Cant get someone out of my head

LegacyUser

I've been monumentally unsuccessful in love and romance. I'm a male in my mid twenties and a bit of a loner. I haven't had a fraction of the experience most guys my age has. All of my attempts I've made to pursue someone I'm interested has brought me embarrassment and pain so I'm not looking now, I haven't been looking for anyone since this year and I don't plan on changing this stance in the foreseeable future.

However, there is someone from my past that I just can't seem to get over. She's definitely not like most girls I know. In lots of ways she's my perfect woman. In lots of other ways, she's far from it. We were close friends in college when she was seeing a housemate and we all went out separate ways. We lost touch and she split with my friend and went travelling and she's back and so on but she's always been unavailable. This has never stopped me having this major crush on her. From time to time I'll bump into her out only maybe once every three or four months and my hands will tremble, I'll blush and my heart will race. I'll often find myself thinking about her particularly when I'm feeling a bit depressed and lonely- which I am at the moment.

Honestly, even if I had the chance to take her out, I'd turn it down. She's just too high maintenance. I just want her the hell out of my head. She's seeing someone new. I'm besotted with the tender thoughtful girl she is on her best days and I fantasise about her being that way for me always but for many MANY reasons, it will never be. This makes no sense to me. I don't fall for girls often and I don't usually let it go on for long periods of time. I just want to be happily celibate again.

Merkin

I think the fact that she now has a new boyfriend should help you get over this. If she is seeing someone new then it would be wrong to approach her and ask her out. If however this fledgling romance does not work out I then think you absolutely need to ask the girl out. For nothing else other than closure for yourself. She may even say yes! If she says no at least then you will have stepped out of your comfort zone and stop fixating on something that won't happen. I do think it is good sometimes to take stock and decide not to get involved with people and have time out but don't do it for the sole purpose of avoiding hurt, that decision would then make for a very sad bedfellow my dear, you should always leave your heart open to love!

silentrust

adinfinitum123 wrote: »

I've been monumentally unsuccessful in love and romance. I'm a male in my mid twenties and a bit of a loner. I haven't had a fraction of the experience most guys my age has. All of my attempts I've made to pursue someone I'm interested has brought me embarrassment and pain so I'm not looking now, I haven't been looking for anyone since this year and I don't plan on changing this stance in the foreseeable future.

However, there is someone from my past that I just can't seem to get over. She's definitely not like most girls I know. In lots of ways she's my perfect woman. In lots of other ways, she's far from it. We were close friends in college when she was seeing a housemate and we all went out separate ways. We lost touch and she split with my friend and went travelling and she's back and so on but she's always been unavailable. This has never stopped me having this major crush on her. From time to time I'll bump into her out only maybe once every three or four months and my hands will tremble, I'll blush and my heart will race. I'll often find myself thinking about her particularly when I'm feeling a bit depressed and lonely- which I am at the moment.

Honestly, even if I had the chance to take her out, I'd turn it down. She's just too high maintenance. I just want her the hell out of my head. She's seeing someone new. I'm besotted with the tender thoughtful girl she is on her best days and I fantasise about her being that way for me always but for many MANY reasons, it will never be. This makes no sense to me. I don't fall for girls often and I don't usually let it go on for long periods of time. I just want to be happily celibate again.

I feel your pain buddy! We always want what we can't have don't we?

Probably the best advice to give has already been done by Merkin but I would add to that and ask you do you really want to be the rebound guy even if she does run to you after it doesn't work out with him?

Believe it or not there are girls out there who can make you as happy as she does , who won't waste your time and will make their interest in you clear off the bat.

You've decided not to make having a relationship the focus of your life which is great. Suggest you take more interests in your hobbies and join groups of people with similar tastes - don't try to go "on the hunt" as you'll meet the wrong sort of girls by and large by hanging around bar flies in clubs who will only be interested in how many drinks you're buying them.

blatantrereg

Pain and embarrassment are not things you need to risk as a result of approaching women. The former is a risk if you invest emotion into a relationship, which is why it's a good idea to do so with caution. The latter is not something you should ever feel at risk of really.

I would infer that you tend to invest too much emotion into women very early on, probably before you actually establish a relationship at all with them, which results in pain. I would also infer that you tend to expose yourself too much when you approach women, which results in embarrassment.

