Too much of the inlaws

LegacyUser

How much is too much?

My wife's mother & father visit every 6 weeks (separately I might add), for 4 days and 3-4 days each. Sometimes they come right after each other, so it's a whole week spent.

They spend most of the days out visiting my wife's brother who has kids, then they come back in the eve to sleep at our house.

My parents only visit us once a year or so and that fine by me. If I want them to visit more I'll ask them.

Is this a bit ridiculous? My wife sees nothing wrong with.

Am I out of line asking her to tell them to stop visiting so often?

LittleBook

Having visitors of any kind for one week out of every six is too much for me personally. The problem here is more that you and your wife don't see eye-to-eye on this so a compromise will have to be reached.

In laws & outlaws wrote: »

They spend most of the days out visiting my wife's brother who has kids, then they come back in the eve to sleep at our house.

Why don't they stay with her brother from time to time? Has his wife put the foot down maybe?

My partner loves my parents, we all get on really well and would socialise together, but I wouldn't expect him to put up with them staying in our house so often.

lazygal

Nah, wouldn't be up for that. Especially if there's another brother in the picture to take the pressure off. I'd start being busy/away/unavailable ASAP and hope they get the message. We live close to both sets of parents, but can easily go weeks without seeing either set, not because we don't get on but because they know we have our own lives. Set a marker now.

Either the brother has more cop on than to let them stay so frequently or they're using your place as a free b and b. Time to cut the apron strings.

P. Breathnach

Your wife is okay with it, and it's her home too.

What might be the consequences if you told your wife that you wanted to limit their visits?

Other than your becoming annoyed by things, in what way do their visits damage your home life?

Koptain Liverpool

P. Breathnach wrote: »

Your wife is okay with it, and it's her home too.

What might be the consequences if you told your wife that you wanted to limit their visits?

Other than your becoming annoyed by things, in what way do their visits damage your home life?

The consequences?
While of course it's his wife's home too it sounds like she is the one who needs to compromise. Are you saying that she wouldn't have the right to complain if he had friends to stay for a week at time several times a year simply because its his house as well??

He is right to feel put out that he has to share his home for 10 or so weeks each year. That would drive me mad and I'd certainly consider it damaging to my home life.

OP - I would suggest to your wife that her parents visit less frequently. Once every three months perhaps. Alternatively their visits could be shorter -7 to 8 days at a time is ridiculous. 3 to 4 days maximum I would say and they can stay with her brother if they need to visit for longer.

If it was me however I wouldn't be happy with any more than a 1 to 2 night visit a few times a year ( or a week long visit once or twice a year). Can't they visit for the day more often??

P. Breathnach

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

The consequences?
While of course it's his wife's home too it sounds like she is the one who needs to compromise. Are you saying that she wouldn't have the right to complain if he had friends to stay for a week at time several times a year simply because its his house as well??
...

I'm not saying anything: I'm asking a question of OP, because I think it would be helpful if he considered how his wife would deal with such a request.

LegacyUser

See we live in Kerry and her parents are from Donegal.

Also her brother has 4 kids so doesn't have anyspare beds -that's why her parents stay with us.

I'm about to blow my top at this stage. I do get along with them so will feel bad for making her tell them to visit less often.

LegacyUser

See her parents are from Donegal and we live go Kerry. Hence the extended visit.

Her brother only has 3 bedrooms but has 5 kids so liew don't have space to stay there.

I'm about to blow at this stage but will feel bad for making her say something to them. Her or the brother don't see anything wrong with it! I can't understand it at all

LittleBook

inlaws & outlaws wrote: »

See we live in Kerry and her parents are from Donegal.

Also her brother has 4 kids so doesn't have anyspare beds -that's why her parents stay with us.

I'm about to blow my top at this stage. I do get along with them so will feel bad for making her tell them to visit less often.

I thought you'd say something like that but I wouldn't buy it if I was you. It seems like her parents are treating your house like a hotel so they can visit their 4 grandchildren.

I assume her parents are separated which is why they visit separately? So individually they feel like they're only there for a few nights a month but it all adds up.

If they want to see their grandchildren and your brother-in-law wants to facilitate this, let him pick up some of the slack. They travel one at a time, it's not hard to find a bed for one person if they really tried to.

Again, I would have no problem welcoming my partners parents on a regular basis ... just less often than the current set up. So have the discussion with your wife, try to make some constructive suggestions to decrease the visits and see how you go from there.

ibarelycare

OP have you actually discussed this with your wife? If so, how did that conversation go?

