Should I move out don't get on with mother?

LegacyUser

I'm 20 and I'm an only child I live with my mother.
We are the complete opposite she likes to be in control and is quite dependent on me.
We talk a bit but we always have disagreements about most things so I usually just agree to disagree. She just takes things the littlest things very seriously and makes it into something big.
Like I forgot to wash the dishes and intended to do it the next morning , she woke up before I was up she left me a note saying how I should think about moving out. Today she texted me about 7 I didn't see the text and I went downstairs and she's in a bad mood and calling me selfish because I didn't see the text . Then she said you should think about moving out in September And I do help her out a lot dishes , cleaning etc.. then when something small occurs I always get “stop being selfish” or “you never do anything” this has gone on for a long while. I'm just sick of her constantly getting annoyed over the smallest things and then critising me . I don't like criticism unless it's constructive . She always does this thing where she plays victim saying how I don't care about her , I wouldn't care if she wasn't here or you prefer my sister to me you wish you were her daughter. Or if I didn't want to do something because I'm busy she may say you don't want be seen with me. I don't spend all the time in the house either I go to the gym a few times a week . I know she does take her anger or anything out on me but I'm sick of it there's only so much I can take.
Should I move out? I am independent , it's got to the point where I actually want to move out the only problem is the money. I do have savings from a accident ages ago and I'm in college so I get the grant. The only reason stayed living with my mother is because it saves me money. I'd rather not have this stress. So I could probably manage moving out just won't be saving as much money.

yes you should move out.

go and pay your own way, leave your dishes until morning in your house if you want to.

you live in your mother's house, by your own admission 'to save money' that does come across as selfish.

so, yea, you should move out.

LegacyUser

bubblypop wrote: »

yes you should move out.

go and pay your own way, leave your dishes until morning in your house if you want to.

you live in your mother's house, by your own admission 'to save money' that does come across as selfish.

so, yea, you should move out.

I don't mind about the dishes thing I mean it's only because I forgot that night.

I don't only live there to save money there are other reasons like because I'm an only child she might be lost without me or something because she's so used to me there or might feel lonely and I do help her out a bit.

fillefatale

I think you've answered your own question OP. It'd probably be better for the both of you, if you moved out.

Taltos

OP - look at your posts again.

You are doing your best to validate you staying with your mum - despite her telling you at least twice (2 times now) to move out.

Really she cannot make it any clearer. As stressful as it is to live with her, how do you think she if feeling living with you? Maybe some peace and quiet would be ideal for her.
Living there to save money - well that's great for you - but shows no consideration of her, irrespective of how you now validate it.

she woke up before I was up she left me a note saying how I should think about moving out....
Then she said you should think about moving out in September

Stavro Mueller

It also might improve your relationship with her if you're not living under the same roof. You can still visit her/stay in touch if that's what you want. At least now you'll have somewhere else to go to.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP - look at your posts again.

You are doing your best to validate you staying with your mum - despite her telling you at least twice (2 times now) to move out.

Really she cannot make it any clearer. As stressful as it is to live with her, how do you think she if feeling living with you? Maybe some peace and quiet would be ideal for her.
Living there to save money - well that's great for you - but shows no consideration of her, irrespective of how you now validate it.

She always says the moving out thing she's been saying it for ages but doesn't do anything it's more of a threaten when she says it but I don't think actually means it. I'm not just there to save money also because she hasn't got anyone else and she might feel lonely as I don't think she'd actually want me to leave even though she threatens she doesn't mean it.
I'm just not sure who I'd move in with I have been thinking about the moving out thing.
I was going to wait until I got a job .

Big Bag of Chips

If you can afford to, you should. Of course you won't have as much savings or disposable income. That's the difference between being an adult and a child! Most independent adults don't have lots of spare disposable cash or a big chunk of savings. Especially starting off in life as it can be expensive, deposits, rent up front etc.

But you have to weigh up is your sanity or your savings more important.

I know you are worried about your mam, saying she depends on you, and has no one else. Maybe you moving out would be great for her. It could be the push she needs to get out and meet other people, do other things.

I'm assuming she is still fairly young, with a lot of her life ahead of her. I think the situation you are in is holding you both back. Neither of you are happy, and maybe moving out could be the change you both need to make your relationship bearable.

GalwayGuy2

She always says the moving out thing she's been saying it for ages but doesn't do anything it's more of a threaten when she says it but I don't think actually means it. I'm not just there to save money also because she hasn't got anyone else and she might feel lonely as I don't think she'd actually want me to leave even though she threatens she doesn't mean it.
I'm just not sure who I'd move in with I have been thinking about the moving out thing.
I was going to wait until I got a job .