You have a biological need for intimacy. Denying yourself that is probably what results in you fixating a bit on a girl who you are aware is not an ideal match. If you have had poor success with women I would suggest that you would be better off practicing approaching them, instead of doing the opposite and deciding not to do so at all. Instead of investing emotion into doing so, just treat it like developing a skill.

There really is no need to expose yourself to embarrassment, and that should never occur really, unless possibly someone is actively trying to cause it. It's not unheard of for people to try to embarrass others, but identifying that sort of thing is just one other thing that you should treat as something useful to learn.

The trick is not to get ahead of yourself really. There is a natural sequence of things which goes roughly like this: Eye contact, smile, talk, touch, kiss, sex. Different people require different levels of emotional investment to enjoy the last item in that list. However anyone should be able to enjoy everything before that without taking anything too seriously. But the main point I wanted to make is that you shouldn't find yourself embarrassed if you don't skip things in that sequence. It's usually easy enough to tell at each stage if someone is open to progressing further. If someone flinches or moves away when you touch them they don't want you to kiss them for example; if they respond positively then they probably do. If someone's body language is closed then they probably don't want to be touched. If it's open and directed towards you then possibly they do. It's easy to read people if you pay attention to the right things. [And that's speaking as someone with an impaired natural ability to read expressions and social cues.]

Oceanic Nebula

adinfinitum123 wrote: »

I've been monumentally unsuccessful in love and romance. I'm a male in my mid twenties and a bit of a loner. I haven't had a fraction of the experience most guys my age has. All of my attempts I've made to pursue someone I'm interested has brought me embarrassment and pain so I'm not looking now, I haven't been looking for anyone since this year and I don't plan on changing this stance in the foreseeable future.

However, there is someone from my past that I just can't seem to get over. She's definitely not like most girls I know. In lots of ways she's my perfect woman. In lots of other ways, she's far from it. We were close friends in college when she was seeing a housemate and we all went out separate ways. We lost touch and she split with my friend and went travelling and she's back and so on but she's always been unavailable. This has never stopped me having this major crush on her. From time to time I'll bump into her out only maybe once every three or four months and my hands will tremble, I'll blush and my heart will race. I'll often find myself thinking about her particularly when I'm feeling a bit depressed and lonely- which I am at the moment.

Honestly, even if I had the chance to take her out, I'd turn it down. She's just too high maintenance. I just want her the hell out of my head. She's seeing someone new. I'm besotted with the tender thoughtful girl she is on her best days and I fantasise about her being that way for me always but for many MANY reasons, it will never be. This makes no sense to me. I don't fall for girls often and I don't usually let it go on for long periods of time. I just want to be happily celibate again.

At this stage of your development you need to forget about finding one girl, you should develop your ability to attract all women. When you do this it reduces the chances you will be needy and unatteactive once you do find one to settle down with. Go out and learn to flirt and attract women, it's a skillset which can be learned. You also should be widening your circle of friends, get hobbies and find your passions in life. These things should be more important than fiinding a woman.

Gin77

You conifidence may be a little low so then its harder to find your mojo.
So what I would do is chat up girls that are less attractive in your opinion and slowly build your confidence. Lets face it we've all done it at some stage.

silentrust

Gin77 wrote: »

You conifidence may be a little low so then its harder to find your mojo.
So what I would do is chat up girls that are less attractive in your opinion and slowly build your confidence. Lets face it we've all done it at some stage.

Ah yes, the ancient art of "moosing". Go for it my son :-D

DonQuigleone

One thing I would bear in mind, is that you're probably not actually in love with this girl. What you are in love with is an ideal within your head, and you have attached her appearance to this ideal.

When you're in love with someone(particularly early on, or when you're inexperienced) I think you tend to be in love with what you want them to be, and not what they are.

What I think you should aim for is to be in love with a real person, warts and all, and not a figment of your imagination.

This is something I've had to work on, so I can sympathise with you.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks everyone. I have a lot to think about there. I want there to be a day when she is just another acquaintance. I have no idea why I have fixated on her but I'm rational enough to know why it wouldn't work. I'm hoping this knowledge will help me get through this.