LegacyUser

She doesn't see a problem with it. She feels my parents dont visit enough and so we cant come to an agreement. Personally if I want my family to visit, they come when I invite them, but they know we appreciate our space too.

Every time I've mentioned it, I get the same reply - well your parents dont visit us enough, so dont even go there.

ibarelycare

In laws & outlaws wrote: »

She doesn't see a problem with it. She feels my parents dont visit enough and so we cant come to an agreement. Personally if I want my family to visit, they come when I invite them, but they know we appreciate our space too.

Every time I've mentioned it, I get the same reply - well your parents dont visit us enough, so dont even go there.

Well if your wife isn't willing to have a grown up and rational discussion about something that is an issue for you then that seems like a bigger problem than your in-laws coming to stay

How have you broached the issue? My advice would be (if you haven't already done this) to sit down with her when there's no one else around, the kids are in bed, you're both relaxed, and tell her calmly that this is really really bothering you and it's beginning to have an effect on your marriage.

maryk123

I can't believe some of the replies. It's not the end of the world stuff and they are your wife's parents and she likes them visiting. It would be worse if they lived next door and called in every day. There is give and take in every marriage. This could end up a bigger issue if her parents think you don't like them. Ok every 6 weeks for a week maybe a bit much but I find men don't have the same bond with their parents than women (I am not saying every man) but women love to see their parents more that is from my experience and my girlfriends are the same.

You do sound a little bit forceful "the cme to visit when I invite them" - can people not visit your house without an invitation. It's just something comes across n the post that I can't put my finer on. I do think good for her for standing her ground though.

December2012

I don't think it's too much, but then We see our parents and in laws every two to three weeks.

What's your actual problem with it OP?

Like, what's wrong about them sleeping in your home? How does it impact your life?

Did you go and stay in their home when you were going out with their daughter?

December2012

Separately I think it's odd that you only see your family once a year.

ibarelycare

maryk123 wrote: »

I can't believe some of the replies. It's not the end of the world stuff and they are your wife's parents and she likes them visiting. It would be worse if they lived next door and called in every day. There is give and take in every marriage. This could end up a bigger issue if her parents think you don't like them. Ok every 6 weeks for a week maybe a bit much but I find men don't have the same bond with their parents than women (I am not saying every man) but women love to see their parents more that is from my experience and my girlfriends are the same.

You do sound a little bit forceful "the cme to visit when I invite them" - can people not visit your house without an invitation. It's just something comes across n the post that I can't put my finer on. I do think good for her for standing her ground though.

December2012 wrote: »

I don't think it's too much, but then We see our parents and in laws every two to three weeks.

What's your actual problem with it OP?

Like, what's wrong about them sleeping in your home? How does it impact your life?

Did you go and stay in their home when you were going out with their daughter?

While I personally agree with both of you, this isn't what the OP was asking for. It's obviously an issue for him, and he wants to know how he can deal with it.

judgefudge

Different people like different things. I don't think your wife is odd to want her family around that much. But I also don't think you're odd to only see your parents twice a year.

The issue here is that it's bothering you, and she doesn't seem to be able to see your side of it. Have you really tried to see her side?! Is there anyway you could compromise? Say one of her parents stays at yours and the other stays with the brother?

Is it possible your wife doesn't realise just how much it's bothering you?

Beruthiel

Inlaws & Outlaws wrote: »

I'm about to blow at this stage but will feel bad for making her say something to them. Her or the brother don't see anything wrong with it! I can't understand it at all

I would literally go insane if my in laws spent that much time in my house.
It would most likely end very badly.
I have no idea how you have managed to control yourself for so long.

Some people have no problem with others coming and going as the please.
I'm not one of those people.
I like my space and I like to be able to do my own thing when and where I want in my house.

You need to say something to your wife.
If you don't, it will ruin your marriage in the end because you sound like me and I'd just have to walk if that was a continual thing for years on end.
I married my husband.
I did not marry his family and would never wish to live with them. That might be needed to be pointed out to your wife and she should at least meet you half way on it.
You must calmly explain to her what this is doing to you.
If you don't, it will eventually come to a head and you don't want to see the aftermath of that!

Taltos

Hi ibarelycare - please leave the modding to the mods. Note back seat modding can result in a warning/infraction or ban.

Thanks
Taltos