Family issues

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, in great need of advice, it might be long so thanks for reading.

A bit of background, I fell out with my brother a year and a half ago, several times I have tried to talk to him but he generally ignores me, we eventually met up to talk and while I thought it went well and it ended in a hug he went back to ignoring me. I'm not really sure why he has cut me off to be honest. It has put a huge strain on the whole family with various family parties / weddings happening which we're either both at or avoiding due to the other person being there. He has said that the worst part of it is our parents giving him grief, I never asked them to say anything but they know how upset I am over it. They used to have a great relationship but sadly our parents don't see him much now and are missing out on their grandchildren.

Cut to now, my sister announced wanting a family dinner for her 30th birthday 4 weeks in advance, I tried one last time and sent a good long email to my brother, no reply, so I told my sister I might not be able to get a babysitter for her night. I dreaded the thought of being there with my brother there so I played it safe for a few weeks waiting to know if he'd be there by saying I was struggling with getting a sitter. Fast forward to a few days before the party, my sister wanted numbers for the dinner so I declined due to no sitter, she asked why my husband couldn't babysit I told her I wouldn't manage getting there by myself due to an injury I have which I'm at the physio for. I sent in a cake I spent hours making to the restaurant on the day.

The evening after the dinner party I got a text from her, she thanked me for the cake saying it was lovely so I replied asking her to meet for dinner next weekend, my treat. She told me she couldn't face a dinner with me as she had heard from our mother a few days beforehand that the real reason I wasn't going was due to issues with our brother and she was hurt that I wouldn't go for her and that I lied about not being able to get there due to no sitter and my injury. She also saw a few photos on facebook from a few days before that I was out with my work girls at an event of theirs which she said was like a slap in the face. It was a night I could go out and relax on without any pressures. I told her I was sorry that she was hurt but that I didn't lie and if she chooses to cut me out of her life that I can't control that. I haven't heard from her since, that was a few weeks ago.

I gave my mother my sisters birthday gift to pass on and I know there were words between them when my sister was over and getting the gift, my mother was telling her she should ring me to thank me and not to just text, apparently she has no intention of doing either. We've always gotten on, the usual sisterly spats but this has been the biggest blow out. There's another family event coming up in a couple of weeks which we were all invited to through facebook, I have said yes to that after my sister had already said yes so I don't know how it's going to work out. I'm worried my sister won't go due to me being there but I feel like I'm always the one doing the chasing and making the effort so I just don't know what to do next.

Any advice?

December2012

But you did lie to her. It's not her fault you and your brother don't get on and you let her down.

Merkin

Why did you fall out with your brother? You say you have no idea why but you don't just have a big falling out for no reason....

Meauldsegosha

Firstly you did lie to your sister so take responsibility for that.

Secondly have you asked your brother what the issue is? When you had your talk with your brother which resulted in a hug, did you not discuss the cause of the trouble?

judgefudge

I don't know OP. I get the impression there's a lot more to this than meets the eye. You don't know why your brother ignores you? That doesn't make any sense. Either you're in denial or you do know deep down...

Also you did lie to your sister. She gave you a load of notice and you made up 2 excuses not to go. She obviously wanted a nice night out with her family and you should have gone for her sake. So I can see why she's upset. Why don't you try and patch things up with her?

username123

Why have you fallen out with your brother?
Why did you lie to your sister?
Why do you feel it necessary to avoid family gatherings - why all the drama? Can you not just go and be civil to people? Or alternatively, if its too much, just dont go and dont make a big deal over it.

Magicmatilda

Your sister told you she was hurt by your actions and you said if she wanted to cut you out of her life you couldn't control that? Seems an over reaction to me. Why did you not just say sorry and ask her what you could do to make it up?

You have hurt your sister. You should have gone to her party and if you still think you are in the right and that you didn't do anything wrong then you are in denial. Even if the brother was going, why could you not go anyway? By the way that is you ignoring him not the other way around.

Advice? Accept that you were wrong and Apologies to your sister. If you lose the relationship because of your behaviour then that's your fault. You can't blame anyone else.

desbrook

Totally agree with all the previous posters. The only thing I would add is that you simply need to accept responsibility for your mistakes. The vast majority of people understand that nobody is perfect etc. , but it's really gets on their nerves when the other person tries to " brave it out " and justify their actions.
While I'm willing to believe that you didn't ask your parents to intervene I do feel you probably told them at length about your difficulties with your brother. Sorry but that's not fair. You are both their offspring so naturally their loyalties are torn. You aren't children though and need to act like adults. Your brother did this and went to the meal. Accept this.

LittleBook

I agree with the previous posters, you owe your sister an apology which I'd get working on straight away if you don't want to damage a relationship with another sibling.

As for your brother, if you feel you've done what you can there and he continues to ignore you, let him get on with it. So what if you're not all over each other at family gatherings ... it can't be worse than avoiding a whole event and upsetting everyone else because he might be there.

And I just wanted to add one more thing:

Carly37 wrote: »

He has said that the worst part of it is our parents giving him grief, I never asked them to say anything but they know how upset I am over it. They used to have a great relationship but sadly our parents don't see him much now and are missing out on their grandchildren.

She told me she couldn't face a dinner with me as she had heard from our mother a few days beforehand that the real reason I wasn't going was due to issues with our brother and she was hurt that I wouldn't go for her and that I lied about not being able to get there due to no sitter and my injury.

I gave my mother my sisters birthday gift to pass on and I know there were words between them when my sister was over and getting the gift, my mother was telling her she should ring me to thank me and not to just text, apparently she has no intention of doing either.

THIS is what's putting "a huge strain on the whole family with various family parties / weddings".

You say that you never asked your mother to get involved but you seem to be tacitly allowing her to meddle so if you care about her at all you'll tell her to stay the hell out of this.

I understand very well that it's hard to see your "children" not getting on well but it sounds like she's far too involved in your spats and should stay out of it ... particularly since it appears she's only making things worse and if it's affecting her relationship with her grandkids.