You could talk to her about it?

tinkerbell

Yes OP,you should move out. Clearly you don't appreciate your mother putting you up. I doubt she told you to move out just because you "forgot" to do the dishes one night. This has probably been building up because of a number of things.

First of all, you don't just "forget" to do the dishes. If your mother requests you do the dishes, do them. She shouldn't even need to ask you to do it, you living there is saving you money, the dishes is the least you could do. Many people hate going to bed with the kitchen in a mess and then have to face cleaning the kitchen the next morning - it is a big deal, maybe not to you, but to your mother. Grow up and act like an adult. I don't see how you just forgot, presumably you saw the dishes in the kitchen but just didn't bother. If you want to leave the dishes til the next day, then do so when you're living by yourself.

Secondly, you should move out since you sound like you can afford it. If you can't, then you need to talk to your mother and she can lay out the ground rules of what is expected from you regarding chores, cooking, etc while living there.

Stavro Mueller

star223 wrote: »

She always says the moving out thing she's been saying it for ages but doesn't do anything it's more of a threaten when she says it but I don't think actually means it. I'm not just there to save money also because she hasn't got anyone else and she might feel lonely as I don't think she'd actually want me to leave even though she threatens she doesn't mean it.
I'm just not sure who I'd move in with I have been thinking about the moving out thing.
I was going to wait until I got a job .

So what would change when you got a job? Would the issue of your mum's loneliness magically evaporate at that stage?

Look, maybe you should take your mum at her word and move out. You can do so and she has asked. It's not as if you're going to vanish into the ether the moment you move out - you can still visit her and stay in touch if that's what you want.

It's obvious that the two of you aren't pulling together too well under the one roof and she has asked you to move out. I accept that she is a bit of a drama queen but that thought didn't just come from nowhere. There is at least a part of her that doesn't want you living with her any more.

As for somewhere to live, you're not the first person who has had nobody to live with when they needed a place to stay. Start looking at ads on Daft now and go around visit a few places. Go with your gut instinct and see if you like the houses/apartments and the people in them. Sharing with strangers doesn't have to be all bad.

Emme

star223 wrote: »

She always says the moving out thing she's been saying it for ages but doesn't do anything it's more of a threaten when she says it but I don't think actually means it.

She asked you to move out twice so move out. Take her at her word regardless of whether she means it or not.

star223 wrote: »

I'm not just there to save money also because she hasn't got anyone else and she might feel lonely as I don't think she'd actually want me to leave even though she threatens she doesn't mean it.

Move out. Why should you stay there and suffer her moods and abuse just to stop her from feeling lonely?

You need to move out for your own sake because her abuse will destroy you. It would also help her - it's not good for her to be dependent on you. You have your own life to live.

star223 wrote: »

I'm just not sure who I'd move in with I have been thinking about the moving out thing.

daft.ie have lots of houseshares. If you can't afford an apartment on your own a houseshare might suit you but you would have to do your bit towards keeping the house tidy. Is there anyone in your family (you mentioned your mother's sister) who would help you find a place of your own?

star223 wrote: »

I was going to wait until I got a job .

Don't use this as an excuse. Move out now and then start looking for a job. You need to move out so you can get your head together and stop living under your mother's thumb.

LegacyUser

It's just my mother is one of those people who find it hard to get along with anyone.
She can get into arguments easily , she's the sort of person that is always right and never wrong. So it's always been hard communicating her . And as we always end up in an arguments I hate arguments and avoid.
There have been other times like we were going somewhere I knew where the place was and she didn't and I'd been there before and she wouldn't listen to me that I knew where we were going and demanded I show where and we were in the middle of Liverpool St. in London I was like I can't show you here I know where the place is why can't you just listen to me for once. It took so much persuading eventually she listened after I walked off because she wasn't listening .
She always compares me to everyone. Something may have happened she'll tell people about it but she'll twist it around and I end up seeming like the bad person.
She's always telling to me to go and do this when I know it isn't possible and she doesn't listen.
I remember I was at my aunties house once she was telling me to go to some job that you'd need to have a degree or be in the final year and she got annoyed only until my uncle stepped in and told her she listened.

I didn't see a text yesterday her asking me to do something she sent it at 7 got back at 7.30 I didn't see the text so I hadn't done it and she was just in a bad mood. I mean I just didn't see the text and she started calling me selfish.

I do tell her if she wants me to do something to tell me because I can be oblivious to things sometimes but if I know she wants it done I will do it and because she likes things done a specific way.

I have thought about maybe living with my nan because I know she'll appreciate me being there and she'd genuinely like the company. I get on with her well , my mum doesn't get along with her as much. I'd pay for
Or I could try and live with other students or just people older I'm just not sure whats the best thing to do?I'd rather be around people my age or only slightly older.

