In a dreadful dilemma

smileygirlme

I need some decent advice please.

I am 42 yrs old married with 3 kids 19,17,15.and have been married for nearly 20 years.My husband was my first and proper love and we got married pretty much straight away.
During that time I have worked full time studied ran a home with little help from my husband.I did everything in the house on my own basically.My fault I know..but he was rarely at home.
Last year while on a bus trip to the UK I met a man who is in the process of a divorce and have fallen for him big time.We meet up when he flies into Irland and have a wonderful time.My husband drank a lot during our marriage and was aggressive towards me when he was drunk.
My marriage has really gone downhill and we are both attending marriage counselling.In my heart of hearts I want to be with this man.He wants me to leave my family and come and live with him in the UK.
The guy I am involved with loves me to bits but can be needy and demanding esp when I cant text or call him.I spend a fortune when he comes to ireland paying for hotels etc..
I know my husband was horrid to me butt when we leave the counselling he cries for days which kills me.I know I am selfish but I dont want to grow old and unhappy with him.On the other hand if I move to the UK I risk loosing my kids who are young adults now..for leaving their father..there is no gaurantee that this man in the UK would turn out to be what he appers to be when we are together. I would appreciate your honest advice.x

Real Clare Man

Yo need to break this down into segments and then deal with each one

*Your children are not finished schol yet so their mother leaving right now is not a good idea.

*You are in an unhappy marriage so staying in that is not right for you but in my opinion you have to remain with children until youngest is finished secondary school.....even if you don't stay in marriage.

* If your husband is that bad then possibly your children can see this and might even understand why you want out of the marriage but leaving for another man is not going to look good.

*Sort your home situation first and then if your new man has been willing to give you time you can start properly with him but I don't think it is a good idea to place him ahead of your children right now....let them finish school first.

smileygirlme

I think you are right.He is putting me under pressure to move though .

Merkin

You need to look at these as two very discrete issues.

Your marriage is in deep trouble so only you, and you alone, can work out whether it is worth saving. Involvement with a third party right now is only going to cloud your judgement.

I'm a big believer in listening to your instincts and you have a number of (well founded it would seem) reservations about this bloke in the UK. Are you funding his trips to Ireland? Also, how is he putting pressure on you to move over? This would be sending off alarm bells in my head. Have you spent any time over there with him? How well do you really know him? If you only know him from the occasional snatched weekend holed up in a hotel then I wouldn't be basing such a drastic move (with long term repercussions) on what appears to be no more than an overly romanticized whim.

If I were you I'd consider all your options and maybe consider going it alone for a while to get your head together. Does your husband still drink? Do you still love your husband? Are you going to counselling to appease him or do you think there is a future for you both?

Dark Phoenix

Its a little unfair on your husband to be going to councelling with him under the guise of having some interest in saving your marraige when you are sleeping with another man.

Why not take a break from UK guy to work out for good if you want to save your marraige or not. if you don't then there are decisions to be made.

As for UK guy - your spending a fortune putting him up when he comes over, he is needy and insecure and is putting pressure on you. That sounds a little odd to me. You have only seen him for short bursts of time over here so regardless of what happens with your marraige I would not be upping sticks too quick to move

smileygirlme

I know this guy for about 20 months and he assues me he loves me..he pays for hotels when I am in the UK.

I really appreciate your comments though.

washiskin

Spending occasional short spells of time with someone is not a great way to gauge how things will be if you do decide to move on with this guy.

Firstly, you'll be away from your family, friends and support network, leaving you alone & depending on him more & more. You need to ask yourself why is he so keen to get you away from here?

Do you think his neediness will dissipate when you get there?

Will it be a "thrill of the chase/romantic drama" thing where, when he gets you there, he will lose interest because the excitement turns into the everyday reality?

How does he feel about you being a Mother? Will he accept that you will need to see your kids and support them as well as him? Can he share you? (It doesn't sound like it to me).

Have you discussed the reasons for his divorce?

