comment on my lyrics!

Kevj96

hi, i'm reposting this song to see what responses i get from it, i'd love for anyone who sees this thread to give me a bit of constructive criticizm,
i'm thinking of entering it in the uk songwriting compitition under the cateogory lyrics.
please tell me what you think, and whether you think it would stand any chance or i should leave it this year and enter a better one next year

thanks:)

The clock ticks, as they talk,
The grass flicks where the walk,
Time passes by they start to run,
As reason slashes down below the sun

They run to an old broken roof
She smiles at him he can barely move
She looks at him stares into his eyes
He tries to hide the feelings that rise

Cause he nows,
Shes not after him, she wants someone else,
They won't come to be, anything else,
So he looks from her eyes,
Traps his feelings deep inside,
Where they will hide, always hide,

They sit and talk, rain pouring down,
It pits and patters, such a soothing sound,
Minutes like seconds hours like minutes,
Like in heaven, time feels infinite,

They realize, they've got to go,
Its getting to dark, getting too cold,
She looks at him, into his eyes,
Things inside her, try to hide,

Cause she knows,
Hes not after her, he wants someone else,
They won't come to, be anything else,
she tries not to cry, as he tears away his eyes,
two tears mix and hide, with the rain from outside,


I still have to right the outro, but please, give constructive critizism! Thanks if you took the time to read a
nd answer this

musicvine

The lyrics are really good, Kev, with a real life young romance story. Is it as you wish, as in finished, or do you think you might edit/replace one or two words if you re-read and ponder a few lines? Also, have you music with your lyrics or is it lyrics only for the lyrics category.

With any lyrics written, it's always good to let it breathe for a while, come back to it a few times, over a few weeks if necessary, and then when you feel completely happy with it, go for it! I would certainly enter it into the competition. All the best.

HughieQ

really good lyrics man....solid .......good luck in the competition!!

my my my

well written


the ending could have been more negative, viv a vis reality

fredchest

Kevj96 wrote: »

hi, i'm reposting this song to see what responses i get from it, i'd love for anyone who sees this thread to give me a bit of constructive criticizm,
i'm thinking of entering it in the uk songwriting compitition under the cateogory lyrics.
please tell me what you think, and whether you think it would stand any chance or i should leave it this year and enter a better one next year

thanks:)

The clock ticks, as they talk,
The grass flicks where the walk,
Time passes by they start to run,
As reason slashes down below the sun

They run to an old broken roof
She smiles at him he can barely move
She looks at him stares into his eyes
He tries to hide the feelings that rise

Cause he nows,
Shes not after him, she wants someone else,
They won't come to be, anything else,
So he looks from her eyes,
Traps his feelings deep inside,
Where they will hide, always hide,

They sit and talk, rain pouring down,
It pits and patters, such a soothing sound,
Minutes like seconds hours like minutes,
Like in heaven, time feels infinite,

They realize, they've got to go,
Its getting to dark, getting too cold,
She looks at him, into his eyes,
Things inside her, try to hide,

Cause she knows,
Hes not after her, he wants someone else,
They won't come to, be anything else,
she tries not to cry, as he tears away his eyes,
two tears mix and hide, with the rain from outside,


I still have to right the outro, but please, give constructive critizism! Thanks if you took the time to read a
nd answer this

would it be better if you titled the verses/choruses/bridges/pre-choruses clearly? just for people to see clearly. Of course seeing them, isn't everything - it's hearing the lyrics sung to melody