LegacyUser

Also about the living with others possibly around my age .
In a way I would prefer that because I kind of want space away from my mum. And if I was at my nan I'd see her quite a bit. I just really want a break away from her.
But I wouldn't mind living with my nan. I just don't want to be where I will see my mum a lot. I will still see her but I just want time away from her if you know what I mean.

Emme

star223 wrote: »

I have thought about maybe living with my nan because I know she'll appreciate me being there and she'd genuinely like the company. I get on with her well , my mum doesn't get along with her as much.

Or I could try and live with other students or just people older I'm just not sure whats the best thing to do?I'd rather be around people my age or only slightly older.

My advice - move out and don't live with family. You might get on well with your nan now but she might not be willing to come between you and your mother. She might be happy for you to visit but not to live with her.

Go to daft and start looking at shared accommodation. Don't make the age of the people in the house an issue, just look for a place you like and where you get on with the people regardless of age. You would probably be looking to share with other students so they would be in and around the same age as you.

It's probably best you don't see much of your mum for a bit because it might upset you. Once a week or even once a fortnight would be fine.

You should read a good book on co-dependence - there's one called "Co-dependent no more".

http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025

The language of letting go might also be useful:

http://www.amazon.com/Language-Letting-Journal-Meditation-Reflection/dp/1568389841/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369997581&sr=1-3&keywords=the+language+of+letting+go


Take responsibility for your life and move out.

Taltos

OP - not sure how to say this without being harsh or judgemental.

1. Move out.
2. Don't move in with your nan
3. Don't move in with a relative.
4. Don't move in with a friend.
5. Use the resources above.
6. Stop making excuses - you have given too many to list but here is a sample
> mum would be lonely
> I need to save money
> my nan would appreciate the company

I know it is scary, but living on your own or part of a house-share will be the making of you. However, don't go into it thinking you are about to make loads of new friends if you houseshare - these are your co-tenants and may have high expectations on you as a co-tenant, e.g. you will always clean up after yourself, you will not eat their food, you will pay your part in bills, you will respect their privacy.

Your mum will be fine, and actually not living in her pocket might help your relationship, it will also free you into having your own life and developing relationships outside of her watchful eye. The more you write on that relationship the more I am convinced you need to get away - for both your sakes.

Stavro Mueller

The more I read your post the more I think you're afraid of taking that step into the unknown. What excuse is next,? Nobody to feed the cat?

One of the joys of house sharing is that if you don't like the people with, you can move.

Merkin

star223 wrote: »

She always says the moving out thing she's been saying it for ages but doesn't do anything it's more of a threaten when she says it but I don't think actually means it.

As it is her house I would take her at her word. And I'm not sure what exactly you mean when you say "she doesn't do anything" - it is you after all who has to be proactive in this situation.

I also think at 20 it is high time you moved out and stood on your own two (adult sized) feet. Talk of moving in with your Nan is really only going to paper over the cracks. The fundamental issue is that you need to fly the nest as you are a young adult and you need to take some responsibility for yourself. Being in a house share is a right of passage as far as I'm concerned and your relationship with your Mother will improve on foot of that move.

LegacyUser

I mean I am pretty much independent I'm one of these people that try not to be dependent on people I've been away for a week or two and not got homesick or anything.
I am quite mature for my age so I'd be able to move out and I have wanted to for a while.
I do actually get one with nearly everyone I'm not one to get into arguments .
I'm not if possibly my mum has other things on her mind which is why she wants to move out she only said today that she's not receiving money towards me anymore that she has to go on the dole. That could be part of her issues.
I don't but she's always telling me to move out but she says it as a threat and then leaves it and then brings it up again. A few of my friends says their mum does the same.
So I can't tell if she means it or she's using it as a threat and then when I do move she won't have actually wanted me to move.
It probably would be good for me to move out to save the stress maybe it's hindered my personality somewhat already like I'm quiet can be really confident , relaxed , easy going , calm in most situations, talkative , funny, not argumentative. Then at home I'm just quiet , more guarded about what I say , private , and feel like I need to be argue at times which isn't really me so it always stresses me out.


What do I do about money how do I work out whats a good price to be paying weekly or monthly? I do have quite a bit but I don't want it all gone too fast so maybe between 2,000 2,500 a year broken into weekly or monthly. On top of food and that. I do get the grant every month. Does it change if I'm not living at home? or it won't matter the letters will just go to where I currently live?
I'm not sure what area to live in some ways it's be good to be near town for college to save bus fare but then my gym is further out and I go there regularly plus where I work is maybe 15/20mins from town. I always walk to the gym from where I am currently about 20mins. I'm just sorting out the theory test and trying to learn how to drive as well at the moment.

LegacyUser

I did find a place which would be very handy for me on studentvillage. Would you say I should try this or find elsewhere.
Only it cost €4,720 for the two semesters. But I'd get to live with other students plus the gym I go to is there and it's not too far from where I work. I would have enough to pay for that. I just need to get the deposit asap.