Your husband sounds like he has a lot of underlying issues that the counselling is bringing to the fore - are you sure you're giving this a fair shake, by which I mean if you both come out the other end of this examination of your life together and you are being distracted by this other man, how do you know you if you are dealing honestly with your feelings toward your husband?
Are you letting this besottedness blind you, is what I'm trying to say.

It can be just as devastating for kids in their late teens as it is for younger children when parents decide to split or one parent wants out, no matter how bad the marriage was/is. I think by referring to them as "young adults" you are trying to convince yourself that they will be alright without you, that they'll cope and you can move on with a modicum of guilt and justify it to yourself, to be honest.
I'm not trying to be a hateful b*tch here, I have been on the end of a failing parental relationship where there was violence and unfaithfulness over many years and it wasn't easy but when one of them mentioned separation I was devastated - it felt like anything would be better than the loss of either parent. As it turned out a serious illness intervened and it didn't come about in the end but it was rotten time and I wouldn't wish it on anyone and I was in my very early twenties at the time.

I think you need to cool it with this other man for a little while and assess how you feel after a period of total engagement with the family you have; if at the end of the time you feel you can't continue in the marriage, well you'll have given it a fair try and can move on with a clear head AND you've had time to weigh up if you can be happy with the other man or decide you don't need any man at all.

What ever you decide, I wish you all the best.

smileygirlme

Hi there
Thank you for this..I am going to counselling to get him to seek help for his alcohol depenedence and aggressive behaviour..He wouldnt go it alone but agreed to marriage counselling.
thank you ..for your wise words.

ManOfMystery

There is a saying that 'far off fields look green' and I think it's very apt in this case.

You are obviously unhappy in your marriage, and this man seems like an escape from that. But in reality, being involved with him is making your choices harder and adding complication & risk to an already delicate situation.

As Real Clare Man posted above, you need to separate the issues here. First off, you need to focus on your marriage counselling and ask yourself truly and honestly, do you WANT your marriage to work? If Mr UK wasn't on the scene and there was no-one else involved, would you be happy to continue in your marriage or would you want to be single anyway?

Once you've come to a decision on that, you can then decide to move forward. However no matter what you do, I think you need to forget about Mr UK for a while. If your marriage is to be repaired, you can't be having an affair with someone else. And if you want to leave your marriage, then you should be leaving it as a single woman and not muddying the water (and causing potential grief with your children as well as your husband) by leaving him for another man.

If Mr UK is serious about you, then he will understand that you're in a much more complex situation than him and he will be prepared to wait for you to sort things out. But to be honest, I kinda agree with most of the posters above - his pressuring you to move over to him is slightly alarming and I certainly wouldn't advise making such a drastic life change based on a few nights or weekends spent in hotel beds.

Idle Passerby

You have to treat this as two separate issues.

1. You no longer want to be with your husband.

Why are you going to relationship counselling if you are not interested in saving the marriage? you are leading your husband to believe that you are working on improving your relationship problems (his drinking).
You have already left the marriage, your husband just doesn't know it yet. Its very dishonest to agree to go along with him to fix his flaws, while hiding your ongoing affair.

2. You see this other man as an alternative option, but he doesn't sound like a good partner either.

I think if you're determined to end your marriage, first stop seeing this man in the UK. I don't think he will turn out to be the Knight in shining armour you seem to be hoping for. Be honest with your husband about how the counselling is not working and you don't see things working out between the two of you. Running away to the arms of another man (who is already making you feel uncomfortable) is a cowardly cop out.

If you want to save your marriage, stop seeing the other man, be completely honest with your husband and start taking the counselling seriously.

Your children are probably old enough to see that the marriage is unhappy but young enough to still be very affected by you leaving. If you decide to leave there will be enough fall out to deal with without trying to make a relatively new relationship work and trying to get your kids to accept a new partner in the UK aswell.

End the affair and figure out if you want to leave the marriage or work on it.