she even said (jokingly, in my presence) to a colleague that if she wasnt in a relationship she would go with me. The way she makes eye contact and smiles randomly with me makes me think there is something there.

However, I would and never will tell her how I feel as long as she is in a relationship. But having to bottle things up like this is really causing me stress....its like my chest and stomach muscles are being tightened.
Hopefully a few more months and she will be out of the place, but until then is there anything I can do to ease these emotions?

Many thanks

blatantrereg

Your writing is very good. You even use the term 'whom' correctly.

It sounds like she is teasing you pretty severely.

She is giving strong signals to you anyway. You are not doing anything wrong by responding to them. She's the one in a relationship, not you.

The expression 'sh!t or get off the pot' might be apt here. Either dismiss her as a tease or take a direct approach with her. Ask her how she feels about her relationship. Say someone who was happily committed wouldn't mention they'd go out with someone else etc. If she doesn't express commitment, say she could just end it, and that you'd love to take her out sometime if she did etc.

If you do that bear in mind she might respond negatively, but that you're pretty much calling her on being a tease if she does. Proceed with caution anyway. Also bear in mind that she is someone who flirts with other people while she's in a relationship, so question whether that makes her someone you'd actually like a relationship with anyway.

Personally I'd just dismiss her as a tease.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply.

I dont think it is malicious teasing, but more banter, as she is a kind hearted person as far as I can see.

As for saying to her that she could end it and I would take her out..I could never say that to her as I would consider that as still cheating if I put it out there.....although it would be such a relief if I did just tell her.
Even just writing it down as a post helped me, as I havent talked to anyone about it.

LegacyUser

It is good to see that you are not trying to have a fling with this girl even though she is in a relationship. I am glad that there are some honorable people still left in the world. Everyone around me seems to be having affairs.

LegacyUser

I know the feeling mate, its not nice. Just have to ride it out until you loose interest or meet someone else, will be hard because you work with her. Feel for ye man.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback. I guess its just one of many of lifes tests. Its not going to kill me anyway.

kat.mac

Hey, I've been there, although not with someone that I work with or had to spend a lot of time with. I just admitted the feelings to myself, accepted that they were there but that it wasn't going to happen. It's not a miracle cure but I used to just say to myself, "It's fine, I'll ride it out, this won't last forever."

It worked for me. It is a challenge but definitely not an insurmountable one.


As an aside, I think it's entirely possible that the girl is not being a tease intentionally. I know you say that "the way she makes eye contact and smiles randomly" means a lot to you, and her comment about going with you if she wasn't in a relationship meant a lot to you - but this could genuinely be just her way of expressing that she thinks you're a great lad and enjoys being friends with you. I might be wrong, of course, but I really do think it's possible she does not realise the significance of these little things and she's merely being expressive and effusive and open. For a moment, think about a different scenario: imagine if she simply made eye contact and smiled at another guy ye worked with, who doesn't have feelings for her but just gets on really well with her - it would be entirely insignificant, right? Perhaps by saying that she would go out with you if she wasn't with someone else was simply her way of saying that you're a catch. Again, this would be absolutely trivial to someone who didn't have feelings for her. I'm open to correction, of course, but it might be worth thinking about, OP. Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Kat.mac, you may be right. I had thought of that before but I guess I wanted to otherwise.
But what you wrote made sense to me when I read it.
Plus I have since had a conversation with her in which I found out that the signs I was reading were misunderstood, and that the things she said were just banter, or trying to boost my confidence (in a way)

So I'm already more relaxed about things. I managed to find out the truth without making a fool of myself by opening up.

Thanks for listening everyone.