Merkin

star223 wrote: »

I did find a place which would be very handy for me on studentvillage. Would you say I should try this or find elsewhere.
Only it cost €4,720 for the two semesters. But I'd get to live with other students plus the gym I go to is there and it's not too far from where I work. I would have enough to pay for that. I just need to get the deposit asap.

That seems exorbitant!

LegacyUser

Yeah it is quite a lot and it's only for semester 1 and semester 2 so I'd have to go home in between that time. And I'm not exactly too far from home so it'd be odd. Should I try and find somewhere else? I just really wanna be around people of a similar age was thinking possibly that would be a good way to meet people for the next year.

Stavro Mueller

Let's work on the basis that your mum's wish for you to move out is genuine. Even if some of it is only hot air, you have described enough of the situation here to make people recommend that you move out anyway. That being the case, you need to find yourself somewhere more permanent to live than student accommodation. In your case that probably will mean a house share unless your budget can stretch to a one bedroomed apartment or something similar.

Then you should look at locations that are suited to your job, the gym etc. Personally, I don't think you should get too hung up on the age of who you share with. It probably will happen that you'll end up with people your own age anyway. The most important thing is that you move in with people that you can get along with. Contrary to what you might think, people in house shares don't live in each other's pockets. Don't rely on house shares as a way to make friends. It can work out that way of course but don't assume that it'll be like an episode of Friends.

ivytwine

Is there not off-campus accomodation near the college? Seriously OP, I know you have a bit of money saved up but if you're planning on learning to drive as well it'll be gone in no time with such expensive accomodation. What about your college friends, do they live at home, commute whatever?

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

ivytwine wrote: »

Is there not off-campus accomodation near the college? Seriously OP, I know you have a bit of money saved up but if you're planning on learning to drive as well it'll be gone in no time with such expensive accomodation. What about your college friends, do they live at home, commute whatever?

Yeah everyone commutes my college is right in the city centre , they all live at home.
There is accommodation in college but it is literally right inside college and my college is already small. It costs more than the other. I don't want to live that close plus my gym is too far away from that. I kind of want to stay in the Dublin 9 area . How do I workout a good weekly/monthly rent to be paying? or whats the average rent most would pay?

LegacyUser

FizzleSticks wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

I should probably think of some sort of budget of how much I spend on average. I don't know whether to live in the city centre near college or stay near the gym and as I usually see a trainer there every few weeks. I don't know which is the best to do. The membership isn't up until February. Were most that you ended up sharing with around your age? or older? Like I do get on with older people anyway. I've looked at a few places some placed say owner occupied I don't know if it's best for the owner to be living there or not there.
Is there anything you need when you apply or go to see them? or just the money?
I don't know whens the best time to move out maybe around August/September? probably more students would be moving in around then. What site did you use to find your houseshares? was it just the daft.ie ?

Stavro Mueller

My house sharing days are behind me but when I did, it tended to be either the local paper, daft.ie or word of mouth. I guess you could throw college notice boards into that mix too. There is an Accommodation and Property forum here on boards which might be of use to you. There's a sticky that gives you good information about renting. There's also a third level sub forum that might be of use to you.

As for the other questions you as, it really does depend on the people involved. Some people would never share with an owner occupier but others have done so and never had any problems at all. It's all down to the personality of the person who owns the house. On the housemate age question, how long is a piece of string? Generally speaking, most people who share houses are in their twenties - the logic being that by the time they're gone into their late twenties and into their thirties they've formed relationships. The one thing I'd never do again is share with a couple though. It ruins the dynamic of a house share in my opinion.

Really though, the only way you can answer the questions you ask is to start house hunting now. Go visit a few places and get a feel for them. Go with your gut and see if you like the people you'll be sharing with.

LegacyUser

I have gave this moving out thing more thought I've decided maybe city centre living would be better since it will be near everything . All I'll need is bus fare for the work and gym a few times a week and as it's free after you've paid the membership it's not too bad. And since I'm not driving yet this city centre living could be the best option.
I don't think I'll be able to move until at least Mid July to August need to sort out the funds.
I'm still browsing the daft website.
I don't really mind too much about who I live with like mixed ages would be quite good and I do get on with people older than me and I can have a conversation easily enough. I wouldn't be the type of girl to party every single weekend either I do enjoy it occasionally.

And the more I think about it I have always wanted to move out I just haven't been proactive about making it happen.

Neyite

OP, since your original issue seems to be resolved, I'll close this thread to stop it descending into a general discussion, which is outside the purpose of PI.

I would suggest that you look at the Accommodation and Property forum for some very useful information that you will find valuable when choosing a place to rent.